Sunday, 18 March 2012

Report to the Central Police Intelligence Unit from Northamptonshire Police

Thank you for your recent intelligence updates for the Kettering Town game against Lincoln City, and yesterday's fixture with Alfreton.  You will be pleased to know that our concerted efforts led to a 100% success rate on both days.  Based on your intelligence we instigated the following precautions: -

  • Saturation policing at the football ground
  • Police presence at Rockingham Road too, just in case
  • Holding in custody of anyone we saw wearing red clothing
  • Dawn swoops and arrests across the entire East Midlands of anyone who has ever seen a football game
  • Execution of all male infants born in Nazareth

Thanks to these sensible actions we managed to maintain acceptable order in the face of overwhelming provocation.  If you have any further intelligence please feel free to forward it on to us.  Sometime coming up to the end of April when we're looking to book our Summer holidays would be useful.

During the Lincoln game we  valiantly ensured
that no violence erupted near refreshment bar

For the Alfreton game we directed the masses
of away fans to a dedicated carpark, soon
overflowing with unruly miscreants

We managed to successfully contain the vast swathes
of Alfreton hordes, utilising only several snatch vans,
SWAT teams, dogs, horses, and hundreds of officers

Our intrepid motorcycle officers posed greatly assisted with the
maintaining of order.  Some even stayed awake for
their entire shift

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