Saturday, 30 November 2013

Another week, another signing!

News of Dubi's move to
the Poppies has been
greeted with typical
restraint in St Ives
Poppies sign striker, from official site

Just what we need!

  • Another reason to annoy the incredibly angry St Ives fans. 
  • Another reason for the obsessed New-Scum supporters to rubbish us.  "How dare Kettering Town sign players, when they went into a CVA?  Unlike us, who went bust, and paid no-one anything, and happily set ourselves up as a new club, beautifully debt free..."

  • Another Poppies player with a name to make my spell checker flip out!

I suspect Ken Samuel has had a hand in this......

Friday, 29 November 2013

It all makes sense now!

With JFK's assassination anniversary in the news, conspiracy theories are very much in vogue.  There are many theories as to how the Poppies ended up where they are now.  I've always assumed it was primarily down to Imraan treating the club like a kid's computer game, but after reading this week's ET I am seeing things in a distinctly different light.....

The interview with Ken Samuel set me thinking.  The public perception of Ken is that he is a dedicated club servant, with "the Poppies" running through his veins like the lettering through a stick of rock.  After reading the interview my opinion had changed.


Think about it.

Imraan's disastrous Gazza period.  Ken was there.
Morrell's inability to get us promoted.  Ken was there.
Imraan and Cooper falling out.  Ken was there.
The Pickering's won't play ball.  Ken was there.
The collapse of the Asda plan.  Ken was there.
Shipping 4 goals in extra time at Elland Road.  Ken was there.
The silly "Rydan" white and red cross away kit.  Ken was there.
Project Non Park.  Ken was there.
The club signing players based on YouTube videos!  Ken was there.
Players not being paid.   Ken was there.
Managers not being paid.  Ken was there.
No drinks in Striker's Bar.  Ken was there.
Relegation from the Conference.  Ken was there.
Relegation from the Southern League Premier division.  Ken was there.
The lack of chips at Latimer Park.  Ken was there.
Parking ticket on my car in Polwell Lane!  Ken was there.
My not winning the Klondike.  Ken was there.

The evidence seems to speak for itself.  It's all Ken's fault!

You utter bastard!!!

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Backing our brave boys in blue

PATGOD won't take the easy route and simply jump on the backs of the police after yesterday's parking blitz.  No, not a bit of it.  Instead we have hacked a few computers and present the emails back and forth between various of the fascist bully boys who keep us flattened under the jackboot heel of oppression police who safeguard our society.

Police Commissioner Adam Slime-monds, in an email exchange with Kettering Inspector, Matt Wrong: -

AS:  "Matt, I hope you can explain something to me.  I've been looking over our income streams, and have spotted a bloody great black hole in the funds generated by the Kettering force.  What the f*ck's going on with you and your guys?  You better not be holding out on me!"

MW:  "Keep your knickers on FFS!  It ain't like the old days!  We can't just go around an' squeeze businesses for protection money.  We have to be cuter."

AS:  "So?  Where's my f*cking brass?"

MW:  "We used to have a tasty little scam at Kettering Town Football Club.  We'd give them a bell and say that we had to supply dozens and dozens of officers to cover their games.  The best bit about this shake-down is that they had no choice but to pay us our wedge.  I remember one time we managed to send paddy waggons, motorbikes, helicopters, the works.  An' they were only playing f*cking Alfreton!  We just said we had "intelligence" that there could by a bit of a dust-up, and we could set our own price!  It was sweet."

AS:  "So what happened?  Why ain't the moolah still rolling in?"

MW:  "Bugger me if they didn't get bleedin' relegated so many times we can't possibly justify mass policing, 'cus there aren't any away fans.  It's bloody hard to pretend there is a safety problem if there's no one to protect anyone from!"

AS:  "I don't give a flying f*ck about your problems.  I want my wedge!  You got that?  Now, how are you going to sort this?"

MW:  "Well, we've had reports that some of the Kettering supporters are illegally parking on verges around the ground in Burton.  We haven't done anything about it as they are parking out of the way of the residential area, and not blocking the paths or highway.  We thought it best to let it lie for the time being..."

AS:  "ARE YOU SH*TTING ME!!!  Am I the only one who can smell a "Cash Cow?"  I want your geezers up there today!  Start handing out some fines.  Jeez, do I have to tell you how to do your bleedin' job!

MW:  "It may look like we're being petty and vindictive.  It could turn ugly when the fans see us do this.  I mean, it's not like nicking kids or knocking around drunk girls on a Friday night - these bastard's might kick-up."

