Thursday, 31 March 2011

"And Another One Gone, Another One Gone...."

As our cost cutting exercise continues and Christie has been moved out to Nuneaton Town it struck me that this meant we'd hear no more renditions of, "He used to be shite, but now he's alright..."  - possibly one of the crueler songs aimed at one of our own.

Was he previously "shite"?  I thought he did OK for us the first time around.  Mind you, back then when Imraan was throwing the cash around, and Christie was surrounded by the likes of JP, Westcarr, Beardsley, and Seddon, we probably assumed we would replace him with another highly-paid star.  Unlike today when he would be lining up with whoever we could prise from UCL obscurity.

The last we'll see of the tighest
pair of shorts in football - until
he comes back for his next spell!
Christie himself didn't think he'd been "shite".  Whilst being interviewed on the radio straight after the Diamonds win (still pleasant to type!) Christie was asked his reaction to his new song.  In a "little-boy-lost" voice he answered, "...I thought I did OK back then.  I scored some goals....".  Presumably moments later he started crying and hugging his comfort blanket. 

This incident made me think of the number of times we supporters have thought up hurtful songs about our players.
I mean, do we have any actual physical evidence that JP smokes marijuana?  Sure, he sometimes floats around the pitch in a bit of a daze, but I can't recall him ever crashing into Snappy-Snaps, or getting an attack of the munchies during a match.

Likewise, was Dougie Keast actually a "thug"?  Sure, he put himself about in our late 80's / early 90's midfield, but I suspect the epithet of thug was used simply because it rhymed with Doug....  His song could just as easily have been, "Keast, Keast - Keast the beast", although, it would hardly have been an improvement!

We know that Johnny Dempster is a red.  For better or worse, Craw£ey play in the same colour as us.  But do we know for certain that he "hates Diamonds" or does he perhaps have a soft spot for a club that gave him his break into football?  I know which answer I hope is right, but can we ever be sure?

Not all songs are abusive in nature.  In the early 90's the Poppies faithful strove to be as helpful as possible to the away supporter or the neutral in the crowd when identifying our players.  Our strike force of Alford and Arnold each had a highly descriptive chant.  Alford's declared that he was, "six foot two, eyes of blue", (the most beautiful shade of blue, just like drowning in a warm ocean....ahem) whilst his partner was helpfully described as, "Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian Arnold with no hair". 

Even the most casual observer would have been able to tell which player was which from these descriptions.  Lest us forget, there were no names on the backs of shirts back then!

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Who knows.....

"I honestly can't think of any more excuses,
we were just crap!" Justin finally comes clean. the Poppies are only three points behind the Scum, who are also about to have a points deduction, maybe, just maybe, Radio Northampton will stop desperately talking up the Direones' infinitesimal play-off chances?

Or maybe to keep the Direones-loving public engaged, Radio Northampton's new angle will be about Justin Edinburgh's team gallantly battling against the drop?

Tune in to find out!

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Fascinating Facts about Eastbourne

Eastbourne has been unfairly labelled as "God's Waiting Room" due to the age of its inhabitants.  Since when was an average age of 102 considered "old?"  100 is the new 70 don't you know!

Becky Mantin - nice!  If you thought we'd include
a photograph of Michael Fish here, you really
haven't been paying attention as to how this blog works!
The most famous native of Eastbourne is weatherman Michael Fish who will always be remembered for calling just ONE storm incorrectly.  Thousands of other correct forecasts were instantly forgotten just because he got this one wrong.  People are so fickle!

Local point of interest is Beachy Head, which at 162 metres high is the highest chalk cliff in Britain.  Having stood on top of it I can personally attest to the awesome height of the cliff, and can fully understand how it has a 100% success rate when it comes to suicide attempts!

A few notable students have attended college in Eastbourne over the years including Aleister Crowley, George Mallory and Eddie Izzard.  No clues as to which one is which, but......

One of these men was an infamous occultist tagged, "The wickedest man in the World", which was a bit harsh as both Hitler, Stalin and Walt Disney were in their pomp at the time!

One of the other men may have been the first person to climb Everest.  Unfortunately, we will never know if he made it all the way because he died during his expedition in the 1920's, only for his perfectly preserved rump to be discovered near the top of the mountain some 70-odd years later.  Not the most dignified position to be left in.

And the last one of the three is a painfully unfunny cross-dressing comic who will be best remembered for running 40 odd marathons in as many days for charidy.  Next time, just sit in a bath of beans - it's quicker, infinitely less painful and at the end of the day you've still got plenty of baked beans for your tea.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Belated update from Guy

Hi everyone!
"A yellow card for taking my
shirt off?  The world's
gone mad!"
Just thought I'd drop you a quick line to let you know how fabulous I am I'm getting on on the English riviera.

