Reporting back for pre-season

You'll be pleased to know that PATGOD has reported back for a thorough pre-season work out ahead of 2026-27 term.  We've summered well.  A few mental pounds might need to be shed before our sarcasm and cynicism are match fit, but we're confident we'll find our footing again. We've also reached certain age milestones that we needn't go into too much, except to say, had W**** T******** kept his mouth shut would have resulted in discounted admission prices at the Latimer Park turnstiles.

The World Cup is now safely in our rearview mirror and the club's new, impressive Fan Zone will be given over to us miserable sods again.  A World Cup where Thomas Tuchel's team took a similarly unsuccessful leaf from the Poppies end of season safety-first playbook.  Get an early goal?  That'll do.  Warm up the defenders on the bench and tell the reserve forwards to hit the showers.  Hopefully, with our pre-season striking acquisitions our ambitions may stretch beyond hitting the ball in Panter's general direction, then sit back and hope he beats 3-men and scores.

It's been a strange Poppies summer.  The club has been actively coveted by a former player with money to burn, while at the same time our current owner has presided over one of our better pre-season recruitment drives.  Got to say, I know nothing about most of the players we've signed, but the fact we're going into our friendlies fielding our own players rather than the usual conveyor belt of trialist "talent" can only be a good thing.

This season Liam has a team HE has put together to attempt his tilt at the title.  Assuming of course he is around to shepherd his new charges and not sitting out a ban for historic online activities (that sounds far more suspect than I intended).

For George's sake, we need to hit the ground running.  A stumbling start on or off the pitch may see the pressure for regime change rekindled after such talk had abated during the World Cup.  He first needs to get the clubs comms running properly.  Sorting our hideously out of date website should be an easy start.  How hard is it to update the playing staff to include our new signings?  I was temporarily excited to see that George Forsyth had come back....

Also, perhaps ensure the Twitter and other accounts aren't accessible by people fired up by too much time / alcohol / grievance.  Some of our posts last season were bizarre at best and inexcusable at worst.  Either re-jig the accounts so previous password holders can't access them, or remember to log out of the club accounts when indulging in personal score settling.  Either way - sort it!

Oh, and if we can keep the cheap, tacky and largely inaccurate AI-generated slop to a bare minimum - that would be much appreciated!

With pre-season in full swing, the NN15 / NN16
hosepipe ban couldn't have come at a worse time.

So far, so so......

A couple of months ago we expertly evaluated who we wouldn't have minded seeing being retained from last season's squad for the forthcoming run to play-off misery.  Our list was - 

White or Alexander

Andoh / Coyle / Mensah

Fatadjo / York / Williams (?)

Panter / Jeche

With yesterday's announcements of the departures of York and Andoh we are desperate to hear about Williams as we look to achieve a barely acceptable 50% correct guess rate.  I wouldn't be surprised to hear either Andoh or York (or both) signing for Alvechurch who seem to be building a bewilderingly good squad of players who are presumably stoked to play in front of 200 people on a sloping field in the middle of nowhere.  

Personally I'm going to miss Wes the most.  In his couple of seasons here he never really locked down his place in the team.  His two problems being that the various bosses always put their latest signings in front of him and his incredible versatility making him a perfect candidate for the bench, knowing he could fill in anywhere on the pitch.  But even more I'm going to miss his happy face and cheerful disposition - and have we ever had a player who knew literally every opposition player and official? 

Andoh is another big loss.  He is a young, strong, skilful player who is only going to get better.  Alas, not in Poppies red.

I can't really blame Jeche for looking for a game somewhere.  We had so many fixtures last season when we needed two up top only for Liam to bottle it, and timidly assume Panter would do it all.  So much so that even after two thirds of a season we still weren't sure about Jeche!

Mensah has plumped for a fat payday to slice clearances in front of 150 Peterborough Sports dickheads, so f*ck him.

Not sure about Alexander's plans, but as long as he doesn't stray too far from his telephone for when we need him, all will be good.

We've signed a couple of players to plug the gaps but I think the on-pitch news is going to trail a LONG WAY behind the potential off-field shenanigans.  So, nothing new there..... 

All the best in the future, Wes!

Just another psychodrama

Relax, it’s only June. Nothing to see here folks. Enjoy your summer.

Wouldn’t it be nice to imagine a world in which that was true? Just a few weeks ago we walked away from the last campaign feeling on the whole pretty good about the direction the club was heading, and maybe even daring to think that a nice quiet close season of planning and strengthening could be in store. Ah when will we ever learn? This is Kettering Town. We don’t do quiet close seasons. 