AS:  "Then wait until the f*cking game kicks off before you hand out the tickets.  As soon as the ref blows his whistle your cowardly bunch of tarts can crawl out of hiding and start writing tickets.  It ain't Rocket Science!  Just get me my readies, and get them NOW!"

MW:  "Yeah, yeah.  You're the boss.  Almost 6% of the people in the County voted for you, so you must be in charge!"

AS:  "Leave it you slag!"

Work quick!  I can see Penfold coming!

Thursday, 21 November 2013

We've seen off Ladak, now for Rolls

The club have asked us all to dig deep once again and assist the club by clubbing together to cover the £1500 a month payable to our CVA for the next 20 months.  It's becoming clear that supporting the Poppies can be many things, but the main thing seems to be "expensive!"

I feared that compassion fatigue had set in amongst the Poppies brethren, but it would appear my negativity may be premature.  A number of far flung Poppies, who can't necessarily get to games are chipping in.  As ever, The Trust is coming up with ways of raising money, such as events, pledges and launching a half-season Club200 membership, with all takings going straight to covering the CVA.

Many supporters who, until now, have stood back from financially helping the club survive, for whatever reason, have an additional opportunity to dig deep and help the Poppies survive.

Hopefully the club will also take a bit of a lead and spell out better how supporters and businesses can invest in the club via Match / Ball / Player / Programme sponsorship.  The official website still discusses sponsorship options at some place called "Nene Park".  Unless Latimer Park has "Executive Boxes" which I've so far missed!  What does it cost to sponsor a ball at Latimer Park?  What do you get for your money?  How do find out?  Addressing all and any enquiries to Ken Samuel can't be a sustainable business model!

Whilst I appreciate that overhauling the website hasn't been top of anyone's list of "things to do", I can't help but feel the club might be missing out because the website is woefully haphazard.  A well maintained website could be our best, most important marketing tool, but our website is painfully poor. The most bizarre aspect of our curious site is the player stats which tell you all you need to know about Legends like Roy Clayton and James McPike, but bugger all about Henry Eze and Steve Kinniburgh.

The CVA was, as we all know, instigated by one-time, future Poppies murdering, footballing banned, wide-boy, George Rolls.  Not that you'd know it based on the documentation, as George's name doesn't appear anywhere.  It was left to our, then, one Director, Gary Graham to be the solitary signatory, keeping George's pudgy hands well and truly clean. 

Sad to say, but in reality, it could be strongly argued that George's completely unofficial decision to enter us into a CVA was the action that ultimately saved the Poppies.  OK, a lot of people got screwed over financially, and we've suffered 3 relegations, but without this action we would have gone bust and ended our days at Non Park a couple of years ago.

I suppose this makes Rolls a Poppies hero?  Of a sort.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Eh? What?!

"Jon - I'm your man!"
Yeah, I read this story too and thought the same thing.  No, not what happened to Laurie Walker?  No, not are we really so far behind Brackley these days (although the insanity of that is never far from my mind.)  Or when will Turley f*cking retire and become a full-time low-life.

Obviously the real story in the above link is HOW CAN DARREN COLLINS BE ONLY 46?
Seriously.  How is that possible?  I'm absolutely certain that he was older than me when he played for us.  Now he's younger!  When did this happen?  Do footballers age differently to the rest of us?

Actually that last sentence is not as strange as it sounds.  One time Poppies sideways header of the ball, and PATGOD correspondent Guy Branston has seemingly been 31 or 32 since he joined us back in 2007.  Even now his age is given, usually when he is being loaned out or sent off, as 32.  Does he age slower than us mere mortals?  Or, is it the case that players who are 31 have a far better chance of securing a 2-year contract than a 33 year old?  That can be all the difference in the world when squeezing a last professional contract from an all to short career.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

The last link with Rockingham Road?

News that Brad Piercewright has probably left us means that none of our remaining players has ever played for us at Rockingham Road.  His arrival this season was a surprise to all.  When we thought about which link with Rocky Road we might carry forward for our return to the Borough most of us thought we might get some of the ground slabs, a bit of cover, or even the non-working clock - not a player from our distant past.

And, as far as I can tell, in Will (he of the powder-puff-penalty taking) we also have the last player in our ranks to have played for us at Nonce Park.  How quickly things turn around eh?

