Long defunct Poppies fanzine mysteriously on sale again now!

PATGOD 150 will be available on New Year's Day from various outlets around Latimer Park (and likely to remain so far into the future).  Or, without leaving the familiar surroundings of your empty-beer-bottle festooned, fetid Yuletide domicile, online here - 

Buy your Anniversary Patgod here!

Inside the cover you will thrill to -

• New articles about players you will need to be in your late-forties to even dimly recall
• Reprints of cartoons that weren't that funny the first time around
• New articles about managers you will need to be in your late-forties to even dimly recall
• Memories of when the Poppies bestrode non-league football like an angry Tyrannosaurus Rex
• New articles about chairmen you will need to be in your late-forties to even dimly recall

So, if the game against Peterborough Sports isn't holding your full attention*, dig out your copy of the 150th Anniversary special and lose yourself in better days when a crap season meant finishing 5th in the Conference National.  Times when we had rivals that were a genuine threat to our very existence, and not just dreamt up by the Nationwide North fixture compiler and the local newspaper.  A period when a thousand Poppies fans travelling to an away game happened far more times than the same number turn up for home games nowadays.  A time when we kidded ourselves that League Football was within our grasp.

*difficult to believe, but perhaps you aren't warming to the Sport's version of all-out-war, thinly disguised as association football, seeing their players bite at every comment made from the sidelines or enjoying watching Connor Kennedy sadly having a mental breakdown in front of you.

Plan B for New Years Day from Sport's boss James Dean....

 

".....OK chaps, Boxing Day didn't go as well as we'd
hoped,  On New Years Day I want you to stop  
pussyfooting around, release the beast and 
f**king well get stuck into Kettering!"

Peterborough Sports - if it squeaks like a mouse, and eats cheese like a mouse.....

 Turbines take to the Big Time Like Bricks to Water

How close to kick off time do you reckon
I can leave it to change everything again....?

Never Say Never Again

Almost 25 years ago Messrs Wilson & Lewis stood forlornly outside Rockingham Road hawking the last few issues of the last Patgod fanzine they ever produced.  "Never Again" we declared as we adjourned to the Social Club and proceeded to drink the profits bundled the takings together to hand over to the club.

And we've been as good as our word.  Until now.  We were contacted by Ritchie during the close-season to see if we wouldn't mind producing a one-off Patgod as part of the 150th Anniversary of the Club.  All we had to do was prepare the copy and "his people" would take care of the rest.  Well, this plan didn't survive once we submitted tons of material to Ritchie's printer who threw a paddy.  Nor did the next plan of Shorty taking the bull by the horns and getting the damn thing sorted for us.  When he dramatically flounced away from the club like an entitled contestant on Strictly (only joking Shorty!) we thought our chances of preparing a 150 Anniversary Special had flounced off with him.

Eventually we thought, why don't we do it ourselves?  And before you could say, "Hey, gang, why don't we throw some bean-bags on the floor and have the concert here....?" we'd bloody well knocked the thing into some sort of shape.  Thanks then to a local company called, and I kid you not, "Poppy Print" we now have the shit loads of Anniversary Patgods awaiting either sale of being used to insulate my loft.

We're not entirely sure how to sell them though.  Even though it's been fully 25 years since we stood in front of you lot desperately offering our wares, it still seems only like yesterday and the constant rejection still burns.  That, and we don't have a big bag of 50p's.

There's a chance we MIGHT have some with us for the away game at Peterborough Sports, if only to further wind-up the easiest to wind-up people in the world.  We'll probably ask Gary Graham if he wouldn't mind stocking some in the bar.  I may even see if Ken Samuel wouldn't mind selling them alongside the programmes and his crooked Klondike tickets?  I think he should.  He definitely owes me...

Coming Soon to a Skip Near you!

Oh, THAT'S the point of Peterborough Sports!

Many years ago I recall Brian Talbot being interviewed by the local press when the hack made the mistake of mentioning the budget Mr Talbot had at his disposal.  Brian took great umbrage at the suggestion that a contributory factor to The Direones success could be the amount of money they threw around.  He became touchy and hostile and started lashing out with lies and guesswork in a most Trumpian manner.  And his first lie was that the Poppies playing budget was not just higher than his, but FAR higher.

This amused me at the time, given the gulf in quality between the two teams.  The interviewer hadn't mentioned the Poppies, but Brian's complete defensiveness about the absolute sacks of gold he had been handed to buy the League was frankly embarrassing.  No Manager or Club enjoys the assertion that success has been "bought".  It undermines their triumph and suggests their own talents weren't quite enough.

Most of us must have been acutely aware of Imraan's buying power when he pretty much assembled a League 2 team to win Conference North for us.  But that didn't stop elements of our support from believing a club that could barely muster four figure gates could somehow generate the funds to employ players of the calibre of Harper, Exodus, Marna, Seddon, Wrack, Boucard, Westcarr, Potter, Elding and Branston.  Mad, mad days.

We've all experienced something of a flashback with the reaction of the assembled masses of Peterborough Sports to our previous article about our forthcoming match.  The knee-jerk angry response to a perceived slight has been in parts amusing and frustrating.  Amusing because it's always fun to see knickers getting in a twist, but also frustrating because in their spittle-drenched fury to lash out at any criticism of their club they had failed to spot the self-depreciating undertow to the article.

Us, watching the Google Analytics View Count
at Patgod Towers yesterday

Rarely do we criticise another club without making a sly jibe at ourselves, and the previous article was no exception.  In the relatively short reading time we managed to suggest they were were likely to defeat us not just once but twice!  We also mentioned the ease with which they plucked away some of our best players.  And then we highlighted our personal laziness by bemoaning having to get off our arses to buy tickets.  All of which, seemingly went straight over the heads of the thin-skinned Sports fans determined to take great offence that a football fanzine might dare take aim at their club.  The very idea!

If as many turn up for the Boxing Day fixture as read the article a sell-out is on the cards.  Thanks for the boost in readership!  So, it does appear there might be a point to Peterborough Sports after all.

