With the Premiership Christmas party season in full swing, here's the latest.
Parents of Chelsea players are asked to note the following timetable:
8pm - arrive at party
9pm - get tanked up
10pm - dressing up game
11pm - tequila shots followed by vodka & red bull chasers
12am - meet Santa
1am - film each other having sex
2am - jelly and ice cream
3am - punch photographer and assault taxi driver
Meanwhile Stoke manager Tony Pulis has played down reports of a frenzied bloodbath after he cancelled the players party in favour of extra throw-in practice.
"I'm disappointed with the way this has come out", he said, whilst assisting police with their enquiries into the deaths of six players and a member of the backroom staff.
"I was brought up that what happens in the dressing room stays in the dressing room. It's important for my surviving players to have trust that whatever is said and done will remain within those four walls".
"This is player power gone mad".
Final result from Liverpool Magistrates Court:
Club DJ 2 black eyes, Steven Gerrard 0.