Thursday, 29 November 2018

It used to be easy coming from Kettering Part Two

The men of Kettering have never had to measure up to much.  We just had to be brighter than men from Wellingborough, and more English than the men from Corby.  Neither were much of a problem.  We certainly didn't have to worry about other men from Kettering ever achieving anything in life of any consequence, so we never had to push ourselves.

Then the cracks started to appear in our united front of mediocrity. 

Successful Kettering Ginge
There are only twenty men in the country who can lay claim to be Managers at a Premier League Club.  Of those only SIX* are English!  Of those six, one of the buggers just happens to be a Kettering lad!!!  Not only has Sean Dyche overcome the obvious drawbacks of being both ginger and from Kettering, he even went to Henry Gotch FFS!.  This man just keeps overcoming seemingly insurmountable hurdles.  Thanks for making the rest of us look crap Sean.  Thanks a bundle.

If Sean was alone in achieving success despite coming from Kettering all might be OK.  But, no he's not alone anymore is he? 

Successful Kettering Non-Ginge
Kyren Wilson is one of the top snooker players in the world.  That's "The World".  Not just one of the best players at the Windmill or Spot On.  The F**king World!  Not content with chasing the balls around the baize like the rest of us, he actually uses the holes almost constantly.  Bastard.
Successful Kettering Ginge II

So, snooker's out, let's play darts instead.  Whoa...where the hell did Ricky Evans come from?  A professional darts player from Kettering?  How is this possible?  I assumed we only played "Round the Clock" in Kettering.  But, no.  Ricky really exists, looks a bit gingery and wins matches on the telly!  Madness.

It's not funny.  And, coincidentally, nor is James Acaster.  A third bloody ginge from NN16 who is making far too good a career as a stand-up comedian.  Considering his entire act is based on wearing beige and being from Kettering he really is doing far better than he ought! 

Successful Kettering Ginge III
Even though most sane people still cringe through his regular appearances on "Mock the "Week" there's no arguing with his impact.

Hopefully that's all for now, and once these guys fade into the background again we can all safely go back to being anonymous people from an anonymous place again.

*correct at the time of writing....

Friday, 23 November 2018

Another Vicious Rumour!

We, at Patgod Towers are absolutely devastated to hear some people believe we've lost our edge!  They are suggesting middle-age and comfort have in some way doused the fire in our bellies.  Some point to the way we used to challenge the club at every turn and hold the mighty to account, and suggest we are now more interested in being in the sponsors lounge and hob-nobbing with the very people we used to pillory.

This couldn't be further from the truth!  We're still vital.  We're still setting the agenda.  We're still cutting edge and relevant.  We'll never back down from challenging those in power and holding them to a higher standard.

That said, we've sure had some pretty skies and sunsets at recent games, haven't we?

Ahh, Needham Market!
Ooh, Stamford!

And, not forgetting....

Ooh, Rocky Road.  Sniff.

Sunday, 18 November 2018

A Vicious Rumour

Well are sure it is nothing more than
a baseless falsehood, but we've heard that
this object may be of use again very shortly.

Saturday, 10 November 2018

Cash in the Attic

The accepted wisdom in our division is that the Poppies are wildly over-spending to try to win the league.  Those "in the know" know that our promotion push is costing the lofty, and conveniently neat total of £10,000 per week.  And that was before Dan Holman signed for us, so God alone knows what our rivals consider our weekly budget now?  £20,000?  £50,000?

Money and non-league football have always been uneasy bedfellows.  We know this more than most.  Imraan's attempt at buying footballing immortality went far beyond the income the Poppies could have possibly generated.  His Poppies adventure that saw us briefly at the top of the Conference before plummeting three divisions in a little over 12 months won't soon be forgotten.  This is the main reason I don't believe we will ever go down the road of utter unsustainability again.  A number of the fans who fought tooth and nail behind the scenes to rescue us from our Non Park / Steal Park Season of Hell are now in positions of authority within the Club, and on the Management Board.  There's simply no way they would allow us to slither down that same path.

