Friday, 31 August 2012

The Silence of the Ladak

"Oh, it's all gone quiet over there!"
Unsurprisingly the rapid burst of official statements from our major shareholder has trailed off to nothing.  I fear those expecting yet another crisis meeting, where this week's top table lay out just how much shite we're in, may be disappointed.  Not that we're clear of the brown stuff.  I'm not sure we ever will be.  It's more to do with the fact that even Imraan must know he has absolutely nothing to tell us.  There are only so many times he can be the boy that cried "Prospective investors", and expect to be believed.

Of course, he wasn't always so reticent to let us know how things stood.  Years ago he rolled up to the Tin Hat with a big plan for the lounge to raise tens of thousands per week.  We all laughed in his face, but he was certain it could be done.  Seemingly he believed that after attending a successful race night that raised well over a grand, he couldn't understand why this couldn't be done almost daily! 

On an earlier visit to the Social Club he was offering anyone bets that his recent acquisition, the incredible goal machine otherwise known as Patrick Peter would bag 20 goals in the forthcoming season.  We were so shocked by this statement, having seen PP flit around the pitch to absolutely no effect for a few weeks that very few took him up on the bet.  We may be a bunch of hicks who don't own our own companies, but we flatter ourselves we can spot a shit footballer when we see one.  We have seen enough after all!

He managed to con enough of us that Project Certain Death (a.k.a. Nene Park) would be practically self-financing due to the enormous numbers of sponsors falling over each other to invest in the club. He may not have actually said, "we'll have so much investment that we'll have to beat prospective sponsors off with a stick", but may just have well done.

Now I come to think of it, we had years to realise what an incredibly naive fantasist we were dealing with, but, to our continued shame and regret, we overlooked this whilst DRC cash paid for our success.  Given Ladak's wretched business failures whilst at the Poppies: -

  • Shop in town selling expensive shite, provided you paid cash
  • Burger bar in car park taking business from burger bars in the ground
  • Likewise the plan to have "dolly birds" selling Klondike tickets which lasted all of one game
  • A-line Insurance, where you might get a call back in a fortnight after emailing them
  • Shaolin Chinese Takeaway, situated in an empty football ground outside a tiny village, not offering free delivery as far as Kettering!
  • "Budgeting" with the assumption that a company you no longer own will continue to pay for the world class collection of talentless tubbies you've put on 2-year contracts

One can only assume that making money out of supplying locum doctors is as easy as falling off a log, or surely he'd have f*cked this up as well.

So, don't expect an announcement any time soon that he is happy to stand up and answer slightly sticky questions such as: -

  1. Why exactly is he so desperate to remain at Non Park, as opposed to giving us a fighting chance of survival elsewhere? 
  2. Why allow only George Rolls to put any events on at the club, given he is legally not allowed to put any profits into the club itself. 
  3. Or, who the hell are Ray and Jay?

We understand the answers to the above may well be: -

  1. He is supposed to have signed a contract with Cousins making his personal welfare, and his kneecaps dependent on continued payment of our sky-high rent.  Tip - next time you're offered a contact, do yourself a favour and read the f*cking thing!
  2. He still believes he will be able to sign the club over to honest George, 5-year ban or not.  Perhaps he intends to talk the FA around to his point of view.  Just like he did with Kettering Borough Council and Ben Pickering....
  3. Aren't they the main protagonists of Men in Black? 

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Beyond the Fringe

Every year Patgod scans the array of upcoming young comedy talent at the Edinburgh Festival so you don’t have to.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. We find out about up and coming comics the same as everybody – a guest appearance on Have I Got News, a slot on Mock The Week, or the holy grail that leads to a sell-out 98 date tour but simultaneous loss of credibility – top billing on Michael McIntyre.

Except this year even we have heard of James Acaster, who far from playing down his Kettering roots as any sensible person would, has instead made them a core element of his act.  Google him and you’ll see references to his reworking of a “syllabically challenged” KTFC chant.  We’ve been called many things ending in challenged – financially, intellectually, genetically – but syllabically is a new one.  Which chant could he mean? Surely not anything referring to “Ket’rin”.

So here’s to the next big thing, whoever you are.

Already being described as the funniest thing to come out of Geddington since Cyril Gingell’s last tax declaration.  

