The bums the bums are squeaking

It's time to address the issue of the day.  Are we at the point when bums become squeaky? Or are we merely squeaky bum adjacent?

Bums were definitely on the edge of doing something even worse with 93 minutes on the clock against Telford. Up to then this had felt like a classic ‘day we blew the league’ much familiar in decades gone by. Salvaging something from the game felt about as likely as a clothes horse winning the Grand National. But seemingly untainted by the all round mediocrity he'd spent most of the previous 45 observing from the sidelines, Kai burst through to smash a stunning equaliser and abruptly silence the Telford end.

Can we now agree that Kai absolutely has to start every game if fit? And Nile too? Bringing Nile on as a late sub has now delivered two crucial assists in four days to keep our hopes alive, whereas Edwards has forlornly ploughed on, seemingly destined to never get a decent shot off again.

A whole blog could be devoted to the question of what has happened to Jonny and we all have our theories. To see Telford’s rampaging no.9 in action was to realise what we have been missing. If it’s just a confidence thing, we must hope that it will only take one scuffed effort that sneaks in to spark him into life. A resurgent Jonny, bullying the relatively easy pickings to follow after Stamford, could get us over the line.

With four teams almost tied on points this is effectively a mini league that will be won by whoever can avoid screwing up the most. There will be surprise defeats and contenders will take some points off each other. On paper our run in after this weekend is eminently winnable, except we have made hard work of beating middling teams. No one has a clue what will happen.     

A few weeks ago, it seemed likely that 80 points would be enough to win this league and that still seems probable. For us that means five wins, or maybe four wins and two draws. Can we afford another loss?  Seems not, but who knows in a division which is either ridiculously competitive, or lacking consistent quality, or both.

It would be ironic would it not, if after 42 games we think back to the very first, when we battered Halesowen in the second half but couldn’t quite salvage a draw.

But enough pessimism – people don’t read this blog for that kind of thing!   

Leave early?  Not a chance!

Suddenly, a 3-hour coach trip to Lowestoft is losing it's glamour

The club can confirm the departure of attacking midfielder Isiah Noel-Williams with immediate effect. Isiah made 35 appearances for the Poppies scoring 11 goals, most notably against Farsley Celtic and Doncaster Rovers in the Emirates FA Cup and 3 goals in his last 4 games for the club. Despite on-going contract negotiations before Christmas, the player has decided to leave to pursue other opportunities. The club thank Isiah for his contribution to Kettering Town FC.  

And with that blandest of bland statements one of the best players to pull on a Poppies top in recent years simply drifts out of Latimer Park.  A few weeks ago a midfield that could call upon a number of quality line-ups including the likes of Gary Stohrer, Dan Jarvis, Isiah Noel-Williams, Devon Kelly-Evans, Andy Thanoj, Kai Fifield, Luca Miller, Tyree Wilson and Wes York has been, by departures, injuries and mind-boggling loanings been much reduced.  Hopefully Andy, Tyree, Wes and the two new anonymous midfielders who have barely registered in my consciousness are able to turn our season around again but they are showing no signs of it.

Our FA Cup run truly seems to be the dividing point in our season.  Now, I wouldn't swop that afternoon at Sixfields for ANYTHING, but, it has to be said, that the end of our FA Cup story has seen us fall apart.

Since losing to Doncaster we've managed to win just 7 of our 17 league fixtures, losing a further 7.  And of those wins there were barely deserved wins against Sudbury and Leiston, who both must still be scratching their heads at how we escaped from Suffolk laden with maximum points.  Plus squeaky bums wins over Alvechurch and Bishops Stortford.  

Compare that to where we had, up to and including the Cobblers game, won 9 league games and 4 FA Cup games in a row.  And not just won them.  We had wiped the floor with most of our opponents.  We had been nothing short of imperious.  Other teams couldn't live with us.  The win at Telford in particular was so intoxicating that it had me giddily reaching for the phone to text the missus that, "....I think I might just have seen the Champions tonight...."  Ahem....

So, what happened to turn us from a team strolling to a title win to a team struggling to register attempts on goal, while seemingly conceding goals every time the ball is thrown into our penalty area?  Post TV coverage blues?  Perhaps.  Pitches getting heavier.  No doubt a factor.  

