PATGOD

More from the "Voice of Reason"

2012-02-10T12:45:00.000Z

I thought I’d try and explain my “world view” of the future for the Poppies as some people seem to think that, by not putting any money into the club, Trust, etc while Silvio is around, is not supporting our future. I thought it best by drawing a graph!

Although in the short term putting money in may support the club, it really only props up Silvio and delays the inevitable. The continuous merry-go-round of owners also leads to long term decline (assuming we don’t get some mega-rich millionaire). In my mind, the only realistic sustainable future is to be fans-owned, that way we can build things by all pulling together.

So, as promised, the graph. The blue line shows what will happen if Silvio stays – terminal decline. The red line shows the merry-go-round of owners with each cycle leading to an ever poorer future with the same end result as with Silvio. But if the fans take over, yes there’ll be an immediate drop but steadily, over the longer term, our fortunes will be the best.

So I won’t be giving any money until Silvio has gone!

Pedro, telling it in pictures.

Thank God for the Plod

2012-02-09T19:03:00.002Z

I think NWA said it best.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M8vei3L0L8

Because, this is exactly what they've done to us.

Nothing new under the sun

2012-02-08T21:39:00.001Z

Just in case you're worried that with all our po-faced pontificating we'd forgot the funny, we thought it best to give the attached document an airing. It looks like neither Imraan nor the Trust were first on the "Red Card" bandwagon.

No, that honour looks like it has to go to Poppies supporters from the late 19th Century, when it looked like their Club was about to be sold down the river......

Poppies fans? The Titanic is now boarding.

2012-02-08T19:11:00.001Z

Darlington responded to the prospect of going bust by quadrupling their home attendances.

Even the Direones have managed to form a new club from the scummy ashes and have a real chance of carving a future.

How are we Poppies fans responding to our own imminent demise? Is there a concerted effort to pull together to raise funds to help our immediate survival? Are we dragging more people along to the games? Are we all joining the Trust in order to provide a united front to face up to the problems the club faces, or any possible future owners.

We are perilously close to seeing our club go out of business, but you'd be forgiven for thinking so by looking over our supporter forum.

Weed out threads where posters are moaning that any monies supporters raise will simply prop Imraan up for a bit longer. Ignore threads which shockingly blast the Trust committee for even considering working alongside Imraan to save our club. Skip threads where former supporters talk vaguely about "Kettering 1872", as though a new club will magically happen simply because they mention it. Boggle about threads where supporters don't want George Rolls, or Imraan, or the Trust running the club, but seemingly imagine that dozens of multi-millionaires are knocking on the door, desperate to spend their entire fortunes on buying success for the Poppies. Root out threads about a bloody silly name game. What do you have left?

Unfortunately very little.

The problem with most Poppies fans is that we have an unshakable belief that everything will turn our for the best, because things always have in the past. Unfortunately this is shockingly dangerous complacency these days.

The situation is simple.

Imraan can't or won't pay wages or taxes, and possibly other costs.
A takeover may or may not happen. Even if it does, does anyone believe that a prospective owner will happily stick his hand in his pocket when the supporters won't, even for a club they profess to love?
A potential management structure including owners and supporters is a fall back position.
The club generates insufficient income to pay it's bills.

What should we do?

Firstly, stop worrying that giving money to the Trust is propping up Imraan. None of us like what he has done, but whether we like it or not, he is here. Nothing beyond a buy-out is going to change that. So, we either accept this and try to save Kettering Town FC, or we let the club flounder and comfort ourselves that even though the Poppies cease to exist, we didn't give Imraan any more of our money. Will the smug superiority of sticking to this principle be any comfort when the fixtures come our for next season, and our team is no longer there?

With Tuesday's game called off, and Saturday almost certain to go the same way, it is vital that the fans act NOW. If at all possible, contribute £10, or £20 to the Trust's Save the Poppies Campaign. Set yourself the plan to say, chuck a tenner into the Paypal Account every home game and perhaps a fiver every away game.

It's money at a time when everyone's feeling the pinch. But do we want to save a few bob now and spend the rest of our lives regretting it, or have to explain to the next generation of kids from Kettering why they haven't got a football club. It really could be the difference between life and death for the Poppies.

140 years of history is a great achievement of generations of our forebears who struggled and sacrificed so that we have a club today. Let's not allow pride, bitterness and division to turn a club with a proud history into a club that IS history.

At least I know where the Kimberley Suite is now!

2012-02-04T13:29:00.003Z

Bumped into a friend on the winding marble stairway leading up to the Kimberley Suite last night. "Looks like something out of the Titanic, doesn't it?" he said. We both chuckled grimly at the double meaning of his comment.

The room itself was full to bursting point with the good, the worthy and the Poppynetters! The top table of Ken, Lee and Sev spoke well, spoke the truth and spoke as clearly as they could.

Imraan Ladak

As we all really suspect, Imraan has always been more "mad" than "bad". His enormous lack of common sense, business acumen, and addiction to gambling have led us to where we are now. He's not fleecing the club for money - we don't generate any! Even his most ardent detractor surely can't still believe that he is syphoning funds out of the club for his own benefit. In many ways though, his shocking naivety is more damning of him than if he was just a simple crook such as Mark English.

His rush to Non Park has so hurried he didn't check beyond the shiny surface of the facility. It's all well and good having a chandelier in the reception area, but ensuring we could generate heat in half the facility might have been a good use of his time....

The Mystery Possible Buyer

Although no name was mentioned it appears a sizable number of supporters are expecting Saint GEORGE to appear on the scene and put everything right once he ROLLS into town. It is worrying the number of people who are offer up such child-like optimism of anyone who has a few grand to their name and may be willing to personally fund our club for us. Until they stop shelling out of course, and then the same people will want to run them out of town.

The Famous Five

If the above takeover fails to materialise it would appear that a "Gang of Five" comprising Ken, Sev, Lee, Imraan and er, either Ant or Dec will form a new management committee to hopefully see us through this season. If this succeeds we will be able to reconstitute next season, and set sensible budgets, prices etc. and try to re-engage with the wider community and businesses.

The Trust

If anyone still hasn't joined the Trust, they really should without delay. A united, representative supporter organisation can only help the Poppies, no matter how the future unfolds. We supporters need to get a big wedge together, and quickly, and the Trust is really the only organisation who can mobilise bodies and plans to try to help do this.

The Trust's paying of monies our Club owed to Southend Manor made me feel proud, and slightly humbled of an organisation simply made up of ordinary, fellow supporters who give more back to their club than the rest of us.

The Police

Still operating what is effectively a protection racket, deciding on a whim at which points in the season they fancy earning a few bob (well,17K!) out of the Poppies. "Operation Lincoln Overkill" being their latest "Get rich quick" scheme!

DRC

Well, it would appear that they DO owe us some money. £198,000 for agreed sponsorship prior to the cancellation of the agreement. It was suggested that a concerted email/telephone/letter (remember them?) campaign against them might encourage them to do the decent as well as the legal thing. Anything is worth a punt, but best keep it polite: -

DRC Locums Limited, Partis House, Davy Avenue, Knowlhill, Milton Keynes, MK5 8HJ

info@drclocums.com

01908 545 999

What I found funny is the fact Imraan has repeatedly indicated that DRC are notoriously poor or slow payers! Sorry, Imraan, but are we talking about the DRC THAT YOU USED TO RUN? Of course they were bad payers you schmuck, you were in charge!

Us lot

Overall the feeling in the room was that we want rid of Imraan, with a preferred outcome that another benevolent dictator take over who has deeper pockets, but hopefully working alongside the Trust. It just sticks in my craw that we need to offer up our club to another dodgy geezer in order to remain at this level.

I was impressed with the number of younger supporters in attendance, and who spoke with passion and sense. Of course, the usual talking heads had their say too, but you can't have everything. I must say, I found myself needing to bite my lips shut when the woman who spoke at length at Wicksteed Park about wanting to see us in the Football League, and that Non Park would practically guarantee this, grabbed the microphone. In my warped mind she, and the old bloke who stood up at Wickies, announced his 400 years of support, and that he would follow the Poppies anywhere, were entirely responsible for us squatting on the edge of the River Nene today!

Poppynet

Unfortunately our supporter forum is still as riddled with negativity, axe-grinding and aggression as usual. Indeed, it would appear that the Gob has finally exploded due to his unsustainable bile and rage aimed at Imraan! The fury that seemingly began the very moment he wasn't comfortably ensconced within Imraan's inner circle....

By distilling all the posts I have worked out the perfect scenario which would keep everyone on Poppynet happy: -

Someone to give us Non Park, dismantle it and move it to Kettering
Someone to give us large piece of land in Kettering to put Non Park on
Some very rich people to come along and fund everything
Admittance to games to be free
Team to feature Brett and Ollie Burgess (who apparently has left....)
All games to be won
Imraan Ladak to be executed in the centre of the pitch at half time of the first game at New Rockingham Road. We certainly have a few volunteers for the job. Most even have their own axes.

Money

I think we were all shocked by just how much money is involved with the running of KTFC Mk 2 at Non Park. Monthly rent 12K. Monthly wage bill 32K! Repairs to boilers £100 Billion!

Where do we go from here?

The immediate need is for money. We've bills coming up. Whether we like it or not, Imraan isn't going to be paying them. This leaves us with a stark choice. Close our eyes and hope something will turn up, or try to do something about it ourselves. Don't wait until Imraan has gone before helping out, as we could be history by then.

Chuck a fiver or tenner in the buckets outside the ground. Offer your time or assistance if you can. If finances permit, make a donation to the Trust's "Save the Poppies Fund at -

Lloyds TSB, Kettering
A/C No. 07107391
Sort Code 30-94-68

Paypal A/C: savektfc@poppiestrust.co.uk

If half of us toss a tenner into the collection buckets next week the Trust has a further 10K to put towards saving the Poppies. 500 new Trust members would generate another three and a half grand. Our Club is on the brink. Let's not just sit around and simply hope everything will somehow work out. Without our help it won't.

"You are my Kettering, my only Kettering

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, how much I love you

So please don't take my Kettering away"

We've all sung these words a hundred times, watching our team play home and away in some real shiteholes, and in some of the largest grounds in the country. No one outside of the KTFC can understand the highs and lows of being a Poppy. By our actions in the coming weeks and months we'll find out if those are just words, or whether we really mean them.

Poppies at the creaking gates of dawn?

2012-02-01T22:37:00.006Z

And so it seems, from advance leaks, that Friday’s meeting will be nothing less than the final rattle of the bucket before we go under. It is being suggested that £35-40,000 must be raised or pledged before Monday’s showdown with HMRC. On a hardcore home support of a thousand,that’s about £40 each. But excluding juniors and the unwaged, and those who object on moral or religious or pure distrust of Ladak grounds, call it £400!

To raise even half, in a few days, from a standing start, would be an achievement. Realistically, it will take some wealthy benefactors to come to our aid. If they exist, where have they been hiding all these years?

And of course the sum quoted is just the immediate, urgent debt. Beyond that lies ongoing players wages, stadium running costs, coach transport, stewards, programmes and all the other things that go with the territory. In a recession, with our support and wider goodwill eroded by the displacement of the club outside the borough, it can’t be sustained by fan fundraising – so yet again we are reliant on someone or some people ploughing money in.

Ultimately any football club at our level, without huge swathes of private cash or TV or sponsorship money (as if!) should be self sufficient. But our record wasn't exactly unblemished long before the move to Legoland.

The last time we were in the last chance saloon, the Trust salvaged the club from the debris of Mark English, who took control from Jim Lynch, who inherited a huge tax liability from Cyril Gingell, who was party to the sale of the ground in 1985 to Ben Pickering, which apparently saved Kettering Town (1982) Ltd from oblivion.

Kettering Town (1982) Ltd was formed out of a previous crisis, again with its roots in debts created by premises we couldn’t afford - then, if memory serves me right, the indoor bowling green, built by John Nash, the chairman of Kettering Town (1950) Ltd. And Kettering Town (1950) Ltd was formed from the wreckage of the previous incarnation, and so it goes on...

And so, maybe, it always will. There are probably many who would say the sooner the club is put out of its misery the better. Every ET piece on our problems has a footnote of comments to that effect. But many of the same people would be quick to jump on the bandwagon of a revived club again enjoying success. As unlikely as it may seem right now, as long as there's a breath of life in the old girl we have to keep it alive. The club has flirted with disaster so many times in its history but has always pulled through. Yes, creaking gates and all that. In a decade's time, if KTFC survives, it will have lasted for 150 years. Meanwhile, who knows where we’ll be this time next week. All we can do is keep believing, and an open mind.

Power to the People!

2012-01-29T10:55:00.006Z

It may not be known – yet – as the Poppy Spring, but there has been a definite whiff of revolution in the air at Nene Park these past few days.

It began last Tuesday with anti Ladak insurgents rising up and seizing the official state broadcasting machinery, resulting in inflammatory messages replacing half time scores and a man with a microphone stirring up the crowd.

Yesterday, despite a heavy police presence, the insurrectionists were at it again. Deep underground in his bunker, President Ladak must have felt a shudder as a red card protest lit up proceedings.

Again the loudspeakers were playing revolutionary music designed to whip up the masses – “Money’s Too Tight To Mention”, “The Final Countdown”, and of course, “Do The Hustle”.

As the police net tightened, literally tens of black balloons were released, of which at least three drifted on to the pitch – where one was stamped on later by Danny Mills in what was widely seen as a symbolic gesture of support for the cause. Either that or he was fuming at not being awarded a free kick for a shove in the back.

There were fears that the protest might be quelled by force, but the police were too busy chatting amongst themselves about how they would spend their unexpected overtime windfall.

Meanwhile no tanks clattered across the A6 bridge (President Ladak says his army is still owed outstanding sponsorship money, and should have thought of that before they were conscripted).

However, given his past support for the Palestinian cause, a small part of the President must surely have approved of these protests by another dispossessed group, unfairly deprived of their historic homeland.

For the sake of a peaceful and swift resolution to this crisis, let’s hope so. Because even the Palestinians have had enough of him.

"In the name of Patgod, go!"

Another Friday night - another Poppies meeting

2012-01-29T10:25:00.000Z

I didn't believe that anything could be quite as surreal as Kettering Town playing their "home" games at Non Park. But this is the Poppies, and we learn from an early age to expect the unexpected. We now have the curious sight of club volunteers on tannoy and scoreboard in open defiance of the Club Chairman and players applauding anti-Chairman sentiment from the terraces. Could you imagine Pete Simcoe grabbing the microphone during Gyngell's reign and shouting out, "That's all well and good Cyril, BUT WHERE'S THE F*CKING MONEY GONE?!"

Yesterday the tannoy announcer brightly announced a meeting of supporters the following Friday, again seemingly in open defiance of Imraan. "Don't worry, it's nothing to do with Ladak!" He promised. Kind of makes you wonder the point of a meeting without the main player. He also, helpfully told us the meeting was to be in the Kimberley Suite. Great, Except that means nothing to me! I'm a Kettering fan. I have no idea where rooms are at Non Park. I don't care. It's just a pitch where we play our football at the moment. Nothing more. I'm sure it's in the main part of the big building usually restricted to we mere supporters, and I'm sure I'll be able to find it.

I'm just not sure I want to.

Do I really want to hear another group of smarmy businessmen tell me how they are going to do things differently? Another shifty bunch promising me the earth, or at very least, League football? More suits telling us that we're the best fans ever and they would give us the success we deserve?

It saddens me more than I can express that it seems to be the case that to sustain football at this level we need to give shady characters the time of day just because they have a few bob. "Investors" be buggered!

I surely can't be alone in hankering for a self-sufficient football club, free of self-important, untrustworthy blazer-wearers? Why can't a team which averages gates of 1400 - 1500 sustain itself? Why can't local business sponsorship from a borough of well over 100,000 people generate enough additional funding to allow us to kick out the shysters?

Couldn't a club with this backing, run by a handful of full or even part-time administrators and coaches, helped out by a small army of willing volunteers and 18 good, semi-professional footballers, survive by their own efforts? And if so, why can't that club be Kettering Town?

Or is better to always be in hock to any puffed-up suit with a smug expression and illusion of wealth, who is willing to temporarily push us up the table by paying players over the odds? (on the proviso that any money they spend is actually only a "loan" when they leave of course!)

Imraan releases JP from lifetime contract shock!

2012-01-28T08:48:00.002Z

Imraan's lack of interest in our survival has been proved this week by a couple of things. Firstly there is his ongoing refusal to actually leave the club. Every day he remains here the less like a football club we become.

Has he been negotiating with people prepared to take on the Poppies, and pay off the unknown number of debts that HE has run up? No. Has he been dealing with HMRC to prevent them winding the club up? No. Has he even been helping to organise transport for his players to get to away games? Of course not - such acts are far beneath a man as important as Imraan. Again, much better to let others do the job that he should be doing.

Other than bizarre all-night Poppynet Q&A sessions and launching pathetic online petitions against James Cann and DRC, it would seem that all Imraan is doing is treading water. He is allowing us to remain in limbo, presumably hanging around for the cheques from Luton Town FC and DRC to hit the "Welcome" mat before considering our survival.

"Ta la me de canard"

The second sign that Imraan doesn't really give a flying f*ck for our future is the fact that he has allowed JP to leave us. Regardless of whether or not you are a JP fan, or believe his best days are behind him (or indeed both!) his permanent departure is significant. Imraan is by far JP's biggest fan. Allowing him to leave is the best indicator yet that Imraan has lost all interest in us. He can barely be bothered to attend our games as it is. Without the enticement of seeing his beloved French ball-juggler, it is difficult to imagine Imraan ever making it back to the ground that he has saddled us with.

As for JP, you'll have to look elsewhere for his stats, as I don't have a clue. He has been exciting, dazzling, annoying and, recently, angry in a Poppies shirt. Often over the course of a single game! He has silky skills in his feet, and a stinger of a right hook, as "Glass-jaw" Ashikodi will testify. Hopefully JP will enjoy a few more good days at Tamworth, but he may not have the time to win their fans over. We all loved JP because we have seen so much of the best of him that we are prepared to overlook the rubbishy bits. He will have to hit the ground running in order to give the Tamworth fans enough good times to carry him over the tedious passages. Does he have the hunger and fight to do this? Don't know. We'll see.

JP's departure has freed up the post of "Mr Kettering" for Patrick Noubissie to take on full time after having a trial run whilst JP went on sabbatical to bugger up Corby's promotion charge. It's a big step up for Pat who has gone from midfield square-ball passenger to thrusting, overlapping full back in recent seasons. And who knows, if he continues to perform manfully for us, one day I may even be able to type his surname without looking up the spelling!

That's why we do it

2012-01-25T18:52:00.000Z

The match statistics may read Kettering Town 2, Gateshead 1, in front of barely 800 souls on a mucky January night. And yet, any Poppies fan in attendance will tell you, this is the sort of game that we wade through all the dross to experience.

There was the moving tribute to young Ryan Kirk before kick-off and by the players after Mills's opener. There was the amusing efforts of the soon to be ex-scoreboard operator having some fun with our, hopefully soon to be ex, non-bill paying Chairman. There was the real sense that team and supporters were united in intent and endeavour. We've all been hoodwinked by Imraan, but f*ck him, let's go for it!

We all roared and stomped at our goals. We all gnawed our nails when Gateshead pulled one back. We all wanted to roger the ref with ripe radish when he missed an obvious corner we'd won deep into injury time. We all bellowed with relief and joy at the final whistle.

It was a real night of the kind of rollercoaster emotions that only comes through being in close proximity to YOUR team, playing for YOU, and feeling it as much as you. Something you couldn't get from yawning through a season's worth of HD quality Champions League matches on the telly.