Monday, 27 August 2012

Ungrateful Bastards!

Whilst witnessing the protracted death of the club under the expert guidance of out poker loving, locum supplying supremo it has reminded me of the perhaps overly hard time PATGOD gave to other club Chairmen over the years.  Back in the non-digital days we used to rip club servants to pieces over little things like finishing out of the top 5 of the Conference, not winning the Trophy or failing to get the corner clock to work.

Sometimes it takes a calamitous situation of the type we now face to make you appreciate what you used to have, and want to make some sort of reparation to those you have unjustly maligned.

So, here goes.....

Cyril Gingell may well have wastefully presided over a golden Poppies age and turned a blind eye to the odd tax demand, but during his tenure we regularly attracted over 2000 fans to home games and invariably finished in what are now the play-off positions of Conference Premier.

Mark English - you were an outright crook, and not even a subtle one like the ones we see around our club nowadays.  Your sole intention was to screw a few bob out of us.  However, you did get us a new stand, and brought all the Poppies fans together for perhaps the only time in history.  Out of this developed the Poppies Trust, without whom we would have surely folded by now?

Peter Mallinger - you may have managed our slow decline from League wanabees to Ryman whipping boys, but we had some good times, and the wet afternoon in Tiverton will live long in the minds of everyone who was there.

We feel inclined to apologise to all the above gentlemen for the numerous sarcastic articles and abusive cartoons you had to endure.  Inclined, but nah, in hindsight your actions led us to where we are today.  Gingell left us weakened and susceptible to a shyster like English, which allowed Mallinger the chance to take over the club, and keep it warm until Ladaak turned up with his long term plan to truly shaft us.

We may be ungrateful bastards when it comes to your input gentlemen, but at least none of us has ever had even an indirect hand in killing our football club.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Poppies fans, meet John Beck, John Beck, meet Poppies fans.

Most of us are concerned more with the survival of the Poppies than individual performances.  Attending games these days, you need a steady nerve, plenty of gallows humour, and preferably a good book to read.  The actual football hasn't been up to much.  100% effort, but substantially less guile.  Just like last season, albeit with 90% more effort.

You'd think that a mixture of Southern League standard players and John Beck in the dugout would give us all sufficient indication as to what to expect, but no, there's still a few left on the terraces who can't get their heads around the fact that the Poppies aren't playing like an all time Barcelona XI at a testimonial.

One of the moany old gits near me spent fully 85 minutes today raging about the ball being on the floor, better passing, better shooting, better movement and better haircuts.  The only time he wasn't griping about the football was when he was stuffing his face with chips.  Now, there he should have had a cause for complaint, as the ones I tried today tasted like they'd been cooked in year old grease - awful!

If we are getting an education as to what football is like under John Beck, then he is also getting a bit of an eye-opener as to what it is like to manage a team in front of a Kettering public.  We may only attract tiny crowds these days but when we moan, boy, we make up for the lack of numbers with maximum whinging.  Anything less than the total football we have grown used to over the years (!) is greeted with "hoofs" of derision. 

The difference between Beck's Poppies and Mark Cooper's Poppies?  Other than winning games, and several thousand quid per week in wages - not much.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Imraan - what do you think?

"Herewegoagain127" has contributed -

Ladak 2: The Sequel – In the Shit Again
“More shit same old story” The Daily Mail
“Seen and heard it all before, one of the less imaginative sequels” The Telegraph
“More from this fantasy director. This time he delivers the final ending!” Empire
“The first film, in our opinion was simply too long. This one hits the nail on the head, delivering an all action script that’s over as quick as you like. Blink and you’ll miss it!” The Sun
Semi-regular Patgod correspondant Colin Reynolds has added,
"RR was not dead it was not ready to go ! But its been left to die !? ffs , a 7 yr lease was availble on top of the two that was remaining , we should be still there now , and a offer of a further ten yrs if we got into the league , so 19 yrs potentinally was availble , ladak would have left in that time for sure and a new chairman might have done a better deal with Pickering.

Ladak said he could not afford the rent increase at RR , i knew he would not be able to run Legoland ,  I wanted to see marching protests from RR to the Newlands and back trying to save out spiritual home , but i was complety shocked that kettering fans just folded to the temptation of a cosy chair in a 'nice' ground to sit and watch the game ,in our arch rivals grave ,out of our Borough and that was more appealing to them than losing our HOME
Because they were talked into believing it was the only option

Thats one of the reason ive not stepped foot in legoland ,plus i knew we would die there and could not face watching that , so my last game was at RR when we all left the ground happy."

