But, what if we HADN'T invented Shirt Sponsorship?

By now you can't have failed to see the new slick promo video the club has released highlighting the 50th anniversary of the Doog-era "Kettering Tyres" shirt - available from reputable outlets the length and breadth of Latimer Park.  In the comforting glow of watching the smooth camera moves, soft-focus loveliness and Dave Singh looking for all the world like a sub-continent George Clooney, few question whether the origin of yet another footballing money-making enterprise is really something to celebrate.  

I've never heard an opposition fan brag about the fact their club was the first to charge an entrance fee.  Nor have I read of a club giving equal veneration to hosting the first pitch-side advertising hoarding, but someone, somewhere came up with it.   In our case I suppose we hark back to it as it is one of our few claims to footballing fame.  We all love the Poppies, but let's be honest, other than our lengthy, often painful and hard fought continued existence, shirt sponsorship and wishing hard for an early Spurs exit from the FA Cup is pretty much what defines us.

The Doog really was ahead of his time with shirt sponsorship, but in the following half century there must have been hundreds if not thousands of fabulously designed football shirts ruined by jarringly inappropriately coloured ejaculate across the chest.  And I've never quite understood why the shirt sponsor is so slavishly copied onto the supporter replica version.  It's not as if a company logo stretched over the taut paunches of us gurgling half and quarter-wits will enhance the reputation of the sponsor.  At least this season's main kit sponsors at the Poppies are all local firms, so they had at least an idea of the girth and relative glamour of the walking adverts for their companies.  

But why are fans never given the option of opting out of being a shambling billboard?  Any other time you might find yourself carrying around an advert for a company you would rightly be expecting some sort of renumeration?  But not with shirt sponsorship.  We pay through the nose to unwittingly sign-up to whoever the Club gets into bed with for the next year.  It doesn't matter if they have questionable business practices, are run by toxic owners or are content to encourage dangerous levels of gambling (When the fun stops.....yeah, that'll work) we are stuck with them for good or ill.  

And while I'm on a roll, who or what the hell were "Coinweb?"  For 12 months we all blithely walked around with their logo front and centre without a clue who we were tacitly supporting.  They could have been a worthy charity busy alleviating famine, immunising against disease or tackling childhood mortality.  Equally they could have been a gun-running, Southern American Narco outfit, or worse, a firm allied to Nigel Farage.  Who knows?  Not us, that's for sure.

Dave Singh relaxes between takes
getting in the mood for his next cruise

"...Oh, oh I'm Trapped, like a football fan I'm in a cage...."

.....I can't get out, you see I'm trapped, can't you see I'm so confused, I can't get oooooooout....!"

So sang 80's funkster and possible Smurf-wrangler, Colonel Abrams on his dance-floor filler, "Trapped".  And if you've followed the Poppies away much this season you'll appreciate and share the sentiment in the good Colonel's words.

Another tough day at the office yesterday on the road for the Poppies.  Another backs to the wall effort.  Another grisly afternoon's weather.  And yet another segregated game for the travelling reds.  Depressingly, we all know why this is increasingly happening.  Even more depressingly, those among us who are the cause are unlikely to ever read this.  Or read.

Every time a bunch of our Burberry-wearing part-time teenage contingent angrily rattle a fence somewhere, looking for a fight they know they are never going to have, it is noticed.  Each gumped-up piss-head celebrating a last minute winner on the pitch rather than on the terraces is recorded.  These incidents are ruminated over by officials at other clubs or the local plod.  Or both.  The result - segregation for the rest of us.

Invading the pitch is only acceptable (A) when you win the league, or (B) when Ronnie Radford scores from 40 yards in the Cup back in the early 1970's.  We've missed the latter by half a century, and the former seems a painfully distant prospect, so keep off the f*cking pitch you dolts!

But there's the rub - do these fences cause more problems than they prevent?  Are we "rewarding" the tiny percentage of dicks who view a confrontational atmosphere as some kind of validation?

