Monday, 10 January 2011

Fire Sale, what Fire Sale?


Roll Up, Roll Up, Bargains Galore!

Poppies boss Marcus Law has announced this afternoon that absolutely no more Poppies players will be sold.  Today.  Following the departures of Boucard, Dempster, Taylor, Dance, Abbey, Jack and Jaszczun, and the arrival of a minibus full of players from Barwell, as well as a couple of schoolboys from Milton Keynes, certain sections of the Poppies support have been a little worried about our chances of staying up this year.  Or fielding 11 players.

Marcus commented, " I can categorically state that no players will be sold between now (4.33PM) and 5.00PM today." "Unless of course, Steve Evans calls, in which case I advise all supporters to bring their boots with them on Saturday", he added.

One of our new signings (Towers) seems to have spotted the gulf between the Evo Stick South First Division and the Conference, and skedaddled back to Barwell already.  Despite being a ready made James Dance lookalike replacement, he figured that even with his greater height he still might be out of his depth.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

24 Years of Pain

It’s been a week for ending sporting hoodoos. First our 12 year jinx against the Inbreds then the 24 years since we beat the Convicts in a series down under. As an indicator of how long ago that was, Kettering Town competed on level terms against the likes of Frickley Athletic, and here’s how we lined up in the first game after we last sealed a series victory in Oz:

Harrison, Tillson, Mann, Caverner, Lewis, Wood, Wharton, Richardson, Crawley, Keast, Jeffrey.

The fact that two of that team are no longer alive adds to the sense of another era.
It’s actually a rather better line up than the result (0-2 v Wealdstone) suggests.

However little did we know it then but it would be nearly a quarter of a century before a Poppies team would trot out safe in the knowledge that the koala fondlers had been humbled in their own back yard. In the intervening years, we won two league titles, got to the Cup fourth round twice and went back to Wembley. Plus kept Gazza out of the courts for 39 days. England’s achievements pale by comparison as we shall see:

1990/91 – Poppies see in the New Year 10 points clear at the top of the table. Meanwhile England are surrendering despite David Gower’s heroic efforts to decapitate the Aussies in a low flying Tiger Moth.

1994/95 – Six foot two eyes of blue Carl Alford bestrides the Conference scoring charts as KTFC home in on 6th place. Meanwhile Mike Atherton declares with Hick on 98 and the resulting sulk sets a new Test record.

1998/99 – Morris’s boys beat Hereford to cement their place at the top. Meanwhile England again lose the Ashes in 11 days, which is less time than it takes to grow a slightly fuzzy, unconvincing moustache.

2002/03 – In sympathy with his cricketing counterpart, Carl Shutt allows the opposition to bat first and set a decent target. You know, 50 points or so. Meanwhile Nasser Hussain puts them in at Brisbane and before you know it another series has gone.

2006/07 – It’s neck and neck at the top of the Conf North as Morrell Maison’s entertainers battle with the mighty Droylsden. Meanwhile Fat Freddie Flintoff’s XI never recover from Harmison’s first ball going for six wides and lose 6-0. Even though it’s a five match series.

Peter Mallinger 2

PATGOD would like to add its voice to the tributes being paid to Peter Mallinger, who died on Friday. After the turbulence of the Mark English period he came in and for over a decade he proved to be a steady hand on the tiller. Once the Club's future post-English had been secured in Court by the Poppies Supporters Trust and the appointed Administrators, Mallinger became the new owner and delivered Conference level football for several seasons. Even when we were relegated he backed Carl Shutt to enable us to bounce straight back.

He was an "old school" Chairman who backed his Manager, was always working hard behind the scenes, on hand for the media and effectively smooched with the sponsors. On a one-to-one basis with the average supporter he was charming and every inch the benign club Chairman.

He was less comfortable when dealing with supporters en-masse, and famously tarred Poppynet users as the "Lowest of the Low" (not a bad assessment in many cases!!!) I honestly believe this slight schism was caused more by his generational unfamiliarity with message boards, and the spectrum of opinions that can arise from a group of people who all believe roughly the same thing.

To prove he was nothing if not a glutton for punishment, he took over at Corby after he sold the Poppies to Imraan. It must have been a pleasant change for him to finally deal with a council who understood the value of a vibrant football team to the community. It is a shame he never lived to see the new football ground he had tried to have built for almost 20 years, finally open.

