So, Brackley.....

Covid, weather and interest permitting we will shortly be locking horns with a team that The National League is determined to make us consider to be a "rival."

No matter how well this heavily-funded club does there is simply no way we will ever consider Brackley as more than a village team punching hideously above it's weight.  They are never going to be a force at this level.  Or a genuine rival.  Any club that celebrates being top of the table at Christmas by taking less than 50 fans to Boston for a festive fixture will never be more than a hobby club.

If they eventually get promoted to the National League top division they will be no more than an irritant until they are surely relegated.

So, let's at least give Brackley something to think about as they aim to blow their annual promotion chance yet again.

It's just a few little pricks....

Hot on the heels of Paul Cox mention that only half of our players have had any of the Covid jabs we have had another wave of infections crash over our club, effectively f*cking-up bumper-gated games over Christmas and New Year.  

These potentially money-spinning games will now (hopefully) become under-watched midweek games at some point later in the season.  I assume those player (s) who have brought Covid into the camp again will still be looking for their full financial whack when these games happen even though they have effectively cost the club a lot of money in lost earnings?

Whilst there's no certainty that an un-jabbed player has infected his colleagues who would bet against it?  

Why are footballers statistically less likely than the rest of us to vaccinate and protect themselves (and others) against infection?  The accepted historical perception of footballers is that they are not necessarily the brightest bulbs on the Christmas Tree.  I'm not sure this is true but surely it takes a special level of ignorance to not lessen the chance of yourself or loved ones falling unnecessarily ill?  Is it because they are young and fit that they feel they are in some way immune?  

Or is it because the average footballer spends 98% of their free time on social media where scientific truth and the random opinions of the tin-foil-hat brigade have equal weight?  There's certainly at least one prominent former Poppies player who uses Twitter to highlight his pig-ignorance with copious "evidence" gleaned directly from such august organs as DumbassConspiracy.Com and David Icke.co.uk.

How can it be fair that we might soon be in a position where supporters will have to prove they are fully jabbed to attend a game while half of the players blithely carry on without a care for themselves or anyone else? 

 

Thanks a bundle.....

A "Telford Day" for the 2020's.

Perhaps some of our readers of sufficient age and disposition recall when Patgod coined the phrase "Telford Day" as shorthand for a fixture where great anticipation was let down by a world-class under-performance and heavy defeat.  We used to experience them quite often.  Originally when the team ran the very real risk of accidentally winning the Conference and potentially meaning the the club directors might have to put their hands in their pockets to fund a Football League team.  And then, later on, a second variant of the term was used to celebrate classic meltdowns such as our first home league game with a new, upstart outfit hailing from a flood plain near the Nene....

A modern variant of the "Telford Day" is now threatening to become the Omicron for today - Coxy's seemingly-unshakeable belief that throwing Kyle Perry into a finely balanced game will actually achieve anything.  

Unlike most Poppies supporters Patgod actually believes that deployment of Perry can be a useful in a very limited number of scenarios.  It worked in the Trophy game at Leamington for example, as well as other end-of-match cameos.  Basically if you are chasing a game, and ideally the opposition are down to 10-men, by all means throw on the big fellah to mix it up a bit.  If you are confident the last few minutes of a game are going to involve nothing but us bombing crosses into the box by all means release the Kraken.

If not, sorry Kyle, but you are as much use on the pitch as any of us on the terraces are.

Telford yesterday was the latest example of Coxy's blind spot when it comes to Perry.  With McDonagh limping off with us 2-1 up and 25 minutes to play it was the perfect time to put on Powell or Ofosu, or both.  Those not at the game will have no way of imagining just how pitifully awful the Telford back four were yesterday.  Every time our attackers had the ball on the floor within 25 yards of their goal the Telford defenders (honest to God) fell over themselves or each other in a mass panic.  Powell warming-up, let alone being on the pitch would have made them literally shit themselves.

So, what do we do?  

We bring on Perry who spent the remainder of the game moaning, fouling, standing around and then giving the ball away in our box for Telford to equalise.  As much as it probably doesn't read it, we're not really blaming Perry.  He did what he does.  No, the blame has to fall squarely on Coxy's shoulders.  Faced with the choice of going for a third, fourth and then fifth goal (yes, Telford's defence was THAT bad) he went for the "safe" option of Perry and hoped to kill the game and hold out.  Even when we'd assisted Telford to their equaliser Coxy sat on his hands rather then call on any of our other attacking options (who had stopped warming-up some time earlier).  While the Telford bench were throwing on a succession of attackers to chase the draw then chase the win we did nothing other than somehow hope to hold out and perhaps pinch a winner.  

We have had very few games in recent seasons where a win had been offered to us so completely by an opposition that could neither defend nor attack.  That coming away from the New Bucks Head felt so much like a loss was shown at the final whistle where 90% of Poppies fans turned on their heels and were gone long before a bare handful of players came over to thank us for coming.

Plenty of better teams are going to spank us this season.  Badly spank us the way we often fall apart in the last twenty minutes of games.  We simply can't afford not gobble up three points when they are so easily placed in front of us, and claim a point gained is anything but an abject failure.

Crap day.  Pleasant sunset.

The 94th f**king minute.....

 

It feels as natural as breathing glass to want Morecambe 
to win a game of football, but I hope they smash Buxton today.

Bugger Non-league solidarity.

Bugger cheering the underdog.

We had those bastards on toast and let them get away.

94th f**king minute.....jeez!

Poppies Media? I shit 'em!

I don't suppose it's entirely fair for me to take so badly against the Poppies media duo for our football team's increasingly annoying performances on the road.  Hearing them describe the succession of away beatings we are finding ourselves on the wrong end off, to teams around and about us in the League is starting to get all of us down.  

Our inability to compete with teams who are effectively in the same boat as us is a depressing feature of a season that shows no sign of being rescued by Covid (c'mon Omicron!)  The recent performance at York City is excepted, but then again, I was at the LNER stadium for that game so didn't need to tune in to Poppies radio.  I wasn't forced to listen to Paul and Ed painfully describe us being put to the sword while offering nothing in return other than a bit of poorly executed kick and rush in the vague direction of Callum Powell.

