Scanning what passes for the sports news
each day (ooh look another quiz), you might find yourself drawn to stories
about how we will emerge from the lockdown.
Even, maybe, whether sport can take place before then?
With rather too much time on our hands, Patgod has studied the options. In the process we have, regrettably, ruled out any chance of football returning for a little while yet. But keep your spirits up – it will just make Gary’s opening quip on the next MOTD all the more hilarious.
With rather too much time on our hands, Patgod has studied the options. In the process we have, regrettably, ruled out any chance of football returning for a little while yet. But keep your spirits up – it will just make Gary’s opening quip on the next MOTD all the more hilarious.
Darts
Barry Hearn thought he was on to something
with his idea of showing top players competing from home, thumping in maximums
in the spare bedroom. The flaky results suggested that not much winnings had
been invested in a decent broadband connection. But more than most sports,
darts needs atmosphere. Without all the theatrics it’s just two blokes chucking
little arrows at a board – or two boards in this case.
Lockdown entertainment factor: 5/10
Tennis
In theory it would work. The players are on
opposite sides of the court. They
generally don’t spit, at least not at each other. Even the umpire is adhering to the 2 metre
rule, up on that high chair. But in the absence of any foreign players the
standard would be terrible once you got below Britain’s no.2, and by live link and
with hours to fill Cliff Richard would still be able to sing. ALL of his back
catalogue.
Lockdown entertainment factor: 3/10
Golf |
| Ruled out on this basis alone |
What could be more socially distanced than two players taking turns to tee off at the 387 yard par 4? In fact make it even safer by insisting one of them is female, so she’s not allowed in the clubhouse afterwards. They could even carry their own bags. The absence of sycophantic spectators purring over every shot, even a horrible slice that eventually plops into the lake, would be no loss. People would watch it. I wouldn’t, because I still have some principles.
Lockdown entertainment factor: 4/10
Cycling
Although an officially sanctioned way to
get our daily hour’s exercise, that’s me or you on a wobbly bike pedalling down
a quiet country lane with just the birds for company. The rules of professional
cycling require that every competitor bunches up into a little fast moving knot
until they all crash apart from one person who is declared the winner then
fails a drugs test. It wouldn’t work. Lockdown entertainment factor: 2/10
Motor
racing
Hermetically sealed in their little
cockpits, drivers could race at no risk of infection. That is,
until they need a tyre change, or crash, and other people have to get
involved. The only way round this would
be to dramatically shorten the races to say one lap. Which actually would be an enormous
improvement.
Lockdown entertainment factor: 4/10
Cricket
With a few modest adjustments this has
potential. Stick a bowling machine at one end, ask the fielders to spread out
and adapt batting helmets to stuff in a mouth mask. Be prepared, though, for
confusion as to whether ‘mmff’ means yes or no when risking a sharp single.
Total absence of paying spectators will lend authenticity to county games.
Lockdown entertainment factor: 6/10
Snooker
A sport that really ought to be cashing in
right now. The players can keep a safe
distance (if necessary using the spider bridge) – and the referee already wears
gloves! No need for medics on standby,
diverting valuable resource, and without an audience we’d be spared the
annoying coughing. Quarantine off the
Crucible and get it on!
Lockdown entertainment factor: 8/10
So there you have it – snooker wins by a
long pot into the top right hand pocket. If ever a grateful nation needed a
neatly dressed young man thoughtfully chalking his tip, it’s now!
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