What is the Point of Peterborough Sports?

I don't know what annoys me most about the forthcoming away fixture at Peterborough Sports.  

Is it the fact that, odds are, they'll give us a thumping?  

Is it the fact that this pipsqueak of a nothing club is the latest bankrolled hobby-team for us to come up against?

Perhaps it is the fact they are doing "work" at the ground during the Festive period which restricts the stadium capacity to 20?

Maybe it was the way they easily tempted away a couple of our best players during pre-season? 

Micky Mouse Rudeboys

Or is the plastic nature of a club where they crowdfund buying flags, and then only make the total because the club stepped in and paid the large balance they couldn't raise?  Tinpot.

But, on balance, as of today, the most annoying feature of this shoddy excuse for a club is NOT that they've only allocated us 250 tickets for the game at their place, it's the fact they've PRINTED these off and we have to make an extra effort to get over to Latimer Park and PHYSICALLY purchase them....Jeez, hasn't the 21st Century reached their corner of Cambridgeshire yet?

We have become so used to downloading tickets purchased online, or live-streaming footage that the idea of making an effort to get out of our armchairs and queue for tickets seems practically Dickensian.  You queue for FA Trophy Semi-Final tickets at Telford.  You queue to purchase tickets for Fulham or Leeds in the FA Cup.  You shouldn't have to queue to get tickets to watch Peterborough - fu**ing Sports beat us up with their collection of hard-faced mercenaries.

That said, for the first time in decades I feel I'm getting something from having a Season Ticket!  Queue starts behind me, peasants!

'kin hell!

 Pointlessly rearranged Friday night kick-off all the way to Darlington

Temperature heading down to freezing

Poppies on a 275 away game losing streak

.....then the floodlights fail, pushing back kick-off.

Good luck everyone.  We're all counting on you!

The name's Solkhon, Brett Solkhon

I don't know if I'd seen this before, but whilst casually glancing over the Barton Hall's website for reasons we won't explore here, I stumbled across a rather fetching photograph of one of our former favourites.  Has this been posted elsewhere already?  Don't know.  Can't remember.  It has now.

What does this photograph tell us?  

Firstly that Mr Solkhon's a bit of a media whore.  Secondly, young Brett scrubs up better than we might have expected.  Thirdly, he's obviously punching shockingly WELL above his station.  And finally, perhaps as a society, we might just be ready to consider the first ginger James Bond....?

Far too close to call!

 Kings Lynn v Stevenage in the FA Cup today....

It's a given that no self-respecting Poppies fan can't want either of these teams to win ANY football match.  Even a disreputable Poppies fan couldn't want anything but thumping defeats for BOTH teams.

Is it too much to ask for both teams to slip to an embarrassing defeat, with multiple red cards and, if not career ending injuries, at least half the players limping off with niggling tweaks?  And Steve Evans gets a lifetime ban for biting Ben Stephens's face off.  

And that annoying Lynn fan who stands behind the goal and periodically screams out his solo chant of "KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNN!!!" accidentally swallows his tongue mid-bellow?  

Am I wanting too much from a single game between two teams who have both been our rivals at different times but are now, through no fault of their own, much better than us?  

Bitter?  You bet.

Stephen Cleeve welcomes Boro Boss
Steve Evans to The Walks

Five bits of Poppies bullshit that make us feel important

So, after 90 minutes of huffing and puffing in grotty conditions and getting a miserable soaking yesterday, it will count for nothing.  The club Secretary dropped a bollock by not checking Lethwaite's availability to play, and the player himself didn't bother to volunteer the fact he'd played in an earlier round.  Terrific.  Well done one and all.

All this latest f*ck-up has done has given the professional moaners on KTFC Chat, Poppies Talk, Reds Revue, Kettering Grizzlers and Town Twats online forums even more to bleat about.  In the game of "Poppies Are Going Bust Bingo" getting thrown out of the Trophy due to playing someone too dumb to realise their very selection will cost us the game, has had many shouting "FULL HOUSE!"

However, all is not lost.

Patgod is here to remind us all how being a Poppies fan is still brilliant.  We've lined up five good reasons why every other supporter of every other club must wake daily bemoaning the fact they weren't born in our fair corner of Northamptonshire.  Or, five dismal facts that we blindly cling to which will only serve to drag us down as surely as concrete life belts.

(1)  We are, at time of writing, the FA Cup all-time goal scorers.  Yes folks, until 10 minutes into Tottenham's 3rd round game at home to Shitkickers and Bunion Athletic FC, the mighty Poppies have scored more FA Cup goals than anyone else.  True, even the most cursory view of our FA Cup goal chart shows an awful lot of several goal thumpings handed out before WW I to long-defunct Micky Mouse sounding clubs from the Peterborough area.  But, as they say, you can only beat what's in front of you....

Mind you, other than occasional bragging rights, what does this fact actually achieve for us?  Literally nobody else in football knows or cares.  Nor did we until one of our Statto's came up with the, er, statistic several years ago.  I'm more suspicious over the fact the same Stattos have stayed curiously quiet as to which team has conceded the most goals in the history of the FA Cup.....

(2) We introduced Shirt Sponsorship.  That's right.  It's OUR fault otherwise attractive football kits are hideously branded and that soulless Betting companies have managed to push their relentless drug on the football supporting public.  Yay us.

(3)  We used to get enormous gates.  All the time.  Sorry, but another piece of self-perpetuating nonsense we cloak ourselves in to bolster our superiority.  During my Poppies supporting days I can only recall ONE season where we averaged 2,500 (a mythical figure people seem to recall we attracted all the time).  And the average gates for that season, under Peter Morris's first failed tilt at the title, were helpfully bolstered by have a couple of 4000+ gates for the last two home games when a shed load of glory seekers thought we might get promoted.  All of them were long gone by the time the following season kicked off....

