Gee Morrisons! Thanks a bundle!

News that Morrisons will allow limited parking for Boxing Day is warmly greeted on Poppynet

I don't get it?  By my reckoning it is fully 6 miles from the car park at Morrisons to Latimer Park!!!

Why people so happy and grateful for a 12-mile round trip on foot is totally beyond me.  I imagine most of us would rather walk from our homes than drive down town to Morrisons, only to then turn around and walk all the way to Burton Latimer.  Nuts!

Still, it beats chipping in even more to the police's Christmas holiday fund

Report on meeting of AFCR&D Poppies Transfers & General Player Registration Sub Committee

Friday 20th December

Meeting commenced 7.30PM.  All committee members in attendance.

Minutes of previous meeting, dated Thursday 19th December all re-read and agreed.


Points on tonight's agenda: -

(1) Chimdi Akubuine's proposed move to Nuneaton Town - passed with simple show of hands

(2) Deqwon Ebanks return to Tamworth - passed with simple show of hands

(3) Dubi Ogbonna's offer of Poppies contract.  The Committee voted unanimously to reject Poppies signing this player on a contract.  Letters of complaint to be forwarded to the usual bodies: -

• The Football Association
• The Southern League
• Calor Gas Ltd
• The  Non League Paper
• The Northants Telegraph
• All the people who contributed to the Poppies "Just Giving" site
• Father Christmas

AFCR&D Forum Sub-committee, Sub-committee to instigate additional threads, complaining bitterly that the Poppies are allowed to employ footballers to the usual forums, and under the usual pseudonyms: -

• AFC SCUM Forum
• Nationwide Conference Forum
• Southern League Forum
• UCL Forum
• Farm Animal Fondlers Forum

In addition, a vote was taken to add the following complaints about this player agreeing a contract to both the letters and the forums: -

• The Poppies shouldn't be allowed to exist
• The Poppies nicked Nene Park (which we didn't want anyway)
• The Poppies play in red, which they stole from us
• The Poppies play in a division above us, which is patently wrong
• The Poppies haven't really been in existence for 141 years - this is a lie!
• The Poppies never played League Football
• The Poppies are using all the money donated to sign players, rather than pay off our former owner.
• The Diamonds were NOT a rich man's plaything
• The Diamonds were formed before the Poppies
• The Diamonds did not fall because the Lord God Griggs stopped funding them
• The Diamonds did NOT go bust, paying their creditors nothing
• The Diamonds always wanted to play in the UCL.  In Wellingborough.
• Touching up relatives and livestock isn't always wrong
• Having one eye, in the middle of your face is not necessarily a sign of in-breeding

Meeting ended at 3.35AM on Saturday morning.

Next meeting later today at 3.30PM.  The AFCR&D fixture will need to be postponed so that we can sit around for several hours complaining bitterly about KTFC.  A club we've never played.

Item for discussion at next meeting - Poppies signing of Josh Moreman.  Meeting expected to last 5-6 hours.

Downtrodden Down Under

It seems that the England cricket team’s dressing room is not a happy place to be at the moment. There’s a lot of guys hurting in that dressing room, said player after player before, during and after the latest Ashes debacle. So much hurt and pain being felt, it must be terrible. Imagine a field hospital in the Crimean War packed with groaning casualties, but with a plentiful supply of energy drinks.

The Australians have hit England hard and often. It began before the squad even touched down, with merciless sledging by the Qantas cabin crew followed by a dull selection of inflight movies. Not even an 84 page dietary guide prepared by the backroom staff of, coincidentally, 84, was enough to equip the team to prevent phase two, kicking their arses on the field of play.  First the batting then the bowling then the fielding was ruthlessly dismantled.  With the series in the bag, the Aussies are now expected to have a go at the coaching staff, the PR guy, the bloke who puts out the cones and even the bus driver, who by the end of the 5^th Test will be so lacking in confidence, he can’t get out of the car park.