If you want to contribute, telling us why imraan is at best a bit of a dick, get in touch!

Imraan, Imraan....

....what more can we say about Imraan that hasn't already been said? 

He seems to have been a permanent fixture in the local media for the past couple of days, getting the usual easy-ride from the ET and Radio Northampton.  Probing questions.  Outright accusations.  Questioning his story.  All of these have been depressing absent. 

Everything is still everyone else's fault.  Whether it be James Caan. T James Electrical or even James T Kirk.  Jaws have dropped over his pontificating about excessive player contracts and unsustainable rents!  Who would know better than him?

 Having heard all Imraan has had to say, and soaked up all the rumours flying around, we have come up with a chain of events, which, although obviously unsubstantiated, could be close to the truth.  If not, any of the characters involved have an open invitation to get in touch and put us right.  We're happy to print anything they have to say.

Let's say that Richie and the Trust start talking to Corby Town in an effort to escape the ruinous clutches of Non Park.  May or may not be a stepping stone for a return to the town.  Bear in mind, with our reduced circumstances, any future ground would not need a shed load of facilities.  Hard standing.  A couple of hundred seats and floodlights.  No dance halls or banqueting facilities.

Let us further speculate that George Rolls hears of this.  How would he react?  Probably not well given that his "Poppy Events" organisation needs to be based at Non Park.  This might prove to be tricky if the club are no longer there?

George "invites" Ladak to step in and put an end to such talk, and fearing that friend George may be inconvenienced, and he might be saddled with the rent for Non Park due to him blindly signing the first contract stuck in front of him by Cousins.

Prologue -

Seems I must type faster!

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Here we go again......

History is full of instances where hoped-for long reigns are quickly and usually cruelly curtailed.  Lady Jane Gray, installed on the English throne in an attempt to thwart Catholic ambitions managed 9 full days in the top job before her head was unceremoniously let go by her body.  Pope John Paul (Marna?) managed a full month before popping his clogs.  Cloughie managed 44 days at Leeds, whilst Gazza, as we know, fared even less well at the hands of a certain Imraan Ladak.

Now, it would appear that Imraan is getting back in the game. New Poppies Chairman Richie Jeune has been dumped after just over a week in charge. How does a club Chairman get sacked you might ask?  One can only assume this is Imraan's doing as he still main shareholder. It can't possibly have anything to do with Rolls as he isn't allowed to have anything to do with football.

The full statement can be read, and goggled over here -

Although George is obviously not involved in any way, shape or form with the footballing side of the club, it is curious that the statement has the following line,

"All non football events at Nene Park are managed by Poppies Events and no other third party"

Stop waving your keys around, we know that
you're not going anywhere!
This suggests that George's company, Poppies Events will make what little off-field monies are generated off the pitch, whilst at the same time he is forbidden to use any of these funds to support the club!  Convenient, eh?

It would appear the current situation is that no-one other than George is allowed to make money out of Non Park.  Certainly not the football club.  What are we supposed to survive on?  500 gates and a few replica shirts? 

We have been told time and time again that Imraan has nothing to do with the daily running of the club.  Mind you, that's nothing new, as he was an absentee-chairman even when he was involved.  Anyone suggesting he was still pulling the strings was summarily dismissed or ridiculed.  Those suggestions don't seem quite so ridiculous now.  What's the betting that a mate of Imraan is installed as our interim chairman?  Perhaps Jay or Ray? 

How about this for a way-out theory.  Ladak runs up enormous debts, and then backs off to allow others to try to sort out the mess his amateurish efforts have caused.  No sooner have others have bailed him from the brown stuff and entered a CVA to wipe out most of HIS debts, he is back in charge, with a clean financial slate.

Also, no one wants to believe the "2015" rumour, but what else are we expected to think as Ladak and Rolls continue to haunt the ground, and Cousins and Hill keep flitting around in the background.  Big building contract split 4-ways eh?  Just keep some sort of football going there for a couple of years.  Doesn't matter the level or whether players and suppliers lose out.