Things couldn't be going better at the moment.  I'm leading my team (almost single handedly) towards promotion from League Two.  Couple more years and I'll be up in the Premiership where I belong!

Perhaps you've heard about my recent goal rush?  Have a butchers at the last thirty seconds of this -

Now, THAT'S what I was trying to do all those times with X's crap throws, when I just ended up fouling the opposition or nodding out for goal kicks!

Anyway, best of luck with whatever league you're in.


Monday, 21 March 2011

Goal drought rumbles on for top strikers

Cunnington - a kinda
goofy-looking photograph

Two big cash signings that raised eyebrows across the footballing world. 

Torres pondered long and hard before
putting pen to paper on his
Chelsea contract

Two teams with expectant fans who demand nothing but continued success and trophies.

Two attention-seeking, egocentric Chairmen desperate for glory.

Two players looking dangerously not up to the standard expected.

Two players who look like they couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo.  Even if the banjo was really, really big, and the cow's arse had a neon sign saying, "Hit me here!"

Which one of these players will blink first and actually score?

Assuming one of them ever will.....

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Radio Northamptonshire Strike Again

"I do like a bit of Gash!"
At the start of the season we contacted Radio Northampton over their seeming bias towards covering the Scum on their online commentary.  Why, for example were the Poppies away trips not being covered, rather than the Direones at Non Park.  Head honcho Geoff Doyle conceded that although they tried to cover whichever Blue Square game wasn't being broadcast by another station, it was, perhaps not the best use of their public broadcast mandate to cover a home team, where theoretically all the potential listeners would be at the game.

We thought this would mean that they would look to cover whichever of us and the Scum were on our travels.

You can't have failed to notice though the continued enormous slant towards covering the barely mid-table progression of Justin's team of evil nonces.

On the same day Radio Cumbria are sending people to cover Barrow's away game at Eastbourne, RN were faced with following us down to Hayes, or settling into the Radio Northampton suite at Non Park.  You'll never guessed which they plumped for.....

It wouldn't be so bad, but the few times they do rip themselves away from Edinburgh's ever-available teat, RN use a Direones fan to report on us!

Sorry Radio Northampton - this is simply not good enough!

We have sent an email to RN, asking if they would care to comment, and tell us exactly how many times they have covered both us and the Direones this season.  We will report back if they deign to give us this information (and it proves our point....!)

Friday, 18 March 2011

Fascinating Facts about Hayes & Yeading

Seymour?  Yes please!

Famous footballing nutter Glenn Hoddle comes from Hayes.  Or possibly Mars.  Certainly spoke from Uranus.

Feisty "Dr Quinn" and Bond beauty Jane Seymour is another Haysian who did good.  i.e., she left.

There is also the delicious rumour that Buster Bloodvessel lives on a canal boat in Hayes (presumably on the water...)  If that doesn't scare off the ducks, nothing will!

And that's it as far as Hayes is concerned.  As for Yeading, just think of Hayes, minus the glittering array of famous ex-pats.

The only on-line reference to Yeading concerns Yeading FC, who don't even exist anymore.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Sub 750 - that's the target!

Marcus Law and his boys take on Histon at Rockingham Road tonight aiming for the double of 3-points AND a sub 750 midweek crowd.  The coveted, "Attracting less than 750 for a midweek game", title has been fought over in the past few months by the "Mid Table" Poppies* and the "Play-Off Chasing" Diamonds* in an increasingly desperate battle.

"I'm So Ronery"

The Diamonds thought they'd won the race last week when 759 hardy souls turned up for their heroes throw away a 2-goal lead to Forest Green.  Justin Edinburgh commented, "When I looked around the barren stadium at the thousands of empty seats, I really thought we'd cracked the sub 750 mark." 

He added, "When the gate came through as 759 me and the lads were gutted!  What's wrong with our fans?  There was Champions League football on the telly and everything!"

Marcus is quietly confident his lads can pip the Diamonds to the sub 750 title tonight, "We managed to lose to a crap team on Saturday, when we should have been out of sight, and I know for a fact that Histon's official supporter count is zero.  If we can't break the 750 figure tonight, I don't think we ever will."

* Thanks to Radio Northampton for these handy, cut-out-and-keep easy-to-remember team descriptions!  These are available from our premier local radio station, alongside, "Slipping perilously close to the relegation zone Cobblers", "Hammered again Steelmen", and the "All hail the God-like Saints".

Sunday, 13 March 2011

The injustice of it all!

Has any team ever left Rockingham Road with less rights to our 3-points than Grimsby yesterday?  The former League team and their supporters showed nothing for the first 80 minutes of the game, except why they were now in non-league.  Their supporters were particularly poor - other than a quick "Boo" at half time they were the quietest group we've hosted all season.  Yes, Diamonds included.

