Oops! We seem to have left it just over a couple of months since part one of this reprint from Patgod issue 8. Hopefully this is just about long enough to avoid any of the "burst sides" we were worried about!
We don't recall indulging in mind-altering drugs during the production of Issue 8, but having re-read the following article, we wouldn't fancy trying to prove it in court!
1995-1996 Season
Rushden perform the unique feat of winning the First Division thus being the only team to win each division in consecutive years. The FA Cup and League Cup follow and they are only prevented from winning the European Cup Winners Cup when Diego Maradona scored a winner, seemingly off his zimmer. Roger Ashby says, "I'm disappointed for the 60,000 fans we brought from Rushden all the way to the final here in Vladivostok.
Northampton Town chairman comes clean and admits the new ground was really, and I quote, "A little white lie." At an extraordinary club meeting Dick Underwood stepped down and comedian and moments long Cobblers fan Bruce Forsyth was elected to the office of Chairman by a 2/3 majority of supporters and directors. The actual voting was, for - 20, against - 10, unable to sign a cross - 236.
Mr Forsyth's first action was to secure the team's new ground in the car park of the Las Vegas Hilton, where he was spending the season as 5th warm-up act for Keith Harris and Cuddles (Orville having been tempted away by Rod Hull as a replacement for Emu, who'd signed for Arsenal as their new centre forward). The Cobblers make the jet-lag suffered by opposing sides pay as they manage to finish 2 from the bottom.
Corby Town are relegated from the Kettering Sunday League for failing to fulfill over half of their fixtures. Newly appointed supporter-manager Angus McChunder says, "Corby who?"
Kettering Town come 2nd in the GMVC.
1996-1997 Season
Rushden win all the domestic trophies and defeat Inter Milan in the final of the European Cup. Roger Ashby's name is linked with at least 24 teams on the continent, but says, "Where could I go that can be any bigger than Rushden Town?"
Northampton Town are forced to return to England and are forced to share Peterborough Ice Rink with the Peterborough Pirates Ice Hockey Team. A number of the more attractive players win contracts to appear with Mr Forsyth on "Play Your Cards Right". The uglier ones get bit-parts on "you Bet!" The club enjoys one of its best seasons for many years because, " the playing surface was so similar to the one they played on at the County Ground."
Corby Town spend the season playing a series of prestige friendlies against various groups of youths who wander around the Exeter estate in the town. Keith McSkoda, ex-all in wrestler takes over the reins at the club because, "I'm the hardest bastard you'll ever come across, and I've got the only football."
Kettering Town finish 2nd in the GMVC.
1997-1998 Season
Rushden Town's capacity is raised to 125,000 in time to parade the clean sweep of trophies they capture. The club is invited to join a new European Super League. Town Mayor, and recently knighted manager Roger Ashby says, "It just so happens that I was looking for a league to put our 5th team in."
Northampton Town changes hands when Bruce Forsyth loses the club in a side bet with Ronnie Corbett during a pro-am golf tournament in Salt Lake City. As new chairman, Mr Corbett spends several hours introducing himself to the team. He promises a new ground, more players, sponsorship by his jumper manufacturer, and tells them an extremely long version of a joke his producer had told him a few nights previously.
Corby Town, under the leadership of Raith McSkoda begin a campaign at the Wellingborough Indoor Cricket League but bow out after one game. Mr McSkoda says, "It's a friggin' rip off!" In the ensuing scuffle Mr McSkoda partially destroyed the cricket hall and hospitalised 2 dozen police and firemen.
Kettering Town finish 2nd in the GMVC.
1998-1999 Season
Rushden Town supply the entire England football team which wins the World Cup, held for the first time in the Galapagos Islands. In a see-saw final they defeated surprise finalists Luxembourg 23-0. Rushden, England Manager, and recently appointed Papal Legate, Roger Ashby says, "The World Cup is the cake, but the league is our bread and butter."
Northampton Town play their fixtures in the back garden of Ronnie Corbett's house in Hertfordshire, while awaiting completion of their new ground which was being built in the centre of the large roundabout on the A43 on the way to Kettering. Mrs Corbett says, " I don't mind really, except when they tread on the flowerbeds."
Following the sentencing of previous manager Raith McSkoda to 25 years for assault and criminal damage, Neil Edwards returns to take over the club. He says, "We only intend to play in the Kettering and District Cribbage League until the club is back on its feet and able to afford a new football."
The Football League decide to allow the top 2 clubs from the GMVC into the league.
Kettering Town finish 3rd in the GMVC.
1999-2000 Season
Rushden Town again win everything. They even reach the semi-final of the Benson Hedges Cup before losing to Essex. A new T-Shirt is launched bearing the legend, "I SUPPORTED RUSHDEN WHEN THEY WERE IN NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL" Over 170,000 were bought in the first week. Manager, pop star, male model, cabinet minister and chatshow host Roger Ashby says, "Ain't life wonderful?"
Northampton Town move into their new ground but it is closed by the council due to lack of planning permission 6 1/2 minutes into their first game of the season. In an act of desperation Mr Corbett asks the County Cricket Club for their old ground back. The cricket club agrees on the condition that Mr Corbett agrees to make no more episodes of "Sorry!", and stops the BBC from repeating "30-odd years of the Two Ronnies". With this settled they return home and are promptly relegated.
Corby Town purchase a second-hand football and manager Neil Edwards says, "Now watch us go!" Luckily for the club, at that exact same moment the SDP Government, under the leadership of David "You can stuff proportional representation up your arse now we're in power" Owen, it is decided to remove the entire town of Corby back to Scotland allowing even a team as bad as Corby Town to win titles.
As a joke the FA allow the top 21 clubs in the GMVC to enter the Football League.
Kettering Town finish 22nd.
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