The Cup That Jeers

We’re out of the Cup. Again. This is getting to be an annual event!

I wasn’t at Sutton. It clashed with a long standing trip that I booked and paid for months ago, before the fixtures came out. I now realise this is what’s known as dodging a bullet, because rather than having to witness our exit in person, I was insulated by distance and even the expletive-loaded texts of my reporter on the scene spared me the full horror.

I say horror, but why should we be shocked, or even surprised? There are two certainties in life – taxation, and death. Next comes that near certainty – our FA Cup hopes will meet a disappointing end. It was ever thus. Until 1960 we had never beaten a League side since ‘League’ meant Leicester Fosse, and everyone was hoping for a home draw against Newton Heath. Since then we’ve only had a handful of Cup runs that threatened to put us in the hat with the big boys, some over a decade apart. In between there were an awful lot of early exits (some very early – remember Wisbech in the 1st qualifying round anyone?).

My point is that going out of the Cup in less than glorious style is for us, given our particularly long association with the competition, nearly as old and familiar as the Cup itself. Even in those years when we made it to the main draw, some of our defeats to League opposition were far from heroic. I still shudder to remember the pastings by Swindon and Cheltenham, and the flops against Plymouth and Wrexham in front of the Sky cameras. Others count as missed opportunities, like when we lost at Harry Redknapp’s Bournemouth in a replay after leading 2-0, or the day over 6,000 witnesses at Rockingham Road saw Shoey’s almighty clanger against the Cobblers.

At least in those years we got that far. My memory is stuffed with earlier traumas... Hinckley United, Stafford Rangers, HASTINGS! Even Cooper’s eventually unstoppable promotion team were derailed by Solihull in the qualifiers. All these defeats hurt, in fact during the long years when we were completely off the national FA Cup map, they hurt an awful lot because the Cup was the only way a club at our level ever attracted any wider interest, or even got its result on the radio.
And even in those days there was money to be made from a decent run, and as we were nearly always only a fortnight away from not being able to pay the players or heat the communal bath, that also mattered.

But unless time has healed the wounds I don’t recall there being such an outcry as following our defeat at the weekend, to a side only 7 places below us in the pyramid. Is this just another sign of the times - where once such things were accepted with a resigned shrug, now twitter bile is on line before the players have left the pitch (sometimes not just from Moses) and people rush to their keyboards to outdo each other in dramatic predictions of doom.

If we’d lost to Leatherhead I could understand it more, but when exactly did this motley crop of Poppies acquire the status of form horses or renowned cup fighters? I can’t imagine a team more ripe for a going over by motivated opposition than this lot, who manage to click - albeit modestly - about one game in four and the rest of the time are as disjointed as the pre-season scratch side they mostly remain.

So life must go on. Sutton Utd will have the televised clash that ITV are gagging to give them, and we’ll have many more disappointing days like this in the future.

Hopefully.

Who will rid me of this turbulent Alan Green?



Alan Green.  Loves Spain.  Hates England.



As if the drive back from Sutton wasn't grim enough we had to sit through Alan Green's commentary of England against Spain. Alan, we all KNOW that the Spanish players are more technically skilled than ours, and we KNOW that their team is better than ours.  But does it help anyone to hear you bleating about this for EVERY SECOND OF THE GAME?  Listening to him whine on and on you were left wondering why any England team should be allowed on the same pitch as these Spanish demi-gods, except for asking for autographs.



He was ably supported by the equally grim Danny Mills, who spent half the time slagging off everything to do with English football, whilst touching himself up every time Iniesta as much as called for the ball.  This was Danny Mills, the former Leeds, Charlton, Man City, and amazingly, England fullback, not the happy-go-lucky long-limbed forward who played at Rocky Road last season.  Mills criticised everything to do with the English game from schools through to the national team.  Apparently we do EVERYTHING wrong in this country.  Curiously though, he didn't detail exactly how he tried to change this state of affairs whilst he was a top level player.  He didn't tell us about how he took extra training to practice his first touch, or used only his weaker foot in private sessions, or did extra fitness work.  I'll wager he knocked off at the end of a couple hours jogging in the morning and spent the rest of the day drinking, playing snooker, banging WAGS or getting tattooed, just like the players do now.