It’s all gone hopelessly wrong.  Swann, all round cheeky chappy and already talked of as a future team captain on every sports-based comedy show, found his usually reliable quips smacked into the stands by Australian batsmen who resolutely refused to find them funny.  Meanwhile KP was outsmarted by cunning field placings that placed 3 men in his favourite scoring area for lofted Hollywood shots. But that’s the way KP plays – see ball, hit ball, hit ball down fielder’s throat. How after a mere 100 Tests is he expected to counter such a fiendishly clever strategy, except by maybe hitting the ball somewhere else?

Then there’s the sledging.  Both sides do it, but it always sounds more threatening when delivered in an Australian accent. Somehow you can’t imagine Monty scaring opposition batsmen by threatening to piddle on them from a balcony. The quivering English players copped it from all sides. After Clarke warned Anderson to expect a broken arm if he stuck around, various ex players agreed that he had overstepped the mark. But not crossed the line. Obviously the line is somewhere different to the mark? In fact whilst the mark has been overstepped on other occasions too, so far the line remains uncrossed, even by Warner – who looks and sounds like Shane Warne’s idiot nephew, and seems to be on a mission to provoke the first punch up in Test history.

Where do we go from here?  Is time up for Jimmy and Swanny? Can Cooky and Broady recapture their form? Do we need to find a fresh crop of players with better nicknames?  Is growing a comedy tache the missing ingredient, and if so can we muster enough top lip decoration to be able to compete by the time it all kicks off again on Boxing Day?

 Please make it stop

Dubi Wonderla-and

On current evidence we had better make the most of Dubi while we can. A little over a week ago I’d never heard of him, in a week’s time he might be snapped up by someone in a higher league.  Certainly it seems only a matter of time if he keep racking them up.  What on earth was he doing at St Ives, the dictionary definition of football nowheresville. Was it some kind of community service?  Peter Morris took a chance on notably less talented players at Conference level.  Often.

But apart from this instant scoring sensation what of the Poppies at the moment? As a sporadic viewer lately, I tend to see them every few weeks.  Usually that means spending at least 20 minutes trying to work out who the five new faces are.  The turnaround of players at this level takes some getting used to.  The keeper is never the same, so I don’t bother with him.  Logan is the ginger nut, and Henry is Henry.  I had a handle on Brad as a tubby balding version of a guy who played for us 10 years ago, but then he quit in a strop over something.  Sometimes the substitute turns out to be a name I thought had moved on, only to be told that he did but he changed his mind last night or this morning or just before the team sheet was handed in.  Just as well the website is so out of date – keeping track of all these movements would be a full time job.   

But the main thing is that this player churn is building a stronger team.  The individuals change from week to week, but as a group they are getting better. A number of them now actually look like semi-pro footballers rather than ordinary guys who play a bit in their spare time. And then there’s Ogbonna, who looks like he could shoot us into the playoffs on his own if only we could hang on to him for a while.  Here's an idea. At every home game we have two bucket collections – one for ground improvements, and the other a Dubi retention fund which he can only claim at the end of the season or on reaching 50 goals, whichever comes first.

   

How a 70s disco icon might have celebrated claiming the match ball at Aylesbury

How exactly do teams at this level sign players?

There's lots of ill-informed back and forth in the media about the fact the Poppies are signing players, and wondering why these players should be allowed to be better than the ones we had previously.  The Non League Paper (AKA Never Liked Poppies) has been a platform for disgruntled supporters from clubs that have lost players to us, as well as a swathe of angry people, all, curiously, with NN9 postcodes.

But how exactly do players at this level move between clubs?  Well, basically everyone in the Southern League can move as and when they like, as is shown by this extract from the Southern League Handbook: -

Section 17, sub section 4.1.2.  Paragraph 2: -

"Any club can make a 7-day enquiry, in writing for any player at another club not employed under a permanent contract.

Except when clause 21.4 is enforced."