It all stinks.  No question.  But I'm sure Ladak has a convincing explanation.....

Friday, 17 August 2012

Journey into the Unknown

There can be few Poppies seasons likely to be as jarring as the start of this one.

An entirely new starting XI, playing under a new management team, headed by a new Chairman and playing in a new league.  A league so "low" that our previous, wanabee almost-Chairman George was convinced we would be at least play-off certainties regardless of our 10 point deduction.  A league so far behind where we are used to be playing that we have to listen to the sports round-up on Radio Northampton for several minutes before they get around to us.

Of course George, like the rest of us I suppose, was basing our prospects this season on a Conference National team dropping into the Southern League.  Given the unknown calibre of our signings I can't believe anyone is quite so confident now.  By this time tomorrow we should have a more informed idea what to expect.  A thumping win and we'll happily adopt the "Billy Big-Bollox" posture and tell everyone we're gonna piss this poxy league.  However, should we get spanked down on the coast that 10 point deficit is going to look awfully large, and we'll all be in absolute dread of the following Tuesday night home game where the opposition and the attendance will both be watched with equal levels of fearfulness.

All the best to the team for tomorrow.  Whoever they are!

Monday, 13 August 2012

A Pre-season like no other.

Usually with less than a week to go before the season starts, and several pre-season games under our belts, the following would all have happened: -

  • We would have seen the goal of the season
  • We would have wound-up all the Kettering based Leicester City fans, who for the only time in their lives get to act like "big-time" Charlies
  • Several players from last season would be looking all tanned and lovely
  • We would be devastated that a couple of players who looked shit-hot weren't going to sign for us, and if they finally did put pen to paper they would revert to just being shit!
  • We would be playing count-the-working-bulbs in the Big K floodlights
  • Marcus Kelly would have played all the positions on the park from goalkeeper to centre forward
  • At least one trialist would be mistaken for Patrick Peter, or was it Peter Patrick?
  • We would make a quick check to see if the corner clock was working

An exasperated Steve Evans
can't believe yet another
decision has gone against
his charming players.
These simple pleasures have been denied by the factthat our club now squats down in East Northants.  This season I haven't made it to a single game, although the chance to wind-up Evans at the Rotherham game and watch him turn the same colour as a baboon's arse is very tempting. 

It was a big enough effort to shell out a fiver to watch a bunch of trialists wearing old Poppies shirts huffing and puffing against a mini-bus full of schoolkids from Peterborough when it was the case of a twenty minute walk to Rocky Road.  But to decamp across the county for a glorified training session holds few attractions.

I would like to say that I've kept up with proceedings via Poppies Radio but a couple of impediments have blocked even this, bar a couple of minutes.  Firstly, not knowing a single name of any Poppies player I had absolutely no idea which team was on the ball at any time!  Also, there's the small matter of a vicious PATGOD article, written back in the day where we ripped the piss out of the Direones for offering the same service!  Nicking their ground, Strikers Bar and even the dubious administrative talents of Helen Thompson are one thing, but copying Radio Inbred is a step too far for me!

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Postcard from Totton

As proof that even at our new level there are still some obsessive nutters out there, here's a contribution from Adrian, a York-based AFC Totton fan who is looking forward to his new local derby fixture at Nene Park. Unfortunately it's not until March, so don't make any firm plans Adrian...

Well, here you are facing life in the Southern Premier League. So, having had experience of this league as a new boy last season, I can offer a few comments on what you can expect.

Some of you will be thinking that it will be a breeze: you'll have better players and support and as a result, you'll win most of your games, both home and away.  I may be proved wrong  but I believe that you'll need to think again. The Southern Premier is a tough league with some excellent clubs and talented players. It was difficult enough last season and having studied the transfer dealings that have so far taken place this summer, I fear that it will be even tougher this season.

You will not like visiting clubs such as Barwell and Leamington. The former having basic facilities but a team that embodies the spirit of non-league football: 100% commitment, hard but fair. The latter having excellent facilities and a core support that is the envy of many. In addition, both can play a bit and your own trips to these clubs will give you a far better insight in to the standard of the SPL than I can give in these few words. You will find that a number of teams rely on a strong spine, many having a brute of a centre half - no skill but wins everything in the air. Also, no doubt much to your disappointment, some favour the long ball game and a hoof into the nearby road or housing estate at the slightest sign of danger. However, there are some players who fill me with fear. Drew Roberts of Bedford being one. I think you may remember him?

