Police Commissioner Adam Slime-monds, in an email exchange with Kettering Inspector, Matt Wrong: -
AS: "Matt, I hope you can explain something to me. I've been looking over our income streams, and have spotted a bloody great black hole in the funds generated by the Kettering force. What the f*ck's going on with you and your guys? You better not be holding out on me!"
MW: "Keep your knickers on FFS! It ain't like the old days! We can't just go around an' squeeze businesses for protection money. We have to be cuter."
AS: "So? Where's my f*cking brass?"
MW: "We used to have a tasty little scam at Kettering Town Football Club. We'd give them a bell and say that we had to supply dozens and dozens of officers to cover their games. The best bit about this shake-down is that they had no choice but to pay us our wedge. I remember one time we managed to send paddy waggons, motorbikes, helicopters, the works. An' they were only playing f*cking Alfreton! We just said we had "intelligence" that there could by a bit of a dust-up, and we could set our own price! It was sweet."
AS: "So what happened? Why ain't the moolah still rolling in?"
MW: "Bugger me if they didn't get bleedin' relegated so many times we can't possibly justify mass policing, 'cus there aren't any away fans. It's bloody hard to pretend there is a safety problem if there's no one to protect anyone from!"
AS: "I don't give a flying f*ck about your problems. I want my wedge! You got that? Now, how are you going to sort this?"
MW: "Well, we've had reports that some of the Kettering supporters are illegally parking on verges around the ground in Burton. We haven't done anything about it as they are parking out of the way of the residential area, and not blocking the paths or highway. We thought it best to let it lie for the time being..."
AS: "ARE YOU SH*TTING ME!!! Am I the only one who can smell a "Cash Cow?" I want your geezers up there today! Start handing out some fines. Jeez, do I have to tell you how to do your bleedin' job!
MW: "It may look like we're being petty and vindictive. It could turn ugly when the fans see us do this. I mean, it's not like nicking kids or knocking around drunk girls on a Friday night - these bastard's might kick-up."
AS: "Then wait until the f*cking game kicks off before you hand out the tickets. As soon as the ref blows his whistle your cowardly bunch of tarts can crawl out of hiding and start writing tickets. It ain't Rocket Science! Just get me my readies, and get them NOW!"
MW: "Yeah, yeah. You're the boss. Almost 6% of the people in the County voted for you, so you must be in charge!"
AS: "Leave it you slag!"
|Work quick! I can see Penfold coming!|