(4)  Rockingham Road was the best stadium in Non-League.  Many people who still consider themselves to be Kettering Town fans wouldn't be seen dead at Latimer Park because it isn't a patch on RR.  No, it's not.  That's true.  But it's also true that Rocky Road wasn't the non-league Old Trafford we all seem to remember it as.  Did any of you ever use the toilet on the Cowper Street cinder bank?  Or get stuck behind the 43 fences erected down the length of the Britannia Road terrace?  Or get moved from your seat in the stand because the area you were in had failed it's safety inspection?  Or get soaked when anywhere in the half of the ground with no cover?  

Rocky Road was a good ground for our needs, and we all loved it because for any faults it had it was OURS, and had belonged to our parents and their parents before them.  But let's not kid ourselves the whole non-league footballing community lived in a state of permanent jealousy because it was our home and not theirs.  Because they didn't.

(5)  We are a sleeping non-league giant.  Some of our most deluded supporters can't understand why Ritchie isn't fully funding us to revive the glory days.  On the very weekend where we attracted to a home game over 16,000 LESS than attended a National League fixture one division above us, some of our addled-brained base are still convinced we are a big noise in non-league circles.  Half of the division above us are former Football League clubs and there are dozens of teams tussling to get up into our division regularly attract double our gates, and yet somehow we see The Poppies as a team others fear, are jealous of and seek to emulate.  They don't, they shouldn't and they won't.

Glover - take a week off from being bollocked.

World Cup Willy

The World Cup, the actual World Cup, is less than a week away and you’d be excused for not noticing. Only the gap in the Premier League schedule next weekend offers a clue that something is afoot. Think of it as a sort of elongated international break. Given how clubs often use standard international breaks as an opportunity to swap managers, there must be an unusually high number of touchline water bottle swiggers nervously checking their phones right now.

Normally Patgod adopts the brace position when considering England’s tournament prospects, but this time (more than any other time) is different.  As our boys board the plane to Qatar, for the first time ever a former Poppy is in the squad.  Take a bow Callum Wilson. It’s been a long journey since his loan spell for the slender lad from Coventry, so long that he probably still thinks we play at Rockingham Road. Actually, if he asks, say we do. From Cov to rising to the Prem with Bournemouth then a big move to Newcastle, he’s timed his run perfectly into the World Cup reckoning and from here anything is possible.

Callum may be an ex Poppy, but what about other World Cup connections. Surely the legendary Tommy Lawton played in a World Cup?  The answer, surprisingly, is no. He wasn’t selected for 1950 or 1954, before his career wind down brought him to our patch. Gazza you cry.  But if the qualifying test is wearing a Kettering shirt, he never actually made an appearance.  Ok then, what about Dave Watson. Mid 80s defensive warhorse alongside the likes of Dave Needham, who not many years earlier was earning the last of 65 caps? Cruelly for him, he actually sang on the 1982 World Cup song, only to not make the cut.  Must have been tough, but he’ll always have that appearance on Top of the Pops.

The only other (playing) World Cup connection we can identify is Don Masson from Scotland’s ‘78 squad.  Archie Gemmill emerged from that tournament as a hero thanks to an immortal goal; Don missed a penalty against Peru and was never picked again.  Several years later he briefly passed through RR as player manager and was sacked after a handful of games, which was some achievement at a time when club chairmen were much less trigger happy than today, and even complete bozos normally got half a season.    

So it looks like Callum is in a class of one, at least as far as England is concerned.  Needless to say, having a CURRENT Poppy at the World Cup, for any country, has never happened.  However, at the present rate of expansion of the finals, who knows. After all, by 2050 every country in the world bar the Cook Islands, and Scotland, will be there.

There's only one Roger Taylor!

Have you ever had a few too many of an evening and found yourself "ego-searching" your own name on Google?  C'mon, we've all done it....surely?

THE RHYS-FLEX

Anyway, I've decided, without a hint of self-aggrandising, that I can make a reasonable case for being the third most famous Gary Lewis in the world, in what is, admittedly, a narrow field.  Top of the pile is the taciturn Scots actor who's real name is Gary Stevenson, who chose MY name to make his way as a thespian.  This means that if I decide, at this enormously late stage to become an actor I will have to change MY bloody name! 

WILD BOYS IN RED

In second place is the Gary Lewis of Gary Lewis and the Playboys "fame" - a mid 1960's band of limited success who, curiously, only troubled the UK charts the once, at the exact time I was born.  Gary of Gary Lewis and the Playboys was actually called Gary Harold Lee Levitch, and even then the "Gary" part of his name was meant to be "Cary" after Cary Grant....Basically I can make a case for being the bestest "real" Gary Lewis ever!

NEW MOON ON THE MORISSONS END

I only mention this because Roger Taylor, the drummer from Duran Duran, despite helping to sell dozens of millions of albums also sits firmly in third place as the most famous Roger Taylor in the world.  Top of the pile is his "big drummer-brother" Roger Taylor of Queen who has helped shift hundreds of millions of albums. Arguably, the second best Roger Taylor is the former Australian Tennis player with Open Doubles Titles in the early 1970's.

GARY STOHRER ON FILM

This leaves Roger Taylor of Duran Duran as the third best Roger Taylor as far as the rest of the world is concerned.  However, in the environs of Burton Latimer "young" Roger is definitely top of the pile.  Why?  I'll tell you.

IS THERE DECARREY SHERIFF I SHOULD KNOW?

My good lady is a BIG Duran Duran fan, and within DD she is an even BIGGER Roger Taylor fan.  So much so she recently purchased an official T-shirt with Roger's enormous, slightly quizzical early 80's face on it, although if you are not a dyed-in-the-wool Durranie it could be anyone.  She wore it for the first time for our home win over Telford.  

SAM BENNETT A PRAYER

As far as we can determine, Roger has since then only missed the home games against Alfreton, Kidderminster and Banbury.  Yes.  That's right.  Roger has attended ALL of our wins at home this season.  He has never "seen" us do anything but win at Latimer Park!  

A VIEW TO A KEATON WARD

Leaving aside Roger's attendance at a couple of awayday thumpings, his T-shirted visage is the luckiest of lucky tokens for the Poppies at home this season. So much so, it is genuinely baffling why the missus DIDN'T wear the T-shirt for the Alfreton, Kiddy and Banbury games.  Believe me - this won't happen again!  I would suggest that to keep the magic intact, the T-shirt should not be washed again either, but I fear I may be overruled on that one....!

