James Alexander Gordon Bennett

God knows the last few years have been tough. Brexit. Trump. Covid. Ukraine. At times it has seemed never ending, but through it all there were things to cling to for comfort.

And then the BBC announces the end of the classified football results on Sports Report and you think, is nothing sacred?  

Five o’clock is usually just about when you reach the car or coach after the match. Whatever the mood,  no one talks when the ‘pa rum de pum de pum de pum’ strikes up, followed by a holy recital of the day's results. 

Or maybe not. If you are used to getting instant updates by smartphone, who needs a radio summary at 5pm?  Perhaps it's just a generational thing - old farts reverentially listening to the classifieds; millennials instead busy on their phones. 

Apparently the official reason is there will be commentary on another Premier League match from 5.30, so cuts had to be made.

One way of carving out time on Sports Report would be to trim the interviews where ‘Chappers’ asks the victorious manager questions that only have one obvious answer beginning with yes. Driving home listening to this pap, I often imagine alternative responses:

"After the defeat in midweek were you hoping for a reaction?”

“No, I was demanding a repeat performance, in fact worse”

Or make 6-0-6 a few minutes later (6-0-12?) and deny the nation the opinion of at least one caller who wasn’t at the game or even watched it on TV but nonetheless thinks it was never a penalty.

It’s an idea, as is maybe not doing commentary for the first 30 mins of Arsenal v Brentford or whatever the late kick off is (usually of less interest to most fans than a proper round up of the afternoon’s events).

But what do we know. It’s been decided and another little piece of football’s shared culture is gone.

Maybe it’s time to slap a preservation order on Garth Crooks, sitting on a sofa, looking bug eyed and indignant about something or other. We need to cling on to these legends while we can!

But ultimately everything must turn to dust. God bless the memory of James Alexander Gordon and his delicate intonation:

Heritage nil, Vandalism ONE  

Mark that on your pools coupon.