Danny Mills - not a big fan of Robbie Savage,
but would happily bend over for any member
of the current Spanish squad.



We all know that English football could be improved.  Overall it would be better if all the money generated by the game wasn't pumped straight into the bank accounts of surly foreign multi-millionaires, and English players could actually control a ball.  But I think Messrs Green and Mills overplayed their hand s omewhat.  Particularly when they broke off from their unstinting praise of all things Spanish to mention that despite 97% possession they hadn't actually managed a shot in the first half!  Oily little tykes fiddling and farting in midfield is all well and good, but in this country we also like to see the odd shot on goal (this goes doubly at Kettering!)

I don't think I've ever heard commentators get so peevish at an England goal as these guys did when Lampard scored what proved to be the winner.  The upshot of their sniping was that they thought we supporters would be happier losing but having lots and lots of lovely possession, than winning.  Proving once and for all that these guys really have no idea of what it is like to be a football supporter.

Still, it took my mind of the Poppies for a while, so at least the commentary served an inadvertently helpful purpose.

One season, one plughole.

If we were to be honest, the team's
body language should have given us a clue
as to how things were likely to go

Forget for the moment our inability to beat a moderate lower league team today, or even really threaten to beat them.  If you can.  We were never going to win the FA Cup, and we're still a fair few goals ahead of Aston Villa in the all-time FA Cup scoring stakes.

The biggest fall out from today's capitulation at Sutton is that Imraan's mid season budget cut will hit us earlier, and harder than usual.  However, unlike the last few seasons when Imraan pulled the plug, there are more issues now.  For one we are only just above the relegation zone.  There isn't room for many more bad days at the office.  The season is ticking away and we aren't showing any signs of making inroads towards mid-table.

If Imraan manages to prise any of our thunderously under-performing "stars" out of their comfy contracts, will he look to fund Stimson's preferred replacements?  Probably not if Non Park costs as much to run as we all fear.  What then?  A conveyor belt of disinterested loanees?  Our oft-mooted youth players?  Should we all take our boots with us?

And where is Imraan?  Do we believe that he and Morrell, as well as his humourless attack-dog Lee Thorne are really all beavering away behind the scenes on "Project Non Park?"  More likely that Imraan is up to his neck in a new venture (don't want to use the word "hobby")  Morrell's probably selling dodgy time shares somewhere, and Thorne is no doubt grumbling down the phone to one of our dwindling group of sponsors. 

Now watch as Sutton get a plum draw in the next round just to top things off.....

Poppies Banned!

....from England shirts for this Saturday's humbling at the hands of Spain.  FIFA have announced that the referee will be instructed to not begin the game should the England team take to the field with a Remembrance Poppy motif on their shirts. 

The Toblerone Tomfoolery of 1498. 
Ample proof of the pointlessness
of Switzerland

Sepp Blatter has personally announced, "Being from a country that has not known conflicts since the great Toblerone Tomfoolery of 1498, and the Cuckoo Clock Kerfuffle of 1522, I can't see what all the fuss is about."

"Are World Wars necessarily a bad thing?  Provided you manage to hide your cowardly arse when the fighting is happening of course.  The Swiss economy is built upon uncollected Nazi gold!  However, I'm sure we would look more favourably upon their request if the English FA could find their way clear to financing a couple of my personal "projects" for the betterment of some losers somewhere", he added.



We have yet to hear whether Kettering Town will also be in potential trouble for wearing poppy emblems on their shirts ahead of their trip to Sutton this coming Saturday.  News will be reported as we get it.

