Corby Itinerary for Hillier Cup

The following document has fallen into our hands, detailing the itinerary that Corby Town supporters will be following for tonight's training session, sorry, game.

Corby Unified Nipps & Tatties Supporters

5.30AM Arrive back in the bail hostel after an night on the rob.

6.00AM Drink a stolen bottle of whisky, and off to bed.

8.00AM Wake up. Pop out to local shop and nick more alcohol.

8.30AM Make sure the blow-up sheep is nicely inflated.

9.00AM Pop back to local shop and steal breakfast of Scotch pie and Irn Bru.

9.15AM Pop back to local shop again and set fire to it.

9.30AM Down the Dole Office to collect money.

Get a grant for £10,000 from the Government just because you live in Corby.

9.45AM Burn down the Dole Office.

10.00AM Score some smack.

Retire to bedroom for rest of the morning with the inflatable sheep.

2.00PM Wake-up and use someone else's PC to have a rant about Kettering Town. Use the term "sheepshaggers" at least three times in every sentence.

3.00PM Turn up at the Rockingham Triangle to catch one of the coaches going to Kettering.

3.05PM Steal building supplies from the new football ground being built for Corby and again funded by public funds.

3.06PM Burn down the workmen's hut.

3.30PM Arrive at Beeswing pub for 4-hour drinking session.

3.31PM Don amusing "see you Jimmy" ginger wig and hat combination.

3.32PM until 7.24PM Drink anything and everything you can lay your hands on, including slops tray, window cleaner and piss puddles in the toilet. Go on and on about how great it is to be Scottish, although you have never actually lived there, and swear undying loyalty to either Rangers or Celtic (depending on which side of the bigoted sectarian divide your ancestors just happened to be on). Mass brawl with members of other faction.

7.25PM Wank off to "Braveheart"

7.26PM Leave Beeswing, pausing only to set fire to it.

7.45PM - 9.30PM Attend game with hundreds of other Corby fans you've never seen before.

2.45AM Wake up in a field with no recollection of the previous night. Your trousers are down by your ankles, your loins feel spent and there are dishevelled sheep grazing contentedly around you. It dawns on you that the last thing you remember from the previous night was thinking to yourself, "Mm...I wonder what shagging a sheep would actually be like? Must be better than shagging my own sister? She's a right minger!"