Sunday, 30 March 2014

Normalilty returns to the Poppies

A belated, "Welcome to KTFC" to Dean Thomas
from the Poppies fans.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Twenty One and Counting

Although it was obviously disappointing to drop a couple of points at home yesterday to a Chalfont St Peter team that scored with pretty much their only attempt, the fact remains that our team has now gone 21 league games unbeaten.  A phenomenal statistic, no matter what division you play in.  But, other than our unbeaten run reaching the "key of the door" stage, what else did yesterday teach us?

Hail can be painful!  My ears are still tingling from the first half pelting they took.

As a team, the Poppies still struggle to win in front of large crowds.  Yesterday's attendance of 729 was the fourth highest in the division this season.  We have been involved in the top 5 gates of the season, and only won one of them, the 4-3 against Aylesbury United, which barely counts as it was one of our "last ever games" and the script for that topsy-turvey game was already written!

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea in the world to remove the trees from around the pitch.  Now we have uninterrupted views of a huge empty field, and the backs of dozens of Burton houses.  And the balls take longer to be retrieved without the effective backstop of conifers.  And there was nowhere to shelter when the heaven's open.

I finally understood a joke from a copy of "Viz" from about twenty years ago.  In the strip, "Nobby's Piles", the aforementioned Nobby is forever hurting his piles and resorting to strong language and colourful rhyming slang to describe his continued agony.  One expression he used related to him "crushing his Chalfonts".  For some reason I'd always thought this to be a reference to Chalfont St Peters, and assumed this pun was beyond my understanding.  My good friend and fellow Patgodee, PW quietly explained that the "Chalfont" in question was Chalfont St Giles.  St Giles!  Piles!  I get it now!!!!  Very good.

Nobby's Piles - Chalfont St Giles.
We can all get a joke when it's clearly
and patiently explained to us......

When our gates are about the 600-650 mark everyone seems to be behind the team.  Once you get beyond 700 we've used up all the encouraging fans and start to tempt back the moaners.  One particularly confused moaner near me berated the team for being pegged back to 1-1 with the curious deduction that "A draw's no good to us, it's worse than a defeat!"

If we continue to get penalties awarded to us like this one, we will surely break the world record for most penalties in a season.  I believe the accepted term is, "soft".

The burger van is the right colour, but otherwise just takes up room.

Crows take no shit from Red Kites.

Henry Eze in full flow is more fun to watch than Michael McIntyre, Eddie Izzard and Lee Evans put together.

When the forecast is for rain, perhaps waterproof clothing should be considered!

Sunday, 16 March 2014

If this is the last post on PATGOD, you'll all know why!

Just as you think you've heard the last of our former self-proclaimed hard-man psychopath, up pops Dave Deeney again.  Not content with "telling it like it is", and "shooting from the hip", nor indeed ever going twenty minutes without tweeting something either violent, sexist or both, he has had it in for us Poppies fans over the past few days.

Using social media to threaten to knife and stamp on the heads of any Kettering fan who might verbally abuse his brother Ash on Thursday night isn't, one would suspect, the main reason Tim Berners-Lee invented the Internet.  No, as we all know, it was invented so that nerds could argue the merits of Kirk against Picard.

A quick trawl through the twenty billion tweets DD has sent just this month, leaves you with the sense of being in the company of someone who, if things go against him could easily flip out.  You just hope that when he does, he's  nowhere near the cutlery. 

Then you read that he works with kids and your jaw hits the floor!  One assumes his online history has had no bearing on his employment status!  I'm not sure that his chosen heading of, "Say what i think to whoever i want,literally dont give a fuck" reflects well on his employers at "Premier Sport - Inspiring young people through P.E. and sport". Even his club, St Neots allude to his, ahem, outspoken nature, by referring to him as a, "voice in the dressing room...."  Of that we're sure!

At times like this you really hope that you are in the presence of a bona fide Keyboard Warrior, if only because any other explanation would be too scary for words.

Dave Deeney's footballing prowess surely can't be questioned though, can it.  After all, as he was fond of telling everyone before wisely making his Twitter account "Protected", he plays in a division higher than the Poppies.  It must mean he's good.  Doesn't it?  Even though Dave played the first 7 games for us this season of which we managed to lose 5, we can't lay all the blame at his door.  Can we? 

No, it would be unfair to blame such an obviously talented footballer for the numerous thumping defeats we experienced with Dave in our ranks.  Mind you, it is worth noting that ever since the Deeneys were shown the door on the 21st September 2013, the Poppies have only lost one league game.....Pure coincidence, I'm sure......

"Where's my f*cking big knife?"

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Ben Bounces Back (to St Neots)

Again, from the official website.  This time for real!

Ben Ford is to rejoin St Neots Town

Even us, with our occasionally warped outlook on all things Poppies, couldn't make this up!

We particularly like the line from the report, "Once again, we can only wish him well in his football career."

Auf Wiedersehen Young Master Ford.....

"FFS Ben!  Thanks for making me look like a dick!"

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Sting lays into the Poppies

News that the trees surrounding the pitch at Latimer Park have started to be felled has not met with universal praise.  The local population are not happy that they might accidentally observe the Poppies in action.  They are even less impressed by the possibility of footballs flying through their windows.  Needless to say, the pigeon population isn't entirely joyful at the loss of valuable roosting area.

But the loudest complaint thus far has come from Mr Gordon Sumner.  Mr Sumner, a tedious old rocker and eco-warrior, better known by his stage name Sting, has taken to Twittersphere to lead the fight against today's tree felling in Burton Latimer. 

"This is truly shocking!  How am I supposed to bully strange, smelly foreigners into not destroying their forests when I turn around and we're chopping down firs in my own country?"

"FFS!  How are Bono and me supposed to save the planet when Kettering Town Football Club have taken it upon themselves to piss all over our great work?  All this after I almost chipped in a few quid to your Just Giving Appeal."

"I'm not happy!  And I'm Sting!  People take notice of me!"

"Oh, and I've got a new album of Gregorian chants set within an early 20th Century industrial sound scape, out on Monday.  Reserve your copy now."

Sting, during a previous visit to Northants when
he spent some time with
the indigenous inhabitants of Rushden

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Ben Bounces Back

Taken from the Kettering Town FC Website: -

"The Poppies are delighted to welcome back old boy, Ben Ford, who has re-registered with the club, and is available for this afternoon's game with Marlow.

Ben's return will mark his 27th stint with the club, only leaving the previous 26 times whenever a better placed club has come calling. Or he was offered more money. Or a better quality team kit. Or he fancied living in a druggie estate in Manchester.

Whilst away from the Poppies Ben has been working hard on such elements of his game as playing for the whole 90 minutes. Not complaining about the quality of his teammates. Concentrating on the game in hand, rather than planning his next move. And mixing his strolling about with the occasional bit of running. It is hoped that these new traits, thus far unseen by Kettering fans, will enable Ben to add to the 7 appearances he has accrued during his numerous stints with his home town team."

PATGOD backs the Club's Statement and welcomes back Ben. Assuming he hasn't left before we kick off today.

Ben and Dad Harrison -
happy to be back!