UNION OF THE PAUL COX

The one and only Roger Taylor - he's seen more
Poppies wins than most Poppies fans this season

Former Poppies Manager.....

 .....of, ahem, limited renown or inexplicably popular former Genesis drummer?  You decide.

On the subject of Gary Johnson's time at the Poppies, the Wikipedia article covering his time here seems to gloss somewhat over the quality of his tenure.  A more suspicious blogger might suggest Lee had a hand in writing this himself?

Wikipedia - 

Kettering Town[edit]

After leaving Cambridge, Johnson took over as manager of Kettering Town as the club introduced full-time football for the first time in the club's history. However, once the decision was made to revert to being a part-time club, Johnson moved to Watford as director of their youth academy by request of former England manager Graham Taylor.

If we have a "Plan B" now would be a good time....

Another away-day thumping.  Another underwhelming performance.  Another game where we pack the defence from the first minute in the hope of blunting incessant attacks and then, somehow, pinch a goal.  Another day when we pile pressure on ourselves for our next home game.

We have racked up a massive FOUR League goals when playing away from Latimer Park this season.  FOUR.  The last one being Andy Oluwabori's equaliser at Buxton on the 3rd of September.  That's over two months ago.  You don't need reminding what the teams that have hosted us have done in the meantime.  Or maybe you do? Fifteen League goals against without the glimmer of an answer.  Only our moderately acceptable home form stops us from being cut adrift at the bottom of the league.

What hurts about our shocking away form isn't getting beaten - I've been around the block often enough to know and accept that we can't handsomely win every match at a canter.  But, equally, I know when I'm watching a team so obviously set-up to try and keep the size of defeat to a minimum.  And still failing dismally to do that.  I don't believe I've seen any Poppies team meekly ship goal after goal with barely a collective shrug before.  

Even in the utterly grim, dog-sh*t days of a decade ago our team of kids, random passers-by and old legless lags occasionally dug out an away result to remind us why we bother to give up our Saturdays to follow the Poppies.  The players we have now aren't a bad bunch.  We've seen a bit of quality.  A bit of fight.  But we have seen nowhere near enough of either.  Beating Kings Lynn at home with everyone giving their all counts for nothing when Farsley piss all over you a few weeks later.

It's no coincidence the Supporter Coach is not running to the next few matches.  Matches where you once would have had to fight a grizzled old codger for a coach seat have been running half empty.  What savings the Supporter Coach had accrued have been blown ferrying the small hardcore of fans to such unattractive, nowhere locations as Chester and Scarborough.

Let's not kid ourselves that we have plenty of time to turn the ship around.  While we continue to allow our various hosts to improve their goal difference all the teams around us are notching the odd win and fighting hard to stay in this division.  Telford and their new, shell-shocked Manager excepted of course.

How many games does Ritchie give Glover to make us tougher nuts to crack?  How many away games has Ritchie endured?  Would Glover still be here if he'd seen even half of them?  How many games would it be fair to give his replacement to pull us out of our nose dive back to fixtures against St F*cking Ives again?

Answers are not many more, not enough, probably not and as many as possible.

Sorry Lee, but we are all as bored listening as you
are probably bored repeating yourself

So, Brackley. Again.

Brackley is such a pointless non-event as a town, a fixture, a concept, let alone a footballing rivalry, that we truly cannot be arsed with them.

So, for your reading pleasure today, and every day we play Brackley until either the Apes take over and make us run around in loin cloths or aliens in big, f*ck-off spaceships zap us into dust, we will simply keep linking back to this previous article which will always remain tediously relevant.

So, Brackley

The first image google threw up for the
word "Brackley".  It'll do.

Do or Die

Can anyone recall a Saturday when a Poppies Manager's job was so obviously on the line?  The odd battling home victories are being heavily outweighed by toothless, thumping away defeats.  Some of these away defeats have been sufficiently embarrassing that even after publicly backing his gaffer at the recent, uplifting fans forum, Ritchie MUST be worried.

Tuesday's humbling defeat to Farsley in what was a must-not-lose fixture has nailed any lingering doubts that this season was going to be anything but a relegation scrap.  Our problem is that we don't seem to have any "scrap" about us.  National North teams seem to fall into one of two camps.  Teams that pass you to death and teams who work hard and get in your face.  And then there's Kettering.  We lack the quality to do the former and the fight to do the latter, leaving us as a soft touch and an easy three points for any home team.

Last season's unexpected success was going to put any new Manager under pressure.  Perhaps we were all hoping a bit too much that lightening was going to strike twice and that for a second season a hastily assembled set of players would click and we would set about the League with gusto.  Last season was so good we had conveniently forgotten that the two previous, covid-curtailed seasons had finished with the Poppies firmly stuck in the lower reaches of the table.  Pretty much as we are now.

National North is a tough division.  As tough as Conference National was back in the day.  And we are not the "non-league giant" we used to be and that some of us still think we are.  We are wallowing down in 17th place in average attendances in the division.  We are a small fish in a big pond and need to adjust our sights accordingly.  We have no God-given right to win games or beat teams we consider to be beneath us.  Every win has to be fought for and earned.

A fifth from bottom finish to this season would be a success given where we are now and how we are performing.  Sad.  But true.  I've become doubtful whether Lee Glover is the Manager who can achieve this given the way we fold like a cheap suit whenever we concede a goal on the road.  The odd, battling win at Latimer Park won't be enough to quieten calls for Lee's dismissal, or calm the clamour for the return of the "snake from over the water".

Wins and more wins.  
Nothing else will do.

A True Collectors Item

The football makes the fleetiest of fleeting appearances in the 
Chester penalty area in the second half this afternoon.

 

Grim Lizzy

If Liz Truss is feeling a bit down tonight, there is a consolation. Gazza only lasted 39 days.

True he didn’t manage to tank the entire UK economy in that time, but his bar bills did threaten to put 40p on the base rate of admission prices.