Unfortunately I now associate Paul and Ed's voices with wobbly defensive performances and easy goals being shipped.  No matter what they do I'm afraid they now simply annoy me whenever I hear or even think of them.  Again, it's really not their fault, but I'm responding in a purely Pavolvian way to most things nowadays.

".....and that's another goal...."

Paul and Ed may be slightly cheered to know that they only in third place on my disapproval list at the moment.  They are still well behind anyone without a mask in a supermarket who squeezes and closely examines every piece of fresh produce, and the two nattering ladies who accused me of being rude for ringing my bell when I was cycling on a shared footpath / cycle lane that they had conspired to entirely block.  Or, as I now refer to those ignorant harpies, Paula and Edwina.....

The moment the rot set in

 A few weeks ago we were riding along on a very slight, but decidedly noticeable positive wave.  We had finally beaten bloody Leamington.  We had overhauled Spurs again as top all time FA Cup goal scorers.  We had just registered back to back home crowds of over a 1000.

But, at twenty minutes past four on Saturday 16th October it all started to go wrong.  Poppies-style wrong.

We were 2-0 up against bolshy Buxton and had spent the first fifteen minutes of the second half camped inside their penalty area. A combination of poor finishing, poor luck and a couple of great saves kept us from getting 3, 4 or more against the Derbyshire upstarts.

Then everything turned to sh*te.  

A few minutes later we'd gifted Buxton a way back into the game, then shipped a 94th minute penalty.  The Buxton gob-shite manager, in one of his last actions at the club, turned out to have called the tie annoyingly perfectly.  He said they'd draw at Latimer Park and spank us on their own heavenly pitch.  Which they did,  And did.

We followed up the spanking at Buxton with a dose of covid, allied with the upset of having the manager possibly leaving.  Then an abject surrender to Darlington where we seemed to want to prove all of our naysayers right by kicking every ball long and every opponent longer. 

Finally we manage to succumb to Scum-lite.  Sure, it's in a cup tie no-one was really interested in, but it's still a loss to the pointless ones from down the road.

So, the rot has set in.  Tomorrow we play at home to Blyth Spartans who have lost their last eight games to leave them second bottom of the League but perversely only three points behind us.  Nothing less than a win, and a convincing one will put us back on some sort of track.  Dropped points, or even, heaven help us, a defeat and it could shape the rest of the season.  Goodbye challenging for the Play-Offs.  Goodbye four figure crowds.  Hello rapid turn-around of players.  Hello season of struggle.

Until the next lockdown of course.....

Worringly, this may be how our strikers view the 
Spartan defence tomorrow....

Get your votes in quick!

 

Football Focus on BBC1 presently are looking for suggestions for a name for this brand new Kings Lynn mascot.  Patgod have helpfully suggested "Lynn-bred money-grabbing cunty-bollox shite-hawk" and look forward to seeing if our idea finds favour.....

It's the future....

 

What's the point of installing a 4G pitch
that comes complete with sluggish pace and bobbles?

Basically Latimer Park without the enticing chance
of a postponement after 30 seconds of rain.

Cox NOT out for the lads

The recent attempt by Telford United to dazzle Coxy with an offer of a big budget, big stadium and unnecessarily flat playing surface thankfully come to nothing.   Who needs cracking facilities and a pitch where you are able to take your eye off a rolling ball for more than a nano-second, when you can work somewhere with smell of roasting Weetabix always in your nostrils?

Not Coxy, that's for certain.  No, Paul has elected to remain with little old us and look to continue his good work here and see through our 30th 5-year plan.  At least until he loses half a dozen games in a row and is shown the door of course.

Find a sexier photograph 
on the Internet.  I'll wait....

Should we be surprised that Paul's efforts here have caught the eye?  Even the enormously evil "Sauron" eye of a club as mighty and merciless as Telford?   So, he hasn't yet turned us into a title-challenging outfit, or Play-off hopefuls or even, to be honest, a guaranteed top half of the table team.  But if he's done nothing else Paul has turned the Poppies from an easy mark, readily destined for a swift return to the Southern League into a stubborn bunch of bastards against whom you had better be ready to scrap.  And from the lofty heights of the boardroom at the Bucks Head such fighting qualities must look pretty damn seductive!  And, let's face it, as a manager Paul has, other than during the ill-advised spell at hateful Guiseley always been a popular and successful gaffer.

Now Paul has committed himself more securely to the club we can finally admit that it is slightly seductive to know that your Manager is actively craved by another club.  And, if anything, it's even more tantalising when he prefers us to them.  

Our managers being coveted by other clubs doesn't happen awfully often does it?  Supporting the club too late to have directly experienced the early 1970's "Big Ron-Hysteria", and not entirely understanding the "Mick Jones-Mania" I can't recall many times our Bosses have been objects of affection for other jealous clubs.

Sure, Alan Buckley was tempted away after a good half season got us dangerously close to promotion into the Football League, but who amongst us would have been able to resist the siren call of Grimsby?  Likewise, Mark Cooper, being only human, couldn't be expected to turn down the chance to briefly manage the Posh in between Darren Ferguson's 14th and 15th stints at the club.

Is that it in the past 40-odd years?  Have none of our multitude of our half-time tea cup tossers ever been tapped up by an unscrupulous Chairmen watching their own clubs sliding down their division?  Well, yes, Graham Carr was unsuccessfully chased by the Cobblers for a return to the County Ground once they saw what a good job he was doing at Rockingham Road but told them where to stick it.

And while Gary Johnson has subsequently carved himself a more than decent managerial career it is doubtful that his defeat-soaked tenure with us gained him many interviews.  

Marcus Law hasn't resurfaced despite winning a title with his last effort here.

Morrel Maison is undoubtedly still awaiting Imraan's one permitted daily phone call.

John Beck didn't find launching balls with the Poppies a successful platform to relaunch his managerial career.

It's unlikely his tiny yet ruinous time with us will cover many pages of Graham Westley's forthcoming autobiography, "All Roads Lead to Stevenage."

And Gazza isn't entirely certain he didn't actually manage Kidderminster....

Fitting Powell into the Poppies jigsaw

 You only have to watch Callum Powell on the ball for 5 minutes to realise we have snared a rare talent.  It's been a while since we had someone who could run with the ball and turn defenders inside out at will.

So what do we do?