But it's been clear from what we have all seen and heard that the main problem has been players letting their standards drop and a Manager unable to coax them back to previous levels without personally falling out with them.  Suddenly a happy, large squad is reduced to a small, struggling rump of players where we can't put a run of wins together, niggly injuries and bans are shagging us and we've even managed to neuter the guaranteed goal-scoring beast that is Johnny Edwards.

Ironically, if we win all our remaining 9 games no-one can catch us.  We win the League.  But no-one is seriously considering this even for a minute.  Instead we are starting to worry about staying in the play-offs.  The win over the Cobblers seems to have been the turning point of our season.  Curiously, since that defeat the Cobblers have been making a decent fist of survival in League One.  Odd that they might end this season happier than us.  Who would have thought that as we filed, beaming with joy, out of Sixfields just a few months ago?

Just down the A6.
You can't miss it.

Honestly, NOT a moan. Well, perhaps a bit of one....

So, what did we learn from the latest Fans Forum?  Lots of positive news about the club moving forward as a whole.  The best news being the imminent completion of a 50-year lease at Latimer Park, which kind of slid past without much further comment.  This is potentially monumental news.  With such a period of secure tender the club can truly invest in facilities such as additional terracing / seating as well as 4G training pitches and even qualify for previously unavailable grants towards such work.

George fielded the usual questions about relocating back into Kettering and straight-batted these as everyone has done for the past dozen years.  We all know there's literally no room within Kettering's current borders for a new stadium.  We might well end up 2 1/2 miles from the centre of town rather than 3 miles as present.  And pay millions for the privilege.  Frenchies Field is not the answer and I'd like someone in authority to finally nail that white elephant of an idea.

As we all know, everything in football, and life, costs money and the top table was straight with us that if we wanted better facilities, better players and better standards of football it would cost.  While we all kind of know this economic trade-off and our place within it, a few comments nagged away at me enough to mention them here.

At the risk of drawing George's ire again, he still wasn't entirely clear what the situation presently was in relation to our use of Alumasc's carpark.  Are we supposed to be paying?  Is it a voluntary contribution?  Still don't know.  What he WAS clear about was that next season we WILL be paying to use the facility, with, apparently, Alumasc's approval.  If this is the case I hope a method of paying is employed that is more efficient than a bucket collection as queues of traffic down Polwell Lane won't please the locals!

It was also stated that future Season Tickets won't be as good value as this season's one was.  I've got to say, this miffed me a bit too (perhaps I'm easily miffed?)  Poppies Season Tickets have always been notoriously shoddy value, other than the give-away season when Ladak led us a merry dance down to Nonce Park.  We have often looked at other clubs and envied their cracking offers and worthwhile "Early Bird" deals.  And then our ST offers were announced and you realised that if you were unlucky to miss a couple of games over the course of the entire season you pretty much paid more per game to attend than if you just rocked-up on the day.  And, the "benefit" of getting first dibs on tickets for BIG MATCHES was a moot point for much of the past dozen seasons!  And then there were the curtailed Covid seasons where ST holders missed out big time and had to suck it up.

This season's Season Ticket was an enjoyable "perfect storm" where the Management Team looked at what other clubs did with their "Early Bird" offers and, for the first time, made a similar offer to long-suffering Poppies fans.  Nothing special.  Just comparable to other clubs at our level.  And then we had a great cup run and, finally, a ST that counted for something!

By marking our card about new season's Season Ticket prices at this time, I was left with the feeling that the club somehow thought we had got away with something this season and not to expect such generosity again.  Perhaps I'm being too thin-skinned about this but we fans don't set the prices.  We just pay them.  Whether it is the highest admittance charge and highest beer costs in this division, we already shell out.  

Are we being told that the season ticket prices that THE CLUB SET was somehow unfair to the club?  I'd hate to believe so....

Will the 2024/2025 Season Ticket prove
to be the high watermark of Poppies value for money?

A win is a win is a win.