And at no point in her brief premiership did Liz simulate a drunken dentist’s chair celebration. Though in terms of decision making, it might have helped.

Anyway the good news for Liz is that Gazza is on his way, with some cans, chicken and a fishing rod.

 

Andre's Search Goes On

This week we lost Andre Wright to Stratford Town FC.  Unsurprisingly Andre failed to score during his stint at Latimer Park.  He hasn't actually scored for an English club since notching a solitary effort for Kiddy some 5 years ago.  He had scored a handful of goals in the League of Ireland for Bohemians and Sligo, where, presumably the standard isn't what it might be.  However, this side of the water in just over a hundred games he has amassed the grand total of 7 goals.  One fewer than we shipped in 90 minutes at Kings Lynn recently.

And yet, when playing for us he didn't look THAT bad.  He had a good touch.  He had a physical presence.  He won some headers.  He put a shift in.  Unlike some players to have pulled on the Poppies 150th Anniversary strip he actually tried.  I found myself willing the ball into the net for him.  Which would have been more likely had he actually tested any of the goalkeepers he came up against.

But, at what point, as a footballer, do you look objectively at your career and ask yourself if you are truly up to it?  Statistically speaking, any of us lardy middle-aged lumps could be plopped on a football field and score as many goals as Andre simply by the ball inadvertently striking our arses at corners or clouting off our heads at free kicks.  In fact, it takes remarkable ability to play as close to goal for as long as Andre has and not even accidentally score more times.

Andre has finally accepted this might be a level too high for him and has dropped a league in an attempt to notch his first goal since Barak Obama was US President.  I, for one, wish him well and hope it works out for him.

Andre looks suitably shocked to find that
Stratford has a football club.

Update!  Addaboy Andre!

A fate worse than a fate worse than death?

The anniversaries at the Poppies continue to come thick and fast.  150 years of existence this year.  30 years of the Poppies Trust.  This week it's been 10 years since our last game at Nonce Park.  Coincidentally this week also marked the second anniversary of our former supremo Imraan Ladak being sentenced to 6 months in prison for basically being a dick. 

Last year we marked 10 years since our last game at Rockingham Road.  As our old ground fades into the background as a mostly good memory and the l-o-n-g threatened building work begins in earnest on the site I had a faintly heretical thought.  While flicking through the channels the other day I briefly caught sight of a women's league game between Chelsea and Arsenal.  Don't worry, I'm not going to lazily trot out a clutch of middle-aged man's clichés about females playing football (it's not 1990 after all!)  No, these ladies could certainly play football.  They spat, went down when barely touched and were tattooed beyond all sense.  Everything.  Even the goalkeepers have come on leaps and bounds.  Why, one almost made a save at one point (...satire....)

Being a bit of a stadium nerd I wondered which ground they were playing at.  These days we come across a lot of lower and non-league grounds who share with Premier League clubs to host their reserves, youths or ladies teams.  I think a general rule of thumb is that if sprinklers suddenly pop-up at a non-league ground, they probably host a top level club for some of their minor fixtures.

I didn't immediately recognise the small, but well put together stadium Chelsea were playing at.  It was obviously THEIR stadium as every inch of is was decked out with Chelsea livery.  I struggled to imagine any club allowing someone to come along and completely take over the branding of their home by another team.  A few minutes of online research unveiled the disquieting truth.

The stadium did belong to Chelsea.  It had previously belonged to AFC Wimbledon.  Who had acquired it from Kingstonian.  Yes, this ladies game was being played at Kingsmead which used to be Kingstonian's home ground, before various shenanigans led to them being tenants of the Dons in their own stadium.  OK, Kingstonian hadn't been playing there for many years before Kingsmead started to slip away from them, but still, it had been their home.

Kingstonian still exist as a distinct club and ground share with Tooting and Mitchum FC.

But how must it feel knowing YOUR stadium still exists, but it's not YOURS anymore?  Another club is playing there.  They have painted it in their colours.  The terraces you stood on man and boy are being stood on by others.  Another team is being cheered from your stands.

It's bad enough for us to walk past a derelict Rockingham Road, then heart-breaking to see the site demolished and stupefying to see dwellings start to emerge there.  But, would it be worse to see Rocky Road still there, being used by someone else KNOWING we would NEVER be allowed to play there again?  Sure, you could hang onto the hope that one day.....but as they say, it's the hope that kills you....Seeing it there.  Knowing it wasn't yours.  Better or worse than it disappearing altogether?  I truly can't decide!

Is this the last remaining part of 
Rockingham Road as we knew it?

I Guess I Can't Always Blame Ken Samuel

I'm getting almost as bored writing about my inability to win the half-time Klondike draw as you must be reading about it.  And bored of my borderline libellous contention that Ken Samuel may have more than a hand in my continued bad luck (just thirty odd years and counting).

Well, last Saturday, before the team slept walked into a lacklustre capitulation to Kidderminster, I missed out on Klondike glory through nobody's fault but my own.  My blame entirely.  Nothing to do with Ken.  At least not this time.

Being equal parts effortlessly-minted and unstintingly-generous it's not unknown for me to buy a fivers worth of Klondikes before the game.  This I was about to do in the bar well before kick-off.  However, at the last moment I plumped for 3 Klondikes and a Matchday programme.  I don't usually buy a programme.  Not because it isn't good - it is, but like most people who have watched football for any length of time I have piles of the damn things filling up various rooms of my house, and I don't need more.  Also, I know that others are avid collectors and a whim purchase from me might deny somebody who REALLY wanted that particular programme.  Oh, and I'm unbelievably bad at Cookie's quiz - I think I've guessed one correct answer ever.

I purchased this particular programme solely because an article I'd written was featured within.  'Er indoors who labours under the twin binds in life of being married to both me and to the Poppies Trust had coaxed me to pen a piece for the Trust page.  I leapt at the chance to write something that could be entirely positive for a change, and it ended up in the Kiddy programme.  Which I then pointlessly purchased in order to re-read something I was already intimately familiar with.