Peter Mallinger

It's the fate of almost all club chairmen, like almost all managers, to eventually incur unpopularity and by the end of his time at Rockingham Road Peter Mallinger was no exception. However, the depth of feeling which has been stirred by his death is proof that on a personal level he was a good man with his heart in the right place. He put a lot into Kettering Town and can be forgiven for some errors of judgement along the way.

I can’t claim any close association with PM but in his early days at the club – back when I often made a night of it in the bar after games – we chatted a few times and he was open and friendly – even in response to my clumsy attempts at probing questions. He even managed to be quite amiable on the occasion I was summoned – headmaster style – to his presence after an article that caused a bit of a reaction. True he banned Patgod a couple of times, but with a resigned shrug, as if to say “you know I have to do this don’t you?”

There would have been no club for PM to buy had it not been kept alive by the Trust, but only latterly in his reign did he permit an element of supporter representation at board level. If that was a disappointment, it is a better record than his successor. However, like Imraan, there is no denying the personal financial investment which Peter Mallinger put into the club until he – like Ladak – decided that enough was enough, frustrated by the club’s inability to sustain itself in a decaying ground with limited resources. It’s all of 13 years since PM went public on the lack of support from the local council and look where we are today. Compare that with a club like Burton Albion, then at a crappy old ground in the Northern Premier, now established in League Two in a shiny new stadium.

With Mallinger’s backing we very nearly achieved one of those goals in his first full season. It remains the only time in our history when we kicked off our final game, potentially just 90 minutes from the Football League. Providing Kidderminster lost and we won 7-0. Look away now if you don’t want to know the result.

The only thing that stopped us going up that season was a goalscorer. Not a 20 goal a season man, 10 would have done. The signing of Carl Alford was intended to put that right, but no two seasons are ever alike and we were not to threaten promotion again for another 5 years, when a surprise challenge was ultimately undone (again) by the lack of a quality cutting edge.

Alford was the final throw before the money started to run out, and Alford became the symbol of how times had changed when he was flogged to Diamonds in 1996. Maybe it was the best offer PM had and he couldn’t afford to be choosy, but there were times when he seemed to be out of tune with the sentiments of supporters. Remember the nonsense about changing our nickname to the Lions?

In terms of the most important decision of all – choice of manager – Peter Mallinger’s record was patchy. He inherited Graham Carr, took a punt on Gary Johnson which proved to be inspired rather too late, went for the cheap in-house option in Steve Berry then let him go after he’d engineered a miracle escape from the drop, brought back Morris for a three card trick of 2nd place, Wembley and relegation, again went for the in-house option in Carl Shutt who he backed to get us back up then fired for being unable to keep us there with half a squad, then appeared to lose the plot completely afterwards.

It would be fair to say that by the latter years of his time at Rockingham Road, PM’s energy was waning and he was looking for a way out. He’d taken KTFC as far as he could and wanted to find a successor who could offer a better future. Few would argue that he made a good choice, and it’s a pity that for whatever reason PM had taken his allegiance elsewhere when the Poppies were again up there in lights.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

13 years, 8 months and 25 days of pain.

Shortly after the Direones trimmed us by the small margin of 5-1 on their first league visit to fortress Rockingham Road back in 1997 I have been planning my revenge. One act of rebellion I have always promised myself was to urinate from the roof of the DeBanker stand onto the pitch. Once I thought I'd do it when they got relegated out of the League. Bottled it then. I then promised myself I'd be getting out my ladder (no, not a euphemism) when we won again against them. I wisely decided it was far too cold for such an act on Monday. So it looks like I'll have to save my impromptu pitch spraying for when they go bust.....

Unlike it seems the whole of the Poppies support, I didn't see our first win over the Scum back in 1999. I was elsewhere in the County, no doubt excelling with bat or ball in the upper reaches of the Northants County Cricket League. Or carrying the drinks. Or even, making the drinks - can't really remember.

Needless to say, that game was the only League encounter I have EVER missed against the Inbreds. And as the years and defeats tumbled by, I had seriously considered not attending the Direones games JUST IN CASE IT WAS MY FAULT WE COULDN'T WIN.

So, when making the short trip to Non Park this week to cheer on a seriously weakened Poppies side I can't say I was too confident. But, as we all know, it is always darkest before the dawn and a couple of hours later I was being led, numb, away from the ground, scarcely able to believe I had just witnessed a particular bunch of men scoring less goals than another bunch of men. Lets not leave it so long in future!

Before I left for a tour of Rushden with my arse hanging from the car window, I remained proessional enough to grab a few quick interviews with some of the people involved.

Iyeseden Christie - "What do you mean I used to be shite you f**ker?" Get away from me you asshole!"