Money does remain a thorny issue though.  Several years ago, when the club set-up an online fund to raise 20K towards getting us out of the Non Park lease, which was about to throttle the life out of us, the total was quickly secured by fans of the Poppies as well as other clubs.  Even though the majority was raised from amongst our own ranks, every Kettering fan will always be grateful for the contributions from supporters of other clubs.  We survived.  We rebuilt.  We settled at Latimer Park.  We started to fight back.  A heart-warming story you'd think?  Except for a handful of opposition supporters, who, seemingly believed that because they chipped a few quid towards our survival that the Poppies would never sign another good player, or ever dare to try to win promotion!  Presumably we should have just been grateful for ever and looked forward to annual visits to North Greenford United for the remainder of time?

What funds non-league clubs generate usually go towards the playing staff.  They have to.  An army of volunteers help fill most of the other roles around the club.  Do some of our rivals imagine the Poppies are any different in this respect?  There also seems to be some kind of "Badge of Honour" in being seen to have a small playing budget, but this is usually by clubs that have very few fans - Mmmm, I think I've solved that one.....!

Our loudest finance detractors really should know better though.  The hollow piousness of the AFC Scum-lite fans simply takes my breathe away.  As we all know, they've re-formed as some sort of people's utopia of footballing democracy.  And like any reformed addict, the are ball-breakingly zealous when it comes to pontificating on other club's assumed budgetary shortcomings!

AFC Scum-lite spend so much time voting on the colour of their underwear, and polishing their pennies that they have conveniently forgotten the pivotal role their former incarnation played in destroying the ethos of the non-league game.  Non-league had jogged happily along for more than a century, paying part-time wages, sticking a few extra quid in the socks of the start players, having moderate floodlights and drinking bovril.

And then Uncle Max had a dream, and (for a while) the bank balance to back it.  Just how a village team built a multi-million pound stadium, bought players for six figure sums, and had a full-time squad at this level are minor historical details that Direones supporters fans rapidly gloss over as they lecture the rest of football about the merits of their all-inclusive, East-Northants Soccer Soviet.

Their hypocrisy is truly breathtaking.  Let's be in no doubt, by setting themselves up as AFC Rushden & Diamonds they are honouring their former incarnation, who did so much harm to the "part-time" game.  For them to re-use the most despised moniker in football, while lecturing everyone about their financial prudence, serves nothing other than to grind the gears of every other non-league fan.

Saturday, 3 November 2018

It used to be easy coming from Kettering Part One

It used to be easy coming from Kettering, it really was.  There was never any pressure on any of us to achieve anything.  Keep your head down and shuffle through life without causing a ripple.  Just like everyone else who has ever come from this town.

Sure, very occasionally an individual from our fair borough managed to achieve a crumb of fame in the outside world - I'm looking at you, Knibb!  But, by and large us Kettering folk weren't expected to invent something, or discover something, or do anything but live reassuringly anonymous lives.  Back in the days of the printed Patgod, we devoted endless pages to just how comfortably bland everyone from the NN15/16 area was.  Happy days.
Stop being so bloody talented!

But then, some strange occurrences, well, occurred.

One day there wasn't Faryl Smith.  The next day there was.  She rocketed to singing fame even
though she was one of us!  Even the Poppies' best attempt to crush her spirit by mauling her attempt at signing ahead of our FA Cup Third Round tie with Eastwood didn't set her back.  She shrugged off our paltry efforts at sabotaging her burgeoning career, and, despite the handicap of being from our neck of the woods she became unremittingly successful.  She was genuinely famous.  She sold records. She was on the telly.  Unlike the rest of us tone-deaf local dolts, she could carry a tune.  And she came from Kettering.

But that was OK.  Faryl alone could be seen as a blip.  Knibb and Smith.  Two blips in over a thousand years of recorded local history.  We could take that.  There was still no pressure on the rest of us to be better.  Phew.  What a relief.

Oi, Hull!  No!!!
And then Charley Hull appeared.  We suddenly had a world famous sportsperson born out of our low-functioning local DNA.  Obviously it's only golf she plays, but for the love of God, she's world famous at it, and hails from the Holy City!  How have we allowed this to happen again? 

Don't the like of Smith and Hull realise the enormous pressure they put the rest of us under?  None of us have to be world-class, because people from Kettering aren't meant to be world-class.  We are all middling at the very best, and dammit, we were content with being middling.  And now these two have proved that the rest of us from Kettering are basically sh*t.

But let's not panic.  It's just the two girls doing their thing.  Us chaps don't have to worry about being any bloody good, do we?  I mean, it's not as though there'll be, say, a famous comic, snooker player and dart players hailing from Poppies-land anytime soon........