Mind you, I have never understood what anyone has ever got from being an armchair football fan. It must really be difficult to feign support for whichever foreigner-laden team is doing well at the top of the Premiership. But, does a Surrey-based Man Utd fan get any genuine thrill from watching his team beat Wigan? Does a Midlands-based Chelsea fan feel any real pain when they lose to a last minute goal? A rip-off replica shirt from JJB and a sports subscription from Sky Sports do not a real football fan make. If you can't feel it, what's the point?

Nights like last night is what football is truly about. Big night and big emotions. Surely something worth fighting for? Poppies hardcore support and team as one. What a pity our Chairman wasn't there to see what he is risking with his petty games.

Small mercies to be thankful for

2012-01-21T20:49:00.005Z

Once upon a time I approached a matchday with at least some hope of a win. Today I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain we would lose. Apart from maybe the Luton doubleheader. And York away. God, I gave us more of a chance when we took on Fulham.

This is what we are reduced to – admit it, being relieved that we escaped with a 1-4 scoreline that in the circumstances is “respectable” according to the OWS. Actually it is. Against a side that just three days ago took Championship Brighton to penalties, it was respectable for an unpaid,demotivated, bewildered bunch to not get totally steamrollered.

On Thursday, when we were up before the headmaster, I felt real dread that we wouldn’t even get as far as today. I fully expected to click on Poppynet to see a thread titled The End. Docked 15 points or kicked out. A suspended 3 point penalty is more than respectable, it's a huge reprieve. Maybe Imraan convinced the Conference committee that our problems were not of our making. Or maybe they were simply worried about preserving the integrity of their league, with two clubs facing oblivion in the space of a week.

Ok we lost again, but right now just mustering enough players to fulfil another fixture and keep the flame flickering keeps us alive for a few more days, and that is pretty much all we have to celebrate tonight.

Ladak: "Concrete and viable plan"

2012-01-20T22:38:00.011Z

Our manager next Tuesday

Our manager next Saturday

W...W....Westwood?!?

2012-01-20T21:14:00.002Z

It may well be very nice of Ashley Westwood to step in and assist the club as the FOURTH Manager we've got through this season, and even more impressively, the third in January, but, c'mon, WTF? Haven't we seen enough red cards this season?

Complete list of reasons why Imraan has appointed him -

(A) In the pre-season game between the club and DRC employees last year Westwood kicked one of the Locum backroom staff into the stand, and then glowered over him to get up if he fancied "some more". We suspect, that in light of recent events concerning our former sponsors, that this incident has endeared him to our Chairman.

Reasons we should be happy -

(A) He knows the way to Wrexham!

(B) He's not Morrell.

Officially the angriest man
to have ever lived

Imraan promised a fair hearing by the League

2012-01-19T15:59:00.000Z

"Please Mr Ladak, take a seat...."

Is Imraan actually "well?"

2012-01-18T18:47:00.000Z

If you knew someone who had made a string of calamitous decisions, blamed everyone else for their failings, didn't to turn up to important meetings, and changed his mind every other day, you would be worried for their state of mind.

Yet, this is how Imraan has come across these past few months. We've all been quick to criticise his increasingly curious behaviour and outbursts, but could this be symptomatic of someone struggling with their mental health?

Ever since he moved us to Non Park, with absolutely no idea of how to run or fund the site, his decision making has been highly suspect. Employing Morrell and handing our long, lucrative contracts to players who had shown nothing during pre-season other than they fully understood the term "all you eat buffet" showed further lack of judgement.

Assuming that the new facilities would somehow, automatically generate income without him actually doing anything could be a sign of shoddy business acumen. Alternatively could it be evidence of failing thought process?

His infamous blaming of everyone and everything else for mistakes that he made could be further evidence of a vague grasp on reality.

From the moment he announced the club was for sale he has changed his mind daily about what he intends to do. Firstly he is happy to give the club up. Next he wants a couple of hundred thousands to sell up. Next he wants investors to give him money, but insisting that (for God alone knows what reason) he remain as Chairman. Suddenly the club debt is given at over a million? Does he even know what he wants or what we owe anymore?

Add into this mix his oft-suggested, alleged all-night online gambling "hobby", and you have to wonder how long he can carry on. We fear he hasn't grasped how close to folding the club is. All we can hope is that his close friends or family can get through to him, and, if necessary, get him some help. Preferably before he drives the club fully onto the rocks.

ET Finally Dares To Criticise Running Of Club

2012-01-16T22:08:00.004Z

Corby Set For Independence Vote

2012-01-15T14:54:00.001Z

In a surprise development, it has emerged that the Scottish referendum will include the people of Corby.

And if the Scots vote for independence, they will get Corby as part of the deal.

“Two can play at that game”, said a Government spokesman, “and we look forward to seeing the expression on Alex Salmond’s face when he finds out what a shit hole it is”.

“In fact, even if the Scots vote no, we will ask England to vote yes to get rid of Corby.”

Alex Salmond is understood to be reflecting on the news.

Now, who fancies a gamble?

2012-01-14T13:10:00.000Z

Has a game ever looked less likely to be played?

http://www.ketteringtownfc.co.uk/story.php?story_id=921

Baby, it's cold outside!

2012-01-14T13:06:00.000Z

Frozen conditions. Is the game on? How to find out? Call the club and speak to one of the club staff (as if!) What about checking club website? It's OK for finding out what meal will be available for pre-match dining, or if you want the stats of players like Jon Challinor, or Manager Morrell Maison! We can even see the stats of greats like Roy Clayton (184 goals in 462 games), or Brett Solkhon (curiously 0 goals in 0 games...)

However, when it comes to less important information such as, are we actually playing today, or is the Chairman intent on destroying the club, we are less well served.

There is also a handy section detailing our collection of officials and authorised blaze-wearers.

Club President - Sid Chapman

Chairman - Imraan Ladak
Finance Director - VACANT
Operations Director - VACANT
Non-Executive Director - Lee Thorn
Non-Executive Director - Elio Buizza
Associate Director - Adrian Wright
Associate Director - Gary Foreman
Associate Director - Bryony Gates
Associate Director - Gary Graham
First Team Manager - Mark Stimson
Assistant Manager - Scott Barrett
Club Secretary - Mike Cobb-Pernak
Community & Schools Liaison Officer - Mike Cobb-Pernak
Club Doctor - Dr David Thomas
Safety Officer - Mark Brace
Groundsman - Paul Knowles (Greenbay Maintenance)
Programme Team - Terry Brumpton And Excel Print
Club Photographer - Mike Capps (Kappasport)
Webmaster - SLAMJAM

I can't say I'm totally familiar with the set-up at Non Park, but I'd be surprised if Messrs Stimson, Knowles or Thorn would confirm the accuracy of this list. Interestingly the main triumvirate of Chairman, Operations & Finance Directors are all sadly lacking. OK, there is at least a name under the title of Chairman, but, come on, surely this one is a joke?

Just another symptom of a club that if you said was run in an amateurish fashion, you would be insulting amateurs.

What Goes Around

2012-01-13T14:48:00.000Z

Even though our Club might soon cease to exist, the fact that supporters are due to show Imraan the red card tomorrow makes me chuckle. Who can forget the Leeds game where a bright-eyed, excited Imraan eagerly bounced in front of the ITV cameras to have a dig at the Council and wave his own red card. true, we all felt the same as Imraan, and were soon waving our own red cards at our numb-nuts councillors.

As ever with publicity stunts it proved to be a 5 minute wonder. Somehow the Council survived. They still don't give a damn about the Poppies. Leeds bloody well equalised. Imraan (and Ben Pickering) didn't get their Manchester United pay day. And Imraan didn't get his new ground with excellent facilities until we moved into the recently departed husk of the Scum last summer.

And what an excellent job Imraan has made of utilising all of the wondrous facilities at Non Park. It does make you wonder how much of a fluke his successful locum business was when measured against his record since. Burger bar in Rocky Road car park. Hmm. Blink-and-you'll-miss-it Insurance company. Well.... Chinese restaurant in a football ground, outside a god-fearing village where they would probably burn at the stake anyone of oriental appearance. What was he thinking?

Happier days. Happier demonstrations.
Equally miserable Poppies fans

It seems the only successful innovation Imraan has overseen at his time at the Poppies was the organisation of his red card demonstration. It must have been a good idea, because it would appear he is going to be on the receiving end of a similar stunt on Saturday. Or at least his empty seat in the Director's box will feel the withering blast of a few pieces or red card waved around, in a rapidly depopulated, and unloved stadium!

How did it go so wrong? asks Pedro (and the rest of us)

2012-01-10T10:58:00.000Z

As we sit transfixed in front of Poppynet in the dog days of the Imraan Ladak era, it’s worth asking how did it go so wrong?

If we think back to the start of this era, it seemed all of our Christmases had come together. We had a rich young chairman, promising us the earth with one of football’s biggest names as manager. Immediately new players started arriving (with the CV to demonstrate the commitment to flowing football and success). Admittedly, it quickly went pear-shaped but the necessary action was taken and Morrell Maison arrived, steadied things and had us playing champagne football. At this time I, like many of us, couldn’t wait for the next feast of football, only slightly dulled by the nagging inability to fix the defence. Yes, we could score 4 every game but the opposition could often score 4 or more themselves. Sadly, Morrell couldn’t bring us the success Imraan craved and he was eventually dispatched (who knows what might have happened had he been kept on and we’d won the playoffs that season?!).

Mark Cooper was brought in, funds were provided, and we romped home as champions of BSN. The glory days were just around the corner. Murmurings of discontent would occasionally become more than murmurings with a steady turnover of back office staff. However, this was easy to ignore while success on the pitch, coupled with lucrative high profile cup runs, continued. Coops eventually went on to pastures anew with all our best wishes. From here on, things quickly began to slide, I’d say you can even put a date on it: the night John Deehan was sacked.

Throughout this time, Imraan kept his own profile high, regularly arguing with the Conference Board (something many of us thought was more than due given the ridiculous way the Conference was, and still is, run; a bit like KTFC today! ) and supporting the Palestinian cause (again, something many of us didn’t just sympathise with, but admired him for and proudly wore the shirts with the logo).

Ever since, we seem to have been a club on the verge of crisis, eventually falling off the verge into full on crisis. Yet we, the fans, have never been told

How is it that a chairman that once seemed the answer to all our prayers, a chairman who walked amongst us fans and was a fan, who brought us huge success for a time, who championed causes many of us supported, a chairman that at one time had so much goodwill, has now become such a pariah? Had he been open and honest with everyone, working with the many people who only want what’s good for KTFC instead of seeing plots against him everywhere, we’d have helped him overcome whatever crisis or crises ahead.

Sadly, instead of going down in memory for all the right reasons, Imraan will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Pedro - The Voice of Reason

Careful with that axe, Eugene

2012-01-08T20:29:00.001Z

We have had to put up with the former club employees grinding their axes with Imraan for many months on Poppynet. You know, the ones who grandly announce that they are privy to tidbits of information that they couldn't possibly divulge to mere mortal Poppies supporters. Oh no. Heaven forbid. It's enough that YOU know that THEY know something.

As it has transpired, they have been "right" and the club has been royally f**ked over by Imraan. Not that any of them were in the least bit specific with their dark mumblings, but you wouldn't know this from the way they are crowing as the club is about to blink out of existence.

As we have all known, almost since his arrival, Imraan has run the Poppies in what could charitably be called a scandalously haphazard fashion. And no one has known this better than the axe-grinders, as they have been on the inside, looking out. They have grandly swanned around the ground on matchdays, with their superior expressions, swathed in their "Poppies officialdom". All seeing and all knowing. They would have known then how Imraan was running the club, but did any of them say anything then, whilst exercising influence, strutting around in club blazers, or banking their DRC paychecks? Of course not. They were more than happy to go along with Imraan's shenanigans as long as they were on the inside. All of which makes their bleating now that they are just ordinary fans like the rest of us so hard to swallow.

Unfortunately this attitude has shown itself again with regard to the Supporters Trust. Former members of the Trust committee, who have stood down over the years because they couldn't play nice with others, or threw their toys out of the pram, are popping up now asking why the Trust isn't organising boycotts, or setting up a brand new club, or at the very least, hiring a hitman to "rub-out" Imraan.

Again, when they were on the Trust committee they did bugger all, but now are demanding action from everyone else. God alone knows why anyone would choose to be on this committee. Since formation thay have contributed thousands to the club, organised pretty much every event the club has put on, and paid for most developments at Rocky Road such as disabled access, and new goalposts. They even shelled out, at Imraan's "invitation" to pay to investigate our using Corby's new ground.

Former committee members, and others, including many who can't be arsed to part with a few quid to actually join, are clamouring for the Trust to ride in and sort all of the club's problems. Not an easy task. A thread on Poppynet talking about a simple task of demonstrations at "home" to FGR will have as many different suggestions as their are posters.

Painful as it is to admit, but until Imraan actually does something there is very little ANYONE can do. If we want something to happen at the FGR game why not clamour for Imraan to take the microphone at halftime and tell us what's going on? He likes talking. He probably believes he can still talk us around. All of us will be there. And, if we don't like what we hear at least the Trust-hired hitman will have a clear shot.....

Stimson - A Poppies Career

2012-01-06T18:50:00.000Z

September 2011, and Mark arrives at Non Park,
confident in his abilities and looking forward
to the challenge of lifting Morrell Maison's motley
collection of bored lard-arses up the
Blue Square League.

By November the strain begins to show as most of the large
group of lazy tubbies are shown the door and not replaced.

Not sure about the Chairman either....

By December the effort involved with
trying to keep a team of malingerers, 10 year olds
and malcontents going is taking it's toll.

Hasn't spoken to the Chairman since his
interview. Can't remember his name.

After the Luton games, working with
a rapidly shrinking squad, and suffering from
further strain, Mark finally
hears back from the Chairman.

It's good news, he's free!

Poppynet goes Pop!

2012-01-05T18:14:00.000Z

Graham Jones has spotted a painful flaw in online forums in general, and our own Poppynet in particular! Please remember, if any of the posters have an issue with how they are portayed below, this wasn't written by the PATGOD staff! Doesn't mean we don't agree though!

"Have you noticed lately that no matter what the subject is on Poppynet the subject always finishes up with people having the same argument? Here is one thread that got banned.

Gaj: Haven’t we had a lot of wind and rain lately in Kettering.

The Gob: There’s been more at Nene Park though.

CC: I don’t know that Pink Floyd song Simon. Have you heard something about them having a new CD out?

The Gob: I tried telling people at Wicksteed Park that they have more rain at NP but everyone just put on their anoraks and just went there singing in the rain

CC; actually NP has the third highest rainfall of any ground in the Conference. Points for anyone who knows the top 2.

Penfold: I bet Radio Northampton won’t do a weather forecast for Kettering though.

JC: The trust knew NP has more rain but would anyone listen?

Horace: As long as it doesn’t get into my pint of Fugglemuckers Finger Ale I don’t care.

The Gob: That’s if IL has got any beer on. Didn’t he promise we would have free beer at NP?

Gretton Poppy: Is it Ebbsfleet?

CC: no

Timaloy: It rains a lot at Ibrox.

Elvis: I hadn’t used to think it was IL’s fault about all the rain lately but now I’m not so sure.

Pedro: At last people can see that it always rains more when the Tories are in power.

Sadman: I have checked and in fact it does rain at Rockingham Road as well

The Gob: I tried telling people at Wicksteed Park that they have more rain at NP but everyone just put on their anoraks and just went there singing in the rain.

Sev: We have thought about having a meeting about the rain but it is not possible due to our constitution.

Wotever: Believe me, it will pour down non-stop for the next 5 days.

Scully: When I was at the club my youth players had to get used to playing in rain, so we practised in the showers with the water full on.

Paulk: No wonder the electric bill was so high. I think IL knew all along that it rains a lot at NP as I used to tell him all the time but he wouldn’t listen. Solkhon plays well in the rain.

HOTK: …. ….. ….. …… …..!

The Gob: I tried telling people at Wicksteed Park that they have more rain at NP but everyone just put on their anoraks and just went there singing in the rain.

Everybody: Shut up!

This is why we don't normally talk to the press

2012-01-03T21:01:00.002Z

It was my big moment. As I shuffled towards the turnstile, it became apparent there was a reporter asking fans for their views. Quickly I collected my thoughts...

“Excuse me, we’re asking fans for their hopes for 2012?”

I paused for a moment.

"I say to you today, my friend, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream.

I have a dream that one day this club will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that every supporter can watch his team play in its rightful home."

I have a dream that one day even the plain of Irthlingborough, swimming with injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that one day the club of Kettering Town, whose owner’s lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where we glimpse the promised land.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and we won’t be stuffed 5-0 twice inside a week.

This is our hope. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our struggle into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day".

The ET edited this slightly to:

“We need the embargo lifted, or I fear Poppies will be going down.”

Bloody journalists.

You know things are grim when...

2012-01-02T17:41:00.003Z

...The team runs out to ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’

...Followed by ‘Daydream Believer’.

...Poppynet’s Prediction League is abandoned due to an overdose of pessimism.

...Away fans sympathetically refrain from pointing out we’re shit and we know we are.

...Yet again we’re losing at home with the scoreboard reading 2.59pm.

...The team earn warm applause for avoiding defeat by a spectacular margin.

...Marcel McKie would greatly strengthen the squad.

...So would Ernie Moss. Now.

...Cobblers are in free fall and we’re all too depressed to care.

...The most likely opponents next Christmas are AFC Diamonds.

...It wasn’t this bad under Mark English.

'11/12 - The fateful account

2011-12-31T19:13:00.008Z

"It is a bold venture, but the right men have gone to attempt it.”

"Things were not as rosy as they might be, but we keep our spirits up and say the luck must turn.”

“Great God! This is an awful place.”

“I am just going outside and I may be some time.”

“We shall stick it out to the end, but we are getting weaker, of course, and the end cannot be far.“

“It seems a pity but I do not think I can write more.”

Fitterest and Properest

2011-12-31T14:54:00.001Z

Imraan's search for creditable and ethical investors continues with a couple of stalwart members of the medical fraternity.....

<>

Dr Harold Shipman

For - Always good to have another medical
man on board. Perhaps we could let the
physio go....?

Against - we have a large number of
older supporters, and we can't afford to
lose any of them!

Dr Evil

For - Looking to invest ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Against - Always a danger that Mike Myers will
lapse into one of the dozens of painfully unfunny
characters he also plays.

Locum Hokum

2011-12-28T20:26:00.001Z

The first thing to be said is that any information is better than no information, so to that extent at least, today’s club statement puts a little more detail in the public domain.

Whether it actually helps our cause is a moot point – ‘it would be unwise for me to comment on my dispute with DRC Locums - so you just watch me’ is a novel approach to conflict resolution.

Then we must ask – how much of this do we believe? Some, long past the point of no return, will dismiss it entirely. No one, I suspect, beyond those in his camp will stand by every word. For the remainder, lacking a bullshit screener on their anti virus software, it’s a case of sifting the evidence and trying to decide which bits are credible.

Poppynet’s assembled band of scrutineers will do that very well, but ultimately it won’t make a scrap of difference who’s right and who’s wrong if the football club dies whilst the lawyers wrangle.

Let’s take one part of the statement – the jaw dropping revelations about the full extent of the sponsorship deal with DRC Locums.

If the quoted amount of £1.4m over little more than 2 years is accurate, we are talking about a phenomenal sum for a club at our level. It’s unimaginable that DRC Locums would see a return on that investment even if we got to the Cup Final itself let alone the 2nd Round tie that apparently is part of the argument. So it can only have been a donation, an extremely generous one, which IL engineered as part of the deal when selling DRC.

Now we are told that since the sponsorship was terminated in March this year, over 400K remains unpaid. Again taking the figures in the statement today at face value, that would mean DRC actually did pay a sum in excess of £500K for the privilege of being the main sponsor of a club in the fifth tier of English football over an 18 month period.