As hard as he tried for us, the image of Brad being roasted time and again in the first month of the season, as defeats piled up meant his time would be up once we acquired better defenders - enter Henry, and exit Brad I'm afraid.  And with him probably the last man to have played at our spiritual home.  Until JP arrives of course.......

Happier days for Brad in Tiverton.  And for us.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Come on you Reds!

With Chris Logan's "will he or won't he" situation still in limbo, we face the prospect today of attending a home game today and come face to face with a pair of home gingers.  Who knows, by the 3pm today the enormously glamorous pull of Desborough Town may prove to be too much of an attraction, and he will be on his way.

But, should he choose to remain with little old us, 1/5th of our outfield players could be Duracell tops, now we have Tommy Hull in our ranks.  And we're not talking strawberry blond here, or a Brett Solkhan, bit of a reddy-shade under certain lighting conditions.  No, we are talking f*cking scarlet!  These guys will get sun burnt from the light from an open fridge!

This situation doesn't sit entirely comfortable with PATGOD.  Many years ago we kind of instigated the chant of "FREAK!" whenever we came up against an opposition orange head.  It was a fun time when we set the agenda for terrace behaviour for an entire generation of Poppies fans.  Every week, another ginger and several bellows of "FREAK!" punctuating the afternoon.  Having handed this exclamation to the supporters it was taken on wholeheartedly, and even evolved over time.  One moderate afternoon suffering through a poor home performance was instantly lifted when an opposing player of slightly Mediterranean appearance found his every touch greeted with a chorus of "GREEK!"

It's just as well we don't have away supporters anymore or these guys could be in for a rough afternoon!


Saturday, 2 November 2013

Did I miss the Poppies "Golden Age?"

It always amuses me when a terrace mouthpiece opines, "This is rubbish football", or "Keep it on the deck".  The latter exclamation always makes me chuckle.  Usually because a few seconds earlier the same person has screamed at our defence, "Clear it!  Clear it! Row Z!"

We know the level of football we are at dictates the quality of player and football on view.  We are one level above the UCL, what do our supporters expect?  Performances that would make the Barcelona team quake in their boots?

The more I think about it, so many Poppies fans mention the threadbare quality of the football these days, that they must have previously experienced a "Golden Age" of Kettering football, and want to see it again.  Very laudable.  The only problem is that I can't remember it.  When was it? When did we have this period of playing perfect, sexy football everyone else seems to hark back to?

Was it during the Lawton or Atkinson eras?  I don't know.  Both were before my time.  And more than likely before your time too, given that Big Ron's successful spell was now 40 years ago!  But did these periods really produce sparkling football, given the heavy balls, heavy pitches, heavy players and heavy sideburns?  Doubtful.

Was it during the Mick Jones era when we were free-scoring but still never actually won anything?  Surely if the football was pure champagne we would have won a few leagues or at least the Trophy against Stafford?

Alan Buckley's reign arrested the 1980's slide towards being perennial relegation zone fodder, and Peter Morris's first stint did much to build on Buckley's work and establish us as a genuine power in the non-league game.  But was the football especially breathtaking?  Not from what I recall, and the host of 1-0 wins would suggest.

Our functional football carried on through the next handful of touchline ranters.  The closest we ever came to being footballing primadonnas came during Morrell's first stint with the club.  However, to put this period in context, we were the only full-time team in a division of third-rate part time and jumped-up park teams.  We played some incredible football at times.  It is doubtful that supporters of Clitheroe ever hear the name Kettering without suppressing a shudder.  That said, even being bank-rolled by DRC to the tune of 100 billion a year, we still didn't win the bloody division!

Mark Cooper's all-destroying team which got us back into the top division was made up of very good players, effectively beating all that was put in front of them, but Cooper being Cooper, would never allow the actual football to ever rise above being strictly functional.

And, given the club's downward trajectory since Cooper left to conquer the footballing world at Peterborough, I can't see how our supposed "Golden Age" has happened since.  So, when exactly did it happen?  I fear the only place it happened is in the minds of some of our more blinkered brethren.  Let's be honest - we turn up and watch our team because it bears the name of the place we come from, not because we are acting as guardians of our reputation as purveyors of magical football.  When one of our players strikes a ball which hits the back of the opposition's net I cheer.  When the game ends and we've done this more than the opposition I cheer again.  The odd bit of skill thrown in there, and a shapely opposition physio or pretty young female ref are all I ask.  That's enough for me.  I'm never going to pretend otherwise.