Why is it that after so many Poppies-watching decades we're still surprised when the last dozen games of the season suddenly appear as if out of nowhere?  And now, from out of a clear blue sky, here we are again.  Seemingly for months we've been stuck in a mid-season malaise of cancelled fixtures and grubby defeats, and now, BANG, we're staring down the barrel of rounding the final bend, hearing the bell for the 15th round within sight of the 18th hole (if you will excuse my mangled sporting metaphors).

Anyone looking at the title race from the outside would still have us pegged as slight favourites.  Obviously, having watched us change post FA Cup run from free-flowing footballing Gods into stumbling, shot-shy, defeat-fodder, we Poppies fans are unlikely to agree with this generous assessment.

But, in the final analysis, we are, despite a number of underwhelming performances in recent months, still in with as good a shot as anyone else to stumble to a title that seemingly no-one wants to clinch.  So far this season, nothing has guaranteed to bring on a run of bad form quite as certainly as going to the top of the table.

Despite jettisoning and loaning out entirely fit players only to pack our substitute bench with varying levels of crocks, we are grinding out just enough points to keep us all invested in a season that was showing every signs of developing full-blown post FA Cup blues.  Case in point?  Yesterday's win at Leiston.  The home team contrived to avoid scoring despite having the ball on our goal-line for at least 44 minutes in the first half and then missing a penalty in the second.  In between, former Poppies keeper Billy Johnson kindly gifted us our opening goal and Isiah scored his and our second goal with pretty much our only threatening attack in the second 45.

In many ways our recent performances more closely resemble our finish to last season than the majority of this.  Back when, by sheer force of will, Lavery squeezed fighting 90-minutes and important wins from a collection of previously under-performing players.  Obviously we would prefer a return to the imperious free-flowing, free-scoring fare of the pre-FA Cup run, but if by sheer gristle and throbbing, barely contained, T-shirt wearing aggression, Lavery threatens just enough out of the squad to get us over the line, I, for one, will take it.

It's been a while since we ended an article with a 
nice sunset.  This time taken from the comfort
of a happy, homeward-bound Poppies coach.

Gary, Gary Gone.

The sad news of Gary Stohrer's departure has filtered through to Patgod Towers and we couldn't let his leaving pass uncommented.  We join every other Poppies fan in wishing Gary all the best for the future, assuming he doesn't join one of our rivals and end up pissing all over us, in which case he can f*ck right off!  We can't believe that we are alone in wondering if letting go of a guaranteed 100% effort midfielder in favour of a succession of unknown signings who could be gone as soon as they arrive is necessarily a good idea....but I guess in Lavery we must trust.

Gary is one of those players who does a lot of the unglamorous hard yards in midfield.  One of those players who rarely shone with a flashy defence splitting pass or 30-yard pile-driver, but you certainly noticed when he wasn't there to break-up the play and set us going forward again.  This season a combination of Gary and Andy Thanoj gave us such solidity in the centre of the park that the players around them have truly flourished, but therein lies the problem.

All players want to play.  All the time.  And it was clear that Gary was going to be trailing behind Andy when it came to the starting XI.  There's only so many times you feel satisfied with a 20 minute cameo from the bench.  If that.  Gary has just got back to fitness and wants to play as much as possible to make up for lost time, and I doubt anyone could blame him for looking elsewhere for that.  Hopefully at a better level than Wellingborough, where he's keeping his hand in presently.

However, Gary's departure leaves a couple of important questions hanging that Patgod needs to address....

Firstly, the title of "Mr Kettering" needs to be re-allocated.  This will probably end up being a straight fight between Connor Johnson and Lewis White, with Dan Jezeph waiting in the wings in case neither of them fancy playing under such an unforgiving level of supporter expectancy.

Secondly, with the departures of Gary Hooper and now Gary Stohrer, the rest of us Garys at Latimer Park all move up a couple of places in the Kettering-Gary-Pecking-Order.  

While I grudgingly accept that perhaps as bona-fide club do-gooders Gary Foreman and Gary Graham probably out-rank a piss-taking blogger, I reckon I've got a fair crack at the nailing down the No.3 Poppies Gary slot.  

I'm certainly going to give it my best effort, but if you're a Gary who frequents Latimer Park and reckon you've got a better claim to the No.3 spot by all means let me know so I can launch a spiteful character assassination of you on this very platform....