On refereeing please be considerate and polite. I have found the standard generally to be very good and we're in a league where we couldn't function without officials. Most have jobs as we do and deserve respect. Let's face it, if someone told us that we were rubbish every week, we'd give it up, You will be used to a higher standard so please be patient. After all, we're all after the same thing and shouting at the ref won't bring it any sooner. Having said that, the job is made a little easier in the SPL by a lack of diving, play acting and certainly in my experience, little dissent. I have seen players deservedly receive red cards, who have simply turned around and walked off, albeit with some embarrassment as they have passed their managers on the way to the dressing room.

So, how do I think you'll get on? In short, I have no idea. However, you won't find it easy and if you finish above Cambridge and Chesham you'll have had a good season. The latter were the best team I saw last season. They play some lovely football. Also, be aware of young Mr Gosney of AFC Totton. You'll need good full backs.

Finally, beware the vanity project and its money. Last season it was Brackley. This season I believe it to be St Neots. Yes, money talks loudly at even this level. I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy the season.

Friday, 10 August 2012

The Midland Muppets Part Two

It's the final straight for our rundown of teams in a division that even Corby Town can look down upon!

Leamington FC

Miles from the Holy City - 45
Population of town - 40,000
Ground Capacity - 2,300
Home Colours - Kinda murky yellow and purple-ish.  Think Bradford City.
Nickname - The Brakes (presumably big pie fans?)
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 505

"Must Know" Facts - Renowned satanist Aleister Crowley was born in Leamington, and his evil influence has been felt down the years, attracting equally corrupt and monstrous people to Leamington, including dictator Napolean III, comedian Russell Howard, and former Poppy and eternal Boston United netminder Paul Bastock.

By some considerable margin,
the best features of Redditch.
Redditch United FC

Miles from the Holy City - 65
Population of town - 84,000 (which suggests 83,800 of the population have never seen their team play!)
Ground Capacity - 5,000 - with few suggestions of ever turning people away at the turnstile.
Home Colours - Red & Black
Nickname - With much imagination - The Reds
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 253

"Must Know" Facts - All you need to know about Redditch is that I celebrated like it was 1999 when we were promoted out of Conference North, and they were relegated out of it, meaning I'd never have to revisit the depressing hole.  Sigh.....

Oh, and 80's Page 3 Star Corinne Russell came from Redditch.  Cue photograph no doubt!

and finally.......

Stourbridge FC

Miles from the Holy City - 75
Population of town - 55,000
Ground Capacity - 2,000
Home Colours - Red & White stripes
Nickname - The Glassboys
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 413

"Must Know" Facts - With all due respect to our Brummie neighbours I've completely run out of interest as to which soap star lives in the town, or which heavy metal singer once unsheathed his chopper in the middle of the carnival. 

Roll on the season!  Assuming the combined machinations of Ladak, Rolls, Cousins and Hill mean we make it that far!

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Olympics Highlights

Britain leads the world!
In sitting down sports. Cycling. Rowing. Showjumping. Sailing. What could be more inspirational to the youth of today? All you need to succeed is a £5,000 bike, a private education, a horse, or an ocean going yacht.

The golden 47 minutes
Admit it, the last time you yelled like that was when Elding equalised at Elland Road.

Gongs of Praise
The New Year Honours are set to be stuffed with new sporting nobility, with one gold = an OBE and two or more = a knighthood.  Chris Hoy, already Sir for 4 golds, will be promoted to Duke and become 14th in line to the throne. Wiggins will accept the title of Modfather.  Victoria Pendleton will thank a grateful nation by getting her kit off one last time.

Live from Horseguards Parade
Beach volleyball commentary in full:
Phwoar….. Cor…… Phwoar…… Cor…… Phwoar…… Cor……… PHWOAR!!  ……...........wibble

Crowd support
Has been fantastic, with the road cycling stirring outward sporting emotion in parts of Surrey for the very first time. And that Eton Dorney crowd proved to be surprisingly knowledgeable about rowing.