You can guess what happened next.  Yep, the winning Klondike number was 2 higher than my third ticket.  It would have been the fifth of my five tickets had I not bought a programme.

Yes folks, in order to vanity-read something I could just as easily brought up on my phone, I chucked £180.  Well done me.  I'm not looking for sympathy but wouldn't necessarily object if you all wanted to have a whip-around to cover this latest egregious loss.  And Ken, this doesn't mean I'm not still watching you like a hawk....

Worth £182.50 of anyone's money

Existential Crisis, Poppies style.

There's some seriously weird sh*t going down in Poppies land at the moment.  Weirder even than usual.  Far too many Poppies fans are entirely losing it with their club over stuff that happens in football every day, but we somehow consider it to be END OF DAYS when it happens to us.

Culverhouse left.  Proof positive we are screwed.

Players left.  We must be broke.

Unproven Manager appointed.  Club must be about to fold.

Replica shirts arrive only just ahead of the season starting.  Ritchie is about to set fire to himself.

Attendances drop.  Guaranteed relegation (mind you, I haven't been yet myself....)

A glimpse at KTFC chat on Saturdays has become akin to dipping your toes into an ocean of angry, poisoned acid.  Every goal conceded brings about wails of teeth-gnashing, utter angry despair.  Every chance we miss guarantees the club is about to be wound-up.  A corner that hits the first defender automatically means none of the players are being paid and there is literally no need to ever attend a match again.

Every time I hope the more outlandish elements of our support have finally gone as far as they can with their barmy Poppies self-hatred they surprise me by dipping further into the well of angst-riven loathing of their own football club.

If you feel yourself about to dive off the depressive Poppies deep-end perhaps you might want to: -

Take a deep breath

Stop reading KTFC Chat for 24 hours after a game

Remember that FOOTBALL IS JUST A GAME

Remember KETTERING TOWN FC IS A TEAM YOU SUPPORT

Remember that when two teams take to a field to play football there are a number of possible outcomes and that WINNING EVERY GAME IS BY NO MEANS GUARANTEED

Or perhaps just f*cking grow-up a bit...

Two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Why isn't Cox being shown the door by Boston not cheering me up as much as I thought it would?

As much as we at Patgod enjoy a good chuckle and try to wring the funny from any given Poppies-related situation, the sacking of Paul Cox has left us strangely flat.  I'm trying to think of as many snake-inspired puns as I can, but the muse isn't there.  Or rather, "isssssn't there."  Although I'm feeling morose on the subject I'm not dead!

Who can't have watched Cox's recent interviews without at least a touch of concern?  That florrid face.  The unnerving blinking.  The complete inability to focus his eyes on anything at all, let alone the interviewer.  He looked harassed and unwell.  You would need a heart of stone not to feel just a bit sorry for him.  Unless, of course you happened to be a Poppies supporter or simply someone who enjoys schadenfreude.

This is the man, who for all of his noble talk, simply walked out on his Poppies contract when Boston made their illegal approach.  Sensing the greener (and flatter) grass in Lincolnshire he dumped us without a backward glance or word of apology or regret.  A move utterly lacking the class or honesty we had thought he was eminently capable of.  For what?  To be sacked just seven games into the new season and have another club's supporters think ill of him.

In the most obvious development since the announcement that water is wet Ian Culverhouse has slithered into the still-warm dugout at Boston.  This was such a guaranteed outcome that even Patgod foretold it, though even Culverhouse probably can't believe how quickly his period on the Rock and Roll has come to an end.  Paul Bastock and that other bloke are already, no doubt, heading to the Jakemans.  The other bloke in his car and Bastock while taking his dog for a walk.

So where does all this leave everyone?  Is Lee Glover already looking forward to his turn in the Boston hot seat before the end of the season?  Or is he looking over his shoulder?  Surely Cox burned his bridges with Ritchie?  What would Ian Culerhouse have done for a living if Boston hadn't had such a crap start to the season?  He's already amply proved he will never move his lazy arse from the Kings Lynn area, which meant he was basically waiting for either Boston or Peterborough Sports to have a shocker.  Boston stepped up.  And what of Paul himself?  I take no pleasure in seeing someone lose their job.  Today Paul started in employment and by the end of the day he's out of work.  Sad - no matter what we might think of the man and his behaviour

On the bright side, he loses his employment on the same day Boris Johnson loses his, who did an even worse job and arguably screwed up the lives of even more people than a former Poppies Manager can manage.

On the even brighter side, Paul should take heart that he signs-on on the same day Liz Truss becomes the Prime Minister, proving it is possible to fail upwards and that absolutely no-one is completely unemployable.

It's what you've always wanted. 
Careful not to trip over your own grin....

So Tempted......

Whilst booking online tickets for our early season 6-pointer with the Pilgrims I stumbled upon this tantalising offer of an afternoon's hostility, sorry, hospitality at the still almost completed Jakeman's Stadium.

"......CLUB 85 - BOOKINGS AVAILABLE

As the National League North campaign kicks firmly into gear, availability remains for supporters to enjoy the Pilgrims' matchday experience in Nineteen33.

Monday's Matchday VIP against Kettering Town is former Pilgrims and Poppies striker Micky Nuttell – and the menu on offer is:

- Braised brisket, mashed potato, bourguignon sauce;

- Lemon tart, fruit compote, Chantilly cream."...."

Hell, who were we kidding?

Managing Expectations the Paul Cox way

 

News reaches us that our favourite former son has been setting out the timescale of his latest promotion project to the good folk of Boston.  Rather than build on last season when they fell at the final hurdle Cox has re-set the promotion clock and will be looking to consolidate for the next 2-3 years and strive to keep Boston at this level ahead of pushing on at some point past the middle of the current decade.

Having been stuck in "Conference North" for a generation following their Steve Evans, ahem, inspired spell in the Football League the Pilgrims faithful have greeted Cox's announcement with less enthusiasm than Paul would have hoped for.

Ernie Balderdash took time off from frisking his livestock to comment that, "I bet he didn't say this to the Board when he got the bloody job!  And that Jordan Crawford looks funny...."