Olympic Committee taken to task by Corby

The news that the Olympic Torch is due to visit several sites in the County has been greeted with joy by most inhabitants, but met with dismay by the Corby Olympic Deliverance Sub Committee, headed by Jock Caber-McJock.

"We're no happy that the torch is stopping anywhere in Northants other than Corby.  If it only came here, we could have it for longer."

Jock added, "We've got a big swimming pool, a year old, big square building that only needs a wee bit of renovation, a handful of shops and half a new football ground being opened by one of the top 50 teams in the country - Rangers.  Why would they want to take the torch anywhere else?"

"In fact, we're a bit miffed that the entire Olympics isn't being staged in Corby!  We're not used to being denied anything!  I mean, what does London have that we don't?
 

London City?  We're appealing for City status!

Olympic Stadium?  Rockingham Triangle!

Wembley Stadium?  Steal Park!

Velodrome?  Danesholme Cycle Lane!
Wembley Arena?  Rangers Supporters Club!

Sailing Venue?  Corby Boating Lake!

Canoe Centre?  River Welland!

Accommodation for thousands of competitors and visitors? The new Premier Inn in Oakley!

Shooting at the Royal Artillery Barracks?  A night out on the Exeter Estate!



Scotland's most attractive woman has
backed the Corby Olympic bid!



"There's still time to change the location before next summer!  C'mon, we can do it if we all get behind the Corby bid!" added Mr Caber-McJock as the men with white coats inched forward.

Q - When is a stone wall red card only a yellow card?

A- When the foul is committed by a player who doesn't play for Kettering.


"Take that you Poppies!"



Being Kettering fans we know a thing or two about red card offences.

Whilst we impatiently wait for our 10th red card this season, we all assumed we'd be able to enjoy seeing an opposition one for a change when one of our boys was chopped down by one of Southport's short-tempered thugs yesterday.  As red cards go, it was one of the easier decisions for the reserve ref.

Lashing out and kicking a player into the air, off the ball is generally acknowledged as a stone wall red card - just ask Wayne Rooney.  My assumption when seeing the yellow card brandished was that the newly appointed ref had simply not pocketed the red card before taking over - no other possible suggestion came to mind!

In fact a quick look at the legal definition of Common Assault would suggest that even a red card might not have been sufficient-

Common Assault, contrary to section 39 Criminal Justice Act 1988



9) An offence of common assault is committed when a person either assaults another person or commits a battery:

An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force. (Archbold 19-166 and 19-172)
 
A battery is committed when a person intentionally and recklessly applies unlawful force to another. (Archbold 19-166a and 19-174 to 19-175)
 
 
 
It won't get us a point for yesterday's efforts but at least it would be amusing to see their animal banged up for a few months!

True Heroes

We hope the club do not make the mistake of last year and forget Remembrance Sunday.  There surely can be no dispute about honouring men and women who have given their lives to give us liberty, and protect our country from real threats of occupation. 

Whatever one thinks of our country's military actions abroad in the past decade where wars seem to be fought solely to ensure Uncle Sam can keep putting his foot on the gas pedal, a few moments silence to remember those who have fallen for us cannot be too much to ask.

Just this week the story of the WWII Operation Frankton (dramatised in 1955 as The Cockleshell Heroes) featured on television.  What was not commonly known until this programme aired (at least to me) was that  one of the men - Marine Bill Mills, hailed from Kettering. 

Along with most of his comrades he perished during the operation, in his case by firing squad after capture.  Bill and his colleagues performed the kind of heroics we can barely imagine in our modern age, when not being able to use your Blackberry for a couple of days constitutes a crisis, and sportsmen being paid a million quid a month are considered to be heroes.

It was desperately saddening to hear this story on Radio Northampton followed by news that a brave individual had climbed into the aviary at Wicksteed Park and mutilated a couple of parrots.  The sick bastard.  Are we so lacking in decency, and devoid of purpose that our society has fallen so far from the levels set by the example of Bill's generation?  What a world!