Put it away guys
The ultra revealing lycra pants worn by the male sprinters seem to be the modern equivalent of the ancient Olympians, who competed naked. But judging by surviving sculpture and paintings, things were very different in the trouser department back then.  Slo-mo head on shots of the current crop bursting out of the blocks are enough to awaken anxieties in 95% of male viewers.  You’d have thought it would slow them down, but in the 100m heats, Justin Gatlin’s packet was swinging like a pendulum and generated enough propulsion for him to clock 9.88.   

Faster, Higher, Milkier
Beach volleyball, windsurfing, BMX – thank God they made it on to the Olympic list to give Brazilian babes, California dudes and inner city scumbags their own shot at glory.  But as host nation, Britain should have been allowed to introduce a new event.  Obviously this would be something we excel at, like queueing, putting up an umbrella in the rain, or making a nice cup of tea.  Or combining the disciplines into a uniquely British triathlon – making a nice cup of tea whilst queueing to put up an umbrella.

Guaranteed gold in Rio

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Mensch - a town mourns

From the moment that novelist Louise Mensch was parachuted into the Corby parliamentary seat by David Cameron, in a desperate attempt to ape Tony Blair's "Babes" with Cameron's "Cuties", two outcomes were certain.

Firstly, she was never going to stand for a second term.  Secondly, a forthcoming novel would feature a power-dressing, feisty female MP who would ultimately melt into the strong arms of a man who would take her away from horrid politics and back into shoe shopping.

"Yes Mrs McJock, I'll look into the issue of your leaky
roof and take it up with the council, just as soon as
I've finished up at Kathryn Amberleigh and Prada."
The only misjudgement is that it was assumed she'd actually see out her term before sticking two fingers up to the socialist plastic-jocks who make up most of her electorate, before hotfooting it to the warm embrace of Manhattan's finest and most exclusive boutiques.

But, how does any of this affect us, you might well ask?  Due to a curiously shaped parliamentary boundary, a lot of her constituency encompasses a swathe of countryside through East Northants (hence her election even though every voter in Corby itself hates her guts) and includes the plastic albatross which will finally squeeze what little life is left in the Poppies our much loved home - Non Park.

Our "other MP" should have felt a kinship with the Poppies, as we were both dropped into an area and forced upon a local population who would rather eat their own thumbs (and the webbing in the case of Irthlingborough) than have anything to do with us.

Fair play on her hurried escape.  I only hope we also manage to copy her at some point and get away.  Doesn't necessarily have to be to New York.  "New"land Street will do.  Or "York" Road!  Or a small patch or barely used grass halfway down Rockingham Road.....

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

The Midland Muppets Part One

Hopefully we'll get through these bloody Micky Mouse teams before they start beating us!

The real reason Banbury's
youth teams disbanded?
Banbury United FC

Miles from the Holy City - 50
Population of town - 45,000
Ground Capacity - 2,000
Home Colours - All red
Nickname - The Puritans
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 273

"Must Know" Facts - Glam rocker and kiddie fiddler Gary Glitter is Banbury's secret shame.

Barwell FC

Miles from the Holy City - 37
Population of town - 8,750
Ground Capacity - 2,500
Home Colours - Yellow & Green
Nickname - The Kirkby Rovers (eh?)
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 168

"Must Know" Facts - In 1965 Barwell was showered with fragments of meteorite.  If we were in a comic there would be at least one inhabitant of Barwell walking around today leading a double life as a superhero.  As we are in the boring real world instead a man in the village got gypped by his insurance company for his smashed-up car, claiming it was "An Act of God".  The local vicar didn't agree and told the man to do one as well. 

Before Marcus Law took over at Rockingham Road no-one at Kettering had even so much as heard of Barwell, let alone where it was.  And now we're playing them....Sob!

Bedworth United FC

Miles from the Holy City - 36
Population of town - 32,000
Ground Capacity - 3,000
Home Colours - Green and white
Nickname - The Greenbacks
Average Home Attendance Last Season - 164

"Must Know" Facts - The man voted most likely to be found drowned in his own vomit after a drug cocktail binge, Pete Doherty, attended college in Bedworth.  It must make their hearts swell with pride everytime his wasted, talentless pasty face is shown on television either entering a police station or court house. 

The man voted most likely to collapse under his own immense, uncoordinated bulk, Ian Roper is current club captain at Bedworth.  And yes, we'd have him back in a heartbeat!