Long-time Boston fan, and part-time otter wrangler Gibberish McFlintlock added, "Madness!  We can't wait three years to be roundly thrashed by the likes of Borehamwood and Bromley.  And that Jordan Crawford runs like he's shat himself...."

Concerned fan Slimer Pasteface contributed, "Not only is the new ground further out of Boston than either me or any previous generation of my family have strayed from our mud hut, but I want guaranteed wins and promotion NOW, if not sooner.  "And that Jordan Crawford, what the f*ck is that with his socks.....?"

But Cox's plan, backed up with performances expertly calibrated to ensure Boston don't accidentally achieve promotion ahead of schedule also has its backers.  I*n C*lverhouse from Kings Lynn announced he was delighted with the job Paul was doing with the Pilgrims, telling us, "He's going great guns, and I won't stray too far from my telephone this Bank Holiday weekend.  I've never really been bothered about Kettering Town FC, but, on this occasion, Come on you Poppies!"

All we seek is equality

I sincerely hope the Poppies Supporters Trust will be handing out kagools, umbrellas, or even copies of the ET to hold above our heads tonight?

Otherwise it will look very much like they only have it for the sun.....

People, people everywhere

Ok, so the gate for the first home game of the season today may have only been just over a 100 more than rocked up at Corby.  And half the number that turned up at little old Banbury.  But, considering the enormous issues facing Kettering Town fans every week of every season, it's a miracle as many people turn up at Latimer Park as they do.

Especially when you consider -

August - September

Everyone is on their holidays.  How are we supposed to pack out the Morrisons End when we're all at Skeggy or Sunny Hunny?  And if we're not all busy paddling away in the grey North sea, it's FAR too hot for football - see below.

October - November - December

What with back-to-school, Halloween, Bonfire Night and the build up to Christmas is it any surprise we all have plenty of room to move around in the Tin Hat?

January - February

Forget it.  Every game will be called off due to snow / ice / rain / pandemic.  If, by some miracle our players actually take to the pitch who can afford to watch football after pissing all their money away at Christmas?  And who wants to go to a game when it's so perishing cold?  Brrrr....

March - April - May

How are we supposed to get up to Latimer Park several times per week to make up for all the previously postponed fixtures?  Totally ridiculous of the club to expect us to actually make the effort to get to our home ground to watch our team.

So, there you have it.  If we get ANYONE up to Latimer Park the club should consider themselves damn fortunate.  Somehow every other club has the same stresses and strains on attendance but seem to get people that consider themselves as supporters to actually support their club.  No, we don't know how, either.

This season will be doubly difficult as we don't have the attraction of the untraditionally gorgeous Jordan Crawford to get us in through the turnstiles and the seemingly guaranteed 5-0 wins we mysteriously recall enjoying every Saturday last season.

34 degrees is far too fecking hot
to wear this mad fecking costume.

I worked up a sweat just watching....

James Alexander Gordon Bennett

God knows the last few years have been tough. Brexit. Trump. Covid. Ukraine. At times it has seemed never ending, but through it all there were things to cling to for comfort.

And then the BBC announces the end of the classified football results on Sports Report and you think, is nothing sacred?  

Five o’clock is usually just about when you reach the car or coach after the match. Whatever the mood,  no one talks when the ‘pa rum de pum de pum de pum’ strikes up, followed by a holy recital of the day's results. 

Or maybe not. If you are used to getting instant updates by smartphone, who needs a radio summary at 5pm?  Perhaps it's just a generational thing - old farts reverentially listening to the classifieds; millennials instead busy on their phones. 

Apparently the official reason is there will be commentary on another Premier League match from 5.30, so cuts had to be made.

One way of carving out time on Sports Report would be to trim the interviews where ‘Chappers’ asks the victorious manager questions that only have one obvious answer beginning with yes. Driving home listening to this pap, I often imagine alternative responses:

"After the defeat in midweek were you hoping for a reaction?”

“No, I was demanding a repeat performance, in fact worse”

Or make 6-0-6 a few minutes later (6-0-12?) and deny the nation the opinion of at least one caller who wasn’t at the game or even watched it on TV but nonetheless thinks it was never a penalty.

It’s an idea, as is maybe not doing commentary for the first 30 mins of Arsenal v Brentford or whatever the late kick off is (usually of less interest to most fans than a proper round up of the afternoon’s events).

But what do we know. It’s been decided and another little piece of football’s shared culture is gone.

Maybe it’s time to slap a preservation order on Garth Crooks, sitting on a sofa, looking bug eyed and indignant about something or other. We need to cling on to these legends while we can!

But ultimately everything must turn to dust. God bless the memory of James Alexander Gordon and his delicate intonation:

Heritage nil, Vandalism ONE  

Mark that on your pools coupon.

It all starts here

Following the build up to the new season through my primary news feed, KTFC Chat, has not been the most positive experience. As far as I can tell from the deluge of pessimism, we have 7 players, a couple of loanees, a manager who will be sacked by next month, a pitch that no one wants to play on, a burger hut that’s too small and replica shirts stuck in Dubai.  

Also, apparently everyone was certain we were going to lose our opening game 17-0 so I tuned out for my mental wellbeing and will check on the actual result a bit later. Hopefully we at least kept it to single figures.  

Instead, in a form of diversion therapy I decided to focus on the opening round of this season’s FA Cup. The Extra Extra Preliminary Round. Thankfully a stage of the competition which we don’t yet know from personal experience, but scrolling down the immense list of ties it was sobering, gratifying or hilarious (delete as applicable) to see quite a number of old foes who faced elimination at the very first stage.

A total of 266 clashes saw 528 clubs battling it out on the first Saturday of August, with two abandonments, and already 147 teams have no further interest - including Corby (slight surprise) and Wellingborough (not at all). Elsewhere, other notable names (original versions or not) include former non-League giants Enfield, Northwich Victoria, Worcester City and Macclesfield.  Worcester made the 2^nd Round not that long ago, yet here they were losing to my local club, Malvern Town, who will be putting out the bunting after winning an actual tie for the first time in many years.