No wonder they’re pissed off!

Maybe Ladak is legally within his rights to hold out for the full amount. Doubtless he has been advised he has a strong case. But even with just his version of events to go on, this strikes me as an argument that would end at best in a compromise (and that has probably been pushed back by airing it so publicly) and at worst in nothing.

Now surely is the time for Ladak to swallow his pride and recognise that no one is bothered any more about his endless attempts at self justification. We just want a club to support and it’s not too late to preserve that by encouraging dialogue rather than rattling sabres.

Out of the Frying Pan...

2011-12-27T20:39:00.002Z

All day I’ve been searching for the best way to describe reaction to the latest news, and in the end it’s the first phrase that pops into your head.

It’s not only conspiracy theorists who are alarmed by the suggestion that our sinking ship is about to be towed to shore by Messrs Hill and Rolls. A duo whose record in football ownership to date is not completely unblemished. Their joint CV reads like a Who’s Who of strife, with precious little there to inspire confidence that these are trustworthy individuals to own a club.

And even better, it’s reported that Ladak will still be around, to guide the new board on important matters like pissing off the last unpaid volunteer who’s prepared to assist, or picking a fight with the world in general.

Come on, did we do something bad in a previous life or something? A joke’s a joke but this is getting silly.

Only with our wretched luck in picking saviours could the prospective arrival of a man with a reported fortune of £200m be greeted with such dismay.

The question begs, if he’s that rich, to the extent he was flirting with taking over Sheffield Wednesday (Premiership potential – slightly more than us) why KTFC? Unless perhaps in the fullness of time it won’t be KTFC but some as yet unknown combination of initials, in the deluded belief that another MK Dons can grow alongside the A6.

And then there’s Rolls, ex Cambridge Utd and Weymouth chairman who again isn’t a byword for happy ever after. Youtube has a long (over 17 minutes) interview earlier this year with a pair of admirably dogged presenters on the BBC Non-League Show, in which Gorgeous George was pressed about his involvement with Weymouth and it’s fair to say it doesn’t allay concerns. Pluckily portraying himself as a football lover who just wants to help clubs in need, and conspicuously avoiding any commitment not to flog off Weymouth’s ground if he could move them n to share with Dorchester, it was hard to shake the feeling we’d heard this kind of smooth blandishment before. About 20 years ago. At least we’ve already lost our home ground and decamped in a different town. Or as George would say, phase one complete.

So if this is the plan all along, and not some ploy to force Lee Thorn to up his offer from £1 (£2?), it does rather have a certain logic. Modern non-League chairman, utterly unconcerned by fan sentiment, seeks like minded outgoing individuals, gsoh, to enjoy forming hybrid football club and shared love of eating out, country walks and making money.

But, as Imraan said when reappointing MM, “everyone deserves a second chance”, so let’s just suspend disbelief and pretend that maybe the mooted takeover is entirely in good faith. How would that be demonstrated by the new regime?

1. A clear, legally binding commitment that the club currently occupying Nene Park will continue to bear the name of Kettering Town FC unless or until it moves to another location by its own choice.

2. Settling all debts in full, especially those owed to local businesses and ex employees who can ill afford to be shafted.

3. Rewarding Mark Stimson’s loyalty under duress with a decent contract, thereby dispelling fear that our death throes will be tainted by association with Garry Hill.

4. An investment in the squad in January that shows a positive intent to keep us in the BSP not run us into the ground.

5. An offer to the Trust of meaningful involvement.

A short enough list. Doubtless missing some important things but a starting point nonetheless.

Fitter and Properer

2011-12-27T17:20:00.000Z

Stalin

For - World class 'tasche.
Against - May challenge me for control of the club!

The Daleks

For - Good organisers. And cheap to maintain.
Against - Too many steps at Non Park.

Fit and Proper

2011-12-27T17:12:00.000Z

It really does pay to dig around in the bins at Non Park, as it is the only way of finding out what's going on at your football club. Other teams rely on boring methods of communication such as updated websites, but not us. No, we rely on the more creative method of information dispersal of bunging stuff in the bin.

As talks of takeovers and new investors are flying around, we thought we would take this opportunity to investigate further. After much wading through unopened letters from former landlords, and wading through thousands of agents' CV's and DVD's showing highlights of their "quality" players, we struck gold.

Today we can reveal the names of some of those individuals who didn't quite make the cut with Imraan, along with his reasons for turning them down.

Hannibal Lector

For - Smart guy, could be used to keep website updated.
Against - No one would trust the meat pies anymore!

Pol Pot

For - Would take no shit from the fans.
Against - Now the Shaolin has gone, his
off-field usefulness would be limited

.

Will Imraan actually kill the Poppies? Part Two

2011-12-23T16:20:00.001Z

When you read this thread from Poppynet, the answer to the above question is starting to look worryingly like "yes".

http://www.poppynet.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=12602

Imraan is infamous for his lack of consideration when it comes to being where and when he has promised. This is bad enough when letting down supporters, but doing it when the club itself is at stake is unforgivable.

The Thorne's?
Frying pan and fire?

Allowing this petty idiosyncrasy to put the future of the Poppies in even further jeopardy he really is skating on thin ice with the Poppies support.

Imraan, get you New Year's Eve payday by all means. Pay off your "investors". Then be gone. There are still no guarantees if this happens. We're still playing miles from home in a money-pit ground Imraan has saddled us with. Our old home has been barred to us. We have very little money coming in. Stimson always seems to be on the verge of jacking it in. And relegation looks more likely than not.

And what of Lee Thorne? He always seemed to us a bit too close to Imraan and "Project Suicide". However, if he has extricated himself from Imraan's pissing around and is willing to stand up and be counted in the Poppies cause, we can't really do anything but to rally to his colours, could we?

Mind you, do we know what we would be getting ourselves involved in with Lee? After all, his brother, Damien was a bit of a terror in his day.

Will Imraan actually kill the Poppies?

2011-12-21T19:57:00.000Z

With Rocky Road being locked-up, baliiffs sniffing around, Imraan not turning up with meetings with people looking to buy the club, and the few members of staff we had either being sacked or resigning, you have to ask yourself whether Imraan has decided to kill us off.

We know the club generates very little income on matchdays due to a combination of most of us having season tickets, and Imraan running the off-field operation like an early-round reject from "Young Apprentice". If he is not prepared to even consider plugging the shortfall, or sell the club to someone who will, it is difficult to see how the club can carry on.

All of this brings to mind a couple of statements Imraan has made in the past, which seems a little hollow now. He has always put great stock in being considered a "real fan", and pointing to his continued investment as evidence that he is in it for the long run. Hmm....

Allied to this stance is the fact that he has always insisted he wasn't another Mark English, and until recently no-one really thought he was. However, similarities are starting to emerge. Both came into the club under the cover of former England midfielders. Both claimed to be paying bills, changing the ground (ok, re-roofing a terrace in English's case), insisting that everything was under control, even as we could all see it wasn't. By the end of respective reigns both seemed to be trying to, how to put this.....? Liquidise as many financial assets as quickly as possible. For English this meant breaking into the fag machine, and for Imraan it would appear to be the slightly classier packing of as many Luton fans into the ground on New Years Day as humanly possible.

Because of the actions of many Poppies supporters back in the early 1990's English didn't destroy us. It remains to be seen whether Poppies supporters circa 2012 can emulate their predecessors. One thing is for certain, it's going to far more difficult to pull things around this time, given the state of the economy, the fact we're no longer tied into Kettering, and being at Imraan's mercy.

All we can do at the moment is pray that our Chairman somehow decides to pull us out of our current nosedive, but it doesn't look promising. A while ago we suggested we would happily take Conference North and Rocky Road for the next 10 years. Now I'd take Southern League at Rocky Road for just next year, at least keeping us alive for a year longer than we now anticipate.

Remember this?

2011-12-19T21:34:00.000Z

BBC Sport website, 27 July:

Kettering Town to give Rockingham Road proper farewell.

Kettering Town chairman Imraan Ladak has insisted the club wants to give their long-time home ground at Rockingham Road a "proper farewell". The Poppies are expected to complete a move to Nene Park, the former headquarters of Rushden & Diamonds, who are in administration.

"We definitely need to have a proper farewell game here," Ladak told BBC Radio Northampton.

"If we can do that in this pre-season then we will - but if not, later on."

Kettering are due to entertain a Southampton XI in a friendly there on Thursday (1945 BST) and will then use the venue for women's, reserve and youth team matches.
Ladak added: "The idea is to use the facility as much as we can.

"We still have a lease on it for another couple of years - so unless the landlord says he wants early possession we'll carry on using it."

FOR FREE, OBVIOUSLY

Tis The Season To Be Jolly (Yeah Right)

2011-12-18T20:37:00.001Z

This wretched season already feels never ending, like a bad dream or an interminable series of Strictly Come Dancing, which like our current campaign also kicked off months ago and has been tormenting me ever since, hogging the house’s only decent telly and threatening the end of society itself by feeding Robbie Savage’s already grotesquely huge ego.

So rapidly did pre-season optimism crumble after that fleeting high against Newport, it is already two months since our last win and a month since we were permitted even the most basic human right of the follower of a struggling team - being able to demand wholesale changes!

Instead, in that peculiar parallel universe we now inhabit, players who would normally be chased out of the car park by angry fans are accorded hero status for not yet deserting the club. Apart from the one who has quit the game due to depression! Only the good taste for which Patgod is renowned prevents us from reaching for an easy punchline there.

If this is the road ahead, expect to see more rousing ovations after we earn an occasional point, Pat Noubissie crowned the new “Mr Kettering” because he can trace his Poppies career all the way back to Rockingham Road, and a team composed entirely of youngsters who don’t like 90s music because it’s the stuff their parents listen to.

Meanwhile, in his noble quest for positives to take from every fresh disaster, Stimmo will take heart from the calmness under pressure showed by the Ise Lodge under 7s in the half time penalty shoot out.

Still, could be worse. With the Bath game now out of the way, we can look forward to an easy run of games featuring Luton, Luton, Wrexham and Gateshead. The latter’s trip to NP next month could even provide an answer to that old metaphysical poser – if a team scores a goal but there is no one in the away end to hear it, is it really a goal?

Plus January offers the exciting prospect of real 6 pointers against Telford and Lincoln. Win both of those and, who knows, we could end the month still with daylight between us and Alfreton!

So now is not the time for faint hearts. “We few, we happy few. We band of brothers”. Yes they may be the Ifil brothers, but at least they’re not the Chuckles (not interested in a loan deal, apparently). There’s everything still to play for. The OWS has just been updated to say that Santa’s elves also owe us a load of presents that were agreed in pre-season, and our legal advice is we have a very strong case if they’re not delivered by the 25th.

So with that imminent injection of cash, smellies and colourful knitwear we have every hope of getting the embargo lifted in time to give us maybe an outside chance of finishing at least third from bottom. And then perhaps if Darlo and - who knows -Stockport get the chop at the AGM Cup we may yet do a Forest Green (or, for older readers, Welling).

Happy Christmas everyone!

Goodbye Mr McKenzie*

2011-12-17T19:33:00.002Z

In a season of curious occurrences, Leon McKenzie's brief Poppies career is certainly up there. As with a considerable number of players released from the Cobblers, Leon trudged down the well-worn path to the Poppies to eke out a few more footballing paydays.

Despite being almost terminally injury prone he has managed to play a handful of games and grab a few goals. He has perhaps wisely announced his retirement due to those continual injuries and brought down the curtain on his career with today's game with Bath.

"OOOF!" How did you enjoy non-league Leon?

I don't want to be a party pooper. Leon may well be a decent bloke, but the over-the-top reaction to the departure of a player with so few games for the Poppies has left me bemused. We have had players who have sweat blood in a Poppies shirt for several years who have disappeared without so much as a mention. Some great Poppies stars have been allowed to slip away without us having the chance to bid them farewell, and yet after less than half a season Leon managed to secure a Poppies testimonial.

OK, not an actual testimonial as such, but one might be forgiven for thinking this is what we witnessed this afternoon. Captain for the day. Comes on the pitch with his kids. Takes the applause and ovation at the final whistle, and receives a guard of honour from his teammates. In keeping with a testimonial, the game just drifted and bobbled along, and to be honest Leon should have been removed in favour of a front two of KHM and JD with a good half hour to go. Stimson, I never realised you were such a softie! Let's just hope Leon doesn't expect to bank the takings today too! He'll come up against a bunch of belligerent Ladaks!

I hope Leon enjoyed his brief stint with us and has success in his future endeavours, even if his career with us didn't amount to more than the merest of footnotes in Poppies history.

* the other Goodbye Mr McKenzie were, of course, the ace Scot's rockers of the late '80's and early '90's = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F23SoNYjEwI

They say you never see a poor bookie.....

2011-12-17T18:52:00.000Z

....and no wonder! Even when they seem to drop a bit of a bollock with their odds, they still come out smelling of, well, my money! I hate to think how many of us took a bit of a bigger than normal flutter on a Poppies win against Bath. But, given the very generous 11/2 odds being offered for a home win I fear a few of us may be looking at a slightly thinner Christmas than anticipated.

Yes, I know home wins have been as thin or the ground this season as kept promises from Imraan, but still.....surely a practically full strength Poppies could beat lowly Bath, who haven't won away from home all season?

Perhaps we could have won had we decided to start playing before 4.30, because before then I'm not sure their 'keeper even saw the ball, let alone had to save it!

Such was our non-performance for the first 80 minutes I would seriously consider suing the players for loss of earnings - were it not for the fact that they are likely to be doing the same thing!

£19 quid to watch Luton! It's a disgrace!

2011-12-14T19:39:00.000Z

Understandably most people have taken a dim view at the news that adult tickets for the forthcoming game with Luton will cost an eye-watering £19.00. Well, a dim view amongst Luton fans anyway. We've all got season tickets!

However, for those few amongst our readership with nothing better to do than wonder where all these enormous £19.00 entrance fees will go, we have found this breakdown, hastily scribbled on a discarded cigarette packet outside the Director's lounge.

£19.00 - Entrance Fee

£7.00 - Police Costs (could be extra if they actually get out of their van)
£5.00 - Rent to Cousins
£3.00 - Imraan's cut
£1.50 - Legal costs for Imraan's ongoing spat with James Caan over the billion pound sponsorship deal agreed with DRC Locums just before he sold up

£1.00 - Jay and Ray's cut

70p - Part payment of JP's Corby wages

36p - Second class stamp so Imraan can post his latest homework to his correspondence course covering rudimentary book-keeping, and suck-it-and-see financial planning
25p - Retainer for Morrell's dubious services

10p - Rent to Pickering
5p - Irthlingborough ducking stool upkeep
3p - Replenishing the toilet paper for the first time since the Direones left.
1p - Player's wages

Or

£18.95 - Imraan's last payday
5p - Big, double layer bin bag for Imraan to fill with money and sling over his shoulder at 5.55PM on New Years Day.

Oh No! You!! Don't!!!

2011-12-11T20:35:00.001Z

At times like this we need some festive cheer. Something to raise the spirits and remind us of what it feels like to be happy. Let’s face it, Kettering needs a lift.

Instead, starting Tuesday, it gets Neil and Christine Hamilton appearing in Cinderella at the Lighthouse Theatre. Haven’t we suffered enough?

Mind you, after a couple of weeks of making an arse of themselves in front of parties of schoolkids who’d rather be at home with their Playstations, and care home residents bussed in from Burton Latimer, the Hamiltons might equally be rueing their luck. It will feel a long way from the Ritz in Paris and other treats which they enjoyed in the days when hubby was selling parliamentary questions rather than tickets for the Thursday matinee show.

Almost as traditional as panto itself are the wonderful ‘reminders’ that appear under the names of the celebrity performers, to help the 99.91% of the population to whom they mean absolutely nothing. “Tinky Winky in Teletubbies”, “BBC Radio Cornwall breakfast DJ”, “Once appeared on Stars In Their Eyes” etc. Whilst arguably this is unnecessary in the case of the Hamiltons, it would be a pity not to see “Disgraced former minister and his ghastly wife” on the promos.

Any undiscerning punters who attend the show can expect to witness at least some acting pedigree on display. After all, he had a good try at pretending to be innocent, when lying all the way through the cash for questions investigation. There should also be a regulation number of awful lines about MPs expenses and brown envelopes shoehorned into the script until it cries for mercy. Plus, as Baron Hardup, he will at least give local football fans a name they can relate to.

Best of luck to the team today at Gateshead

2011-12-10T12:55:00.000Z

Crap draw, at the worst possible time,
but all the best for today boys!

There's a Happy Meal in it if you win!

There's always a bright side to any situation

2011-12-10T11:36:00.000Z

Obviously the Club's present struggles have been well documented, and no one can take pleasure from our precarious position. It is grim, and there's no getting away from the air of desperate concern around the place.

However, here at PATGOD we couldn't be happier. Misery seems to bring out the inner-writers amongst the Poppies faithful. We are being inundated with unsolicited articles (well, three), which we can cut and paste on here, allowing us more free time for Christmas shopping with the missus's. Hmm. We haven't thought that one through very well.....

So with the future of the club hanging in the balance (allegedly), we thought we’d catch up with Chairman Imraan Ladak and find out how negotiations are going...... Unlike Trust Chairman, we at PATGOD found our call being taken first time but just as with said Trust Chairman we decided to put the conversation straight into the public domain. So here goes

PG: So Imraan what’s happening with the club now?

IL: Well as you know I’m trying to put together a deal to sell the club and at the moment we have two bidders.

PG: That’s very interesting Imraan....

IL: Arefa quick ring Dunham and tell him that we’ve now got 3 interested parties. You won’t regret this PATGOD the club’s got a great history and under your leadership a great future as well.

PG: But Imraan we don’t want to buy the club we just want to know how negotiations are going.

IL: Well PATGOD owning a football is a great experience, a chance to bond with the fans and tell them that you’re one of them. Once you’ve done that you can pretty much do want you want and they’ll go along with you.

PG: So are you saying that calling yourself a fan was just to get those present at the Wicksteed meeting to go along with the NP move?

IL: No, no that’s not the case at all. To be honest when I arrived at Wicksteed that fateful Friday I was very much undecided about what the right course of action was. It was only when I saw the ground swell of public opinion in favour of the move that I felt we had to give it a go. And of course, that ground swell didn’t include the large number of fans who weren’t able to make it that night. When you add them into the mix it was an overwhelming majority.

PG: But Imraan no one could describe the move to NP as a success?

IL: The move to NP has been a great success.

PG: Now you’re just kidding aren’t you Imraan because it hasn’t been a success.

IL: No it’s been a success. The club now has a secure future with a 25 year lease and I have something I can sell.

Somewhere under stately Ladak Manor, the
Bat phone is ringing!

PG: So how are negotiations going?

IL: Well as you know there are two three interested parties and whilst I don’t want any money for my shares I need to look after Ray & Jay. Obviously as fan first and foremost – did you get that? – I want to sell to the right person but unfortunately Ray & Jay need some cash. After all they’ve put in millions of pounds.

PG: Is that right Imraan, so how much have they actually put in?

IL: Well like I said they’ve put in a considerable amount of money and I’m just glad that we’ve got three serious bidders which means that I can negotiate hard to get the price up.

PG: So Imraan what does the future hold for yourself if you do sell the club?

IL: Well I’m going to take some time out, I’ve promised to take the missus on holiday with the sale proceeds. Do poundland have a travel agency? Then when I’m back I thought I could have an end of season bash with all the players who we’ve given such a fabulous opportunity to this year.

PG: Do you think you’re still ok with them given that you haven’t paid them?

