Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Massive updates in the world of football!

The footballing world can hardly believe the seismic changes happening on Planet Football.

I'm more excited than I can possibly describe!  I assume you feel the same!  I can hardly breathe or focus my eyes as I'm so thrilled.


On Sunday we reported these earth-shattering stories!

  • Gareth Bale may or may not move to Real Madrid.
  • Wayne Rooney may or may not move to Chelsea.
  • Luis Suarez may or may not move to Arsenal.
  • Cesc Fabregas may or may not move to Manchester United
  • Any number of other exotically named footballers may or may not move between clubs across Europe

  • Just three days later, the world is reeling from these incredible developments -

  • Gareth Bale may or may not move to Real Madrid.
  • Wayne Rooney may or may not move to Chelsea.
  • Luis Suarez may or may not move to Arsenal.
  • Cesc Fabregas may or may not move to Manchester United
  • Any number of other exotically named footballers may or may not move between clubs across Europe

  • It almost makes our clean sheet in a friendly at Huntingdon seem like actual news.

    Sunday, 28 July 2013

    "Earth calling football...Can you hear us?"

    With the Premier League start a few weeks away the massed media continues to feed us with all we need to know about the "Greatest Show on Earth".  Every story, transfer, rumour of transfer, or even hint of a gist of a rumour of a transfer gains yards of print newsprint, hours of TV coverage, and millions of giga-watts of online coverage.

    The media are utterly convinced the public are salivating for latest tidbits of top-level footballing stories.  EVEN WHEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!

    A quick peruse of the BBC sport website has brought me up-to-date with such incredible news that, after several weeks of negotiations: -

    • Gareth Bale may or may not move to Real Madrid.
    • Wayne Rooney may or may not move to Chelsea.
    • Luis Suarez may or may not move to Arsenal.
    • Cesc Fabregas may or may not move to Manchester United
    • Any number of other exotically named footballers may or may not move between clubs across Europe.

    The only item of interest in these non-stories is the jaw-droppingly large amount of money casually banded about for these proposed deals.
    Is Suarez worth £40 million?
    81 million for Bale!  40-odd million for Suarez, Fabregas and Rooney.  Not bad for a time of economic stagnation? 

    I always wonder how a club can justify spending such sums on a player.  Add in the millions of pounds per year the player would get paid too.  And for what?  To hopefully win a league title or get to the last eight of the Champions League?  Just how much money does that earn for the club?  God knows.  But I'd be amazed if a club could ever win enough prize money, or additional paydays for reaching latter stages of tournaments to come even close to funding even one multi-million pound signing.

    In the past twelve months sportsmen in this country have achieved unprecedented levels of success and glory.  Athletes.  Cricketers.  Rugby players.  Cyclists.  All have beaten the world.  Only one group of sportsmen consistently fail in this country and yet get more and more money thrown at them - footballers. 

    How on earth did we get into this mess?  It is becoming increasingly difficult to even try to defend modern football when challenged by someone who doesn't follow the game in any way.  How can anyone justify where football is heading?  Should the beautiful worldwide game be simply geared to making a few hundred men who can kick a ball well, enormously, obscenely rich?

    Friday, 26 July 2013

    Dear diary, by Imraan Ladak

    25 June 2013 - signed over the football club to Ritchie.  I think I did a pretty good job at the Poppies.  I'll try to remember to look a bit embarrassed when they ask me to cut the ribbon on the new Imraan Ladak Stand at the new ground.  Didn't answer the door when someone knocked, just in case one of KC's henchmen have tracked me down!  Stayed up until 3.30AM playing Dragon Quest VII.

    28 June 2013 - Have waited by phone all day for someone at the football club to call me.  Weird!  I'd have thought that after a few days without my steady hand on the tiller they would have needed to call upon my expertise.  Stayed up until 2.00AM playing Super Mario Land 3D.  It's Ok, but not a patch on the original.

    3 July 2013 - Still no one at the Poppies has called me, if only to ask where all of last season's left over replica shirts ended up!  Not that I know, but it'd be nice if someone asked!  Left another message for James Caan today.  I think he must be wavering!  I feel that the 20 billion in sponsorship he owes will soon be forthcoming!  Played Tomb Raider for 38 1/2 hours straight and now feel a bit weird.

    5 July 2013 - Telephoned the Evening Telegraph to see if they wanted to interview me.  They'd love to, but apparently have no room in the paper available for at least the next 3-years.  Ah, well.