Instead we lose our collective shit almost from the day the last season ends. Who’s being retained? Why has player X moved to Y? Why no new signings yet – come on, it’s the 3rd of May! Then for extra spice add in a juicy leak about takeover talks that quickly goes public in a very orchestrated way, setting off what has felt like an election campaign - that like all good election campaigns quickly resulted in rival camps trading accusations, threats and even hints of dirty tricks. 

Meanwhile we have the little matter of our manager seemingly facing a lengthy FA ban yet serenely fronting up for a club interview full of very aspirational talk of the season ahead, one which he may well be viewing from a distance. Unlike most of his predecessors in living memory, no one but no one wants to see Liam go – but it’s rather hard to see how he escapes a heavy sanction for betting on his own team to lose, no matter how long ago. Either he can disprove it, or he’s toast. 

So it you were a player contemplating your next move, where would you go? Kettering? Great club at this level, passionate fans but so and so says he’s owed wages, the manager might be off, the chairman seems to have a lot of people on his back and anyway here’s Peterborough Sports offering me an extra £200 a week to ignore their mickey mouse set up. 

Oh and I’ve just seen on X that the club seems to be posting some barmy shit then claiming they’ve been hacked and don’t know how to reset a password. 

It’s only June, sure, but can we take much more of this? 

In an ideal world everyone would take a step back, chill a bit, remember that we ultimately all want the same thing which is a successful KTFC and take it from there. Maybe Brad and George meet halfway and there’s an amicable transition with George still involved. Liam somehow beats the rap and takes us to the next level. Fake Bedford’s crypto billions crash and whoever is sponsoring Peterborough Sports realises there are better ways to torch money. And maybe throw in world peace while we're at it. 

Meanwhile enjoy your summer. It’s a World Cup year, so what can go wrong. 

We'll keep running versions of this photograph
until someone laughs

Interesting times. As ever.

I'm sure I'm not alone in remembering a time when owners of Kettering Town FC couldn't sell on the club for love nor money.  Well, money anyway.  We all recall cheesy Imraan's cheesy photograph of him cheesily waving the keys to Nonce Park on the back page of the ET, saying, "Come buy my stake in literally nothing".  Or the seeming ages it took for Ritchie to extricate himself from the club after making it clear he wanted out.

Now it would appear we have at least two interested parties vying to nail down the best parking spot at Latimer Park, get their mug in the programme and glad-hand opposition club officials on a Saturday.

In the Red corner we have George and his family.  On the positive side, other than getting us back into the National League you can't argue with their impact at the club.  Two pretty successful seasons.  Gates averaging over 4-figures.  THAT day at Sixfields.  Some seriously buzzing weekends.  In the "Negative" column, George seems to have fallen out with a lot of our volunteers and doesn't take perceived criticism well.  And let's not talk about punting the Concession Season Ticket price several years down the road.....

In the Other Red corner there's blast-from-the-past Brad Piercewright with his sudden wealth and even more sudden need to take over the club and spend us into the League.

In an ideal world (i.e. outside of the madness of football) our two suitors would find a way to work together for the betterment of the club.  Put aside personal ambition to achieve greatness together.  But such is the intoxication of football club ownership even at our lowly level, and the buzz and glamour that comes with it, that I doubt an accommodation can be made.  No, instead I'm sure we'll soon see a splintered fanbase taking pot-shots at each other yet again as the two combatants slug it out for the enormous prize of being slagged-off on KTFC Chat after 4.45PM every Saturday.

George and Brad in happier days

FIFTEEN YEARS! Jeez.....

This round of end-of-season games flashed up on social media recently.  I always have a quick look to see in which of a half dozen divisions we might have been playing at the time.  On this occasion I noted that we were spending one of our last (probably ever) seasons suping at the top tier of non-league football.  Then I noted the fixture - the last Saturday of the season and a home win over Southport.  And the year - 2011 and it dawned on me that this was the game after which nothing was ever the same again.

Within a couple of months of this fixture we'd left Rockingham Road forever.  Southport were briefly relegated.  The Direones Mk I had gone bust and we were measuring-up for curtains down at Nonce Park.

We finished the game against Southport with, if memory serves, a couple of late goals to send them down and then probably clapped the players off before retiring to the bar to have a few drinks and reflect on a reasonable season in the top flight of Non-League football.  We probably discussed which players Marcus Law might like to retain for the following season.  It'd be great if we could secure the services of on-loan Danny Mills wouldn't it?  Was Adan Cunnington quite up to this level?  Would Ian Roper be able to shave a pound or two off from his cuddly-frame in the close season?  