IL: Oh no, lets put that one to bed straight away. It isn’t me that hasn’t paid them, it’s all the people I’ve blamed before and of course now I can add in to the mix John Dunham. I did tell him straight that it was his fault as well as the Evening Telegraph but he said he wouldn’t publish the interview if I didn’t retract it. Well now the truth is out there and I have to thank PATGOD for giving me the platform.

PG: Any final thoughts Imraan before you go?

IL: Yes I just want to reiterate that there’s no personal pleasure in owning a football club.....What’s that? Oh yeah tell Lee Thorne there’s nothing better....

Nathan's Notebook

2011-12-05T10:12:00.000Z

At the risk of flogging an idea into the ground, Mr Koo-Boothe has been in touch.......

Hi guys

I thought I'd drop you a quick line to wish you all the luck in the world for the future. I'm sorry I couldn't hang around and ~~at least fill a shirt~~ be a linchpin of the Poppies fightback.

But when a team like my new Spanish one came knocking on my door I knew there was no way I could miss out on this opportunity of a lifetime. They tell me that I am the final part of their team jigsaw, and that I can be a major player in their continued success.

Here's to the future!

The Benidorm 1st XI can't wait to welcome their new cast member

We're All In This Together

2011-12-04T19:26:00.002Z

With some negative people spreading unnecessary and frankly unhelpful rumours lately, we're all indebted to Mr Ladak for breaking his silence and giving us an update on the club’s position.

So what do we know now?

1. We’re still owed 150K by a sponsor, and if we get the whole amount, preferably in a great big suitcase, by tomorrow morning, the players will get paid, otherwise they won’t get a penny, which is all they deserve anyway for being so poor.

2. It’s not just Imraan who’s feeling this pain, it’s his fellow investors too. Initially I thought he said Jay Kay, which just made me feel even worse – the Jamiroquai frontman surely serves better than to see part of his fortune disappear because of us. Obviously it’s still pretty gutting that poor Jay and Ray maybe won’t recover the money they sunk into KTFC, which is rotten luck when you consider how much profit can usually be made out of investing in non-League football.

3. Top marks to Imraan, he’s big enough to admit he made mistakes in his detailed planning. There was a slight over estimate, give or take 250%, of how many fans would embrace the move to Irthlingborough. The team failed to win all of their opening 15 fixtures, despite occasionally looking good in pre-season against half hearted opposition. Local businesses, completely against expectations, didn’t jam the Nene Park switchboard with corporate bookings, opting instead to save their cash to keep themselves afloat in a recession. However it was good to see that Imraan had no regrets on the really key decision – his choice of manager. Thank goodness he got that one right!

4. The Conference will be technically in breach of their own rules if they don’t allow us to sign schoolkids to enable us to be hit for 9 or 10 this side of 2012. Imraan has written to them to point this out, and with all the credit and goodwill he has stored up at Conference HQ, there’s no way they’ll put his letter at the bottom of a very large pile.

5. Poppies legend Nathan Koo Booth has moved on. Apparently to Spain, presumably as part of a cultural exchange involving Jamie Navarro. We hope he enjoys his stay at Real Madrid and is just as big a hit.

6. Imraan will sell the club just as soon as the right person comes along with a real plan. Obviously it will have to be an improvement on what's already in place, a tall order you might think. Luckily we have the answer if any prospective buyer is short of writing material...

Just how close are Kettering to going bust?

2011-12-03T17:42:00.000Z

On one side we have players not being paid. Money owed to Craw£ey, leading to a transfer embargo, so we can't even register youth players to represent the first team.

Bucket collections to give the players a few bob in travel expenses.

Groundsman not paid. Rumours abounding that none of the club suppliers are being paid and that winding-up orders are being readied.

Is the rent being paid? Will the first we know is when we turn up at Non Park to find the gates locked?

We're running low on players, and the thumpings are starting to arrive.

On the other side we have our owner, telling us that once an outstanding sponsorship contribution has been received we should be OK. This is the same owner who during what may prove to be his last communication with us at Wicksteed Park, convinced us that the move to Non Park would solve all our problems. We had new sponsors lined up. We would attract better players. Off field facilities would fund the club operations. Amazingly he also suggested that players would cost us less, as they generally wanted more money to play at dilapidated Rockingham Road!

No time to run the club properly, but plenty of time
to f**k around with stupid photographs.

He told us that the annual budget of £750,000 was made up of £150,000 from us via gate receipts, with sponsorship, other "revenue streams", and the Ladak family providing the rest. Well, with a thousand season tickets (his figure) sold before the kick-off at £200.00 a pop, we did our bit surely? And another thing, the £200.00 season ticket, whilst being good value, wasn't the enormous bargain the club made it out to be. Last season a terrace season ticket was £230.00, and even the £30.00 saving on last year's price was soon swallowed up by a £25.00 parking season ticket charge!

Is it our fault the club don't have the ability to secure sponsorship? If this is the case surely it is down to the Ladak family to plug the shortfall THAT THEY HAVE CAUSED! Does Imraan intend to finish the Club? Are we going to lose another capable Manager because of his antics? If someone else is looking to take on the Club is he standing in the way by trying to recoup some of the money he has spent here ?(obviously not this season)

As a club we have survived numerous chancers, fools and crooks masquerading as Chairmen. Surely the most financially robust owner we have ever had isn't going to be the one to kill us for want of a few quid?

He should step up, if not for himself, the club or the fans, at least to keep his online detractors quiet for five minutes.....

Message from Moses

2011-12-02T16:37:00.001Z

Hi guys.

"Journeyman?
You're right, the drive up to
York is a journey, man!"

Jus fort id drop you a line to say no ard feelins for the way fings turned up wiz you guys, lol. I's a big enuff man to admit i'm the best geezer you ever ad at Ketrin, an youll all miss me soon, lol.

dont know much about Yurk City except bleedin long way from home, lol. I expect i'll be the best player here soon enuff, lol. Who knows, may even score another goal befor too long, lol. Peraps 2moro! Ha ha, lol.

An another fing - I coulda wiped the floor with Marna if I had wanted to, lol. I coulda took is ass out ANYTIME i wanted, lol. It may have looked like he was giving me a mutha of a pasting, but vats cause im a peacible guy, lol. If i wanted i coulda capped his sorry ass, lol.

Gotta run, lol. Peace, guys! lol.

Oh, and Imraan, if you reading dis - you still owe me a big wedge, man an I'm more than redy to beat it outta your sorry skinny ass, lol.

Respect, Moses lol.

p.s. lol.

PATGOD Issue 13 - November 1991

2011-11-30T20:22:00.001Z

In an attempt to lighten the mood of unremitting gloom hanging over Poppydom we thought we'd take you all back to the carefree November of 1991. God, that's twenty years ago!

The Gulf War had just ended, leading to generations of blessed peace in that region.

Robert Maxwell plunged into the ocean, leading to the free and fair tabloid press we enjoy to this day.

Cyril Gingell had stepped down as Poppies Chairman, content he was leaving us financially secure for future generations.

Happy days!

Below are a few snippets from issue 13 - hope you enjoy, or at least recognise some of the names!

New Chairman Merv Baxter gets an early
kicking form the PATGOD posse!

Understanding what Peter Morris
is actually saying

The joys of fanzine selling

The End of Robbie Cooke

The Cobblers seek to leave the County Ground
for a bright new future!

The Inaugural Curry Club Meeting

Wanted - A Saviour (However Disreputable)

2011-11-27T19:06:00.000Z

When it comes to results I’m a pessimist. Hope for the best, expect the worst. I’ve found it helps to ease the disappointment. But when it comes to the survival of our club, somehow I’ve always believed we’ll pull through. We did it in 1982 – my first but by no means last experience of buckets being rattled inside the ground and crisis public meetings, we did it in ’85 – albeit it cost us ownership of Rocky Road, an unexploded bomb ever since, we did it in ’91 when the unpaid tax liability threatened our future and the following year when English pushed us to the brink that night at Telford.

There have been other times since and numerous before, as the club has been engaged in a perennial struggle to remain solvent for decades. Some might say that ought to tell us something about the viability of a senior non League club in this part of the world. But hang on, this is Kettering (pop 80,000), not Forest bloody Green and if they can hold their own at this level without going pop, and smaller towns can sustain Football League clubs, why do we seem perpetually unable to get by without a sugar daddy?

Hmm, how long have you got? For now the only question that matters is – can we make it into 2012?

Kettering Town’s own version of the Doomsday Clock moved several minutes closer to midnight this past week, with five players leaving in a single day and the rest still standing against the playground wall with no takers. Thanks to the transfer embargo, not even the youth team is an option any more. More’s the pity, because as we know from Poppynet’s excellent Scully, they’ve been so brilliantly coached (by Scully) they’d piss this league and evoke comparisons with the Busby Babes.

As yesterday showed, there is still enough – just – left to be competitive and maybe squeeze out the odd point. The moving reception they received at the end will hopefully sustain them on the difficult trips to Fleetwood and York, when anything less than a pair of painful beatings would be a pleasant surprise. But these boys can’t play for nothing for ever, and any of them could go AWOL between now and January. Plus some will get knocks, others may get suspended – how long until we can’t muster a starting XI and face further punishment?

The transfer embargo is the thing that is most likely to kill us in the short term. Somehow, we have to get that lifted. Emergency fundraising may do it, but no one should give a penny unless there are guarantees it won’t be siphoned off by the outgoing chairman. If we can keep going until the playing staff can be reinforced, there’s a chance of a longer future. Whether it’s anchored to the bottom of the table after a string of defeats is a distinct possibility, but it’s a measure of how much our prospects have shrivelled that most people would already be content to be kicking off next season as high as the Blue Square North rather than several rungs lower.

But like I say, when KTFC’s future is on the line, I’ve always been an optimist. There are only so many football clubs at a senior level which foreign moneybags can buy, why not pick us up for a tiny fraction of the price of someone you’ve heard of and let us be your plaything. We could be in the Premier League in 5 years! Or, more likely, back where we are now! Come on, pick up the phone. You’ll find that passing our fit and proper person test is a doddle. Right now we’d accept a bid from Pol Pot.

What is the real problem with Non Park? by Toxteth O'Grady

2011-11-27T17:28:00.000Z

I started to look into the history of the ground. I used to believe that luck (good or bad) does not happen without a reason. People say that you make your own luck but this look back in history proves that areas like the Bermuda Triangle do exist. We should really look into the history of the land that Non Park is built on to fully understand the incredible truth.

Here are some unbelievable truths about the area that I have researched and uncovered.

In 1913 an American called Charles Weston filmed his epic silent film ‘The Battle of Waterloo’ in the area that the ground is now built on. At a cost of £5000, this was a huge amount for a movie in those days. In fact, Weston made 7 films in the same area but it is said that the 1st World War put paid to Irthlingborough becoming the centre of the film industry in the United Kingdom. But this was not the real reason Irthlingborough didn’t become the centre of the film industry.

During the making of Waterloo, three actors playing the part of cavalry men fell off their horses and died while riding over the area that is now the centre circle of the pitch. Similar ‘accidents’ happened during the making of all of his films in this area. His eighth planned epic ‘The taking of Poppy Hill’ never got off the ground as the Actors refused to work in the area deeming it to be the unluckiest plot in the land. The film was later made at Elstree.

On the 28th January 1917, a new Bi Plane (the SE 5a) was being tested in the area. The chief test pilot of the Royal Aircraft Factory, a Major F. W. Goodden was killed as the plane crashed in the area that is now the centre circle of the ground.

In the Second World War, on the 15th February 1945 a B17 took off from the Air force Base at Chelverstone. Soon after take-off it crashed killing all on board. Where did it crash? Yes, you guessed it. On what is now the centre circle of the pitch at Nonce Park.

But we can go even farther back in time for more amazing facts. We all know about the Battle of Naseby. This was the key battle of the first English Civil War. On the 14 June 1645, the main army of King Charles was destroyed by the Parliamentary New Model Army commanded by Sir Thomas Fairfax and Oliver Cromwell.

Now, riding to take part in the battle were a number of men from Raunds. Amongst them were two young men, friends since they were small boys who had grown up together. As they were riding they crossed the area that is now the center circle and without warning, and for no apparent reason started to fight each other. They drew their swords and were soon both lying down dead.

In 1258 there was a battle in Northampton between King Henry the III and the upstart 6th Earl of Leicester, Simon de Montfort. Three brothers from Ringstead were riding to take part on the side of Simon de Montfort. Again, while crossing the area that is now Nonce Park, there came over them a terrible storm. Others that were close by tell of the sky getting darker and darker. Suddenly, there was a bolt of light, such as had never been seen before. The three men “turned the colour of burnt wood and were smoking for two days”.

Now, sometime in the late 5th / early 6th Century a group of knights from the castle of Camelot were riding through a wood on their way to Tingdene (now Finedon). They had been hunting wild boar to take to a feast that was to take place at Tingdene Hall the next day. As they approached a clearing something made one of the horses start. It reared up and the knight fell off his back breaking his neck. No prizes for guessing where he fell.

It is known that there was a Roman settlement in Higham Ferrers in the early 2nd century (AD). The site has been extensively excavated and it is known that it was of some importance for the Romans. Many important Roman commanders stopped off here on their way up North. It is believed that the first son of Augustus himself stopped off on one of his trips to York.

The Chieftain who ran the site was keen to impress and bid his servants to go into the local woods and find Deer and Boar to prepare a feast for their important visitor.

While hunting, they came across a beast that they had heard of in legend but had never seen before. In a clearing there was a silver shadow that glistened in the morning dew. One of the hunters drew his arrow and fired. His shot was straight and true and he killed the beast.

They took the animal back to the house and prepared it for the feast. The son of Augustus was highly impressed with the feast declaring the meat ‘the most exquisite that he had ever tasted’. They were in a great mood for the rest of the evening speaking of great exploits of the past and of the promise that the future held for their Roman Empire.

All went to bed that night with a feeling of excitement with what the future held for them. Not one of the people who had eaten of the wonderful meat or who had taken part in the hunt woke up in the morning. The servants who were left decided that they should take the carcass of the strange silver furred beast with its one horn coming from the center of its head back to where it had been killed and buried it there.

This they did and I’m sure you can guess by now where the Unicorn was buried.

So is it bad luck that no team will ever succeed at Non Park? You decide for yourselves.

Me, I just believe it’s down to the idiots with no real business sense who make plans without considering all sides of the equations!

Toxteth O’Grady

(No consideration has been given to keeping to all the facts in this story. Some are true, some are not).

Pedro talks to ET:

2011-11-24T13:28:00.000Z

Pedro has had enough of you nasty people being mean to him on Poppynet, and has found a new home for his "forthright" views here at PATGOD. Don't be jealous. You too can have your say! Just contact us with your well written, expertly argued article that basically states that Imraan has lost the plot, and we'll gladly add it to all of ours!

ET phoned Pedro’s home to get his view on the latest happenings at Rockingham Road:

ET: So it seems you were right that there’d be trouble at Rockingham Road.

Pedro: Have you been on another planet ET, we’re at Non Park now! Yes, I predicted things would turn sour in November; I even have the emails to prove it! It doesn’t make me happy to be proved right because it means it’s yet another wasted season and, even worse, I’ve wasted £200 on a season ticket!

ET: Whoops sorry Pedro, I have indeed been on another planet! So what do you think went wrong?

Pedro: I don’t think anything’s gone wrong, instead I think the whole venture was doomed from the start. Let’s quickly recap some facts:

One club had already gone bust at Non Park. It’s an expensive place to run so anyone going there would have to exploit it better than the previous occupants. But we know Silvio Ladak is a great salesman but useless prime minister. It’s beyond me how he thought we could do any better there than the previous occupants. Doing a budget for a football club is hardly rocket science.

ET: You can say that again, I know all about rocket science!

Pedro: Anyway, carrying on, a budget for a football club is fairly straightforward. The outgoings are easily calculated: you’ve got the rent, rates, ground maintenance, match day expenses etc and of course wages. You can probably calculate the whole budget to at least 10%. The hard bit is working out your income so you don’t spend beyond your means. However, the most important thing is to be conservative about it!

ET: First time I’ve ever heard you advocating being conservative!

Pedro: That was with a small “c”!

ET: Anyway, your point is?

Pedro: I wouldn’t assume that in the first year we’d have a massive income from anywhere.

So we know the outgoings, we therefore know what income we need as a minimum. And it doesn’t take a genius on a spreadsheet to work out what sort of attendances we’d need. If you then find that they’re higher than you think realistic, you have to go back to the outgoings and see what you can trim, really only the wages! Go round that loop a few times and you can see if it’ll ever work or how much you’ll have to fund it or borrow (but beware the markets can turn as Silvio found out!).

ET: You used an odd word in there, at least in the football world, realistic?

Pedro: Yep! The previous tenants averaged bigger crowds than us. There was no love lost between the two sets of supporters so you wouldn’t expect many of theirs to come over to us. It’s 10 miles away and some of our supporters couldn’t or wouldn’t travel.

ET: I travel several light years for each game. And I can.

Pedro: Nobody can predict the future. Haha, very clever!

Anyway, so before the season’s even kicked off, you can hazard a figure at what our attendances would be and you can even band them by the success we might have: play-offs, mid table or relegation battle.

ET: OK, but so what?

Pedro: It tells you how viable the whole thing is and how successful you have to be. You could also have done the same calculation for Rockingham Road (and with the new rent proposed by the landlord) and compare which was more viable.

ET: And...?

Pedro: It tells you how big a risk you can take on your manager! Nuff said.

ET: And...?

Pedro: It tells you if it’s ever going to be successful. Maybe you’ll realise it’ll never be successful and you need to get out completely!

ET: Are you saying that before we even moved to Non Park it would have been obvious to Silvio that he would have to sell up?

Pedro: I’m glad you said that and I didn’t!

ET: But what about staying at Rockingham Road?

Pedro: Well, despite it being a dump, that option might actually have looked better, at least financially.

ET: So why not stay there?

Pedro: Well I thought hard about that because I couldn’t understand why you’d go for the more expensive option. I thought despite the evidence, surely Silvio isn’t that stupid. At the time, the only thing that made sense to me was that it was Silvio’s intention all along to sell it as quickly as possible. Obviously a long lease at Non Park looks better than a short one at a dilapidated Rockingham Road. But, with the benefit of some hindsight, I think Silvio actually went for a shit or bust tactic: hope that we’d do well, gates would be high and sponsorship money would flow in. Putting Morrell in charge made that as likely as someone riding a bike into the sky!

ET: Funny you should say that, I’ve parked my bike in the tree!

Pedro: So we end up being up for sale when things are bad! I wonder how many takers there’ll be. We’re probably stuck at Non Park with a long lease, although I doubt very much it’s anywhere near as long as promised at Wicksteed Park, huge costs and little prospect of these costs being met. By the way, whatever happened to SIlvio’s promise that he would eventually hand over the club to the fans? Ha!

ET: So what do you think will happen?

Pedro: Let’s be realistic about this. The chances of a sale must be very low although a sale to Cousins or the Hills shouldn’t be dismissed and if that happens, well we have recent history to tell us what’s likely to happen! But if we ignore that possibility (and I only do that because I don’t actually think it’ll be any worse than what’s likely to happen), then the club will continue to haemorrhage cash. Silvio won’t plug the gap for long. With the squad being decimated, performances will continue to be bad and attendances will stagnate. Silvio will declare towards the end of the season that attendances are so poor that desperate measures are needed so the name will change (this will be timed as late as possible in order to stop any AFC Kettering 1872). There’ll be yet another re-launch next summer with a bastard club called Kettering Diamonds, maybe even without Kettering in it, with yet another fag packet business plan. But by then Silvio will have lost the trust of nearly all the fans (with the odd exception of those from Graceland) so few Poppies fans will go, the old Diamonds fans won’t be interested as they’ll have spent a year already doing something different, so this new “venture” will flop more quickly than Mr Floppy being asked “is that all?” on his wedding night!