Invariably we play him at the top of the formation and aim balls 3-feet above his head.  But comfortably at forehead height for the hulking defenders he is playing against.  Often we seem to waste his talents.  Rather than feed the ball to his feet 30-yards out and watch the clodhopping centre-backs fall over trying to keep up with his twisty-turning.  The problem is, it sometimes looks as though Callum seems to think we're wasting his talents too.  We've all seen him head straight for the tunnel at full time if things haven't gone his way.  This never goes down well with the faithful.  

As a Poppies player you can have a complete sh*t-shower of a game, but you can redeem yourself by taking 30 seconds out of your afternoon and applaud the supporters.  We're simple folk and easily placated.

What we don't like though is a player who we perceive seems to believe they are bigger than the team.  Disappearing on your own down the tunnel at full time with a face like thunder is a quick way of going from Poppies messiah to Poppies pariah.

And that would be a tragedy for us as we've got a real talent on our books, but an equal tragedy for Callum who could very easily become an all-time, bona-fide Poppies hero.

More togetherness, like this please!

It's up for grabs now

So we’re up to 899. Or is it 898? And are Spurs actually on 900 or does that include 3 hanging chads which the recount will strike out?  And would any of this matter if Sam Banya hadn’t spooned that sitter back over his own head, defying the laws of physics, motion and slapstick comedy.

What started as a statistical curiosity is increasingly defining us. It is after all a pretty amazing boast to have, or have had. All time FA Cup leading goalscorers. I will admit I have put it out on the table more than a few times, usually when confronted with incredulity at supporting such a crappy little club. It does tend to impress.  And to the occasional smart arse remark like, yeah, but you come in so much earlier than the big clubs, the obvious answer is, and we go out so much earlier too.

If we can just nudge slightly ahead, and Spurs resist dumping Nuno, the record could be back at Latimer Park for at least another season.  This could start to feel like the Ashes, with the urn changing hands every few years, but with one party supremely oblivious of the other party’s claim on the prize – very much like the Ashes!  

Do not sack this man. Yet. 

Sense of humour alive in Leamington

 2.20 and we enter the stadium to the strains of "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen.

Well, I laughed.....

Why we can't have nice things....

The numbers who voted on both the online polls shown here is a small but appreciable percentage of our current support.  If you ever ponder why we can't bring in better players, get promotion, or start building a new ground on Scott Road, perhaps these statistics will in some way provide an answer.....

Ah, that magical thirty minutes against Leamington.....

 A quick look at the past decade's results against Leamington makes for uncomfortable, almost Direones-like reading.  Over the eight games that makes up our modern history against the Brakes they have shaded the encounters by seven victories to zero, with a single draw.

But why?  What makes Leamington special?  Other than having us as their whippy boys?  I mean, the club isn't one of the old Football League dinosaurs who think they should be promoted simply because of who they used to be.  Or one of the bank-rolled, big-money nothing clubs who rocket through the divisions before exploding when the money is pulled.

No, they are simply a small, plodding, Midlands club quietly going about their business.  Just like us.  So why do they own our arse as though it is their personal property?  Bought and paid for.

Who knows.

Oh, sorry, were you expecting an actual answer?  Have you never read Patgod before?

This weekend Leamington stand between us and FA Cup glory and the chance to reel in Tottenham's goal scoring advantage over us ahead of them getting half a dozen plum home ties against lower league fodder in the later rounds.

Despite the abundance of evidence to the contrary we shouldn't fear Leamington.  They are just another team.  We've beaten bigger and better than them.  And if our players are nervous ahead of the match they'd do well to recall the thirty minutes between 7.59PM and 8.29PM on Tuesday 12 April 2016 when WE ACTUALLY HELD A LEAD AGAINST LEAMINGTON!!!

Poppies shaggy f*ckwit and future Leamington shaggy f*ckwit Liam Canavan had given us a shock lead against them in a Southern League Premier match.  And for fully 30 blissful, fun-filled, never-to-be-forgotten, glorious minutes we held a single goal lead over our newest Nemesis.

And then ex Poppy Courtney Baker-Richardson took a probably dodgy tumble in our box, the penalty was scored and our golden age against Leamington drew to a close.  It had been fun while it lasted.  We held on to the draw to put a massive dent in their otherwise perfect record against us, which must really grind their gears.....

Anyway.  I think we've proved they aren't entirely unbeatable....Good luck lads.

Liam's successful audition for his impending
move to Leamington.

Hand it over, hand it over

 

I've got 4 of the 5 numbers right on
today's Klondike draw and I reckon after
my well publisised bad luck and multiple
run ins with smug K*n S*muels this is
close enough.

Now, is Mick Coe still waiting by the exit
with my winnings?

Meanwhile, in the deep South West....

Village in darkest West Cornwall or the
newest addition to the Poppies starting XI?

You can decide!

 

Cox 'ready' for Sainsbury's test

Paul Cox says he is “fully prepared” for his weekend trip to Sainsburys. Cox’s pantry has run low on a number of essentials, but whilst “taking nothing for granted” the Poppies boss is confident of a successful visit. 

“We’ve prepared thoroughly and put in some really good work on the shopping list”, admitted Cox. “Do I expect some things to be out of stock? Yes, but we are learning how to manage those kind of situations and are improving all the time”.

“That’s what you want as a football manager”.

Cox’s last outing to the supermarket saw him successfully hunting for savings in the reduced items aisle, and he insists that his approach won’t change.

“I know I’ve got a budget and I’m happy to work within that. Other football clubs in this league can spend more, but to me it’s about getting the best out of the resources I have”. 

“I’ve learned that as a football manager”.

With a Nectar card and money back vouchers at his disposal for the first time this season, Cox admits he has some “big decisions” to make and may choose to keep the coupons for a future trip.  “It’s a selection headache – but it’s a nice problem to have” he revealed.  

And turning his attention to the checkout, Cox said he was monitoring the strength of his shopping bags. “We have one or two that are showing signs of wear, so if we need to bring in fresh bags we will change it up a bit”.

After some encouraging recent shops, Cox was keen to play down talk of stocking up for Christmas.  “We’ll continue to take it one week at a time. Some decisions will have to be made as we move forward as a football club, and I’ll talk to the chairman and the owner about that when the time comes”.

“I’m just focused on doing my job as a football manager of a football team at this football club”.