    7 July 2013 - Got in touch with ASDA to see if there was any chance of resurrecting the new football ground deal.  Didn't get very far.  How hard could it be for the woman on the till to get hold of their Head of European Corporate Infrastructure?  Starting to worry that it may not happen.  Hid in a cupboard for 2-days when someone knocked hard on my front door.  Don't think it was KC's boys, but better to be safe than sorry!

     9 July 2013 - I snuck over to Burton Latimer to see how the new ground was coming along.  I couldn't believe it!  It's not a patch on Nene Park!  Sometimes I really don't understand the way football supporters think!  Nene Park had seats, chandeliers, almost functioning heating as well as only-slightly-out-of date bar snacks in at least one of the function rooms!  I gave the Kettering fans everything, and what do I have to show for it?  Still.  Must remember what my therapist said - "It's not me, it's them."  His advice is well worth the £150.00 per hour he charges.  I really must get around to paying him as soon as Caan's money comes through.

    11 July 2013 - Saw that Gazza had been arrested for being drunk and abusive.  Almost laughed myself hoarse.  Then tried to call him to see if he fancied joining me as Assistant Manager to Morrell at the next club I take over.

    13 July 2013 - Posted my Trust membership form today.

    15 July 2013 - Poor old George Rolls came round tonight, bemoaning his lot as usual.  Tried to cheer him up, but he just drank all the beer in the house, and ate all my food.  Funny thing - I couldn't find my wallet after he'd left.

    17 July 2013 - Knocked on James Caan's door and ran away!  Ha ha.

    19 July 2013 - Talked over brand new, world-beating, brilliant, never-before-thought-of business idea with the family today.  It involves locum doctors, and I think it could be a winner!

    21 July 2013 - Tried to get hold of Ritchie today to make a few suggestions as to how he should run my his club.  He was polite enough, but I sensed he wasn't taking me entirely seriously.  I had the distinct impression he wasn't giving me his full attention when I told him of a few brilliant players I'd seen on YouTube, and the fact I could get hold of their agents for him.  I was so annoyed I could only manage a 12-hour session on Football Manager 2013.

    23 July 2013 - My Trust membership form arrived back today.  "Return to Sender" it said on the envelope.  Mm, they must have changed address.  Must give them a call and catch-up sometime.

    26 July 2013 - Got another letter from James Caan's solicitors today warning me to stop contacting their client.  Honestly!  Since when did a few thousand emails, a couple of hundred letters, and standing outside his office for a week or two, staring unblinkingly at his office window constitute "harassment?"  I thought someone called my name in the street today.  Just in case it was one of KC's people I've booked myself in for plastic surgery tomorrow. 

    Got aroused thinking about Peter Winkleman and his MK Dons.  Tried to take my mind of this by playing a few rounds of Resident Evil.  Wasn't completely successful......

    Thursday, 18 July 2013

    Desert country Qatar in HOT shock!

    Barely a year after awarding a Football World Cup to a despotic Arab state that takes an equally dim view of alcohol, homosexuality and liberty (their Friday nights must be pretty dull), Sepp Blatter has now conceded that Qatar's summer temperatures of up to 50 degrees centigrade may be a touch high for top level sport.  Or moving.  Or breathing.  Or doing anything but find yourself melting into a small puddle of fatty oil.

    Blatter - no caption needed
    This startling and sudden revelation has led Blatter to suggest that all the European leagues change their schedules to allow the feudal despots (the Qataries, and not FIFA in this instance) to run the tournament during the winter, when football can safely be played without half the participants dying.

    That's one suggestion. Screw up the fixtures of all the major world leagues.  How about another?

    Perhaps award the World Cup to another country who actually play the game, have qualified for finals previously, exist in the 21st Century, and could stage a tournament in summer temperatures such that ginger footballers won't simply turn to dust as soon as they step onto the pitch?

    Unfortunately very few countries that can offer these benefits are absolutely swimming in the bloated profits of oil and are able to buy and sell FIFA officials quite so easily.

    Wednesday, 17 July 2013

    Be still my beating heart

    Our fixtures were released this morning.  It seems like the last couple of seasons weren't a bad dream after all.

    But, as a sign of intent, it's good to see the club still include the date of the FA Cup Final.  Just in case.....

    Saturday, 13 July 2013

    Bloody hell! That was quick!