ET: It’ll be that bad?

Pedro: Actually, I think in some ways that’s the “rosy” scenario. I think probably slightly more likely is that we’ll go into administration in the New Year and be wound up at the end of the season! Both scenarios lead to the end of KTFC after 140 years. And that makes me angry! It’s broadly what I thought would happen when this whole misadventure was proposed although the death of KTFC is happening more quickly than I expected!

ET: You’re angry with Silvio?

Pedro: Of course but in many ways I’m more angry with those fans that have gone along and helped this debacle! From the very start project Non Park has been doomed with the eventual outcome being the extinguishing of one of the oldest names in the world of association football. These fans could and should have been able to do some basic sums and work out the likely outcome. For god’s sake, some of them even had access to the figures! They didn’t only go along with Silvio, some of them highly trusted spoke and wrote to the fans, swaying many of those fans who had their doubts to go along with it as the only way. These people had a huge responsibility and duty; responsibility to today’s fans and a duty to all those people of Kettering who had kept football going through 140 years, including two world wars.

ET: And a galactic super war!

Pedro: Eh?

ET: Don’t worry about it, the good guys won!

Pedro: I think a lot of people forgot or didn’t understand that a football club is rooted deep in its local community, especially one like ours. That’s the main, almost the only, reason people go to watch it. Break those roots and with the first bit of difficulty it’ll die. People don’t have the same commitment to something they don’t associate with.

ET: So do you think it’s all over?

Pedro: I think it has to be almost certain unless by some miracle a new sugar daddy comes along. I’ve been saying we’ll be back playing at Rockingham Road next season. Well, I think there may be a football club playing there but I doubt it’ll be KTFC. As for Non Park, I won’t be as stupid as I have been for three seasons now; I won’t be spending any money other than for the games I go to!

ET: So will you be going on Saturday?

Pedro: Of course I will, I need to squeeze what value I can out of my season ticket! But seriously, I’m a Poppies fan through and through. Cut me in half and you’ll see KTFC all the way through. How can I not watch them and cheer them on, especially when there may not be many more chances to do so?

Pedro: Well thanks for talking to me ET. On your bike then!

ET: Don’t forget to phone home Pedro!

Imraan confesses to being completely free of blame

2011-11-23T21:29:00.002Z

In an admirable move Imraan has come clean to the Kettering public, over four pages of tonight's ET. Knowing that further rumour and suggestions were damaging the club, Imraan has bravely come out and admitted that the our precarious situation is completely not his fault. Or the fault of his partner in "bromance" - Morrell Maison.

The rest of us don't escape so easily. The players. The sponsors. Sutton United. Rockingham Road. His friends. Kettering Council. The 700 fans we have "lost" this season. The football club. Agents. The PFA. Contracts. Other clubs. Adult supporters. Under 16 supporters. Executive box sponsors. The locals. Schools. Investors. York City. Fleetwood Town. Hayes & Yeading. Demonstration against Maison. Companies. The international financial climate. The fanbase generally. Winter.

We're not sure what kind of business plan Imraan had in mind at the commencement of "Project No-hope", but from where he has placed the blame, it appears that in an ideal world......

.....We would all attend games, bringing at least one non-footballing friend with us as well as a couple of under 16 year olds. Presumably we should all then eat a mound of ~~Chinese~~ food upon arrival, and tuck into burgers and chips from various kiosks during the match itself. The players should be fitter, more disciplined, cheaper and turn in a perfect performance in front of supporters, local school children, happily surprised former Scummers, and hordes of potential sponsors and investors.

Every game should be won easily against teams who shouldn't try as hard as they might, and, ideally, the FA Cup should also be won. Supporters should be obedient and more plentiful, and the western world shouldn't be in recession.

Oh, and it should be Summer all year round so that Weddings and Events can always be staged in the Kimberley Suite. Assuming we have the facility to serve drinks. And the suite hasn't been mothballed.

Sure, all these things would be good, and greatly help our situation. Equally helpfully Imraan might not have dragged the club to Nonce Park, not offered stupid money to a bunch of ill-disciplined chubbies just because an agent tells him to, not employed the buffoon Maison, actually banked money the club was owed, and basically not run the club like some sort of f**king amateur hobby on the few times he could be arsed to attend.

Imraan has often come across as a bit of a spivvy, shifty, attention-seeking fantasist, who talked a good game, but at least paid the bills HE has run up. Now he has chosen not to pay those bills. What does that leave him looking like?

No Moneyball

2011-11-20T21:09:00.002Z

Ok so we’re skint. Now what? Perhaps the answer is coming to a screen near you.

Moneyball is the movie of the book which tells the story of a Major League baseball coach, Billy Beane, who was faced with the problem of how to compete with a small budget. Already starting to sound familiar?

Aided by a computer nerd who had no preconceptions about baseball, Beane found the solution was to study player performance data in order to identify what was really important, rather than what traditional wisdom said was important, and then find the cheapest players who could supply those things.

Quite often these players were slightly overweight, or slow, or generally thought to be too old. BB ignored that if they could still get to first base or slug the ball over the fence often enough.

The results were spectacular, with Beane’s team, the Oakland A’s, twice reaching the end of season playoffs and at one point winning 20 games in a row.

Plus he gets to be played by Brad Pitt in the film, which is not likely to happen to, say, Steve Bruce.

The Beane method used statistics to find the best players for the least money. We, on the other hand, tried the Mr Bean method, using agents to find the worst players for the most money.

So Stimson could do worse than take a leaf out of the Moneyball book. Of course baseball is much more suitable than football for the sort of micro analysis that reveals that Player A has a better strike rate to three decimal places than Player B. Baseball sports coverage is just a sea of numbers. Here we value attributes like “wanting it” or “getting stuck in” which aren’t as easy to quantify.

However, by looking beyond miles on the clock, a few dents on the bodywork or a suspicious banging noise under the bonnet we have found some gems in the past, and out of necessity it’s time to do it again.

Here’s a Moneyball XI of our own.

1) Lee Harper – quick pass the Ralgex, Lee’s back’s gone again. But a top keeper to the very last.

2) Graham Reed – League days behind him but 120% commitment and possessor of a moustache that no one dared criticise.

3) Arthur Mann – was older than most people’s grandad and almost certainly the last Poppies player who saw a Zeppelin, but what a cool customer in the left back slot and rarely exposed by opponents half his age.

4) Ian Roper - man boobs and a fuller waist than the last 5 winners of the World Professional Darts Championship, but bags of experience, guts and know how.

5) Big X – a cheapo graduate of the noted Redditch Utd academy, this dreadlocked siege engine was loved for his rampaging runs that resembled a small giraffe galloping through a shopping centre.

6) Rob Taylor – picked up for nothing, and being a student was paid £1 an hour yet was a midfield star for a couple of years.

7) Dougie Keast – from Shepshed obscurity to a decade in a Poppies shirt, and never let anyone down.

8) Brett Solkhon – limited yes and past his peak certainly, but are we likely to find anyone more up for the challenge?

9) David Hodges - he’s fat, he’s round, he weighs 200 pounds. One of Graham Carr’s left field picks, signed from God knows where, this lumbering specimen netted several times in a short spell, including one at Wycombe where we inconvenienced their title procession by inflicting their only home defeat of the season.

10) Frankie Murphy – the greatest player Desborough ever let go - a scrawny, unathletic character who was a marvel and would be worth about 500K today.

11) Ooh Johnny Graham – plucked from Leicester junior football, he nudged, tapped and bobbled his way to 15 goals a season without ever looking like he quite knew how.

I coulda been a contender!

2011-11-19T20:24:00.002Z

At the age of 7 or 8 as we were trooping off a muddy football pitch at Grange school (well, actually it was the playing field behind Avondale school), Mr Baines called out to me to say, "You in the yellow socks, I'll be keeping my beady eye on you!" These days he would have been in police custody before the day was out after a quick call to Childline, but back then I assume, and hope he was referring to the excellent game of football I'd just played. And the "yellow socks" were a pair of Leeds United away strip socks of the early 70's vintage with the blue and white stripes at the top. I have no idea how I ended up with them - I had no footballing allegiance at this time and my father was a died in the wool Man Ure fan, i.e. he never visited Old Trafford. More than likely they were a hand-me-down from a cousin or uncle. You know, the sort of thing we did in the past, before kids demanded all the latest designer labels that their friends have, or Facebook told them they must own.

Nothing came of it though. I never got to play football for the school team. However, just a couple of years later I was captain of Grange cricket team. Partly down to talent, even though we had a future County player in our ranks, but mainly because Mr Baines had just joined my father's cricket team and fancied batting above number 11 at some point! It still didn't get me a game of football, but at least I caught the eye sufficient to be mentioned in despatches.

Moving on several years and I was part of the all conquering "Oakley House" at Kettering Boys' School. "Oakley House?" you ask? Well, back in the late 70's the Boys' School still held to the old ways and divided the pupils into four different groupings for sporting events. Somehow every single boy with any discernible sporting ability seemed to have been put into Oakley House, and we wiped the floor with everyone at cricket, rugby, athletics and football. The other houses of Deene, Kirby and....er.... Gryffindor were on the receiving end of fearful beatings at the hands of the dynamic Oakley heroes. Yours truly played well enough at right back in the footballing team, although, truth be told, as we usually won by double figure scores I wasn't unduly stretched. In fact, against the impossibly poor Kirby House I'm not entirely sure I kicked the ball all game!

Also during my time at KBS I scored a goal during a games lesson where I picked up the ball on the corner edge of the box and curled it into the top corner of the net. Yes, you Henry Gotchers, WE had nets,even for mere Games lessons! The goal wasn't intentional. Never one to push my own plate up I had meant the effort as a cross, but what the hey, it flew in and I was happy to take the plaudits.

"C'mon you Helmets!"

That was it football wise until my late 30's when I joined in with some mates for a Thursday night kick around down at the KLV. I spent 99.9% of the time playing in defence, but on one sparkling occasion I joined in an attack where, in one sweeping move, I dummied one man, laid off the ball with a back heel, AND was there at the end to sidefoot the ball home. Wallop! Take that!

At this time I was also playing 'keeper for the infamous "Shiney Helmets" in the KLV Sunday 7-a-side league. With the likes of myself, Justin Lovegrove, Jon Dunham in the team, we were certainly not on the dainty side! However, I can remember making at least a couple of saves that could have almost been considered world class, even if I say so myself!

One involved tipping a ball around the post from practically point blank range, whilst another of note was getting finger tips at full stretch to a ball all but in the top corner of the goal. I may even have punched the air and high fived my teammates after that one! After I managed to prise myself my broken body off the rock hard floor that is!

So, why I am running through my rather meagre collection of footballing memories? Well, it struck me that in this Youtube age when players can get a professional contract based upon a slickly put together montage of their best bits of play, backed with an appropriately rocky music track, that I missed a trick! If only someone had been on hand to film these half dozen moments of football finery I could have caught Imraan's / Morrell's eye, signed a professional contract at the Poppies and, as we speak, been angling for a move to Brackley, or even, God forbid, Corby in order to not dread payday! Ah well!

It's Not Me, It's You. And You. And You.

2011-11-19T18:43:00.006Z

According to the UK Young Rich List compiled annually by the Sunday Times, Imraan was worth an estimated £6 million by 2008. Not bad going before hitting your 30th birthday, an age when most people are still trying to scrape together a deposit on a house, or consolidating their various debts into one manageable loan.

By 2010 Imraan’s business was reported to be forecasting annual turnover of £80 million despite the recession. This was around the time he flogged a massive 90% share to that bloke off Dragon’s Den, who usually gives the impression that he’d sooner part with his gonads than sink money into a risky venture.

So we have to assume that Imraan has a very smart business brain, though obviously not nearly as clever as Roman Abramovich, who went from rubber duck salesman to mega billionaire in ways that I’m sure he would have no problem with discussing.

He is certainly, when he chooses to be, a very effective and skilful communicator. Imraan’s public statements are usually extremely well crafted. In the days when he posted on Poppynet as Official KTFC (as opposed to various suspected other nom de plumes), it was impossible not to admire his ability to make everything he did seem perfectly reasonable.

You found yourself nodding your head at the sheer justice of his complaints against the Council, the Pickerings, the Conference board, the Football Association, ITV, the PFA, sundry other football clubs, managers, companies and organisations with which he was in dispute, various disgruntled ex club officials, employees, players & volunteers, certain small nations in central Africa, the organising committee of Crufts, and Felicity Kendal.

In the space of one evening at Wicksteed Park, he managed to persuade a substantial majority of his audience that Kettering Town’s long term interests were best served by moving to a more expensive stadium in a different town, because the commercial opportunities were so much greater, sponsors would be bidding against each other, the club would fulfil its destiny and we’d never be poor or sick or lonely again.

Had he kept talking for half an hour longer, he’d have convinced many of the same people to have MUG tattooed across their foreheads and parade naked through the streets of Irthlingborough.

So it is perhaps fair to make the following assumptions:

1. Because it’s generally accepted that happy staff produce better results, the meteoric rise of DRC Locums was probably not achieved by regular bust ups, barmy appointments, scattergun departures, telling them they’re all crap, and docking their pay without telling them.

2. If the latter isn’t true in the case of KTFC at present, Imraan would be very quick to put the record straight.

3. But even if it is, he was entirely justified and the miserable underachieving buggers should be thankful he doesn't have them whipped.

Imraan - you are a genius!

2011-11-18T09:44:00.000Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/15722636.stm

Why waste good money on groundsmen and all their unnecessary paraphernalia!

Sometimes Imraan is so far ahead of the curve that it makes me dizzy!

Imraan makes us a laughing stock (part 17)

2011-11-16T23:11:00.000Z

For the third season running it would appear that our owner's skillfully constructed business plan for the season has somehow stalled before we all start Christmas shopping. What's worse, even his most vociferous supporters kinda sensed this was coming. Again.

It's clear that the players aren't doing the business, although withholding their wages, and suggesting they piss off, isn't likely to encourage them to perform better. We've no idea what attendances Imraan was expecting, except to say, probably more than we are getting. Everything at Non Park is turning to shit. So, the million dollar question is, who's fault is this amateurish chaos?

Sorry, but step forward Imraan Ladak.

The expression about where the buck stops is decidedly accurate in this case.

Who couldn't strike an equitable deal with the admittedly greedy shits of the Pickering clan?
Who was it who dragged us down to Non Park, despite this money pit finishing off another club?
Who has negotiated a rent with the man who destroyed the previous tenants?
Who appointed Morrell?
Who agreed all the new signings, and offered them the salaries they are now apparently not worth?
Who instinctively believes everything football agents tells him?
Who signs players on 2-year contracts based on a 2-minute Youtube show reel?
Who insinuated at the Wicksteed carve-up that oodles of outside sponsorship was all but signed-up?

Most Poppies fans have given Imraan a lot of leeway during his tenure. We were in Conference North, going nowhere when he came along (a bit like Corby, except with fans). He has bankrolled a few good seasons. He and his family have invested heavily in the playing staff (generally to the detriment of everything else at the club). But let's not kid ourselves for one second that they have invested enough to be challenging for promotion. They haven't gone all "Crawley".

Sad to say, but if we were offered the exact position we were in before Imraan and his less than stellar operation came along, most of us would gladly take it. Most of us have generally see Imraan as a smart businessman who occasionally gets carried away in his football dealings, but it could be that we've all been wrong. Perhaps he is a bit of an amateur who has got lucky enough times to carry the day. Nothing about his running of the Poppies leads one to suspect hidden business acumen. Just the ability to talk a good talk and the finance to almost back it up.

Unfortunately finance is what it's all about. Imraan gets the benefit of doubt because he (hopefully) pays the bills. But let's not forget, he CHOSE to become the Chairman, he CHOSE to shell out to make us full-time on part-time attendances. He CHOSE Morell F***ing Maison to be his Manager! He CHOSE to drag us down to the banks of the Nene. No one ever put a gun to his head and demanded he fund our footballing dreams. He volunteered.

Poppynet is awash with people with axes to grind against Imraan. But you've got to ask yourself why are there so many of them, with seemingly more swelling their ranks daily? Are they all clashes of personality? Or is Imraan such a crummy boss that it is impossible to work for him for any length of time? The opinions of several dozen players, a handful of office staff, and at least a couple of managers would seem to suggest this. Does any former employee have even a remotely positive thing to say about him? I've yet to hear it.

Will the club pull out from this latest self-inflicted nosedive? Will Imraan ever answer his phone? Is Cousins prepared to let another club go to the wall to keep him in readies? Will Moses ever write anything on Twitter that doesn't make him look like a whiny 5-year old bully? Will Non Park ever feel more than a rented, temporary facility? Will the pitch ever get rolled or cut again? Will all the players leave? And, would we notice the difference?

The Cup That Jeers

2011-11-14T20:57:00.001Z

We’re out of the Cup. Again. This is getting to be an annual event!

I wasn’t at Sutton. It clashed with a long standing trip that I booked and paid for months ago, before the fixtures came out. I now realise this is what’s known as dodging a bullet, because rather than having to witness our exit in person, I was insulated by distance and even the expletive-loaded texts of my reporter on the scene spared me the full horror.

I say horror, but why should we be shocked, or even surprised? There are two certainties in life – taxation, and death. Next comes that near certainty – our FA Cup hopes will meet a disappointing end. It was ever thus. Until 1960 we had never beaten a League side since ‘League’ meant Leicester Fosse, and everyone was hoping for a home draw against Newton Heath. Since then we’ve only had a handful of Cup runs that threatened to put us in the hat with the big boys, some over a decade apart. In between there were an awful lot of early exits (some very early – remember Wisbech in the 1st qualifying round anyone?).

My point is that going out of the Cup in less than glorious style is for us, given our particularly long association with the competition, nearly as old and familiar as the Cup itself. Even in those years when we made it to the main draw, some of our defeats to League opposition were far from heroic. I still shudder to remember the pastings by Swindon and Cheltenham, and the flops against Plymouth and Wrexham in front of the Sky cameras. Others count as missed opportunities, like when we lost at Harry Redknapp’s Bournemouth in a replay after leading 2-0, or the day over 6,000 witnesses at Rockingham Road saw Shoey’s almighty clanger against the Cobblers.

At least in those years we got that far. My memory is stuffed with earlier traumas... Hinckley United, Stafford Rangers, HASTINGS! Even Cooper’s eventually unstoppable promotion team were derailed by Solihull in the qualifiers. All these defeats hurt, in fact during the long years when we were completely off the national FA Cup map, they hurt an awful lot because the Cup was the only way a club at our level ever attracted any wider interest, or even got its result on the radio.
And even in those days there was money to be made from a decent run, and as we were nearly always only a fortnight away from not being able to pay the players or heat the communal bath, that also mattered.

But unless time has healed the wounds I don’t recall there being such an outcry as following our defeat at the weekend, to a side only 7 places below us in the pyramid. Is this just another sign of the times - where once such things were accepted with a resigned shrug, now twitter bile is on line before the players have left the pitch (sometimes not just from Moses) and people rush to their keyboards to outdo each other in dramatic predictions of doom.

If we’d lost to Leatherhead I could understand it more, but when exactly did this motley crop of Poppies acquire the status of form horses or renowned cup fighters? I can’t imagine a team more ripe for a going over by motivated opposition than this lot, who manage to click - albeit modestly - about one game in four and the rest of the time are as disjointed as the pre-season scratch side they mostly remain.

So life must go on. Sutton Utd will have the televised clash that ITV are gagging to give them, and we’ll have many more disappointing days like this in the future.

Hopefully.

Who will rid me of this turbulent Alan Green?

2011-11-13T09:49:00.001Z

Alan Green. Loves Spain. Hates England.