What Gary gets up to in the privacy of
his home of an evening is entirely up to him....

Spurs - still there in the rear view mirror

They won’t be happy down the Lane.  It's a bleedin' disgrace I tell ya!  And to add to their woes, plans to install a manual FA Cup goals scoreboard at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium have been postponed they say. Another nail in Ange’s coffin?  Probably. A cause for celebration in NN15?  Definitely!

Unlike some we don’t get to draw teams from 4 divisions lower. We have to earn our goals the hard way, sometimes against opponents from a much higher level. Would love to see how that would translate to Spurs in terms of difficulty.  On present form, probably Villa away!

So thanks to Ange and his imploding fortunes our record will stand for at least another season, maybe two – unless Man Utd, lurking dangerously, yet again win the Cup before deciding to sack their manager anyway.

A final thought before we sit back to enjoy the rest of the competition with bragging rights intact. Has anyone ever calculated the most goals CONCEDED? Now wouldn’t that be a double!  

Strewth mate

 

All The Three's

THREE GOALS

THREE POINTS

JUST THREE POINTS OFF THE TOP OF THE TABLE

THREE HUNDRED LOVELY QUID COURTESY OF KEN SAMUEL!

See you next season Mick.

Kids Today....

A curious incident from this week's trip to Banbury.  No, not the defeat.  Unfortunately these are becoming all too common and expected.  Nor poor Johnny Edwards barely getting a kick.  This too is becoming unhappily commonplace.

No, I'm referring to the Supporter coach being inundated with young 'uns.  Now, anyone who has been on the Supporter coach knows that the term "young 'uns" covers literally anyone not drawing a pension, but in this case, we are talking REALLY YOUNG 'UNS.  Or teenagers as I believe they are known.  Fully half of the coach seemed to be made up of people more concerned with homework the following day rather than still being alive the following day.  People with smooth faces, reedy voices and copious amounts of annoying, youthful optimism.

As a grizzled veteran, my immediate response was as you'd expect.  Bloody kids.  Making bloody noise.  On my bloody coach.  But, I tell you what - it was actually refreshing to have new blood on the coach.  Yes, they were noisier than the usual crew.  But not overly so.  And they were there to support their team. Just like the rest of us.  Once they learned how to close the toilet door after themselves (utterly vital on RB coaches - believe me!) and realised you couldn't change seats willy-nilly with people who've sat in the same spot since before the Falklands War, they were a welcome breath of fresh air in the often stultified away-trip atmosphere.

A lot of us older folk forget that we too were once the noisy no-nothings at Poppies games, being barely tolerated by our elders.  Gently nudged, and sometimes not so gently in the direction of what was acceptable behaviour on the terraces by those who had seen too much over the years.  We were helpfully guided in our Poppies-supporting journey by fellow fans, probably all long gone now.  The circle of life sort of thing.  Without Elton John's awful song hopefully.

So, on balance, new fans coming through is A GOOD THING.  We get to roll our eyes at some of their antics, correct some of their more outlandish actions and can barely understand anything they say, but then, we don't have to.  We don't have to have great philosophical debates with them, we just all need to rub along and keep them interested in the Poppies long enough to one day take the burden from us!

Even my visuals are over 40-years old.....

F*ckwits Ahoy!

Yesterday's last minute winner at Sudbury was most welcome.  90 minutes of turgidness redeemed by a single moment of quality.  This is by no means a recommendation for the "Mullered Sports" Youtube Channel, but Mr Mullered happened to be in right spot to capture the goal quite beautifully, from Thanoj's exquisite, defence splitting pass to Pennant's nerveless finish.  

Mr Mullered's appearance at our game in Suffolk had filled me with a sense of foreboding.  Like the Grim Reaper, his all-too-often appearance at Poppies games heralds either a shite performance, a defeat, or both, captured by the mobile phone of this Angel of Footballing Death.  And, for fully 95 minutes of the 96 minutes played at Sudbury his unloved attendance at the game seemed to signal our usual inability to perform in front of his jowly glare.  How unlucky a mascot is he in the grand scheme of things?  I can't say for certain, except to say he was thrown out of the ground during our last away win by the ever-officious stewards at Telford.  I'm not saying his departure helped us win the game, but I'm convinced it didn't hurt!