This is non-league.  We've all spent more years than we care to recall mixing with opposition fans, drinking in each others social clubs, and managing to co-exist without fighting each other.  A lot of it comes down to self-policing.  One of yours gets out of hand and someone has a word.  Bad behaviour is coached out of miscreants by those around them.  Tougher these days when some less than savoury 70's attitudes are reappearing and in some disreputable quarters, being positively encouraged.

When you are among fans of another team you soon realise that they are just people like us.  They are just suffering the terrible misfortune of being born elsewhere and wearing a different coloured scarf.  They are not an existential threat to our way of Poppies-supporting life.  They can't help being from a less-blessed place and as a consequence, forced to support a far more moderate football club.  If you want to feel anything for them, perhaps pity is more appropriate than anger?

When you separate the two groups of fans into separate, caged-of areas the atmosphere becomes immediately confrontational.  It's US versus THEM.  Abuse can be pointed in a specific direction at a specific group of people.  You are stood in an unregulated echo-chamber of a single point of view.  The experience becomes the very opposite of what non-league football has always been and should continue to be. 

Colonel Abrahams, rather on-the-nose with the 
imagery for his song "Trapped".
No signs of the Smurfs though.

No, No, No! Really?

"Attention Season Ticket Holders: Christmas Clash at Harborough Town.

The festive football calendar brings with it one of the most anticipated fixtures of the season: Harborough Town away on Saturday 27 December 2025, 3pm kick-off. And, judging by the early clamour for tickets, it seems Poppies supporters are treating this one somewhere between a cup final and a pilgrimage."

You can't have failed to spot the Harborough ticketing post on the the KTFC Website.  Above is the opening paragraph which has rightly been widely mocked on Social Media.  Not to risk the FOMO we thought we'd pull our size 11's on and join in.....

Christ, where do you start? Now, we don't necessarily believe that EVERY official club statement should be filtered through the prism of PATGOD, but, bloody hell, this one should have been. At least it could then have been read without leaving the taste of a bit of sick in the back of your throat. Unlike the club's attempt, we have taken the liberty of re-writing the above in a way designed NOT to coax stiffies in any readers from over the Leicestershire border.

Attention Season Ticket Holders - you know, you suckers who stumped up for the WHOLE season before we came up with a cracking part-season ticket offer. And, you know, those we screwed out of having a concession price at 60...yes, you lot.

It's bloody Christmas again, when games come far too thick and fast and the missus wants to drag you down to sodding Rushden Lakes so you can spend half a day trying to park the car and the rest of the day being bored out of your mind as 'er indoors looks at EVERYTHING on sale in EVERY store. And then buys all the gifts from the first shop you visited.

Sandwiched within this ruinous run of home games is a trip just up the road to the plastic school-pitch and rudimentary facilities of the painfully over-promoted and over-financed Harborough Town with their squad of expensively assembled mercenaries lorded over by the grinning beard of Mitch Look-at-my-enormous-budget Austin.

Barely one or two people have asked about tickets for this upcoming slaughter. Everyone else is busy cowering and hoping they will go bust before they can slap us all around their joke of a stadium which will look hideously out of place in National North if they manage to piss higher up the spend-what-you-can wall than Spalding before the end of the season.

Now, we know that playing Kettering Town is still more important to these pissant, bumpkin clubs than the air that they breathe, and playing us gives them their only chance of ever nudging a 4-figure gate, so the game will be all ticket. It's not a Cup Final. We've actually played them before. For real. At places like Wembley. It's also not a quasi-religious event. Some of us watched Poppies teams with Billy Kellock, Frankie Murphy, Phil Brown and Carl Alford in their pomp, so we know the difference. Lining-up to watch a half team of former money-grabbers who bottled their big chance last season when playing for us isn't much to write home about.

But we'll buy the tickets. We'll try to park somewhere near their tinny stadium. We'll piss in their portaloos. We'll try to watch the match through the gaps in our fingers. We'll continue to wonder if the Sun revolves around Dolman or vice versa. And we'll still be attending our fixtures in 5, 10, 20 years if spared, long after the private moolah swelling the Harborough Town coffers has been spent chasing the opportunity to take 3 fans on an away trip to Spennymoor and they are back playing park football, assuming they exist at all.