As if the drive back from Sutton wasn't grim enough we had to sit through Alan Green's commentary of England against Spain. Alan, we all KNOW that the Spanish players are more technically skilled than ours, and we KNOW that their team is better than ours. But does it help anyone to hear you bleating about this for EVERY SECOND OF THE GAME? Listening to him whine on and on you were left wondering why any England team should be allowed on the same pitch as these Spanish demi-gods, except for asking for autographs.

He was ably supported by the equally grim Danny Mills, who spent half the time slagging off everything to do with English football, whilst touching himself up every time Iniesta as much as called for the ball. This was Danny Mills, the former Leeds, Charlton, Man City, and amazingly, England fullback, not the happy-go-lucky long-limbed forward who played at Rocky Road last season. Mills criticised everything to do with the English game from schools through to the national team. Apparently we do EVERYTHING wrong in this country. Curiously though, he didn't detail exactly how he tried to change this state of affairs whilst he was a top level player. He didn't tell us about how he took extra training to practice his first touch, or used only his weaker foot in private sessions, or did extra fitness work. I'll wager he knocked off at the end of a couple hours jogging in the morning and spent the rest of the day drinking, playing snooker, banging WAGS or getting tattooed, just like the players do now.

Danny Mills - not a big fan of Robbie Savage,
but would happily bend over for any member
of the current Spanish squad.

We all know that English football could be improved. Overall it would be better if all the money generated by the game wasn't pumped straight into the bank accounts of surly foreign multi-millionaires, and English players could actually control a ball. But I think Messrs Green and Mills overplayed their hand s omewhat. Particularly when they broke off from their unstinting praise of all things Spanish to mention that despite 97% possession they hadn't actually managed a shot in the first half! Oily little tykes fiddling and farting in midfield is all well and good, but in this country we also like to see the odd shot on goal (this goes doubly at Kettering!)

I don't think I've ever heard commentators get so peevish at an England goal as these guys did when Lampard scored what proved to be the winner. The upshot of their sniping was that they thought we supporters would be happier losing but having lots and lots of lovely possession, than winning. Proving once and for all that these guys really have no idea of what it is like to be a football supporter.

Still, it took my mind of the Poppies for a while, so at least the commentary served an inadvertently helpful purpose.

One season, one plughole.

2011-11-12T21:54:00.000Z

If we were to be honest, the team's
body language should have given us a clue
as to how things were likely to go

Forget for the moment our inability to beat a moderate lower league team today, or even really threaten to beat them. If you can. We were never going to win the FA Cup, and we're still a fair few goals ahead of Aston Villa in the all-time FA Cup scoring stakes.

The biggest fall out from today's capitulation at Sutton is that Imraan's mid season budget cut will hit us earlier, and harder than usual. However, unlike the last few seasons when Imraan pulled the plug, there are more issues now. For one we are only just above the relegation zone. There isn't room for many more bad days at the office. The season is ticking away and we aren't showing any signs of making inroads towards mid-table.

If Imraan manages to prise any of our thunderously under-performing "stars" out of their comfy contracts, will he look to fund Stimson's preferred replacements? Probably not if Non Park costs as much to run as we all fear. What then? A conveyor belt of disinterested loanees? Our oft-mooted youth players? Should we all take our boots with us?

And where is Imraan? Do we believe that he and Morrell, as well as his humourless attack-dog Lee Thorne are really all beavering away behind the scenes on "Project Non Park?" More likely that Imraan is up to his neck in a new venture (don't want to use the word "hobby") Morrell's probably selling dodgy time shares somewhere, and Thorne is no doubt grumbling down the phone to one of our dwindling group of sponsors.

Now watch as Sutton get a plum draw in the next round just to top things off.....

Poppies Banned!

2011-11-09T09:13:00.001Z

....from England shirts for this Saturday's humbling at the hands of Spain. FIFA have announced that the referee will be instructed to not begin the game should the England team take to the field with a Remembrance Poppy motif on their shirts.

The Toblerone Tomfoolery of 1498.
Ample proof of the pointlessness
of Switzerland

Sepp Blatter has personally announced, "Being from a country that has not known conflicts since the great Toblerone Tomfoolery of 1498, and the Cuckoo Clock Kerfuffle of 1522, I can't see what all the fuss is about."

"Are World Wars necessarily a bad thing? Provided you manage to hide your cowardly arse when the fighting is happening of course. The Swiss economy is built upon uncollected Nazi gold! However, I'm sure we would look more favourably upon their request if the English FA could find their way clear to financing a couple of my personal "projects" for the betterment of some losers somewhere", he added.

We have yet to hear whether Kettering Town will also be in potential trouble for wearing poppy emblems on their shirts ahead of their trip to Sutton this coming Saturday. News will be reported as we get it.

Olympic Committee taken to task by Corby

2011-11-08T19:26:00.001Z

The news that the Olympic Torch is due to visit several sites in the County has been greeted with joy by most inhabitants, but met with dismay by the Corby Olympic Deliverance Sub Committee, headed by Jock Caber-McJock.

"We're no happy that the torch is stopping anywhere in Northants other than Corby. If it only came here, we could have it for longer."

Jock added, "We've got a big swimming pool, a year old, big square building that only needs a wee bit of renovation, a handful of shops and half a new football ground being opened by one of the top 50 teams in the country - Rangers. Why would they want to take the torch anywhere else?"

"In fact, we're a bit miffed that the entire Olympics isn't being staged in Corby! We're not used to being denied anything! I mean, what does London have that we don't?

London City? We're appealing for City status!

Olympic Stadium? Rockingham Triangle!

Wembley Stadium? Steal Park!

Velodrome? Danesholme Cycle Lane!
Wembley Arena? Rangers Supporters Club!

Sailing Venue? Corby Boating Lake!

Canoe Centre? River Welland!

Accommodation for thousands of competitors and visitors? The new Premier Inn in Oakley!

Shooting at the Royal Artillery Barracks? A night out on the Exeter Estate!

Scotland's most attractive woman has
backed the Corby Olympic bid!

"There's still time to change the location before next summer! C'mon, we can do it if we all get behind the Corby bid!" added Mr Caber-McJock as the men with white coats inched forward.

Q - When is a stone wall red card only a yellow card?

2011-11-06T10:04:00.000Z

A- When the foul is committed by a player who doesn't play for Kettering.

"Take that you Poppies!"

Being Kettering fans we know a thing or two about red card offences.

Whilst we impatiently wait for our 10th red card this season, we all assumed we'd be able to enjoy seeing an opposition one for a change when one of our boys was chopped down by one of Southport's short-tempered thugs yesterday. As red cards go, it was one of the easier decisions for the reserve ref.

Lashing out and kicking a player into the air, off the ball is generally acknowledged as a stone wall red card - just ask Wayne Rooney. My assumption when seeing the yellow card brandished was that the newly appointed ref had simply not pocketed the red card before taking over - no other possible suggestion came to mind!

In fact a quick look at the legal definition of Common Assault would suggest that even a red card might not have been sufficient-

Common Assault, contrary to section 39 Criminal Justice Act 1988

9) An offence of common assault is committed when a person either assaults another person or commits a battery:

An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force. (Archbold 19-166 and 19-172)

A battery is committed when a person intentionally and recklessly applies unlawful force to another. (Archbold 19-166a and 19-174 to 19-175)

It won't get us a point for yesterday's efforts but at least it would be amusing to see their animal banged up for a few months!

True Heroes

2011-11-04T12:58:00.004Z

We hope the club do not make the mistake of last year and forget Remembrance Sunday. There surely can be no dispute about honouring men and women who have given their lives to give us liberty, and protect our country from real threats of occupation.

Whatever one thinks of our country's military actions abroad in the past decade where wars seem to be fought solely to ensure Uncle Sam can keep putting his foot on the gas pedal, a few moments silence to remember those who have fallen for us cannot be too much to ask.

Just this week the story of the WWII Operation Frankton (dramatised in 1955 as The Cockleshell Heroes) featured on television. What was not commonly known until this programme aired (at least to me) was that one of the men - Marine Bill Mills, hailed from Kettering.

Along with most of his comrades he perished during the operation, in his case by firing squad after capture. Bill and his colleagues performed the kind of heroics we can barely imagine in our modern age, when not being able to use your Blackberry for a couple of days constitutes a crisis, and sportsmen being paid a million quid a month are considered to be heroes.

It was desperately saddening to hear this story on Radio Northampton followed by news that a brave individual had climbed into the aviary at Wicksteed Park and mutilated a couple of parrots. The sick bastard. Are we so lacking in decency, and devoid of purpose that our society has fallen so far from the levels set by the example of Bill's generation? What a world!

Never Say Never!

2011-10-31T21:49:00.002Z

A father and son attending a football match isn't a particularly rare sight. Look around any ground and this familial partnership is the bedrock of football supporting. A club is handed down from father to son, to son. By the time the offspring has a chance to decide whether to support a football club it's too late, and they are well on their way to indoctrinating the next generation. All perfectly normal.

Unless, of course, you are talking about me and my father. We've done father and son things over the years, including playing cricket together for a few, cherished seasons. But, before last Saturday's FA Cup tie with Southend Manor, the entirety of our shared footballing experiences was the 1979 Trophy final! I am certain I have written of this before on this blog, but cannot for the life of me remember when. And as I'm in no particular mood to wade through the near 500 posts which make up this blog, I'll quickly run through the particulars of this solitary, less-than-cherished father and son footballing memory.

"Take a bloody good look!"

Briefly, my father decided we should go to the final on the coach departing the Alex, so, at the age of 12 I was enclosed and surrounded by noisy, aggressive drunks and pathetic tobacco addicts. A bit like visiting the sponsor's lounge. As we took our seats at Wembley I mentioned that we didn't pick up a programme on the way in. My father announced that he would find one for me, and off he went.

Well, he missed almost the entire game, but couldn't track down a programme for me. It always made me feel bad that he missed the match. Almost 30 years later I tracked down a copy of the match programme from that day on Ebay. When telling my father of this purchase we reminisced about the Stafford game, and I explained my guilt at him missing the match itself because of my desire for a programme. He seemed surprised at this confession, as he recalls that he deliberately repaired to the bar shortly after kick-off, with no intention of finding a programme, or watching the game! Thirty years of guilt, all for nothing! Bastard!

After a gap of just 32 years we decided to attend the Poppies FA Cup game together, obviously sandwiched between having a few lunchtime drinks, followed by a post match bevy and meal. It's always quite an education when you take a certified armchair football viewer through a real, live game. Explaining which of our players to look out for. Which ones to boo. Who have had previous contracts cancelled due to criminal convictions. Why we can't sit in the VP's area. Why there are no action replays! Why we can't score a hatful against a pub team?

What I couldn't get over however was the fact my bloody father knew more people at the game than I did! "There's old so-and-so, we used to play football together." "That's thingie, we used to open the batting together for E.N. Wrights". "Him and me played skittles...." etc. etc. Given the large number of years I have devoted to the Poppies without ever being on more than a nodding acquaintance with more than a handful of people, I found this f**king annoying!

I think he enjoyed the experience, albeit probably more the pre and post match bits. Doubtful whether he enjoyed it enough to attend another game in the next 32 years, but you never know!

Will play... number 78

2011-10-30T18:15:00.001Z

And so normal service has been resumed. After last season’s enforced sabbatical from the 1st Round Proper, it was good to watch today’s draw with more of an interest than hoping, out of sheer malice and petty spite, that Cobblers or Corby would get shafted.

I can’t remember when the early rounds of the Cup began to receive the televised treatment, but it’s not so long since the rattling of the balls was conducted on a Monday lunchtime, and in those years – all too infrequent – when our name was in the hat, the first news came via the stop press in the ET. What sad, unenlightened days before we could sit in our armchairs and enjoy the grimacing features of Jim Rosenthal, as he tees up the proceedings with the air of a creepy butler.

Nowadays they always dredge up a couple of ex players or celebrity guests to make the draw. Today the budget stretched as far as Keith Houchen and Matt Hanlon, whose phone will presumably keep ringing until another non leaguer knocks Sutton off their perch. Had things panned out differently in those last 4 minutes against Fulham, it could have been Westcarr standing there. As it was, our only mention was Hanlon declaring that Sutton would fancy their chances against us, which made me yell with indignation before I paused for a moment and realised he was right.

Before we got to that point there was the delicious agony of the draw, prolonged even further by there being 80 balls bobbling in that drum – 79 of them loaded with the full spectrum of human emotion from Gateshead away to Charlton or the smallest tiddler at home.

One of the iron rules of these occasions is that we are always among the last clubs to be drawn, to wring the maximum torture out of the situation. This time it again seemed to be heading that way, as the possibilities narrowed to best case, home to Plymouth, worst case, away to Plymouth. In the end we have something of a curate’s egg. Not a glamour tie or a money maker, but winnable if we can put out our best team (whatever that may be in two weeks time) and get a step closer to hitting the jackpot.

Johnson teeters on the brink

2011-10-26T22:45:00.001+01:00

With the Cobblers making another determined effort to join the ranks of the non league game one wonders for how much longer Gary Johnson has security of tenure in the home dug out at Sixfields. Given that his Chairman, David Cardoza's two main hobbies are known to be (a) dreaming of being in League One, and (b) handing out P45's to failing managers, it is surely only a matter of time until Radio Northampton's usual playlist is replaced by a stately selection of funereal tunes.

"And now, the end is near...."

Considering how successful Johnson has been at other clubs it is interesting to note how dismal his stints within our county have been. Even his time at other clubs close to Northamptonshire haven't been as successful as those with clubs further away.

My theory is that his time at Kettering was SO monstrously unsuccessful that it punched a hole in the space / time continuum and formed a fractured epicentre of failure around which the rest of his career has helplessly circled. When he is physically close to "Ground Zero" of his footballing nightmare (otherwise known as the Poppies) his career nosedives - Cobblers, Posh and Cambridge. The further away he is from the gates of the Holy City he suddenly becomes a footballing guru (Yeovil, Bristol City).

At least, I believe this is a reasonable summary of his managerial career to date. Checking his statistics with Wikipedia wasn't much use - it suggested he only presided over FIVE defeats at the Poppies! WTF! FIVE! He lost that many games PER WEEK!

The moral of the story is, that at soon as he gets the bullet at Northampton he should waste no time in forwarding his CV to Carlisle United, Berwick Rangers and Lands End Athletic.

Homeaway on the buses!

2011-10-25T21:43:00.000+01:00

'Er indoors coined the above word as a way of rationalising to herself playing "home" games in another town. She would be asked, "Ar, yoo 'um this Saturday?", and her reply would be, "Yes, we are homeaway", or "No, we are away", or even sometimes, "What's it to you?"

Consequently the words "home game" are rapidly falling into disuse, alongside, "Finishing with 11 men", "Thumping win" and "Full away end".

For last Saturday's homeaway game to Ebbsfleet me and the missus chose, by way of change, to travel over to Non Park via the Trust run bus from Rocky Road. We picked a good day, as this coincided with a Real Ale Festival, and the Tin Hat was quite lively before and after the game. At least it was for other people. Being a confirmed lager drinker I sense my attendance was barely tolerated. Is it my fault I don't want to sup raw sewerage from a half pint glass, with a look of superiority on my heavily bearded face?

If alcohol was meant to be opaque it wouldn't be served in clear glasses, would it?

Anyway, the atmosphere in the bar and on the double decker bus was boisterous and positive, as are all gatherings where Dave Singh is present! Before we set off I had a conversation with a guy called Stuart and we joked about who would be sent off today. No word of a lie, we both laughed that by process of elimination it must be Koo Boothe's turn! Absolutely true!

"Next stop, Legoland!"

The bus trip was a bit wobbly and bouncy. I'd quite forgotten how uncomfortable these big old double deckers could be. By way of compensation, from the top deck, you got to look into people's gardens and bedroom windows! Wa-hey! The good thing about going on the Trust Bus is that you are directed straight into the first car park, and not have to queue for the rear car park with the rest of the proles! (So far I've managed to insult all beer drinkers AND all Poppies fan! Impressive, eh?) After the game, at the appointed time the bus simply pulls out into the traffic, and we're on our way back. No-one messes with a double decker!

The Trust must be congratulated for laying on this service, which the club officials (assuming we have any) do not consider important enough to waste their time doing.....I'll certainly be using the Trust bus again, and if you can somehow close your eyes for the journey you can almost convince yourself that you've had a couple of pints in the social, entered our new, well appointed ground for 90 minutes of anger and disappointment, and then stepped back into the Tin Hat for a few more jars after the game!

Never A Dull Moment

2011-10-23T20:23:00.002+01:00

The spirit of Morell lives on in at least one respect – watching Kettering remains car crash TV. Take your eyes off the action for a moment and you risk missing another red card, kamikaze cock up or (on at least one occasion) a boy wonder crashing in a 25 yarder on his debut. Particularly good value for those who hold Nene Park season tickets, who have already seen more action than Rockingham Road witnessed in entire Peter Morris campaigns.

Take yesterday for example. A 2-2 draw that was a minor classic, as the latest ‘anyone who’s not suspended, crocked or excused games’ Poppy Select defied all that Ebbsfleet and Mr Merchant of Gravesend & Northfleet could throw at them to earn a moral victory.

But such is our catalogue of misfortune since moving to this accursed bit of reclaimed swamp/Indian burial ground, it just seemed that something bad was bound to happen after we’d used all our subs, possibly involving a double concussion that would reduce us to 8 men followed by Navarro impaling himself on a corner flag. Yet wait! Here was the player formerly known as Get Im Orf, transformed into a sleek (well, two short sizes smaller) marauding right back, who put in an impressive shift without once hopping over the wall for a quick visit to the snack bar. And young Dawkin from Norwich took the straw out of his mouth for long enough to dazzle us with his ability to run with the ball at speed and shoot on sight. It promises to be a great loan spell, apart from the cup tie he’s not allowed to play, the inevitable sending off and/or injury. In fact, that was it. Thanks for the memories!

But sooner or later we really must find a way to complete a match with the same number of players that started it. It’s a strange feeling to be following, statistically, the dirtiest team in senior football, especially when many of them have found ways to be dismissed that have left opponents both unscathed and bemused. Our new total of 9 reds puts us on course for a couple of dozen before the season is out – and that’s before we start racking them up in cup ties. There are teams in South America who would kill for a record like that, and I mean literally.

Even allowing for the modern tendency to flash red for offences that would once have earned a quiet word, this is something quite unusual. Until a few weeks ago I can’t recall us ever losing two players in a game, now it feels boringly familiar. You can’t help but wonder what fresh calamity is heading our way, what new rules we will infringe. Refusing to give up our seat to a pensioner? You’re off. Lapsed TV licence? Early bath. Taking a trolley into the handbasket queue? Three match ban. Quietly efficient, settled team? Don’t hold your breath.

Seeing Red

2011-10-20T16:30:00.000+01:00

As our EIGHTH player saw red this season, and trooped off the pitch not trying to make eye contact with the gaffer and contemplating a nice warm shower, we have to ask ourselves, "What's going on?"

Do we possess the dirtiest bunch of players ever to lace up gay-coloured football boots?
Is it always wrong for players to fight their teammates during the game?
How would the Leeds team of the early 70's or even Alty of the early 80's measure up if they were playing now (Clue - neither team would ever finish a game with a double-figure number of players on the pitch!)

It may seem obvious to say, but giving the opposition an extra man every game is not entirely conducive to winning football matches. In the six games so far where we've shot ourselves in the foot this season we have picked up just 2 points (averaging 0.33 point per game - stats fans!) Compare this to the whopping 1.18 points per game we have racked-up with a full compliment of Poppies stars on the turf, and the value of not seeing red becomes apparent.