So, back to yesterday's game.

Last minute winner = a good thing.

Last minute winner followed by a gumby pitch invasion = a bad thing.

Football is a game built on rules, regulations and accepted norms.  The players and clubs have a shit-load of directives and rules they need to follow.  Or be fined.  Or have points deducted.  Or be relegated.

Supporters?  We have basically two rules to follow.  Resist the urge to pelt the players and see if you can avoid being on the pitch.  Sounds easy you'd think?  At the moment certain elements of our support seem to be having problems with both of these, quite reasonable rules.

Last week a supposedly pissed-up 15 year old hit the opposition goalie with a plastic bottle.  Yesterday a group of pissed-up adults (a blur of pissed-heads?) thought that a jig on the pitch after our goal was literally the only was to celebrate a late winner.

Leaving aside the, admittedly, admirable physical dexterity of (A) hitting a bit of an arsehole goalie with a lightweight bottle from 20 yards, and (B) instantly leaping quite a tall fence when gumped out of your head on grog, you've got to ask what the hell is going on with some of our supporters.

Don't go on the pitch or throw things at the players.  Two quite easy things to remember.  You'd have thought?  Even when half cut.  It might not bother the people doing these things (nor, dispiritingly, far too many, not-actually-at-the-game apologists on KTFC Chat), but football clubs can get into a world of trouble when these sort of things happen.  

Is it really worth doing a bit of a drunken wobble in front of defenders who have just lost in the last minute (who thankfully ignored our idiots) for the club to be fined?  Or the club being forced to employ more stewards or even pay for police to be at games?  Or even the club being told by the league not to serve alcohol in the stadium as it's become clear some of our lightweights can't handle it?  

What price a grinning, imbecilic waddle onto the turf now?

One welcome and one unwelcome debutant at Sudbury

"First Goddamn Week of Winter"

So said the character of R.J. MacReady, played by Kurt Russell in director John Carpenter's1982 body horror classic, "The Thing."  Stranded in Antarctica, standing in the ruins of an exploded helicopter alongside the corpse of a murdered Norwegian, unaware that a monstrous shape-shifting alien parasite is about to kill all of his colleagues, MacReady bemoans the commencement of the annual cold season.

And yet, MacReady's reaction seems mild when compared to a number of Poppies supporters the past week over the postponement of a couple of games of semi-professional football.

We genuinely do appear to have a smattering of supporters who seem to believe we should have a dispensation from frozen conditions and that any fixture cancellation is a complete and utter failing of the club.  The perennial subject of "The Sheets" is raised once again.  Not that we really know what "The Sheets" entail or what they can protect us from.  I'm pretty certain that over the years I've read people on social media bemoaning our lack of "The Sheets" when we've lost games to frost, snow, rain, drought or even the opposition still being involved in the later rounds of the Trophy.

With League One and League Two games tumbling to the cold today, despite, no doubt, sheets galore being deployed, one has to wonder about the basic economics of such an investment for a club at our level.  I may be miles out, but I seem to recall a figure IRO 20K mentioned somewhere for sheets that may or may not allow your game to proceed.  Assuming, of course, you can call upon a small army of volunteers to lay and then remove the said sheets over the course of the week building up to the game.  Having once helped with such an operation at f*cking Non Park of all places, I can attest to this being hard work, and certainly not achievable in 5 minutes.  And when you are heaving acres of heavy fabric you get a better sense of just how large football pitches are.

But none of this means anything when social media commentators start bitching about a game being off that, in all probability, they might have swerved themselves anyway because it was too cold.  Usually on the Thursday before a prospective postponement some bright spark will suggest the Club magic up some sheeting and wonder why we hadn't already bought some, bloated as we are with FA Cup run money.  A handful will bemoan why we don't have Championship-level contingencies in place to protect a UCL level pitch.  A few will throw the odd accusation around about the club not fancying playing.  The odd dullard will choose this moment to announce they are going to watch Harborough Town today anyway....