We'd have pondered who would be our whipping boys away from home now Southport were heading to the punishment of the cold gulag that was Blue Square North.  And we no doubt pondered what hair-brained schemes our increasingly erratic owner might come up with and gave a little chuckle before heading home to catch up with Dr Who and Strictly (at least some things don't change) and a take away meal from one of the numerous outlets on Rockingham Road.  Not a single one of us had an inkling what was coming next.  Was that better than knowing?  I still can't say for sure.

Time marches on.  15 years have passed since then.  We've been ensconced at Latimer Park for over a dozen years now and for a lot of our fans this is all they've ever known.  Think about it.  Very few of our fans under the age of, say, 25, would have ever even seen a Kettering team run out at a ground in Kettering.  They wouldn't have experienced the sights, the sounds, the smells of Rockingham Road.  Or breathed in the pungent atmosphere made up of equal parts cigarette smoke, embrocation and bovril.  

Recently I found myself sufficiently close to our old ground to summon up the nerve to walk up through the houses that now cover our old patch.  Thankfully nothing remains to pull on the heartstrings.  Just a number of small, very closely built, hideously expensive houses on an unexpectedly steep hill.  And then, just when I thought I'd safely negotiated this minefield, I came out onto Cowper Street and the familiarity of the row of houses there plunged me into a feeling of utter sadness.  

Looking directly at these houses a completely irrational fragment of my lizard-mind absolutely KNEW that if I simply turned 180 degrees that Rockingham Road would somehow still be there.  Would that it was....

To directly quote 80's big-hated Reggae popsters, Aswad -

"Don't Turn Around"

That was the season that was

In the end the season finished with a whimper.  Apart from a barely five minute spell after Eddie scored, we didn't really threaten our hosts.  Just for a moment we looked like we might rediscover the attacking verve that has propelled us into the play-off shake-up.  But no.  Dollar-Soaked FC scored a third and that was that.  Of the three money-bloated tiny teams in the division, one won the league and the other two will be playing the play-off final.  All very predictable and horribly dispiriting.  

The whimper-finish to the season was by no means entirely Liam's fault, but in the final analysis he was the person who dictated that during the last month of the season we adopt such a negative method of play.  Wingers were despatched to the substitute bench.  Seven defenders packed the middle of the park and Eddie was given lofted punts to try to feed off.  We definitely adopted a safety first, second and third approach with a view to hopefully pinching something in the last twenty minutes.  It was almost as if the management had forgotten that we had only got as far as the play-offs because we'd put it all out there and gone for it over the second half of the season.  We seemed to have got scared that we'd squander our play-off place if we'd continued to attack the opposition.  A shame as those fans who swelled out gates towards the end of the season saw only subdued April-Poppies and not the swashbuckling March-Poppies who blitzed their way up the league table in the first place.  Are they likely to return in such numbers next season to watch us try to bore our way to the odd win?  Doubtful.

Post season, minds turn to the playing staff and who we'd like to keep.  As much as I'd like to keep a large number of the players I fear another Poppies post-season bloodbath.  With a mixture of ending contracts and disappearing loan players I feel the Poppies team that takes to the baked, cracked Latimer Park pitch this coming August will bear little resemblance to the one that trudged off the field at Bedford.

As for last seasons players, these are my thoughts, and my guesses as to loanees and contracts....

I would gladly keep either of the goalkeepers we had this season.  I assume White was on a year's contract, so he'll be a free agent.  I was never sure of Alexander's status.  It seems he lives in a bit of a twilight area where he's always at the end of a phone to answer our emergency call.

In defence loanees Mensah and Coyle will be heading back to Bedford Town.  I'd have them both back here in a shot should we get the chance.  I assume Peters is on contract for next season - why would he come here so late in the season else?   He looks useful but I need more of a look to come to a firm decision.  Issacson falls into the same category.  I wouldn't be disappointed to see him back, but if we lost him I'd survive.  Andoh went from looking like the weak link in our defence to an occasional world-beater.  Definitely worth another punt.  I'd have no issue with seeing Rowe, one of Liam's early acquisitions, again next season, but, sorry, but Forsyth's tenure must surely be over - he can't really nail a place in either defence or midfield.  And then there's Glennon.  Is he our player or not?  I vote "not."