Justin Edinburgh - "I can't believe I've led a Diamonds team to defeat against Kettering. Even Talbot didn't manage that and he's a talentless, brain-dead numptie. That's my career f**ked."

Roger Ashby - "What's the fuss? I always win here..."

Marcus Law - "We tried to instill confidence in the - (phone rings) sorry, hold on a moment. Hello, thanks for calling back. I was just checking to see if I'd left anyone at Barwell who I could tempt over here for bugger all money, and playing in front of the biggest set of moaners on the planet? No, bugger. I'm gonna have to pick Westwood again."

The Radio Northampton commentators - "COME ON YOU DIAMONDS! HATE KETTERING, AND WE HATE KETTERING..."



This ticket needs to be seriously laminated, and quick!

Monday, 3 January 2011

Fascinating Facts about Rushden Anne Diamond

In the dark about both where
the shampoo was kept, and just
how bent Mark English was.
Most of what you need to know about our county cousins can be gleaned from the pages of old PATGODS. This honest repository of totally true facts tells us that: -

    
  • All inhabitants of Irthlingborough have 6 fingers on each hand which more often than not are also webbed.
  • Rushden men fancy their relatives, even though they are almost certain to be very ugly.
  • Cyclopes run wild at Nonce Park.
  • Trolls live under the bridge between Rushden and Irthlingborough.
  • Max Griggs was an evil tyrant who paid his workers in Diamonds tickets rather than money.
  • The Scum could field 11 scarecrows, but as long as they were wearing Direones colours (whatever they were that particular week), they would still beat any team of Poppies greats drawn from any period of our history.
  • Brian Talbot had bird shit in his hair for three straight years.
  • You sexy thing
  • In 1983 Anne Diamond joined with Nick Owen and current Luton Town Chairman Roland Rat to front the successful re-launch of ITV's breakfast programme, TV-AM.
  • Duane Darby is the ugliest man to ever draw breath.
  • At one point in the late 1990's the squad accounted for half the drug trafficking of the East Midlands.
  • The day they were relegated from the league I laughed so hard I gave myself lockjaw.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

300th Post - At last Imraan's Statement.....

...and it's pretty much as you were.

We aren't going to groundshare, or thank God, merge with the Scum or the Sweaty Socks. The fact that merger with the Scum was even considered tells us all we need to know about how little Imraan still understands about rivalry even after all his time here. It is a failing shared by a large number of Premier League supporters. Their league is the only important league in the world. By extension, their rivalries are the only real ones. I'm sure his attitude would be somewhat different if the talk was of Arsenal and Tottenham sharing a ground, or merging. I would also wager the strength of feeling between us and the Scum is stronger than the "more important" North London spat.

Although there is no definite news on the ground situation there appears to be some positive noises. We'll have to keep watching to see if any of these plans or phantom investors materialise.

Imraan's handling of the budget, the amended contracts, and staff turnover annoyingly shows up once again his rank amateurism when running the Club. Given the presumably good business sense he reserves for his day job, it's always struck me as odd how sloppily he runs the Poppies. Staff and players come and go, entry prices fluctuate, and an ever greater burden for keeping the Club afloat falls on volunteers and the Trust.

He hardly looks like the personifiction of evil,
but this man may have done more to kill
the Poppies than anyone else in the
last 139 years.
More interestingly, Imraan finally named and shamed Kettering Borough Council Chief Executive Dave Cook as the man who supposedly cost us a new ground in conjunction with Asda. It is difficult not to get angry the more one looks at this shameful episode. For a new ground and community sporting facility to be built on the edge of town all the Council had to do was nod. No money was asked for. No land. Nothing. Can you imagine any other council other than Kettering not jumping at this opportunity? Even leaving aside Imraan's unproven accusation that Cook not only knocked back this opportunity but tried to hijack it for the Council's own ends, we are still left with a shockingly bad decision by this, no doubt handsomely paid, unelected individual.

Cook supposedly turned down the Asda plan in order to protect the town centre. Bravo! All that happened was that Asda bought up Co-Op and still opened a non-town centre supermarket, and the town gained nothing by it. It's a pity that the Chief Executive wasn't so fussed about the town centre whilst it was divided up between phone shops, charity shops and kebab houses.

It would seem that we are to remain full-time until at least the end of the season. Whether Barwell's finest training a couple more times a week will be enough to keep us in this division remains to be seen. I guess Marcus will be earning his money between now and May.

Oh, and a Happy New Year to all!