And yet their team managed to do something we'd failed to do for most of the game.  They took their chances.  Unlike our strikers who wasted chance after chance during the second half, the Grimsby lads made the net bulge when it counted.  Yet again we were undone by a moderate team in the last 10 minutes.  And we all knew it was coming didn't we?  As missed opportunity followed missed opportunity we all knew we'd end up paying for it in the end.

Suddenly, the home game with Histon assumes a larger importance than it did a handful of games ago....

However, the result wasn't the only injustice handed out yesterday.  Regular readers will recall my bizarre, almost Gaddafi-style rant at my lack of luck with various Poppies matchday draws. You may even recall PW's amusing counterpoint to my lengthy whinge at Madam Fortune.

Just imagine my delight then when John "The Bastard" Cecil drew out the Club 200 number of my better half during yesterday's break!  Whilst I was obviously happy for her (somewhere very, very deep down) I couldn't help feeling that someone somewhere was having a bloody good laugh at my expense.  Actually, I KNOW this was true, because all of my friends around me seemed to be heartily enjoying the situation.

My mood wasn't lightened by seeing JC grinning like the bloody Cheshire Cat as he wandered back from the main stand, past me to take his place for the second half on Cowper Street.  I like JC, but Lord, it's sometimes hard to resist beating him to death with a thick wedge of losing raffle tickets.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Sometimes these things write themselves!

Hot on the heels of Corby's laudible attempt to achieve City status, comes the news that the Israeli swimming team intend to use their pool for training ahead of the 2012 Olympics.

The following statement has been released -

"Given that the violent, crime-ridden land in question has been in dispute between differing political and religious factions for many years, where an alien population, buoyed with obscene amounts of inward investment, has sat uncomfortably in the midst of its neighbours, we hope our being here will help foster peace and harmony."

Signed on behalf of the Israeli Olympic Committee.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Luck of the draw

By complaining recently about the half time draw odds being permanently stacked against him, my dear friend GL omitted to mention that he does have personal experience of the other side of the coin.

I can’t think how it slipped his memory.

Early in the 2006/07 season, he had the great pleasure of telephoning me to impart the news that I had won the Club 500 draw, as I think it was still known. The revelation that he was in fact incurring overseas call charges (I was sunning myself somewhere warm) obviously added to his delight.

Needless to say, on my next trip to Rockingham Road he was quick to congratulate me again on my good fortune, remarking that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.
Imagine therefore the reaction when, at the interval, I won the draw again!

To this day we still chuckle about it. Well, one of us at least.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Oops! Almost Forgot!

When Newport's hapless defender slid in the second goal for us into his own net last Saturday little did he, or most of us, know that the win his strike had sealed put us at the top of the all-time wins league at this level.  Although over entire history of the Conference we still trail Northwich by almost 30 points in the all-time standings, we have now won 411 games to their paltry 410.

We cannot afford to rest on our laurels though - Kidderminster are only 8 wins behind us, so, the way things are going, our record may not survive into the 2011-12 season!  Alty are a more distant 27 wins shy, whilst tomorrow's opponents Bath City are a mere speck on the horizon, being 171 wins short of overhauling us!

So, if for no other reason than to remain top "K" of the  Conference wins list, Marcus and his collection of teenage wannabees, red card loving 'keepers and out of position midfielders had better pull their fingers out and stick some wins on the board!

Fascinating Facts about Bath

Even though there is a Bath City, there is no Shower City, Bidet City or Toilet City (unless Corby somehow succeeds in their barmy plan to become a city of course).

Bath City was almost eclipsed by Team Bath a few years ago.  That's a bit like Kettering United overhauling the Poppies in the pecking order.  A ridiculous idea that looks unlikely to happen for at least a couple of years.
This caption was written before the
photograph was chosen, but I doubt you're
looking at a frumpy former Tory MP.

Bath is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.  Along with the Great Wall of China.  The Great Barrier Reef.  Stonehenge.  Canterbury Cathedral, and various other locations around the world.  The selection criteria to become a "World Heritage Site" uses such terms as "masterpiece of human creative genius", and "to contain superlative natural phenomena or areas of exceptional natural beauty and aesthetic importance".  We have proposed the Kettering Heritage Quarter, but have yet to hear back...

Bath features in every single novel written in the 19th century when the idle bastards who used to mince around while the rest of us toiled to death in the fields "took the water", or "spent the season" twitching their fans and pantaloons at one another.

Two polar opposites of female were both born in Bath.  One was the evil monster currently undergoing an unfathomable bout of popularity due to inability to move in any coordinated way - Ann Widdecombe, and the other is the second most attractive woman on God's green earth - Indira Varma.  One of these ladies' photographs will no doubt appear on this blog....