But is the fault entirely that of the group of lazy / unfit /undisciplined (delete as appropriate) thugs we have in our employ? Probably yes, but anyone trawling over the officiating statistics found here -

http://guardian.touch-line.com/StatsCentre.asp?CTID=11&CPID=108&pStr=Comp_Referees&t=5

will spot that refs seem to like reaching for the red these days. We should invite Mr Amey to stand in the middle for all our games up to Christmas just to see if he will give us an easier ride, or see if we make a dent in his statistics.

Brave New Lawn?

2011-10-16T19:05:00.001+01:00

So now it’s back to back wins for a Poppies side we may tentatively, clutching that rabbit’s foot, crossing ourselves three times, describe as “improving”.

It was certainly a massive improvement on my last KTFC experience – the now legendary night by the Nene which ended with JP landing more blows on his strike partner than Audley Harrison has mustered in his last three bouts.

Both pugilists (© Chris Eubank) defied most post Hayes predictions by not only reappearing in a red shirt, but also appear to have declined the modest Sky purse on offer for a rematch.

Well done JP and Moses! Make them cough up more if it’s going to be on pay per view.

Forest Green are no worse a side than Hayes yet we managed to contain their rampaging goal threat rather better, adopting innovative strategies like being awake and talking to each other.

Also in evidence was the equally novel concept of defending being a team game. At one point Verma popped up to clear a corner with a thumping near post header, whereas a few weeks ago that same cross would have pinged around our box for 10 seconds before nestling in our net.

As for the fitness thing, that was maybe always more a case of lazy minds not lazy bodies but we did get through the whole 90 minutes without someone complaining of a stitch, so progress there too perhaps.

So, getting more organised at the back, better communication, body language no longer totally apathetic, no red cards, Cunnington starting to look the part. Possibly a few things there that suggest that the sloppy anarchy of the Maison period is starting to fade.

Assuming of course that it wasn’t just all down to the fact that we always win at the New Lawn. Even MM managed to claim all the points last season – a statistical quirk so unlikely, there must be some supernatural forces at work.

Rugby World Cup? What's that when it's at home?

2011-10-15T16:09:00.000+01:00

Apparently there has been a "Rugby World Cup" taking place in Mordor over the past several months. Long-time readers will recall that we don't have much of a regard for this so-called sport, so an interminable international competition featuring the cream of the world's peanut-huggers, including such powers as Georgia, Romania and The Grand Duchy of Fenwick was never going to get us jumping out of bed on an early Saturday morning.

At least the media aren't pretending that rugby will overtake the popularity of football as they were when England won the WC back in 2003. Back then the international football team was in one of its usual doldrums. The team were shite, the players were all obscenely over-payed, under performing prima-donnas, interested only in getting angry-looking tattoos and videoing themselves raping under-age girls.

Against this we had a well-behaved rugby union team fronted by the saintly figure of Johnny Wilkinson, winning a World Cup in a very gentlemanly way against the old antipodean enemy. The papers were quick to pronounce the death of football as our winter sport in favour of this egg-chasing, thigh-grabbing curiosity.

Rugby - all a bit queer!

Of course, it never actually happened. Those people who liked rugby continued to drink all game long, lose their trousers at the drop of a hat, and sing rude songs. And those who preferred a sport with a correctly shaped ball continued to pay through the nose to attend, were manhandled by stewards and police, and lied to by their club officials. Nothing changed. No one actually changed sports. Why would they?

And now, eight years later and our heroic amateur rugger-buggers have come full circle. Now they are the team playing dismally, and getting knocked out early. It's their manager being likened to a root vegetable. It's the beefy rugger-boys who are lazy, over-payed and spend their days getting tattooed from head to toe. They are the ones getting caught out by the press behaving, well, like a pissed-up touring rugby team! They are the ones being criticised by "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" for adding to the ongoing social malaise, and bringing down house prices.

And if these newly-minted rugger types are going to continue to ape their depraved footballing cousins and start leaking their lewd home-made sex videos onto the Internet can I put in an early vote for Mike Tindall to set-up the camcorder first...?

SuperAman!

2011-10-12T08:40:00.004+01:00

Verma - Midfielder of Steel

Good to see that Verma responded in the right way to our previous "encouragement". Even then, he used his much fabled invisibility to ghost into the box and score the winner. Super effort, and, now that we know that PATGOD has an undue influence on our management and playing staff we need to make the following statements: -

We demand that Walker keeps clean sheets.
The defence must play as a unit.
The midfield must play box to box, supporting the attack and guarding the defence.
Cunnington must stop getting petty yellow cards.
JP and Ashikodi must kiss and make up. On the pitch. In front of everyone.
Stimson must wave when asked to do so. He might as well do it now, because who knows when he'll stopped being asked?

Oh, and if possible, we'd like the bars to be open too!

Five Alive!

2011-10-10T22:46:00.000+01:00

Magic number, my arse!

Fingers crossed that tomorrow's home fixture with Braintree sees us break our less than enviable home midweek fixture record for this season.

So far we have let in five goals against York, Hayes & Yeading, and even a Tottenham XI in the three times we have called upon the Non Park floodlights. Curiously, each thumping reverse was presided over by a different Manager.

Surely even our leaky defence can't keep this bizarre record going.....?

Moses - a parting of the ways?

2011-10-09T22:58:00.001+01:00

Just in case Moses achieves his heart's desire and gets a move to one of the dozens and dozens of clubs who want to have problems with him in a month or two, here are the all-important Ashikodi stats -

Just shy of a hundred career appearances in eight years.
Strike rate, about one goal in every four games.
In just over thirty games for us he has had "issues" with Francis Green, Lee Harper, JP and Adam Cunnington.
Twitter messages posted, saying he wants to leave a club that paid him for doing nothing last season - 376.
Penalties missed for the Poppies - three.
Punches thrown in a Poppies shirt - none.
Punches received in a Poppies shirt - five.

However, I may not be the most dispassionate observer of Moses's career as he cost me a bundle by nodding in Dempster's goal bound effort in the Cup win at Hartlepool. I had a bet on JD scoring the first goal at odds well over 40/1! After that, nothing short of him winning the league for us single-handed would have placated me - sorry!

The Invisible Aman

2011-10-09T13:31:00.000+01:00

"The Invisible Aman" A pun we're so
pleased with, we've used it twice!

In many ways Aman Verma was the archetypal Morrell signing.

Exotic of name and background.
Looked very tricksy in pre-season.
Praised in the press beyond all reason by the boss.
Completely ineffective in competitive football.
Soon out injured.
Makes the odd, limping appearance.

At Alfreton yesterday Verma was sacrificed at half time when we had been reduced to 10 men in favour of Taft (finally getting a go at Centre Back!) and we actually played better without him on the pitch. All he offered in a first half where Alfreton could have run riot, was a bit of ineffective midfield tippy-tapping and half-hearted tracking back. With him taking a barely earned or needed half-time shower, our 10 men coped far better with the home side.

It remains a mystery how he avoided the transfer list splurge, along with other of Morrell's wasters. All we can think is that it was either because he was hidden away in the treatment room on the day that Stimson drew his list up, or he is so incredibly unremarkable that he truly has become invisible.

AAAAH! Almost Forgot! Sense of Humour found at NP!

2011-10-05T14:41:00.000+01:00

One for the Shaolin!

Whoops, in the excitement of only losing by a single goal at home, we almost forgot to mention the high point of our latest defeat at Fortress Non Park. Some people might think the best things so far about our life in exile has been the Chinese / Italian cuisine (can't say - haven't tried them). Or the new shirts, which to be honest look quite good, and we know from our players that they come in larger sizes (haven't bought one). Or the 21st Century toilet facilities, where, curiously we went from 19th Century facilities at Rocky Road (the scary toilet at the corner of Britannia Road and Cowper Street could easily be older) to 21st Century ones at Non Park, completely missing out the 20th Century completely!

For me the best experience of our new lives in a new Borough came 5 minutes before the kick-off against Kiddy last Saturday. Given that our previous game had ended in a full-on bout of fisticuffs between our main strikers, I've got to say whoever thought of spinning "The Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III on our new turntable has the kind of sense of humour much admired at PATGOD!

Of course, this was immediately ruined by the choice of former Direone song "Hey Ho Silver Lining" (Note to Club - remove instantly and burn) and whatever dirge it is we have to suffer through when the teams are about to kick off. You know the one. Part "Fanfare for the Common Man", part Funeral March and part Albanian National Anthem, and totally awful. Another one for the fire.

Demonising Alfreton!

2011-10-03T22:09:00.001+01:00

"Just another 30 laps", encourages Stimson

This Saturday's game away to Alfreton is shaping up to be painfully important for both teams, who are comfortably resting in the relegation zone. We almost managed to get through two whole sentences without resorting to the phrase "6-pointer". But the honest truth is, whoever loses this weekend will be deeply in the mire.

Although as a club we have nothing against Alfreton, it is important that our players, in those few spare minutes between intensive fitness sessions this week, get fired-up for the task ahead. PATGOD are more than happy to help out with gee-ing up the lads, and the best way of doing this is to thoroughly unjustifiably persecute our neighbours from Derbyshire.

To that end, we need our players to know that their players spilled their pint, and eyed their missus up. And called them a poof too, probably.

Now, go get them!

Not Fit (Enough) To Wear The Shirt

2011-10-02T18:43:00.002+01:00

So now it’s official, there are only three problems with the current squad:

1. They aren’t fit enough
2. They aren’t good enough
3. They don’t care

Just fix those and we’ll be flying!

It’s generally agreed that the rot began in pre-season, described by David Bridges as like a “holiday camp” after being beasted up the Stevenage sand dunes twice a day by Westley.

Actually, having just rechecked the quote, he said it WAS a holiday camp. The boys spent the mornings lying by the pool or enjoying a gentle stroll, before Camp Leader Morell upped the tempo with a game of five a side bingo.

Players were recruited on the strength of a short video of ball juggling or possession of a sufficiently exotic name. Meanwhile, those with knowledge of the fitness levels required at this level must have been bound and gagged, judging by the results.

However some of these players now have 10 to 12 games under their belt so they ought to be catching up. Instead we’re still starting games like we’re half asleep and gifting opposition strikers time and space to pick their spot. So it’s not just physical fitness with a lot of this bunch. Our results won’t automatically improve if they eat more greens and knock out a few more laps of the training pitch.

Maybe Stimson has hit it on the head – some of them, maybe most, are mentally weak. Morell told them they were great and would take the league by storm. They weren’t expecting to be booed off the pitch several times in the first month. That wasn’t in the script at all and these fancy dans, used to looking good at a lower level, haven’t the appetite to scrap for every ball, deny space and generally make the other side at least break sweat before it’s game over.

The mind goes back to 1992, when at a similar stage of the season a new manager – Graham Carr – inherited a load of dross and wasted no time in bringing in players who maybe weren’t the prettiest but he knew he could rely upon. Oh for a Graham Reed now – in fact, anyone got his number?

Like then, we do at least have a bit of time (the one silver lining of ditching MM so soon) and in Stimson, like Carr, we have a manager with a decent CV at this level. Sort this mess out and it will be an even better one.

Sobering Thought of the Day Part Two

2011-10-01T21:32:00.001+01:00

Our current run of "home" form has amassed us the grand total of 4 points in 7 games, whilst our last 7 games at Non Park as the away team garnered us 8 points.

Expect more of this sort of annoying trivia in the coming months as I no longer have Doctor Who to keep me occupied on a Saturday evening (and unlike certain other members of my houshold, I'm not sad enough to let Strictly or X Factor snag my attention.)

Sobering thought for the day

2011-10-01T13:11:00.000+01:00

"Howay and shite!"

12 games into the season and we've already shipped 24 goals.

Over the course of the 1993-4 season we let in 24 GOALS IN THE ENTIRE SEASON! We let just 10 goals in away from home - a record surely? We can easily ship that many at Non Park these days in a week.

To match the efforts of Graham Carr's dour stoppers we need to keep 34 consecutive clean sheets. A tall order, but who knows? Keep out Kiddy today and we're on our way!

Poppies mid-season crisis brought forward!

2011-09-30T15:37:00.003+01:00

Bolstered by the slicker, more professional surroundings of Non Park, the Poppies have risen to the challenge and impressively managed to instigate our annual winter financial meltdown before the end of September. No need to wait until we are dumped out of both the Trophy and the FA Cup before hitting the panic button, we can now do it pretty much before the overseas touring cricket team have picked up their duty free purchases at Heathrow.

Compared to other online Poppies forums and fanzines, PATGOD has always cut Imraan a reasonable amount of slack. He has funded us pretty much from his own pocket, and DRC's petty cash for the past half decade. We have all enjoyed some unprecedented highs together. Promotion. A couple of incredible FA Cup runs. The sight of Nathan Koo Boothe in a Poppies shirt. All great memories.

I guess others also see the positive in Imraan's tenure, over the less savoury aspects. It certainly seemed that way during the Wicksteed meeting in the summer when he got his overwhelming mandate to send us into exile in Irthlingborough. Although most of that meeting has thankfully mellowed into a befuddled past, certain facts and figures remain seared into my memory.

Imraan suggested that the annual figure of running the club (£750,000) was only partly alleviated by all of us going to watch the games (£150,000). The balance was filled by himself, his family and other sponsors. One of the proposed benefits of abandoning Rocky Road was the seeming financial bounty to be harvested from Non Park's facilities. This, presumably would be used to make up part of the shortfall between what we pay, and the cost of running the club.

It was also suggested by Imraan that he would need to look to rebrand the club if attendances slipped below the 1000 mark for a prolonged period. Some people grumbled a bit, but the majority were content. We could russle up a thousand people surely, if this kept Imraan happy? A vote was taken and 107% of the audience gave "Project Inbred" the thumbs-up.

We were marched out of the pavilion thinking all was well in the world. Sure we were voting to abandon our home ground and indeed hometown in order to squat at the abandoned home of our most fearsome rivals who we hated above all else - but otherwise things were tickety-boo.

Now, what if Imraan had said pretty much all the above, but, dropped into the proceedings the little nugget that in order to prevent a financial meltdown before the start of October we would need a minimum average gate of say 2500 or 3000? Because it sure seems the numbers we are getting at the moment aren't up to expectation. Are we all supposed to buy Chinese meals before and after the game, and collect a take-away home too in order to bring the sufficient readies in?

Would we have all voted for the move we were told we needed to double our gates? Would anyone? I doubt it as we all know those sorts of numbers are pie in the sky. Would we now still be playing in Kettering? Probably. It wouldn't have sorted a long term future for us, but can we honestly say that our future looks any more secure now?

Losing Ugly

2011-09-29T22:44:00.002+01:00

Marcus Law, what a bum. Inherits a team that’s forgotten how to score and steers them to mid table with some encouraging performances.

Not good enough. Off you go.

Wicksteed Park. New dawn. New manager. On my life it won’t be Morell Maison.

One week later, MM back in charge. “Everybody deserves a second chance”.

Pre-season, we look good against League players disinclined to tackle, and struggle against non-League players who compete.

Nothing to worry about, this squad is dynamite.

Although they look like they spent the summer eating pies or sunbathing.

First game, cup tie atmosphere, we sneak a late win. Against opposition now even lower in the table than we are.

Seven games, bubble burst, leaking goals, MM steps down.

Twelve games, still shit. Ripped apart by teams low on confidence and points.

Punch up between strikers destined to be a minor Youtube classic.

Majority of squad on transfer list.

Bookies stopped taking odds on a home defeat.

And it’s still September.

Kettering - Porn Capital of the UK!

2011-09-29T19:19:00.000+01:00

The embarrassing news has reached us that the void left by the Poppies in Kettering is to be filled by the ridiculous "sport" of beach volleyball. The build-up to next year's Olympics is set to receive a boost by having fit birds wearing very little, jumping around in a sand pit in the car park of the Leisure Village. The reporter on Look East seemed to find it enormously amusing that a town so far from their precious Norfolk coast could possibly have a heap of sand dropped off there. He couldn't resist taking off his shoes and rolling up his trouser legs in order to frolic on the sand - the twat.

As much as we applaud the idea of hotties writhing around on a beach for our viewing pleasure, we can't in all honesty even try to pretend beach volleyball is a real sport. One is still left with the inescapable conclusion that most people watching the event don't know about the scoring system, or the fact that points are being scored at all. It would ruin their enjoyment.

BV as an Olympic event guaranteed to make my better half see red. As a netball player she cannot fathom how her real sport isn't part of the Olympiad, whilst Lycra-clad softcore porn is.....Perhaps the netball ladies should aim to dress more like this......

Beach Volleyball - porn for cowards?

TEAM MARNA V TEAM MOSES

2011-09-27T22:49:00.001+01:00

As our season disintegrates faster than a £5.00 3-piece suit, we supporters can only shake our heads in wonder at the shower of shite we are being forced to endure. We can't defend, attack, and the less said about our midfield the better. No leadership. No (footballing) passion. No heart. Did someone suggest that our move to Non Park may be cursed?

And now we have two of our forwards scrapping with each other and both getting straight red cards. F*cking idiots! As if enough things weren't going on our way, we've now taken to shooting ourselves in the foot too.

Who was to blame? Moses for acting like a kid when he decided he was our penalty taker? Marna for finally deciding to show some passion this season with his fists rather than his feet? Davis for not being an effective captain? Stimson for not getting any discipline in the team? Morrell for everything else?

If we don't sort things out soon the threat of relegation in front of barely attended games will become a real possibility. How will Imraan choose between his two favourites? Which way will Stimson go? Will the fight make it on to You Tube?

Rather guiltily, I found myself slightly surprised and even a little thrilled with how JP gave supposed hardman Moses a bit of a pasting.... Is this right, and was I alone in this?

TEAM MARNA

Likes using the right hook, and scoring penalties

TEAM MOSES

Likes missing penalties and rushing down the
tunnel to hide from a mild-mannered Frenchman

Poppies face "Perfect Storm"

2011-09-27T09:29:00.000+01:00

As with the characters in the 2000 film, "Perfect Storm", starring pretty-faced George Clooney, and potato-faced Mark Wahlberg, the Poppies could tonight be facing an equally destructive coming together of negative forces. In the film, a combination of swells, storm fronts and various other meteorological shenanigans conspired to engulf the intrepid, if facially mis-matched fisherman, and send them down to Davy's Jones's locker. Apologies for ruining the ending of the film, but, hey, it's been out almost a dozen years now. If you were going to see it, you would have done so by now!

In our case, the "Perfect Storm" has nothing to do with water (phew, the Nene won't engulf us all. Well, at least not tonight). Our "PS" has a combination of factors from a far wider spectrum.

Number One - We're having to travel to Non Park

Regardless of the pros and cons about squatting at Non Park, it is still a distance to travel to watch a supposed home game. And remember, we are still talking about Kettering fans, who still like to pop their heads out of the front door at 7.25PM to see if it's raining, and see if they fancy popping out.

Number Two - A Tuesday Night Fixture!

Whether it's due to travelling midweek, being scared of the dark or simply not wanting to put themselves through watching the Poppies twice in quick succession, Tuesday night attendances are always noticeably down on Saturday attendances.

Number Three - It's Hayes & Yeading!

Arguably, along with Frickley Athletic and Borehamwood, H&Y are the most anonymous, nothing team to have existed. They have the marquee value of brussel sprouts. Their own supporters voted them the 5th most pointless team in the history of football.

Number Four - It's Champion's League Night!

Everyone's favourite Champion's League Final Losers, Man Ure are playing a pointless early round robin game in the latest big stakes gambling forum for Russian Oligarchs, Mad Arabs and other assorted mega-rich gangster types. For some unfathomable reason, the average Sky punter can't get enough of this sort of guff, and it always affects our gates. Add to this, we now have a second Manchester club, obscenely bloated with dodgy money, playing on the same night, and the armchair footie fan can positively drown himself in a pool of expensive pointlessness.

Number Five - No Trust Bus

It may not dent the crowd much, but the inability to drag over from Kettering the real ale, Alexandra Arms brigade will certainly hit bar takings.