Better and better

Well this is weird. Only six games in and we’ve run the gamut from “it’s going to be a long season” to, um, whatever the opposite is.

To be fair, if you saw that opening day it was easy to be pessimistic. Decent first half, ugly second with the ball somehow staying out of our net and the counterpunch seemingly limited to Perry wheeled on to act like an immobile siege engine, flopping on defenders and protesting to the ref. Although we emerged with the 3 points it felt anything but hopeful.

Then came Gateshead, three down in 20 minutes and apocalyptic postings on KTFC chat. But we won the last 70 mins, technically. A small feat which now seems a bit more significant.

Home to Farsley. Already the mood was apprehensive, though the draw was encouraging and felt more hopeful than the previous win. Still we didn’t expect to get anything from the trip to Gloucester, with their full time squad and nice new stadium made out of haulage containers and rubber grass. Up against such talent, what option did our young team average age 17 have except to mercilessly bully them with brutal physicality and general dirtiness. Scandalously we emerged with a victory despite several Chinese burns going unpunished.

Would Fylde burst this developing bubble?  Would they 'eck, as we emerged with great credit from ending their 100% start, then another win at Guiseley which must be especially sweet to Cox, given their history, and tendency to trash him in public.

So here we are, only six games in but far from the easiest in this league, and enough already to feel very good about the way this group of players has coalesced into a team we would hate to face: all hard running, relentless pressing and led by an attacking livewire. And a beanpole who could be the next Peter Crouch, unless you prefer Jake Newman.

If you’re not excited, why not? On our resources this is already impressive, and if PC can keep this group together including the quality loanees Dyche and Neal, who knows. Happily for him, Dyche Jr looks nothing like his dad, though a future Poppies TV interview may reveal if he also sounds like he's gargling through gravel. 

Meanwhile poor Gloucester have lost again and are appealing to the European Court of Human Rights.  

C'mon Poppies Media - sort it out!

No more interviews with barely coherent, cliche-trotting players!

No more pre-match John Ramshaw cheery Geordie rambling!

No more post-match Paul Cox intense sensibleness!

No, we want more tasty gossip from old from ET hacks like this, spilling beans and rubbishing reputations from a bygone era.  

Hell, I don't mind if it eats into coverage of the game itself.  If Alan and David want to natter on when the game kicks off I'm happy to stick with them and pick up the match from start of the second half.  

It's not as if we do much for the first 45 minutes anyway!

Click here for fun for us oldsters!

I think we've finally found "H"

 

"PAUL COX: 🗣️ We were definately taught a lesson - I've learnt so much which may not sound much but it is a positive! I'm confident now what I need to do with shape, personel and how to take things forward."

Utterly expected news in from the distant future!

 

Job Vacancy - by Graham James

Kindergarden manager 

A vacancy has arisen to look after a group of youngsters, mainly on Saturday afternoons, but with occasional evenings, if we can get their parents’ permission, of course. 

It will mean keeping watch over them whilst they sit on a bench watching men kick a ball about. Whilst there you will helped by the teaching assistants Paul and John and probably a few others as well. After 45 minutes they will join the adults in a communal room where they will be entertained by Kyle the Clown and shown how to slide along the floor by Uncle Connor. Some of the kids may be asked to join in with the grown-ups on the field when the game is nearly finishing, but this may not happen very often it seems from previous experience.

Supervision will be required after they have finished watching as they may try to join the men in another building in order to have a drink. They must not be allowed in however until they look older.

They also may need supervision in getting home as they may not live in Kettering, as Kettering kids tend to watch games at Bugbrooke or Daventry instead.

Please apply using Tik Tok as this will be the main method of communication with the youngsters. An ability to dance poorly and rap is therefore desirable but not essential as training by Lil MC Cookie will be provided.

Here we go again folks!

In keeping with most recent Poppies pre-seasons we go from having two or three registered players the week before the season starts to having dozens of players signed on by the first Saturday.  Presently we have enough Connors, Kyles and Reece's to take a fair stab at launching a new Terminator franchise.

Also in keeping with the past few seasons I'm not going to bother trying to put too many names to faces among our new chaps.  There's no point really.  If this level of football has taught us nothing else it has taught us that players don't hang around too long if they aren't starting games and with our squad now numbering over 20 there's going to be a lot of disgruntled bench-warmers and even more disgruntled not-even-made-the-benchers.

Several of the players announced with fanfares this week will be history before September is out and before you know it we're playing a Tuesday away game in an unfriendly northern stronghold with only three named substitutes, including a couple of under-18 players.  A few weeks after that we'll no doubt start trawling for additional bodies.  Ah well.  At least some of them might achieve a fleeting Poppies-fame by appearing in KTFC programme quizzes in years to come.

Get those photographs in quick....

All Obituaried Out

It hardly seems possible that we’ve lost them both now, so close together. When players move on they somehow remain frozen in our mind the age they were - in Robbie’s case, what, early 30s? We knew next to nothing of his subsequent life as a chief scout, working with Moyes at Man United and West Ham. In our memories he was always the lethal and spiky cutting edge of the early Morris years. He came, he scored, he got a yellow for dissent. 

To a generation of Poppies fans Robbie was a hero – occasionally flawed - whose goals propelled us to the Fourth Round via an unforgettable afternoon in front of the MOTD cameras.  We were fortunate to have three seasons of a still deadly Robbie at the tail end of his career, and though I never saw Roy Clayton in his pomp, it’s hard to imagine that we have ever had a better finisher. Rest in peace Robbie, and please no more news like this for a very long time.

 

Perhaps it's time to stop digging?

 Surely nobody believes that the club's decision on season ticket renewals struck the right note.  Certainly no season ticket holder would, faced with handing the club hundreds of pounds for, effectively nothing.  One would assume even the club hierarchy might look back on how the renewal process was handled and wonder if it could have been done better and fairer.

At least one would have hoped so.

Stop Shovelling Whenever You're Ready.....

But, having read the latest "Poppies Voice" I fear that our Board is not only "not getting it" but actually getting further away from understanding the legitimate grievances ST holders are feeling.  Not only are these supporters bearing the entire financial brunt of last season's cancellation we now read that purchasers of the "Terrific Tuesday" three for two tickets offers from, we assume, 2 seasons ago will still have their purchase honoured in full.  Good for them I suppose, but it does seem to be another slap in the face for fans who stumped up hundreds of non-transferable pounds.