The upshot is the club DOESN'T have frost sheets.  Nor the manpower to deploy them.  Given the amount of League One games succumbing today it is doubtful "The Sheets" would have saved today's game anyway.  So, stay home, knock the thermostat up a degree or two, dig out that half-full bottle of Advocat you couldn't entirely force down your Aunt at Christmas and get uber-eats up on your speed dial.  At 3pm, fire up the VCR and slip your ancient "John Carpenter's The Thing" cassette in and crank up the telly.  Believe me, the guys in the movie are in for an almost as bad a 90 minutes than we were going to endure against Alvechurch.

"Couple of pints of lager please Gary"

Reason to hate Redditch - No. 246

Redditch, Redditch, Redditch.  Like stubborn dog sh*t on our shoe we can never quite shake them off.

Anytime we get relegated or promoted, BANG! There they are.  As welcome as thrush and just as difficult to be rid of.  We have to drag ourselves once again to their eternally miserable wreck of a stadium and put up with their angry, grizzling supporters.

Why?  Why us?

This season, just to add a further unwelcome twist of crapulence, the game is to be segregated, meaning we will be denied access to their warm club house - by far the best part of the stadium.  Why segregation?  Is the thought of a successful Poppies bringing a few hundred fans across to their blighted, urban, spunk-bubble of a town so scary?  It's not as if there is a problem with the two sets of supporters.  They are all mouth and accent.  We're all too old and gnarled.

The closest I've ever seen to a dust-up at Redditch was last season when the two Managers faced off against each other.  Given that their manager looked like a steroid-ravaged, cage-fighting, angry bouncer from a Scouse drinking pit and our manager was cuddly Andy Leese, I wouldn't have given our boy much of a chance.....about the same his team had.

On one memorable trip to their charming town we pretty much had to step over a couple junkies enjoying the fruit of their labours in a multi-storey carpark stairwell.  After spending another dreary afternoon at the Valley I gave serious consideration to reaching for the needle myself and tucking into some blessed chemical-based relief.

Why God, WHY?

...And it's a Goodnight from him....

As Lavery's playing staff shuffle continues, departures were always going to be inevitable.  In his, so far,  successful attempt to keep the chasing pack in touch with his previously imperious Poppies, the rotating door at Latimer Park has slapped the arses of a few players recently.

Even though our stunt signings Gary Hooper and Marvin Sordell still appear as players on our website, there's been scant evidence of them in the post FA Cup, only-5-on-a-bench fixtures.  Are we likely to see either of them again?  Don't know.  Don't really care.

And what of Sidik Atcha, who is patently not in Lavery's plans but was previoulsy to such an extent that he was handed a coveted Poppies contract.  Which I guess is why he's being loaned out by the club to all and sundry rather than cut adrift.

Unlike the above players, this week's departures cut into the meat of the playing squad.  First off, there's the inexplicably highly-regarded Bruno Andrade.  Sorry, but beyond filling a shirt and always giving about 60%, I've never quite seen what it was Bruno brought to the team.  Fascinating fact though - he made two debuts for the Poppies, both away to St Ives.  In the first debut last season he stood around while St Ives ran riot and thumped 6 past us.  In this year's re-debut Bruno scored a lovely goal in our 3-0 FA Cup win.  And pretty much, that was that from Bruno.  He could barely hold his place in last season's Poppies team, so had no chance nailing a spot in the current team.

Dan Jarvis is a different proposition.  Yes, he could drift in and out of games and have spells of anonymity.  But he is also a very skilful player who could walk into any team in this division.  Last year he was one of very few positives to come from that turgid season.  He scored a few goals and played a substantial part in keeping us from slipping even further down the football pyramid.  He also won the "Player of the Season" award, during an admittedly thin season.  You were left wondering how he'd look in a better team.  Well, we soon found out, and the answer was, he looked pretty good!

He carried on where he left off last season, looking quality, scoring goals and leaving fullbacks on their arses with his patented "Jarvis-jiggle", which, to this day, I can't describe or figure out except to say that no defender could read it either*  Dan has joined the sizeable ex-Poppies contingent at Banbury where I just know he'll cause us problems if we ever actually play them this season.

Remember we liked you and please take it easy on us....

*didn't take long.....