Five Things You See on TV Football You REALLY Don't Have To Copy

Just because we see bigger fans of bigger clubs doing dumb stuff when we see them on the telly we don't have to ape them like simple-minded buffoons.

(1)  Drums.  Don't.  Just don't.  You won't be able to play it properly.  Everyone will think you are a dick.  And when your team is four down at half time you're going to feel disinclined to use your drum and can't exactly hide it away.  Don't do it.

(2)  Watching the game with no top on.  Admittedly this was more of a fad a few years ago when the ugliest gut-buckets (usually from Newcastle) commemorated the coldest Tuesday evening of the season to peel off their ultra-tight replica top and give us all a good look at yards of blubber and a fistful of ugly tats.

(3)  Throwing stuff on the pitch.  Another blast from the past that seems to be enjoying an unwelcome resurgence.  Even at our lowly level.  For years we didn't see this sort of thing on the telly, except when we saw a bit of religious fundamentalism from north of the border.  Suddenly throwing stuff at opposition players has become popular again.  Players don't always help by running over to the opposition fans every time they score and then collapsing to the ground, stone dead when an empty plastic bottle almost hits them.  Showing the usual, stupid mentality of top-level supporters they have chosen to dust off this particular hooligan trope at a time when every game is covered by a thousand cameras.  

(4)  Running on the pitch.  Other than celebrating winning the League your average fan should NEVER run onto the pitch.  Forget about being thrown out or being banned - that pales into insignificance when balanced against who dumb you look, lumbering around on a slippery surface like an out-of-condition walrus.  Those players you slag off are half your age and weight and are wearing the correct footwear.  You are a middle-aged tubby wearing non-grip trainers and haven't run since leaving school when Thatcher was still Prime Minister.  Have a word with yourself.

(5) Waving a cardboard sign asking for a player's shirt.  Tacky beyond all measure.  If you want a shirt, visit the club shop and badger your parent.  And, assuming Jack Grealish picks you out and gives you his shirt what exactly will you do with it.  By the following Tuesday it will be screwed-up and forgotten at the bottom of the wash basket.  And do you REALLY think the Poppies have enough shirts to waste one on you no matter how much you bellow lager-flavoured spittle at Jordan Crawford on the final whistle?