This is how the announcement could have been headed. KTFC - if you want to use this, it's not too late. Please feel free to cut and paste. We only want to help. We've spent decades coming up with pithy ripostes to more would-be rivals than Jason Alexander has made saves this season. And for the love of God, before you write such a fawning piece of sickly guff again, stop for a moment and ask yourselves one simple question, "How would PATGOD phrase this?" Then go for it!

Bloody hell guys, let's not give
Austin a bigger head than he's already got!

Here comes the Perfect Poppies Storm....

Oh happy days.  We know the soft-underbelly of Poppies fanbase need little encouragement to stop attending games and resort to sniping from the side-lines, while checking out Harborough's upcoming fixtures.

But can anyone recall in recent years such a perfect storm about to engulf us?

• Three straight, abject defeats on the road in a week - check
• Tumbling down the table - check
• Several Poppies games coming up (far too many) - check
• Club owners suddenly go quiet - check
• Expensive Christmas period coming up - check
• Team being chopped and changed - check 
• Sicknote Will Glennon ill again (seems to annoy some of our fans) - check
• Open the curtains this morning and it's pissing down - check
• Still a sub-standard home kit (sorry, that's one of mine....) - check

Assuming Latimer Park's much improved drainage does it's job today we look forward to seeing the other 500 of you later today....

It could be worse....er....er.....

That Sinking Feeling

On being handed a list of the players at his disposal, an England cricket captain once said “My God, look what they’ve sent me!”  Liam McDonald might have felt something similar the other night. Coming to terms with just what a task he has on his hands can’t be easy. A few weeks ago, just after his appointment, the message was: these are all good players - they’re just low on confidence. The updated version is missing the first bit.

So just how did we get ourselves into this mess and how do we get out of it? Let’s begin by acknowledging that the slide began well before this season. Almost exactly a year ago the Lavery team reached its peak before an alarming drop off set in. From Christmas onwards we only fleetingly looked like a team capable of promotion, and ultimately got what we deserved. You can take your pick from the theories why – directorial interference, heavy handed management, key players losing form – but the facts don’t lie: just 9 wins out of 21, mid-table form really. 

All of which set us up perfectly for a triumphant march to the title this time, but for a few niggling things, hardly worth mentioning but let’s air them anyway. Lavs stalked off and some good players followed in sympathy / pursuit of more money. Three other clubs in this division now have financial resources we can only dream of. George picked a complete clown as manager. And we went into the season with our most unbalanced, over hyped, papier mache squad since the golden days of Morell at Nene Park.

When Hollyhead was appointed, about the one positive thing from his CV that fans could agree on was that he seemed to know how to keep it tight at the back. An impression he was quick to dispel, by shipping three before the season was 45 minutes old and merrily fielding a back line of players not in their natural position. Meanwhile our only specialist CB, with a proven track record, found himself a bench warmer at best. Navigation may not be Lewis White’s strength, but he soon found his way to a club that was happy to make room for him. Wouldn't you? 

Weak at the back, lightweight in midfield and top heavy with strikers who all wanted to play but not necessarily with each other – what could go wrong? Not much!  Since Harborough first exposed our powder puff credentials our form has been relegation material – three wins, three draws, eight defeats - and getting worse by the week. We’re in trouble and we know it.

At least Liam, still in his grace period, can truthfully point out that the squad just isn’t good enough. Responsibility for that has to sit with the brains behind recruitment. Probably not Hollyhead, he had other failings. The path to recovery has to begin with an acknowledgement, not necessarily public but it will soon show, that Fabian is simply not a good judge of a player and is stepping back from transfer business. 

What that leaves him to do, who knows, but keep him away from the knife drawer please. Hand in hand with that, give Liam full control. He was brought in because of his pedigree at this level, is still spoken highly of by fans of his previous clubs, the guy clearly has passion and tells it as it is – back him to the hilt and that includes all of us. 