Clause 21.4: -

"When Kettering Town make a 7-day approach for a player, the following caveats must be observed.  No player to speak to Kettering Town FC until: -

(A) All of the supporters of the target club are canvassed for their opinions. This can be via the club website, or in the matchday programme.

(B) If any of the supporters donated to the Poppies "Just Giving" campaign they are to be contacted by the Poppies Chairman, in writing, 30-days prior to any approach.  They can summon the Poppies Chairman to a meeting at a location and date to be arranged.

(C) The Editorial committee at the Non League Paper must be informed in time for them to produce an anti-Poppies story for their next issue.

(D) The proposed approach for a player must be run past the AFC Rushden & Diamonds standing committee investigating on-going affairs involving Kettering Town FC.

(E) This committee has 60-days to produce it's findings to a quorum collection of associated Diamonds Soviets, ahead of their accumulated recommendations being voted upon at their bi-annual torchlight club rally .  The decisions of "Diamondnacht" to the debated by club members for up to 12-months on their online forum, AKA "What are the Poppies up to?"

(F) The population of Burton Latimer to attend a Council meeting where the proposed move is voted upon by a simple show of hands.  Zippy Zanger to wobble his jowels at this point.

(G)  The local Police can interject at this point, particularly if Christmas is coming up and they fancy a bit of a bung to help their seasonal fun go with a bang.

(H) The 7-day approach can now move to the next stage.  This assumes: -
            (i) All the supporters of the club in question are in agreement with the 7-day approach. 
            (ii) The Non League Paper can wring a couple move pages of Poppies-stirring dirt. 
            (iii) The residents of Burton don't vote the proposed move down.
            (iv) The Diamonds supporters can angrily beat themselves frantically off once more at the fact the Poppies survived when their own club was finished without anyone giving a flying f*ck.
             (v)  The Police have written themselves a hefty cheque on the KTFC chequebook.

Permission may be given at the discretion of the Southern League for KTFC to commence the initial paperwork for the Poppies approach.

(I) Once the requisite paperwork has been completed, then locked in an air-proof, lead-lined vault for 6-months, then removed and checked for any errors, inaccuracies or poor use of grammar, it can be forwarded to the target club for their perusal.

(J)  There now most commence a cooling-off period of no less than 2-years.

(K)  A cockerel must be sacrificed at the Southern League offices.

(L) All the relevant parties to be consulted one final time.  Any of them can black-ball the proposed move at this time.

(M) Assuming all the relevant permissions and forms are successfully lodged with the league, Kettering can make a 7-day approach.

(N) However, Kettering Town FC must under no circumstances offer the player more money than their current club, regardless of his level of earnings.  Or supply them with clean kit.  Or allow them to play if front of a larger crowd than he previously played in front of.

(O) If all is agreed the player may complete their move to Kettering Town FC just as soon as £10,000 bonds are lodged with the original club, the League, AFC R&D Finance Soviet, and the Non League Paper.

(P) The new Poppies player will be available for selection the following season after the receipt of all 5025 pages of the transfer documentation, completed in triplicate and translated into Sanskrit.  And verified by the League's legal team, as and when time allows.  Please allow 5-years for this process.

(Q) The player move can now be commenced, unless Kettering Borough Council want to join in at this juncture and piss all over the proposed deal.

(R)  Or Keith Cousins comes out from under his rock with his hand out again.

(S)  Ditto George Rolls.

(T)  Ditto Imraan Ladak.



(U)  Congratulations Kettering, you have signed your player!  Unless he has retired in the meantime.

Dubi Ogbonna - the gift from St Ives that just keeps giving!

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
F'kin 'ell S'Ives!!!!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

A big thank you to St Ives

"GRAAAGH!"
"C'mon S'Ives!"
"GRAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Dubi Ogbonna can't stop scoring for the Poppies.  4 in 2 games.

Thanks a lot St. Ives.  Appreciated.

I can't see the their fans taking the news well......