At the other end of the recognition scale are entrants in this year’s competition so obscure, even the most ardent groundhopper would struggle to locate them on a map – much to their fury and Tupperware boxes would be sent flying I suspect.  Roffey, Mulbarton Wanderers, Litherland Remyca, Holyport, Rusthall, Tadley Calleva or St Panteleimon anyone? Trumpton and Camberwick Green could be slipped in and no one would notice. 

Elsewhere in the draw, Penrith failed to make the most of home advantage against West Allotment, and went out to a row of tomato canes and cabbages. At least Harpenden fared better against New Salamis, and enabled their opponents to concentrate on being pizza toppings for another year.

It really is another world down there, like peering to the murky underwater depths where strange creatures exist and there is the odd sunken ship. An image which I hope we are not returning to when we enter this season’s competition, in search of glory or at the very least 3 precious goals. Meanwhile the minnowest of the minnows will continue to nibble away at each other, and we are safe to patronise them for a few weeks yet!      

Now how did we get on at Fylde…   

Good Luck Chaps!

 It's the first day of the season and supporters up and down the land are looking forward to 10 months of excitement, ups and downs, last minute winners, shocking penalty decisions and catching up with people at football games they've known for years but never known the names of.

I'd like to think Poppies fans fall into this category, but it's sometimes difficult to spot amongst the doom-laden, teeth gnashing emanating from KTFC chat.  Conveniently forgetting that we started last season with practically a brand new team, the squad being assembled by Lee Glover has been rubbished by a lot of people who haven't actually seen them play.

Their biggest fault?  That they are not Jordan Crawford.  Or Alex Brown.  Or any of the various Connors we had last season.  Players we grew to appreciate as the season wore on, but players we didn't know from Adam this time last year.  Players, let it not be forgotten, CHOSE to leave the Poppies.  Sometimes for eye-watering wages at this level (looking at you Kennedy).  Sometimes chasing promotion - Connor Barrett.  Sometimes in pursuit of play-off heartbreak as in the case of Callum Stead.  And others simply to test out a new substitute bench a'la Mr Crawford.

It's not the fault of the new players that our old faves chucked us for money, facilities and a pitch you can pass on.  So Patgod puts on record today wishing the team and staff all the best for the season.  There's some tough months ahead.  Some strong teams and difficult places to visit.  But, I fear their hardest challenge is winning over some of their own supporters who are actively lining up to be their toughest opponents.

A bit harsh from the ET.....

 

3G or not 3G. That is the question. By Graham James

I never thought that I would come round to what now sounds inevitable in that we will have, at some point, a 3G pitch. The owner said in replies to questions recently that it will be happening though I could not remember that being announced before. 

 My only personal experience in watching a game on a 3G pitch was many years ago when they were first tried and that was at QPR when they were near the top of the old First Division. I would like to think that they have improved since then. Strangely what has brought me round to thinking that this step is both inevitable and probably beneficial are the recent pre-season friendlies. 

 Whilst we are currently in the situation whereby we are putting an unreasonably amount of pressure on the hope that a 19 year old loanee centre half still wants to come back, Kidderminster are playing games against young teams from Liverpool and Manchester United in front of over 2,500 fans. This year’s hard pitches even lead to Stevenage sending someone up to Peterborough Sports to check on their pitch before committing to play there. The week before Southend apparently chose not to play many of their first team because of the now famous state of our pitch. 

Not long ago Northampton refused to play at Latimer Park and it was only a Maunsell Cup game, I believe. So, none of these issues would have affected us if we had a very unenvironmentally friendly artificial pitch. We could also potentially attract big league teams again as used to happen at Rockingham Road. Probably fewer games would be postponed which would mean we wouldn’t have to put up with the original programme with a wrap-around, though it is sometimes interesting to see where we were in the league table 2 months prior to the rearranged game. 

The pitch could be available for hire and I know that some league teams use 3g pitches to train on in St Neots to break up long journeys, so it is another revenue stream. I would assume that our infamous pitch might well put some players off signing for us as well but if any managers just assume that our pitch is always hard will be in for a shock if they come here after a wet spell in Winter. Now I just need to find out if my old mobile phone will work better next to a 3g pitch.

At least it will stay green....

You never see a poor Bookie. Not yet anyway......

Bet365 have nailed their colours to the mast for the forthcoming National North season.  And it would be fair to say their suggested final league finishing positions have been the cheered length and breadth of Kettering.  Seemingly based solely on our final finishing position last season, Bet365 have predicted
a 10th place finish for the Poppies in the 2022-23 season.

That's right.  Lee Glover's hastily assembled team of unknowns and nobodies, spearheaded by a striker who hasn't scored on English soil for over 4-years are tipped by the tipsters to finish well above the relegations scrap.

Every single Poppies fan has gladly offered to accept this and cancel the season here and now.  Take our season ticket money.  We don't care.  We'll buy a stack of Klondikes and even pop by Latimer Park to have a few drinks and a burger every now and again.  The Town are staying up!  KTFC Chat has already clubbed together to buy a Player of the (non) Season Award and announced Gary Stohrer as the winner.  Poppies fans will celebrate long and hard after such a successful season.

And yet......

After pondering the situation for a moment more it suddenly strikes us that a 10th place finish is good, but.....you know.....a couple of more wins might have seen us snatch the last play-off spot.  C'mon Poppies!  More effort needed!  Bottled it again!  Bloody Hell Ritchie, get your chequebook out!  Glover Out!  Glover Out!  Boo!  Boo!

WHO ARE YER?!

 

No.10 Takes Swipe at PATGOD!

"Sound of wooden container being frantically and thoroughly emptied"

Literally anyone, and we mean ANYONE will do to fill a role....

Except you Hollobone.

 

 

Still left on the bench

 

Possibly the last sign of the Prime Minister's failing political good sense - despite running out of MP's to promote he still can't quite bring himself to touch Bone and Hollobone with a shitty stick.

And this from a man who has made Nadine Dorries a Minister of State.