In midfield Van Lier will be heading back to Inbred Central (aka Kings Lynn).  I'm not sure I'd fight too hard to get him back.  Same with Bitemo returning to Hereford.  I doubt we'll see him again.  Had some good games but if he never pulled on a Poppies shirt again would I lose any sleep?  I'm guessing Fatadjo is at the end if his contact.  Good player and Liam seems to like him.  But is he worth his presumably large wedge.  Don't know?  I'd keep him but somehow doubt we will.  Thanoj is unlikely to return for the new season.  This won't bother many people (particularly my other half) but I often see more in his play than others and has been one of his biggest defenders.  Even so I think his Poppies race is run....Another contract presumably now run it's course is York's.  I love what Wes brings to the team but it's obvious Liam doesn't, so it's farewell to Wes.  Of the two Kai's I can't see Fifield returning.  Skillful as the day is long, but lacking fitness and heart.  Williams has been under-used but I'd like to see him come back as he is the type of direct winger the opposition defenders hate.  Lewis, curiously, faded this season as our results improved.  Back next year?  Not really fussed either way.  Nor is he I suspect.

Upfront I think Jeche is worth persevering with.  He desperately needs more game time but is a handful whenever given the chance.  Panter's retention is the the proverbial "no brainer".  Horrible nasty little shit on the pitch he may be, but he's OUR horrible, nast little shit, and our season would have been a far drabber affair without him.  If Powell can't find his way back from Alvechurch I won't be fussed.  The saving on his wages will be more welcome than him.  Shame really as he was, for a short time, as good as we've had in years.

Let's play a game.  

Players from this Season I wouldn't mind seeing return for 2026-27.

White or Alexander (sorry, really can't split them!)

Andoh / Coyle / Mensah

Fatadjo / York / Williams

Panter / Jeche

Players from this Season that Liam will probably retain for 2026-27.

Panter

Eddie can look forward to single-handedly
carrying the Poppies again in 2026-27

(c) Shorty

Play-Offs Again Ole Ole, indeed.

Well, we did it.  Play-Offs Again Ole Ole, indeed.

Given our previous play-off record I can't say I'm enormously hopeful, but, given how this season was looking to pan out just a couple of months ago, I'm seeing this as a bonus play-off.  A free-hit at promotion.

For months the 4th and 5th spot in the league was being tussled over by the likes of Redditch, Worcester, Needham Market, Quorn and Halesowen.  Even unfancied sides like Stratford and Leiston briefly threw their hats into the ring as the season rushed towards the vinegar stroke.  No one outside of the NN15 postal code area was even considering the run Liam was coaxing out of his charges at Latimer Park.  And yet, here we are.  We overhauled all the clubs in the division except the three cash-soaked minnows who have unashamedly over-spent their way to the summit of the Southern League.

At least 600 of us will be at the game tonight cheering our lads on.  Assuming, of course, we can get into the ground at Real Bedford past their rather lengthy list of checks and other hurdles.  The usual list of banned items was augmented by the curiously vague and utterly open to misuse by their no-doubt barely-trained stewards - "Any item deemed unsafe by Matchday Staff".  And that's if we manage to get past the body search and attention of sniffer dogs (not a joke).

What happens if one of their Matchday Staff takes against non London-overspill accents, singing or the colour red?  NONE of us might get into the game!

The most cursory look at the attendances Real Bedford have managed to "achieve" this season tells you all you need to know about the hobby-nature of this club.  Their two 1000+ attendances were, unsurprisingly against us and Halesowen.  Other than that their next biggest gate was smaller than our smallest gate this season.  At time of writing they are still advertising 200 remaining tickets for tonight - the biggest game in their history.

I appreciate crowds don't really count for much at this level when club owners are prepared to open their chequebooks and that we have no more right to gain promotion just because more people watch us.  But, look at it from the point of view of the National League structure.  They've already had to admit Harborough with their leisure centre facility and 300 fans.  Now they might be letting in another team with the proverbial "rope around the field" and even less fans (they barely scraped 250 half a dozen times during their greatest ever season).  How does it look for a League looking to improve and show how important it is when tiny, cash-bloated non-entities are the new model for success?

Good luck to the team tonight.  Remember, you're not just doing it for yourselves and us, your doing it for all the divisions above us who might have to watch this ridiculous club claw it's way up into the League by dint of bored billionaires playing silly-buggers.

Why can't the Vinklevoss Twins stick to
baseball or basketball or funding nutty-Presidential candidates
like they're supposed to?