Under Pressure

As our World Cup campaign awaits its next dramatic twist (breaking news: John Terry forced to stand in corner holding a pile of books whilst rest of team do games), there has been much talk of the England players being unable to cope with the pressure.

Certainly things seem to be bubbling up towards some kind of tyre burst, probably involving Wayne Rooney, an opposing player's chin, and an early bath.

However, how much pressure are these players really under? The great Australian bowler Keith Miller once said, "Pressure? A Messerschmitt up your arse - that's pressure".

To the best of my knowledge none of the present England squad have ever had a German fighter up their jacksie, or indeed been involved in aerial combat of any description outside of their Xboxes.

Pressure - try being Italian, with several daily newspapers dedicated solely to football, 40 million armchair experts armed with conspiracy theories, and barrowloads of rotten tomatoes awaiting the team's early return.

Or Spanish - same loopy Latin temperament, plus culture of sticking the knife into wounded animals and WC record even worse than ours.

Or Brazilian - where anything less than regaining the trophy will send the suicide rate soaring in Sao Paolo.

Or from central America - where one defensive slip could be worse than career ending.

Or North Korea - where just one more seven goal thrashing could tip the Dear Leader into launching a warhead.

Or even one of the poorer nations, where this rare opportunity to perform on the world stage could be the passport to signing for a European club and earning shedloads.

All our players already earn shedloads. Most of them play for clubs who compete against the world's best already. They live in a cocooned bubble and hobnob with pop stars and pin up girls.

Too much pressure? The real problem is that they don't feel enough.