Loyalty is a finite resource in life generally.  Just ask energy, internet or telecoms providers.  Who only buys one brand of cereal for their entire life?  Or purchases their clothing from only a single brand?  But football is different.  With remarkably few exceptions, you don't change football clubs. Clubs benefit from an inordinate surfeit of loyalty.  Supporters will follow, defend and give a large wedge of disposable income to a football club that has done nothing other than share it's name with their place of birth!  

Is Kettering Town Football Club inherently special in any way?  No.  It is an entity that has, over the years, antagonised other local companies, broken contracts, made numerous enemies locally and further afield, and sh*t on it's own supporters plenty of times.  It should have gone to the wall for financial mismanagement more times than can be recalled. 

And yet, the club is still here, and so are we.  Loyalty?  Stubbornness?  Pure bloody-mindedness?  Take your pick.  We are all of these things.  And among the ranks of people who, for reasons they probably can't recall, still support this club, those who happily hand the club hundreds of pounds every season before a single ball has been kicked in anger surely must rank as the most loyal, stubborn, bloody-minded of all.

And what do these ST holders get for this investment?  First dibs on big match FA Cup tickets we'll probably never buy again.  Priority tickets for the next Latimer Park sell-out?  In reality the benefits are usually limited to getting through the turnstile slightly quicker and shaving a quid or so off the admittance fee.  Plus the comforting glow of feeling that by helping fund the club early on in the season we have, in some small way, done "a good thing".

The unspoken agreement is that we pay up front for a season's worth of football and the club treats us ever so slightly better than those fans who pick and choose when they attend.  Neither party is looking for anything more, but also, nothing less.

The Club have come dangerously close to breaking this simple reciprocal arrangement, but perhaps worse than that, they seem to not realise or more worryingly, care that this is the case.  Instead we are repeatedly told how many games last season we watched on our moderate streaming service, which far too often seemed to come with non-functioning zoom facilities.  AND we are now put on notice that should this season follow the same covid-disrupted pattern as last season even this patchy service won't be included within our ST purchase, and we would need to pay twice to see each fixture.

How about this Poppies board?  Count yourselves lucky any of us have renewed our season tickets this season.  Bank the money of the few more that may renew in the week leading up to the first league game.  But please stop trying to justify the fact that we've been screwed over.  I think most of us are willing to put this incident down as the only misstep of the current regime and move on.  We don't need to keep being reminded that we've been specifically targeted for this and potentially future shoddy treatment.

Poppies probably go close!

Ten Years On. Wow.

It's exactly 10 years since we trooped over to Nonce Park for the first time as tenants rather than angry visitors.  We were attracted in by the multitude of new signings, the new shiny facilities and obviously, the unmatched glamour of Irthlingborough.

It's fair to say the following 10 years have been diverting to say the least.  

We no longer play in a multiple million pound stadium, one promotion from playing in the Football League, under the guidance of a money-is-no-problem Chairman promising us the world.  No, these days we play on a bobbly field, with moderate but improving facilities under the measured guidance of a pragmatic Chairman promising us a carefully costed plan to inch our way to the top table of the National League at about the same time we will be writing a sequel article to this in another 10 years time. 

I know which plan looks the better bet.

Below is a link to a short piece we wrote 10 years ago on the eve of our first Nonce Park home league game against Newport County.  Looking back, we're ever-so-slightly proud that we managed to keep our feet on the ground and just about remembered to act like proper Poppies supporters and find the whole spectacle a little bemusing.....

Nonce Park - here we come!

What the f*ck did we all think would happen?

A Long Hard Season in Prospect.....

 .....one home friendly in and I know a season of strife lays before me.

First Klondike draw.
Five out from winning ticket.
And so it begins.

See you when the season starts!

 As the strangest pre-season for many a year wends it's merry way to the start of a new season it is good to see that nothing much changes.  Elements of our support are already losing their collective sh*t because the club haven't announced a raft of new signings.  As usual.  Of course, the situation hasn't been helped this season by the lack of a single home friendly for us to run our jaundiced eyes over the latest crop of Poppies-wanabees.  You know.  Those games you hate attending, but feel you're missing out on when we don't have any.

Pre-season games are only good for watching trialists sweating their bollox off, seeing the pitch look almost playable and usually a goal of the season contender.  Once upon a time there was the odd game against a club sufficiently high up the footballing pyramid that you ACTUALLY RECOGNISED AN OPPOSITION PLAYER FROM THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE SHOW!  Alas no more.

Beyond that, the games have no interest to the average punter.  A hundred triallists trying to fool the club management that they hadn't spent the summer eating kebabs and drinking literally any liquid with even the most tangential relation to an alcoholic beverage.  Joined by the few players from last season who hadn't managed to double their wages elsewhere with a move to a lower league team being bankrolled into future oblivion by a local spiv.

Between these two groups of players Paul and John will fashion a squad to start the season with.  And then obviously augment rapidly as Autumn approaches and we're not exactly pulling up many Conference North trees....

Looking forward to it already!

We've all had good Summers...

His name was Ernie...

We’d heard he was ill, but even so it came as a jolt to hear he’d passed, really quite young at 71 and a shudder of mortality for those who saw him play.

It’s a pleasure to be among those who did. When Ernie came to the Poppies in the autumn of 1988, he was already pushing 39, long after most pro footballers have hung up their boots. He had nearly 250 League goals across 750 appearances and was a legend at his home town club of Chesterfield. Did he imagine when joining us that it would be anything more than a twilight season before retirement?  Maybe not.  But it was.     

Ernie made a massive impact in that first year, providing buckets of old-pro calmness and expertise which more than offset his diminishing mobility. Through that classic FA Cup run he was there again and again at key moments. In our mind’s eye and YouTube we’ll always have that little lay off to Robbie to set up the winner v Bristol Rovers, the winner at Halifax in the replay, and then the moment that is probably the most distorted in Poppies folk memory. Last minute at Selhurst Park, Ernie doesn’t quite convert what would have been a joyous equaliser. It almost shaved the post… it did shave the post… the post was shaved closer than a man can get.  In at least one telling, the shot struck the post, dribbled agonisingly along the line and was hacked clear.