Number Six - the Infamous Burton Fire

The endless damping-down of the suspicious fire in Burton has led to the closure of the A6. Given the fact that no right minded inhabitant of our fair town should have any idea of how to get to Non Park any other way, this means we could ALL miss the game! I'm sure there are other byways, footpaths and dirt tracks in East Northants that can funnel us all through their bumpkin patch to the ground, but it does seem like awfully hard work doesn't it?

"The Nene can get mighty rough...."

What now for the Poppies Trust?

2011-09-23T12:18:00.000+01:00

It would be unfair to say that yesterday evening's Trust AGM was a complete farce. At no point did a vicar unexpectedly arrive whilst the Brian Rix's trousers were temporarily absent, and a saucy French maid was being hidden in a wardrobe. But, for a while it seemed the AGM would not take place through simple lack of numbers.

Given that the adult Trust membership is close to the 250 mark, you would have been forgiven for believing that a minimum starting number of 20 should be a push over. But no. In the end it was the usual collection of the board and a handful of regular members who made up the gathering. Curiously all those who swarmed up to the EGM at the Tin Hat Lounge a few months ago demanding the Trust do this or do that were absent on the night of their own AGM. Those people who a few months ago were demanding that the Trust either wholeheartedly support the move to Non Park, and those equally demanding that the Trust set up a new club just for them all found themselves with something better to do on a mild Thursday night in September. Those who endlessly complain and moan about everything the Trust do all missed their opportunity to put their money where their mouths were. As usual.

Eventually a quorum was assembled and the meeting began. Actually as AGM's go, this was a pretty good one. People asked pertinent questions, and the top table had some interesting statistics to tell, mainly about their continued running of the Tinhat Lounge and buses over to Non Park on matchdays. Suggestions about maintaining a presence within the town were put. Some board members stepped down, whilst others were elected.

It became clear that with our first team games now taking place at "Project Nonce-Park", the major income stream of the bar at Rockingham Road would no longer be generating much in the way of funds. With an additional drop off in Club200 membership the Trust is going to have to look long and hard at their future direction, and allocate resources accordingly.

Hopefully gone are the days of Imraan sticking out his hand to the Trust halfway through the season for top-ups. Particularly as we now have ample facilities for generating income streams at our new ground (Imraan's words at Wicksteed Park). On that fateful night at Wickies it was made painfully clear to the supporters how little our gate receipts counted towards the overall running costs of KTFC. Consequently one hopes that the contribution made by the Trust would also be considered too trifling for Imraan's people to demand. Assuming of course, Imraan has any people left to administer such things!

I, for one, hope the Trust take this opportunity to distance themselves from the goings-on at "Project In-bred." Instead it might be a more beneficial idea to concentrate on serving the forgotten Kettering community. Perhaps look to permanently house their large Poppies memorabilia collection? Support the reserves/youth/ladies football at Rocky Road? Stage events and evenings at the Tinhat Lounge (until the end of next year at least!)

Let Imraan and his big-boy, business contacts (ie Morrell) sort out and finance "Project Cyclops". Let the takings from their Chinese restaurant fund Morrell's misfits over the course of their twenty year deals. Let the 10 or 15 quid the halftime draw will generatre now there is no cash prize, buy-out Koo Boothe's contract. Free the Trust to take care of the Kettering based Poppies supporters, and keep a few bob in their bank account in case it can help when the next rainy day hits us.

And Banya Must Score....

2011-09-22T20:18:00.000+01:00

You may have heard that Fernando Torres missed an easy chance last Sunday. I think the BBC led with it on that night’s news, and if Torres were to seek refuge in the Amazon jungle he’d probably have an uncomfortable feeling that the natives were nudging each other.

Ok, so he’ll be disappointed with that, as Alan Shearer almost certainly said, but on a scale of 0 to 10, it only rated 6.7 compared to Sam Banya’s magnificent miss in our colours – a luminous balls-up that was cruelly denied immortality by the absence of TV cameras. One day there will be no one left alive to tell the tale, so it must be passed down the generations.

October 1999, our 4th qualifying round replay against Rothwell was in the closing minutes and we held a slender lead. Suddenly Rothwell were caught on the break, the keeper was outmanoeuvred and the ball was squared to Sam, three feet out in front of an open goal. He only had to make contact to put the tie beyond doubt. He made contact all right, but rather than into the unguarded net the ball skewed back over his head in a defensive clearance so brilliant, it merited an international call up.

Moments later the game was over so Sam’s miss didn’t change the outcome, but despite that it remains more memorable than all bar about three of the Poppies goals I’ve ever seen. Only perhaps Rocky Baptiste’s fantastic tap-in-that-went-out-for-a-throw outpoints it, and that doesn’t really count because it was for Havant & Waterlooville.

Amazingly, Sam didn’t retire immediately after the match. In fact he is still terrorising defences for Woodbridge Town 12 years later. It’s a measure of how desperate and/or amnesiac some fans are that for years after Sam moved on from Rockingham Road, his name would occasionally be floated as a remedy to our striking problems. Clearly by someone who wasn’t there that night against the Bones.

We know you can never beat a team who has just dumped a Manager....

2011-09-20T16:31:00.001+01:00

....but does this extend to the Chariman too?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/14979772.stm

I guess we'll find out later tonight!

Addition - Yep, it does!

Groundhog Non-Park

2011-09-17T21:19:00.000+01:00

"If I had any hair it would be in real
danger about now...."

Our first chance today to see the new-look Poppies of the Stimson era, and, er, can't say that there was much obviously different between this fare and that dished up by the barely lamented Morrell Maison. Sure, the new boss is having to work with the increasingly poor-looking squad assembled under Maison's brief tenure. That said, could you make out any differences, performance-wise from our under-achieving squad? Most of whom, based on what we have seen so far, will be lucky to be in gainful Poppies employment come the next transfer window.

We're still attempting to play three up front, with our most dangerous strikers, JP and Moses playing so wide that we might as well hand each of them a flag, and save money on employing linesmen.

We also seem incapable of putting a midfield on the park which can either supplement the strikers, OR help the defenders! Where are they, and what are they doing all game long? Answers on a postcard....

At the back we are, with the exception of Jifel, still unable to defend against even the most modest of oppositions. The recent selection of PATGOD'S favourite ever CB, NKB further adds to the overall feeling that Maison is still in charge.

If the new Gaffer doesn't want to enjoy the shortest ever honeymoon period there are five things he needs to do, pretty damn quick.

1 Pick who he believes are our TWO best strikers and play them TOGETHER.
2 Get the players a lot fitter - QUICKLY
3 Sort the midfield out. As it stands we might just a well string four of the dummies from the club shop along the halfway line and trust to luck that the ball might deflect off them into the path of another player.
4 Sack, loan out, ignore, sell (!) or just plain forget about picking NKB EVER AGAIN! He's not a footballer, and picking him can seriously damage a footballer manager's reputation.
5 Get the team to eke out some results in the next few weeks or we could be in some serious do-do.

And you thought your hardest job was going to keep Imraan out of the dressing room!

Former Boss Law leads new charges at Rockingham Road

2011-09-17T13:48:00.000+01:00

Keep it tight!

100% effort!

C'mon, concentrate!

Christie, get in the box!

Fall over Koo-Boothe!

Get me this week's penalty!

Hold on.....where the f*ck is everyone?

No Quarter Given by Cooper last night at JP's Testimonial

2011-09-08T12:58:00.000+01:00

"Yes JP, I know it's your special day. Yes I know you've been a great servant to the Club.
And yes, I know you've scored a couple of great goals. But I've finally got the opportunity
to manage a team with half a dozen central defenders on the pitch and no pesky forwards,
SO DO ONE!"

Mark Cooper doesn't exactly enter into the friendly spirit of JP's testimonial.

We come to bury Maison, not to praise him.

2011-09-06T22:38:00.001+01:00

By voluntarily relinquishing the Manager's job at the Poppies Morrell has managed to eek a smidgen of decorum out of this whole, sorry situation. Everyone from Imraan down must have known the Morrell wasn't up to the job when the appointment was made - ably borne out by his 7-match tenure.

But what possessed Imraan to employ him in the first place? Friendship for one we suspect. It's not everyone who gets sacked and subsequently re-employed twice! Perhaps like the rest of us, Imraan hoped that Morrell's preferred football style, allied to Nicky Eaden's steadiness would give us the best of all worlds. Smooth, slick passing Morrell football when moving forward, grounded by a sure Eaden defence when under pressure. A sound enough theory, which was soon unceremoniously put to the sword by gleeful opponents.

At Conference North level Morrell's teams played with a dominant swagger. Teams were routinely played off the park. The supporters of Clitheroe still shiver at the mention of the Poppies! Why was Morrell so good then and so bad now? Well, back in the Conference North days he had by far the highest budget in the division, was in charge of the only full-time team, and yet, still couldn't win the league. His expensively assembled side more often than not played plenty of pretty football, but too often failed to actually defeat far inferior sides. They played with a puffed-up swagger, but little heart. Good when the pitches were dry and the weather warm when you could stroke the ball around with your shirt untucked, but missing when it was time to roll the sleeves up on a midweek trip up t'north in January.

It became clear then, and clearer since, that Morrell's teams have little in the way of work ethic. Even though his Conference North team were the only full-time team in that division they never once appeared fitter than the collections of postmen and publicans who made up our various opponents. This season the team has looked sluggish and at times downright unfit. One senses that not much hard work goes on in a Morrell training session. Or discussion of tactics. Or formations. We heard a quote from David Bridges that moving from Stevenage to Kettering was like going from a army camp to a holiday camp. Looking at where Stevenage are in the footballing world and where we are, I'm not convinced being in a holiday camp is such a good thing. We're paying these guys good money, we want them to work hard!

His biggest supporters will always cling to the accepted position that Morrell is a good spotter of talent. This may or may not be the case. In his first stint he brought in the likes of Westcarr, Boucard and Howe, but did these appointments need a keen, talent-spotters eye, of just Imraan's chequebook? Westcarr and Boucard were acknowledged talents going seriously off the boil, whilst Howe was scoring for fun at Bedford. All were obvious and available at the right money.

And, for every quality player he brought in, he bought in some real dross. Patrick Peter anyone? Or pick any of the several tricky but useless wingers he tried out, or perhaps the defensive linchpins of McKie and Koo Boothe. Neither of whom are ever going to become footballers at any level where jumpers aren't used for goalposts. Their continued selection back in 2006 effectively kept us down in Conference North.

And what talent has he unearthed for the 2011 vintage? For every Jifil there's a Pifil. We've managed to lose fighting midfielders like Challinor and Solkhon for anonymous shirt fillers like Meechan, and a succession of unfit loanees. And then there is Navarro, who might have looked OK had he joined us from Matlock rather than Madrid! And Nathan was back again!

Far too many times Morrell plumped for the same type of player. Flashy but empty. Good at juggling the ball or backheels, but not so hot at tracking back. Often it seemed Morrell chose ethnic diversity and tricky names for the tannoy announcer ahead of boring journeyman who could simply do the required job.

Morrell's successor has a big job in front of him to lick our flabby under-performers into shape. It might be too much to hope for another Cooper or Law to get Imraan's "You're Hired", but the next man in the Poppies hot seat may need to ruffle a few feathers and put a few noses out of joint to get us to be competitive in this division. Some of our players won't like hearing a few home truths, and some will soon be deemed surplus to requirements. No doubt they'll take solace by bleating on Twitter as they are shunted out....

This first, historic season of squatting at Non Park was always going to be interesting. Now it is likely to become even more so.

Here We Go Again!

2011-09-05T16:36:00.001+01:00

With today's announcement of the sacking/resignations of our Managerial Triumvirate of Maison, Eaden and Ashby, Imraan again must scour the length and breadth of his phonebook contacts to give us a manager to take us to the next level, i.e. staying in the Blue Square Premier!

We at PATGOD live only to serve, so if it is of any help to Imraan may we humbly suggest that our next Manager has: -

The MARQUEE value of GAZZA!

The NO NONSENSE approach of KEVIN WILSON!

The WINNING MENTALITY of MARK COOPER!

The TRAINING ETHIC of GRAHAM WESTLEY!
The, er....MANLY STUBBLE of LEE HARPER!

The FLEETING PROMISE of MARCUS LAW!

The CONFERENCE NORTH ATTACKING QUALITIES of MORRELL MAISON!

"Is that your phone ringing, or mine....?"

A pretty tall order for any Chariman, but particularly so for Imraan as he scrolls through his contacts and Justin Edinburgh is the only football manager in there he hasn't previously dispensed with!

A Pox on You, George Taft!

2011-09-05T11:45:00.000+01:00

Of all the elements of Project Non Park which are crumbling before our eyes, from Morrell's lack of footballing acumen through to the club shop not accepting those pesky new fangled things called credit cards, it was interesting on Saturday how much terrace-venom was being reserved for George Taft and his long throws!

People close to me were screaming themselves into a purple-faced, spittle-fest. They were baying for him not to take the throws, or throw it short, or just basically never pollute their footballing enjoyment with his presence ever again! This was perhaps fair enough during the first half when Moses and JP were routinely being out jumped by the Fleetwood defence, but less so during the second half when we had Cunnington's big blonde bonce to aim for! But no, the terrace moaners absolutely did not want him to hurl the ball into the dangerous area around the 6-yard box. They would much rather we fiddled and farted with a short throw, which would have bobbled off Sol's ankles, and soon had our flagging back four trailing in the wake of their strikers as they broke down field again.

Taft lines up another throw, trying his best to
ignore the increasingly ugly Poppies crowd!

Taft's throws may not be as dangerous as Rory Delap's exocets, but they are a damn sight better than Big X's tame floaters (!) which we watched harmlessly drifting into goalkeepers hands for more than a season. And yet, no-one ever screamed for X to stop taking these harmless back pass throws. A couple of games of Taft's weird spinning throws and we are ready to rip his arms off if he ever does it again!

One thing that was plainly obvious to us, and several hundred Cambridge fans last week, was the fact that more often than not both George's feet were on the pitch as he let the ball go. How the linesman has failed to spot these obvious transgressions is beyond us. Except, of course, we are talking about non-league linesmen, so it shouldn't be too much of a mystery.

Cod Almighty!

2011-09-03T21:23:00.002+01:00

The good news is, according to Morell after the game, we’ll be more than competitive once 6 players return from injury (I think it was 6, by the end of the interview it might have been 9).

The bad news is, even if he’s right, that means the squad he’s assembled is carrying a high number of duds, unable to fill in and ‘do a job’. Or should that be Ifill in?

Today he no doubt sent the boys out with plenty of fine talk about building on Monday’s defensive performance and keeping it tight. Well they managed that for nearly a minute, until Fleetwood’s first attack. I cannot remember a worst opening 45 from a Poppies team - certainly not one boasting an ex Real Madrid player, who on this evidence looked unlikely to shift too many replica shirts. We were disjointed, dejected, a bunch of triallists masquerading as a team. If it wasn’t just so easy and the Codmen had been more ruthless, we might have seen discounted season tickets flung at the home dugout.

Our second half rally gave MM enough to talk another good game and argue that with more of his first choices available, it will be a different story. But the more he banged on about that, the more it exposed the dross he has signed to make up the numbers.

Time is already running out for Maison. No matter what his commercial connections may be, will they outweigh the cost of ever increasing gaps in the stands and terrace?

Morrell on Radio Northampton

2011-09-03T18:00:00.000+01:00

"Nothing to do with me Guv!"

Ah, a Morrell interview. Let's play "Maison-Bingo"

Players out injured - check

When we get all the players back, we will be a match for anyone - check

Somehow the opposition score first, but it's nothing to do with me - check

Whatever happened first half is nothing to do with me - check

The fightback was entirely down to my managerial brilliance - check

100% certain we will be OK once everyone is back - check

5, 6, 7, 8, 9.....etc certain starters ready to come in. Then we'll be flying - check

We're just a little bit short - check

We will be fine - check

FULL HOUSE! But not for much longer, eh?

Curiously there was no mention of his lack of ideas, motivation, tactics or heart then?

Project Non Park Hits the Buffers

2011-09-03T17:48:00.000+01:00

No matter the upbeat spin Morrell comes out with after our latest defeat, he must be starting to feel the heat. Yes, the team produced a bit of a fightback in the second half. Yes, we have injuries in the squad. Yes, players take time to gel. Yes, Cunnington's blend of obstinate bumping around and blonde highlights helped raise the interest.

But the bottom line is he is the Manager of a team in freefall, well ensconced within the relegation zone, playing rather one-dimensional football, and no amount of bubbly positive guff from the gaffer will be able to disguise this. I guess we will soon find out if Morrell's mooted influence behind the scenes at Non Park is true or not. We will soon see if his supposed selling of a handful of corporate boxes is sufficient to keep him as Manager of the football team. Certainly on the evidence so far, his footballing prowess certainly won't keep him within the ranks of the gainfully employed for much longer. Even the much vaunted Morrell style of playing has evaporated into a bit of uninspired kick and rush.

Seven games into the season and the ground is echoing to chants demanding Morrell's removal. This is without precedent for the Poppies. It took several weeks of Peter Morris losing grimness for the most moderate of anti-managerial reaction. Even Gary Johnson's months and months of 10-0 defeats barely raised a terrace grumble. But with Morrell, his head is being demanded with September only 3 days old.

We just wish he was half as good a Manager as he thinks he is - we'd be play-off material!

There goes another transfer window!

2011-09-01T11:21:00.001+01:00

Phew! After all the panic surrounding the closure of the transfer window last night, it's time to pick through the dust and debris and see where it leaves the relegation-threatened Poppies. Still relegation threatened by the look of it!

The good news is that we haven't resigned former Morrell favourites Moses Ukelele, Paris Okay, Marcel McVities or Serge Make-f*ck-up. One can only assume they've changed their mobile phone numbers since Morrell last spoke to them, or they are not all registered with the same agent we seem to use these days....

The good news is that we have encouraged some players to put pen to paper. Obviously they are an ethnically diverse bunch with equally exotic names such as Jean-Sylvain Dossou and Ibra Sekajja, as well as old friend of PATGOD and opposition strikers, Nathan Koo Boothe.

We assume Dossou is the same player who froze on the halfway line against Cambridge last week and generally spent his time on the pitch looking like a crying-rabbit caught in the headlights of an onrushing lorry? This doesn't exactly tally with his description on the Official Conference Website which refers to him as "a tough-tackling midfielder....."

Two of the other substitutes from Monday have also signed on - Oliver Jones and Robbie Dance. Can't see them getting much of a run out with such bland, distinctly non-ethnic names, but time, and our increasing injury list will tell.

On the subject on transfers and injuries it was curious to see everyone's favourite German- Canadian England International Owen Hargreaves move across the city of Manchester yesterday after passing a medical! This guy has spent the past three years barely able to pass water! What the hell passes for a medical in Manchester these days if he could pass it? Obviously his shattered limbs and rampant bed sores were not taken into account! The good news for him is that by moving only a few miles he could retain his usual room at the local hospital!

Thanks Morrell!

2011-08-28T19:44:00.001+01:00

Our underwhelming start to the season has led to PATGOD removing the previous header photograph with a beaming Manager, just in case Imraan acts quickly and renders it terribly out of date.

September?

August

The More Things Change.....Part Three

2011-08-25T16:16:00.000+01:00

In retrospect, Jon Challinor's departure to York was always on the cards: -

No place at KTFC for honest pro's when
you can fill a team with prancing show ponies

JC gave far too close to 100% every game for Morrell's liking
He had the temerity to not be signed by Morrell himself
He played with passion
He was annoyed when we lost
There was more to his game than simply being able to juggle a ball during warm-up

Morrell's right to allow him to be snatched away. Who needs a player like that? Not us, obviously!