Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Is Keith Cousins the Devil?

They say we know him by many names.  Beelzebub.  The Lord of Misrule.  The Father of Lies.  The Nail.  He may not have the horns of the forked tail, but it looks like we need to add the name of Keith Cousins to the list.  Not, we hasten to add, because he is demonstrably evil, or has spent eternity waging war on man's better nature.  Nor because he enjoys torturing lost souls for eternity in the fiery pit of hell, although we've equally no evidence this isn't the case.

"C'mon Imraan, just sign!"
No, one of the Devil's more under-appreciated talents was in the drawing-up of pretty damn air-tight contracts.  Whether it be Faust, Daniel Webster or Bernie Eccleston (you explain his success?) the Devil has tempted and offered contracts to eternally bind the greedy, morally bankrupt and the breathtakingly gullible.  On the subject of Imraan, one can only guess at the honey-dripping deal Cousins offered to foist Non Park upon us? 

Surely to rent out Non Park for £12,500 per month for 25 years (£.3.5 million), plus all utility bills for the entire site, plus all repair costs, plus maintenance, as well as hosting their f*cking car boot sale for free every Sunday, Devil-Cousins must have offered Imraan something special in return?  You'd have thought a couple of inches on the old todger and the telephone number of the new bird off "Countdown" as a bare minimum?

But no.  It would appear that the only other additional detail in the contract is that it cannot be broken.  Ever.  Even if the Poppies played elsewhere.  Cousins wants his wedge.

Of course, had Imraan performed due diligence on the stadium, showed Cousins's contract to a solicitor, or even casually flicked through the bloody thing himself, we wouldn't be in the position we're in now.  Where can we find a Portia when you need one to wheedle us out of a seemingly unbreakable contract? (you see Pete, I did pay a bit of attention in BJS's class!) 

No, Imraan signed as quickly as he could whip the lid off his pen.  Somehow a man who fancied himself as a Poker player and had two football ground owners outbidding each other in an effort to tempt us, had managed to play his hand so badly that just over a year later our club is relieved to have lost a home game at Corby in front of under 500 people.

So, how do we outwit Cousins if he truly has the Poppies by the nuts?  Easy.  Don't pay him another penny.  Pop the keys to the place back through his letter box and tell him to stick the sh1t-hole up HIS sh1t-hole.  He probably won't like this.  But what can he do?  Force the Poppies to play at Non Park?  Break Imraan's legs?  All he can do is appeal to have the club wound up.  I say let him.  I'd rather the Poppies were forced out of business than give him another penny.  If we go back to Irthlingborough we're dead anyway.  As I see it, Cousins has two choices.  He can either lets us go, or force our closure. 

Either way there's no more Poppies paydays for Satan and Imraan can piss off back to playing on his X-box!

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