In that first season Ernie did more than enough to continue into 1989/90, where my main memory of him is his enduring fitness, and ability to win free kicks. Ernie would go down, looking a little pained. The referee blew. Harry Kane does it now, but with less finesse. By now Ernie was so ancient that a disrespectful newly launched rag tried to mine comic material from his extreme old age in all kinds of clunky ways.

In 1990/91 Ernie had moved on, with grateful thanks for his service.  We thought we’d seen the last of his durable contributions until, despite sitting on top of the Conference with a 10/12/15 point lead (depends on alcohol level when discussed), Peter Morris made a shock addition to our squad for the New Year’s Day return at Boston. Ernie Moss, former League striker, ex-Chesterfield. Now in his 42^nd year. Of course he came on and bundled in a late winner. We loved him then and we love him still.

Sleep easy old friend

Not Quite the Ticket

 It's now been a few weeks since the Club's "offer" to existing season ticket holders was announced to less than universal acclaim.  This was the deal where having been allowed in the stadium for all of 2-games last season at a cost of £110.00 per visit (almost like being a Spurs fan...) the club still wanted a substantial wedge this season to continue to attend.  Whilst other clubs were carrying over season tickets from last season or asking for a token amount, we are looking to charge at least £150.00 or as much as £207.00 to add this season's 21 games to last season's 2.  This means someone who purchased a season ticket for this and last season will be paying over £16.00 per game.  Assuming they attend EVERY game.  

Such was the initial, universal outcry against the unfairness of this "offer" I think we all expected our officials to at least ask themselves had they dropped the ball in this instance.  Perhaps check their working out to see if they had in fact come up with a deal that didn't purely benefit the club at the entire expense of their staunchest supporters.

But no, nothing more has emanated from the club.  No review.  No better offer.  Not even a news story to tell us the offer had been reviewed and stood as is.  Nothing.

We can't help thinking the club is shooting itself in the foot.  At the same time as the club was seeking to shake-down it's season tickets it also got involved in an ugly, public spat with BM Pallets who had been the main club sponsor for several years.  It seemed like a return to the ugly-Ladak days that the club seemed to alienate their hardcore supporters and a loyal local sponsor at the same time.  And so unnecessary.

It would be interesting to know how many season ticket holders have yet to renew for the forthcoming season, given this, and the unknown situation.  I know I haven't done it yet.  I probably will, and more than likely most others will.  But, how many non-renewing ST holders will it take for their absence to hit the club?  Without their season ticket will an appreciable number of supporters pick and choose their games more?  At what cost to the club's coffers.

As said, I will probably renew my ticket.  I'd like to say I would do this out of loyalty to my club, but I fear this time it's as much to do with not flushing down the toilet the £220 I handed over last season. If we choose not to renew our season tickets we get nothing for our previous payment.  This means that if a season ticket holder from last season doesn't renew, but still attends all the games this coming season they will end up paying an eye-watering £21.00 per match.

Again, shades of the Ladak-era.  Not exactly what the club have been striving for I should imagine?

How much more English can I get?

 

How much more English can I get?  Try this....

I pissed myself laughing last night when the image of stoic Gary Von Kemp consoling his devastated daughter at Wembley flashed up on the telly.

Now, less than 12 hours later I feel awful that seeing this bawling Bavarian bairn caused me such hilarity.

Being cursed with English self-effacidness and crippled by the need to 'do the right thing' Patgod hereby apologises unreservedly to the teutonic tyke and has, by way of recompense purchased a 10 copies of 'The Best of Spandau Ballet.'

Ta Ra. For now.

 The news that pint-sized midfield hardcase Michael Richens had left us for the even more dismal environs of St Ives was, seemingly, accidentally announced at Saturday's fans forum by Paul Cox.

Paul seemed to believe we had all been privy to the behind-the-scenes contract shenanigan free-for-all that passes for a quiet close season at Latimer Park and already knew our former captain had left us.  Guess again Paul!  

I'm disappointed Michael has slipped away as he was showing serious signs of adapting to this level.  And, given the number of borderline psychos on our books last season he also looked to be an increasingly level-headed influence on the park.  He had been an integral part of the squad that had got us back into National League North but seemed to spend too much of the past two, curtailed seasons trying to prove his worth to the managers.

At least Coxy gave him a chance.  Something Eaden didn't feel inclined to do.  No sooner had Nicky joined the club than Richens was loaned out to Nuneaton, probably to make room for the quality raft of midfield signings Eaden was lining up for our tilt at a straight return to the Southern League.

Michael racked up an impressive 130 games for us in his time here and we all have many memories of his contributions over that time, and no, they weren't ALL yellow cards!  Three particular recollections spring to my mind.  In no chronological order, and with very few extraneous details, of course.

I remember one game where the forgotten opposition had an absolute slab of man-mountain winning headers for fun against our scared centrebacks.  I don't know if Michael was directed by the Management or took it upon himself to man-mark this freakish giant, but soon he wasn't having it all his own way. Michael got right in his space and challenged him in that special way that smaller guys with a great spring do.  Soon he was out-jumping and out-scrapping this colossal lump to such an extent that our opponents had to find another way of humbling our defenders. 

Another great moment for Richens was his world class goal at Stratford a few seasons ago where he cracked a thunderbolt from fully thirty yards that, had it not hit the back of the net would probably still be going now.  Unfortunately no recording exists of this goal, partly because Stratford didn't film the game (Micky Mouse club!) and partly because it was so cold that day that no-one took their hands out of their pockets to point a camera phone at the pitch.  The goalie too might as well have had his hands in his pockets for all the chance he had of stopping the unstoppable.

My third, abiding memory of Michael came, effectively, just moments before the end of his Poppies career.  It was on or about the 90th minute of the Leamington farce where we were all watching the horror unfold, hour after hour on our television screens from the comfort of our own homes.  If you recall (!) we were shipping goals and players at roughly the same speed and our third early-bather of the evening was heading towards the rapidly-filling dressing room.  