What’s in store in the next few weeks and months is probably not going to be pretty, as Liam tries to reshape his options and we're forced to muddle through. Overconfidence and naivety has cost us at least one season of progress. The goal now is to just keep it to that, and by the spring have the makings of a more settled team that can be properly competitive next time. 

Oh and take that bloody scoreboard down!

Having "KTFC" on your CV still opens doors. Unfortunately.

As time moves on and memories fade I do occasionally wonder if the younger fans coming through at the Poppies have any genuine grasp of what an existential threat to our club Rushden and Diamonds were.  I also find myself pondering the shared race memory that allows lads in their teens and twenties to sing about hating Stevenage Borough, Woking, and the aforementioned Scum, given they have more than likely never encountered these teams.  They just KNOW they need to be denigrated.  And that's OK by me.

The true fear, hatred and black despair caused by R&D FC cannot be quantified by those who weren't there to experience it at the time.  Whenever I was asked about them by supporters of other clubs I would describe the situation akin to having Manchester United set up shop 5-miles down the road, build Old Trafford out of the bones of your ancestors and then steal as many of our players and, let's be honest, our fans as possible.  

One thing is for certain.  AFC Rushden & Diamonds could NEVER replace their predecessors in the pantheon of footballing horrors we have survived.  No, Diamonds-lite are nothing but another, anonymous little club of nobodies that reduced footballing circumstances occasionally puts in our path.  Nothing more or less.  This is despite the continued and desperate efforts of their supporters to manufacture some sort of bitter rivalry and hatred.  A hatred certainly not shared by the people who actually run their club if their current hiring practices are to be believed.

Minds immeasurably superior to our own (and far more statto-centric) have noted that SO FAR this season AFC Scum's Management (a pair of ex-Poppies) have employed a full dozen of our former players.  Sure, some of them barely registered in their time here - Kieran Dawes anyone?  Anyone?

Other players were ones that could have been Poppies contenders - such as Will Mellors-Blair or Lamine Sherif.  Good players but never quite made it.

Still others leave you wondering at the fact they are still putting their aging bodies through the strain of semi-professional football - here Gary Mulligan, have a seat...

And then there's Bruno Andrade.  Bruno fucking Andrade.  He failed to impress during two protracted stints stealing a living from the Poppies - drifting in and out of games and mysteriously being picked ahead of far better players.  And then, we got to see him have ONE storming, match-winning performance.  Unfortunately it was for Bedford Town AGAINST us when he single-handedly cost us the League title.  Of course, football being the ultimate rollercoaster, Bruno now finds himself on the downside, chasing punts down the park on a bobbly patch in Rushden in front of a few hundred grizzling bumpkins happily recalling the Griggs-purchased success at Nonce Park and desperate to count us a footballing rival.  

Good - they deserve each other.....!

Remember us?  
Please......

Poppies at the Gates of Yet Another Dawn

Well folks, another new dawn at the Poppies breaks today with the Liam McDonald era kicking off against perennial pissy, party-poopers St Ives.  Liam must be hoping for 3rd-time-lucky-manager-of-2025 and get a good start with plenty of the season left after bottler Hollyhead-ed for the exit.

In many ways this season has gone exactly like last season, with one small difference.  Last season our rise, dominance, cup run, team fragmenting and eventual failure followed by managerial change took all 10-months of the season.  This season, the club, showing remarkable efficiency has packed all of the above into the first two months of 2025-26.  

• Good start - five straight wins - check!  
• Both tilts at Wembley done and dusted early doors with great aplomb!
• Team falling to pieces in front of us - not everyone can shed all their strikers in a fortnight!
• Form hits rock bottom and any sack of shite can give us a pummelling.
• Manager sacked / resigns / mutual consent - take your pick.

Yes, the whole of the 2024-25 season neatly wrapped up before November.  Now what?  The same again?  Another new set of players for us to barely have a chance of committing to memory?  A challenge for the league, or mid-table consolidation?

Who knows, but it should be exciting.  Except, this is Kettering and we'll probably fumble that too.....

Not exactly a "poison chalice", but
can you have a "poison shirt....?"