    No sooner had the proverbial ink dried on the previous piece warning of the perils of former Poppies Managers being asked to perform tasks that are patently beyond their abilities, than this story broke!

    As much as we wish Mark all the best, one fears that the current hot spell is likely to outlast his stint in charge at Swindon.

    Tuesday, 9 July 2013

    Stop picking on the Doog!

    PATGOD has been shocked to see how former Poppies boss Derek Dougan has been forced to dress up as a poncy chef for a series of adverts for "Just Eat".  We all know how he blazed a trail for football shirt sponsorship back in the 70's, but does that mean that companies can still force him to demean himself in this way?

    We say "NO" and we ask both of our readers to boycott "Just Eat" until they release him from his contract and stop him from doing something he is patently unsuited to do.

    If you see any of our other previous managers being forced to do things they obviously aren't equipped to handle, let us know and we'll get on it.

    For example, let us know if you hear that Peter Morris has been put in charge of a Comedy Club.

    Or Ron Atkinson is appointed as the head of the Race Relations Board.

    Or Ashley Westwood forced to give an Anger Management Course.

    Or Paul Gascoigne is made to host Temperance meetings

    Or Morrell Maison gets a job as a football club manager.

    This isn't how the Doog should be remembered!

    Thursday, 4 July 2013

    When will football club owners ever learn?

    The news that Worcester City FC are upping sticks for a ground share at Kidderminster has been doing the rounds for a while.  We don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but the thrust of it seems to be the owners are decamping to Kidderminster in the hope of one day returning to Worcester.  Yeah right.....

    It would also appear that the owners in question have some strange notions about how their club should move forward.  Despite being forced to make a 30-mile round trip for "home" games, the Club thought it would be a bumper wheeze to demand that at least 1000 of them buy season tickets or they would wind the club up!  1000?  Appreciably more than attended games in the club's home City during the season just gone!  The club were influenced no doubt by the 4000 gate for their last home game, even though this was both the last game at their old ground, AND they were playing the Champions Chester, who probably brought half the crowd, but are probably not likely to buy and Worcester season tickets.  To salve this four-figure demand the season tickets in question have been offered for the ridiculously low price of £100.00. 

    Being Kettering fans we have an uneasy feeling that we can see where this is heading....

    Just say, for the sake of argument, WCFC do sell a 1000 season tickets and all is well and good when they kick off their campaign at Aggbrough.  The club bank £100,000, of which, of course £20K goes straight to the Tax-man.

    The first month or so will seem a bit strange for the Worcester supporters as they rattle around inside Kiddy's large stadium.  They are a bit disgruntled at having to pay to park their cars at their "home" ground.  However, they do get a taste for the quality Kidderminster cuisine. 

    Presumably the money generated from the season ticket sales is mostly used up paying a big wedge to Kiddy to rent the stadium for the season.  At the end of August all the players and staff are paid their full wages.

    And then what?

    Assuming that the 3.5 million made from the sale of their old ground hasn't disappeared into the blackhole of "director's expenses", or into the council's coffers as they find ways of fleecing the club over every planning issue, will it be made available to fund the running of the club?
    "Let's go to a home game!"

    If not, then by October Worcester City might be in a bit of bother.  No matchday income to speak of, if you don't include a clump of a dozen away fans  Presumably only a percentage, at best, of the take over the bar or in the food huts.  It does make you wonder how they would intend to fund the club.  Perhaps they will adopt a "Ladakesque" approach and simply hope many thousands of additional fans, who have never supported the club will magically decide to attend every week.  Oh, and the team will need to at least reach stage of the Quarter Finals of the FA Cup!

    And now there is news that Coventry City are looking to share Sixfields with the Cobblers for the next three years.  A ground with a capacity a few thousand less than their current attendances.  A decision greeted by City fans with somewhat less that total support.

    I can't believe that, (a) if CCFC have to leave Coventry, a closer ground share can't be organised.  If they are going all the way to Northampton (round trip of over 60 miles) they might just as well tack a couple of more miles onto their journey and take over the best appointed ground in the history of football - Non Park! 

    Only three previous less-than-careful owners!

    Thank God we're off this particular treadmill, even if it has cost us several divisions worth of relegations.

    If we had any other Council but our own......

    Kettering Borough Council - still hideously out of step!

    Still, they have provided us with a nice central skate park market, and room on the town "Timeline" to register the Poppies demise as and when they can finally engineer it.