At the bottom of the screen Michael seemed to sum up the utter frustration we all felt.  As the ref reached for his still-warm red card for the third time Michael moved towards him to try to diffuse the situation.  As the card was raised and the player trooped off Michael threw his arms in the air and glowered with rage, frustration and resignation in a matter of moments.  I've never seen a player so completely demonstrate what I myself was feeling.  He was showing the impotent fury we were all feeling and anytime a Poppies players shows that kind of empathy you can't help but warm to them.

All the best Michael.  Till next time!

Oi, Green!

 Well, after last night's "clash" Alan Green, we hope you're f@cking happy now?

http://patgodonline.blogspot.com/2011/11/who-will-rid-me-of-this-turbulent-alan.html?m=0

End of an Era

Such has been the outpouring of tributes to Brett as his 18-year playing association with the Poppies was finally ended, there’s probably nothing we could say that hasn’t already been said. 

The span of his career is remarkable – there are millennials who have never known a time pre-Brett.  He made his debut before Facebook was a thing, the first celebrities were stranded in the jungle, and Jimmy Anderson had taken a Test wicket.  Despite never playing up front except in the odd case of game-chasing desperation, he scored well over a century of goals. Across 598 games, no one ever said “Solkhon didn’t look bothered today”. 

At a future new stadium on the edge of town, there will be a stand waiting to have his name on it.  It’s even ok to admit that he also played for Rushden & Diamonds.

So we’ll leave the accolades to others and turn instead to the urgent issue we now face.

Namely, who is now Mr Kettering?

Like Father of the House, the title Mr Kettering is traditionally bestowed on the longest serving member of the staff. Unlike Father of the House, it doesn’t carry any parliamentary privileges, though does scan better in a chant.

Past Mr Ketterings included of course the likes of Craig Norman, Dougie Keast and Phil Brown in recognition of their years of loyalty, consistency, and ability to survive the annual churn of players at our level. At the other extreme, I’m pretty sure Pat Noubissie was once Mr Kettering for a day, when he was the only player on the pitch at Steel Park who was on our books a few weeks earlier.  

On reviewing our shrinking retained list, there are really only two candidates.

Michael Richens - Richo first played for the club in 2015 and has been here (mostly) since 2017. He is always up for the fight, pops a few in from 30 yards and enjoys letting opponents know he’s there. This also means that he is usually racking up the Nectar points towards his next suspension. Can you be Mr Kettering if often sitting out another ban in the stand? Discuss.

Gary Stohrer - A Poppies stalwart since 2017, not always first choice in that time but seems to be improving with age. Has the indefinable quality of never getting slagged off. Surely destined to one day get a midweek testimonial against a Leicester City XI if someone can pull a few strings.

It has to be Gazza, which hopefully is not the kiss of death and we read next week he’s moved to Brackley.

 Gary when he was just Master Kettering

Those were the days....

 I hope that you, like me, have been enjoying "The Big Match Revisited" on Saturday mornings on ITV4.  They are presently showing games from the 1979-1980 season, which is absolutely prime Soccer Panini Sticker Album territory for those of us born in the mid 60's.  All those memories brought back to life.  Certain player stickers you could never track down and those player stickers you seemed to have in every pack you bought - yes, I'm looking at you Des Bloody Bremner!

Heaving non-socially distanced terraces, tasty non-socially distanced tackling and top division playing surfaces that make Latimer Park look like Wembley - ah yes, "The Big Match Revisited" is a refreshing blast from the past.  A past that in many ways was a far more innocent time.  Big bald Brian Moore held the programme together and answered viewers letters on air.  But, not only did Brian read aloud and answer the letters, he also gave out the writers full name and full address.  Live on air!  Can you imagine that happening these days?

Being the 1979-80 season we also get to see a number of the old stadia we remember seeing as kids.  No new grounds and certainly no all-seaters back then.  I imagine the newest ground back then would have been built several decades earlier.  Other than the odd lick of paint and the occasional new toilet cake none of these grounds had materially changed since the days when Adolf Hitler was getting ideas above his station.  And some of these grounds didn't change much in the decades ahead.  Nine years after this game at Selhurst Park we also filled this exact piece of crumbling terracing.

"The Big Match Revisited" didn't just concentrate on the, well, Big Matches, but also showed games from all four divisions.  This week we saw footage of the 4th division clash between Walsall and Peterborough, a game full of Poppies connections.  Both managers were future Poppies dug out dwellers - Alan Buckley for the Saddlers and Peter Morris for the Posh.  Recent Poppies departee Billy Kellock pretty much won the game single handed for Peterborough with a couple of goals, assisted with a third goal from future Poppies pie-eater - Micky Gynn.  And another future Poppies, er, on-pitch signing, Phil Chard weighed in with a good attempt on target.

Added to the usual sightings of Steve Daly and Dennis Mortimer there's enough here to make Poppies fans of a certain vintage tune in every week.

King Billy Kellock

Hungry Micky Gynn

The Invisible Man Phil Chard

Grumpy but pondering.....

It strikes me the club have the solution to the problem of season ticket renewals in their own hands.

Their ideas have merit.  They've simply pitched them at the wrong level.  Instead of a 50% reduction for one season or 35% off for two seasons, make the percentages 75% and 50%.

Even basing the discounts on the dodgy formula of 21 x £15 (£315) rather than the £270 cost of an actual season ticket, the put-upon punter has these options -

One season discount price - £79

Two season discount.  Next couple of years ar £157 per season.

These prices would be a lot fairer, and would generate a lot of goodwill within the fanbase, which invariably means we are more disposed to spend our money at Latimer Park anyway.  

With better marketing the club should make all this and more back through the new commercial lounge.  It's a great facility which, i fear, most supporters still aren't fully aware of.

And, if the club truly have a lot of season ticket holders who are willing to write off last season and pay full price again, they win again.  Fair play to anyone who thinks this way and has the finances to back it up.

David and crew, it's back to you....

Older and Grumpier

Gauging what to do with regard to Season Tickets for the coming season was never going to be easy for the club.  But surely the Board could have come up with something better than this?

The bottom line is that for a payment of £220 last season a season ticket holder got to attend league games at Latimer Park twice.  Four more games via our variable streaming service is neither here nor there.

Of course the situation that developed wasn't the club's fault, but neither was it the supporters'.  Yet the supporters, particularly those who pay in advance, are going to be left disgruntled by the club's actions.

The two options the club has given season ticket holders certainly couldn't be called "generous".  50% off for one season, or 35% off each season for two seasons.  Not exactly giving much back there.  Particularly when one realises that 50% off ISN'T 50% off the already hefty £270 season ticket cost.

No, in a move of Macivellian scheming even Boris Johnson would consider untoward, a renewing Season ticket holder won't get 50% off the season ticket price as they might expect from the initial wording of the "offer."  No, they would instead receive a 50% reduction on what they would pay if they paid on the gate 21 times next season.

So, instead of getting a moderate rebate of a 50% of £270 and paying £135, the much abused season ticket holder gets a 50% saving on 21 × £15.  Meaning they will be paying 50% of £315.  Which is £157.

The same, twisted logic is used on the second option offered.  35% off the £315 figure rather than the £270 one.

If you added the £220 paid last season to the £157 required this season and divide by 23 (2 games last season and 21 this) the put upon ST holder will be paying just over £16 per game.  Hardly much of a deal.

Even if the club offered an actual 50% reduction on the season ticket price one would still average over 15 quid over the course of the 23 games.  Again, scarcely the bargain of the century.  And that's assuming you want or can afford to buy another season ticket.  Because if you don't or can't, well you get sweet f.a.

I genuinely cannot fathom how the club has managed to drop the ball so badly on this one.  One almost wonders if Imraan was consulted for old times sake to come up with these numbers and this shoddy offer.  Will the club look again at this?  Frankly, they should.  And quickly.

So old and grumpy nowadays

 I'm not entirely sure when I graduated from thrusting, youthful firebrand to boring old fart but I fear it was quite a while ago.  I should have noticed the mounting evidence over the years.  I suddenly felt the need to have a special thick pair of socks and gloves for matches held during the colder months.  I somehow acquired a flask for a nice cup of warming tea.  A hipflask manifested, comfortingly in my inside pocket.  

Players stopped being older than me.  They were the same age as me.  Then younger than me.  Then young enough to be my offspring, or even my offspring's offspring.  Then Managers went from being old men to being the same age as me to being younger than me.  It's also happened to club Chairman for crying out loud!

But the most telling sign of advancing years is that whenever you see a new Poppies kit the immediate reaction is to roll your eyes and declare it the worst kit ever.  And to prove it, this is just what I have done!

I mean, c'mon....the red kit's design makes it look like it's been repeatedly run over and I'm pretty sure we might be looking at another "PHS" kit malfunction where the red looks far pinker under floodlights.  And then the sponsor logo charmingly throws a bit of unwelcome green into the proceedings.  Which brings me to the away version, where we are making the (probably correct) assumption that none of our rivals are going to be pedantic with their choice of keeper's kits?  There's two main reasons no-one wears green.  It's  widely acknowledged by colourologists to be the least happy of colours.  And you tend to blend in with the playing surface.  Reasons enough to be wary when you already have players who can't spot each other with simple passes.....

Nice lads.  Naff kits

Congrats to Broadchurch

No post for a month, and then two in a day.  We're spoiling you.  

Well done to Broadchurch for the demolition of spineless Hereford who tried to hide behind their one goal lead for almost the entire Trophy final.  Hereford haven't been that meekly cowardly since Russell Slade single-handedly got a game called off at an admittedly damp Latimer Park to save his job for another week. Spoiler alert - it didn't work and he was signing on the dole just a few days later.

Anyway, Hereford, you a bunch of big-time bottling Charlies, and Broadchurch, well done.  Particularly after you've had your recent troubles.

Well done chaps

Finally Final Day

Well, folks, it's finally FA Trophy final day.  We're not entirely sure how it's happened but apparently the Poppies WON'T be part of the showpiece event.

We're as shocked as you are.  Like you, we assumed that every 21 years we troop down to North London to wonder how we lose a Final we dominate.  Regular as clockwork.  

We've checked back and apparently we were knocked out of the Trophy back in January by our newest bogey team - Leamington.  No, we can't remember the game either despite it featuring front and centre on the club website for a FULL FOUR BLOODY MONTHS!

I guess the game has been scrubbed from our collective memories.  It must have been a dull, nondescript affair.  Not a game featuring failing Leamington floodlights (again), us shipping three goals and three players and ending not short of midnight.....No  don't recall any of that.

Well, whatever happened, two clubs have somehow managed to keep enough players fit and paid since January to reach today's final.  Our old, entitled friends from Hereford will be playing Hornchurch.  Or, as the media should be screaming - "Former Poppies 'keeper takes on former Poppies boss!"

That's right folks.  It's the big one.  The clash of former Poppies titans we've all been waiting for.  In the blue corner it's Skinny, bearded, MacGregor-strutting Paddy, Paul (Whiplash) White.  In the red corner it's baldy, CVA- blocking (Miserable) Mark Stimson.

But Patgod,  we hear you ask, with both teams boasting a Poppies connection, who should we be supporting in the final?  Well, we had some great days with Whitey between the sticks, but he has since joined up with the biggest cocks in non-league.  And Stimson?  He was our unfortunate manager during an impossible period, but he did try to prevent our survival by challenging the CVA.

Tricky.  Can you want both teams to lose?  Sure you can.  We're Kettering supporters after all.  We have enough bitterness to go around....

Go team Whitey!

Go team Stimson!

Fame at last. Kind of.

As the few shops we have left in Kettering are starting to reopen we could all find ourselves in the Newland Centre more often.

When moving between HMV and, er, another store, you might very well come across a display case decked out with Poppies memorabilia from past decades.

It was heartening for us to see, among the treasured items from our, ahem, illustrious past, an old issue of Patgod, proudly front and centre to catch the eye of the shopping public.

Dated from the very early 1990's when we had literally just watched, goggle-eyed, Mark English being driven away by the Old Bill, any glow of pride at seeing this blast from our past was tempered by the thought that this issue was almost 30 years ago.  Suddenly the inclusion of an issue of Patgod seemed to fit in with the historical aesthetic the Newland Centre was aiming for.  An oldie, but a goldie.

Original issues from this period rarely change hands.  If you were lucky enough to stumble a collector willing to sell a copy you may well have to shell out up to the original purchase price of 80p add this artifact to your collection of prized possessions.

Coming soon, to a particularly moderate episode of Antiques Roadshow near you.....